Wollaston Theatre to reopen it's doors for one-time-only showing of Problem Child 2

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Wollaston Theatre, known for it's inability to assimilate into modern times, as well as it's notorious hatred for children, will be reopening it's doors for a one-time-only showing of the hit comedy, Problem Child 2.

The Wollaston Theatre, founded in 1853 by Herbert W. Quinzenheimer as a backup plan in the event that his interests in the California Gold Rush did not pay off, originally held nightly burlesque shows, allowing the men of Quincy to relieve themselves in a most objectionable manner.

Since then, the Wollaston Theatre saw many changes, later becoming a "speakeasy" during Prohibition era, a nylon donation center during World War II, a Dunkin' Donuts training center, and eventually a movie theatre.

"We're extremely happy to be reopening what was once known as the greatest movie theatre this section of Quincy has ever seen," commented Mayor Thomas Koch, a he began gearing up for the event with a can of Red Bull in each hand. "Even if it's just for one night, the experience alone will blow the minds of the registered voters of this city. And what better movie to show than Problem Child 2, the hilarious follow-up to the surprise hit that shocked the world? It's exactly like the first film, except this time, there's two children, making it twice as thrilling. John Ritter has always been a major inspiration to me, and, aside from his untimely death, I have always tried to follow in his footsteps to the best of my ability. My hairstyle, my good looks, my unrelenting charm---all of this---I learned it all from John. And Jack Warden's reprised role as Big Ben Healy has got to be one of the finest performances I have ever seen in a sequel, hands down."

Stopping briefly to adjust his crotch, the mayor continued on. "Each movie ticket purchase goes to an amazing cause," he added. "And, on top of that, each ticket will come with a voucher for one free Slush Puppy at Sabina's Market on Beale Street, which will include up to three shots of your favorite flavor. You can even mix-and-match them, it doesn't fucking matter. Just be careful to not go over three though, the guy will be watching you like a hawk. Foreign people can be very stingy sometimes."

The reopening of the Wollaston Theatre will take place this Saturday afternoon at 5:00PM. Tickets will be $5.00 for adults, $3.00 for senior citizens, and $20.00 for children under the age of 18. Tickets can be purchased directly through the mayor's office by calling 617-376-1375 and asking for Joe Schlopp. All movie ticket proceeds will go to the 2009 "Koch for Quincy" campaign.