Every single person in Cathay Pacific ordered to "calm the fuck down"

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Trouble was amidst last night for the Cathay Pacific in North Quincy as every single patron in the restaurant was ordered to "calm the fuck down." It was this occurrence, as well as a long, problematic history of late-night poppycock and hogwash, that has local residents wondering if the Cathay Pacific will ever smarten the fuck up and run their business like normal human beings.

Cathay Pacific, frequented by both sides of the law since the early 1980s (to the best of anyone’s recollection), is located behind the "NORTH QUINCY HIGH GIRLS VOLLEYBALL STATE CHAMPIONS" sign, welcoming foreigners from as far as Gallivan Boulevard, and alerting all competing high school girls’ volleyball teams of the city’s domination of the sport. This is not the first time the restaurant has been ground zero for hooliganism.

"Nobody was even eating," remarked Moranzo Llamas, a shockingly handsome day laborer from West Quincy. "I didn't even get a chance to touch my rangoons, it was that fucking crazy in there. The owner of the place was so pissed off. I haven't seen an Asian man get that red before since my boy, Safo Face, stapled Stevie Wong's nutsack to the desk in 3rd grade."

While confusion and anger reigned supreme inside, crowds gathering outside in the parking lot fared no better. "Gorgeous" George Camaro, a deadbeat father of two from Wollaston, expressed understandable disappointment in the whole affair. “Every time---every fucking time I come here---this is just ridiculous. Can’t a man come out on a Monday night and eat a Pu pu platter for six to his head and just relax?!? Apparently not. I even saw a cop bottle another cop in the back kitchen.” It remains unclear as to why Camaro was in the back kitchen, or where he buys his intense, musky cologne, which the management received several complaints about throughout the night.

While authorities would not come right out and say exactly what occurred in the family restaurant, it is believed by many that they were, in fact, the true instigators of the melee. "Everybody get so crazy wild," commented Donald "Big Guns" Chung, head busboy and occasional karaoke performer at the restaurant. "I try stop crazy, but no one listen. They so crazy wild. Even cop, they no listen either. They so crazy---so crazy wild." But of all the confirmed craziness in what is slowly, but surely, starting to become known as an ordinary night at this poorly regulated eating establishment, the strangest of all is the eyewitness accounts stating that the night ended with two cops dragging a man dressed like Ronald McDonald into the open, wooded area behind State Street Bank and dishing out what they referred to as "the most vicious beating a clown has ever received."

City officials are still debating amongst themselves on lawful action towards the infamous nightspot, even as many of their colleagues recover from being smashed over the head with ceramic scorpion bowls---a favorite weapon of both staff and customer. “There are currently no plans to suspend Cathay Pacific’s liquor license, as that would surely put it out of business,” explained Bob Silly, a completely fabricated drifter from East Squantum Street. “Quincy businesses simply cannot survive without booze. Look at what happened to Christy’s convenience stores.”

The record turnover of staff who simply cannot put up with night after night of childish behavior already costs the restaurant thousands of dollars a month. Adding to the headache, patrons' inability to follow even the most simple rules of courtesy often results in pools of blood and duck sauce running down the pavement towards the Neponset River. All in all, it's a pretty ridiculous place, to say the fucking least.