The Quincy Scallion: OxyContin awarded "Official Drug of Quincy"

Thursday, June 11, 2009

OxyContin awarded "Official Drug of Quincy"

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

After only ten minutes of deliberation, OxyContin was awarded the "Official Drug of Quincy" at the first ever Quincy Drug Awards, receiving a sixteen minute standing ovation that was said to have been "more intense than a fucking Hitler speech."

The Quincy Drug Awards, which were being held to celebrate the mayor's highly criticized "If You Cant' Beat 'Em, Join 'Em" campaign, took place at the George F. Bryan VFW on Broad Street this afternoon. The award ceremony, which consisted of approximately ten fold-up tables, strategically placed to avoid the well-known water leaks of the establishment, catered to hundreds of spectators, separated into thirteen groups, each representing the different sections of the city.

Tommy Shanasty, a Level 1 Sex Offender who represented Germantown's interests in the event, could not have been more pleased. "Our main worry here was that people were gonna go with weed. It seemed like the obvious choice. People never wanna come right out and admit how many OCs they take a day, but, the way I look at it, if you know everybody's on them, what's there to be ashamed about? I think OxyContin is a misunderstood drug, and it needs to be reevaluated. To tell you the truth, OxyContins have gotten me and my friends through some really hard times."

As to whether, or not, these hard times had actually derived from taking OxyContin, Shanasty was unable to respond, as he nodded out in the middle of the interview and was eventually taken out of the VFW by stretcher.

Though all seemed to fare well with the landslide victory for OxyContin, there was trouble in paradise, as representatives of Squantum made their opinions on the matter quite vocal. "This is outlandish," shrieked Jacia Hearn, a fan favorite at Paddy Barry's "open mic night," known for his ability to elevate to madness at the drop of a dime. "Everybody knows that acid is the best drug out there, especially when you mix it up with some shrooms. Toss in a couple blasts of nitrous, you got yourself a great night. And don't even get me started on coke, kid. That shit has been known to make me lose my fucking mind."

The ceremony then came to an abrupt close as a West Quincy kid apparently caught his two-timing girlfriend giving "the eye" to a socially prominent Montclair kid, resulting in the most insane domestic dispute Quincy has ever seen.

3 comments:

sweden said...: "Whatever gets you through the night-it's all right" could be Quincys' motto; June 11, 2009 at 8:20 PM
Beakey said...: "When life gives you lemons, make lemon OxyContin," as the kids say.; June 12, 2009 at 7:40 AM
sandypants1 said...: You have brought new meaning to my life...you're the inspiration!; June 15, 2009 at 8:55 PM

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by Mike McCuddy

Quincy Police were called to intervene regarding a domestic disturbance incident on Safford Street yesterday, stemming from a routine plumbing incident gone awry. Dumpling Wong, a local man-of-soy, known throughout the community for knocking over invalids and children on the Red Line, called 9-1-1 on Monday afternoon to report unruly behavior on behalf of Emerald Isle Plumbing and Sheetrocking, a plumbing outfit from the Vietnamese-smelling part of Savin Hill. The incident began after Wong clogged his toilet that morning with an unusually large defecation, resulting from a previous night’s order of fried Basset Hound, smothered in MSG, from Mr. Chan’s in Milton. Based on a recommendation from a drunken neighbor, Wong called Emerald Isle Plumbing, which promised same day service. Showing up three hours late, the plumbers ignored Wong’s request to remove their shoes at the door, instead dragging mud onto the carpet and dropping scone crumbs throughout the house. “This place smells like fucking shit,” announced supervisor Pabst McMurphy, a man who once set a 3-state record in 2006 for saying the word “cocksucker” an estimated 2,453 times during happy hour at Darcy’s Pub. After surveying the clogged toilet for less than five seconds, the plumbers mumbled about needing a “Johnson Rod” at the shop, but continued to loiter at the Wong residence. Apprentice Cork Sullivan, a Shepard’s pie with a green card made out of Irish Spring soap shavings, proceeded to fire up Nintendo Wii, and soon bottles of Tsing Tao beer began disappearing from Wong’s refrigerator. Wong finally called the police after a Mr. Sub delivery man arrived at the door while the crowd had erupted into singing. Police are expect to revoke the company’s Local 12 Plumbing charter, where they will then discover that none of the men are licensed to plumb, or even be in the United States.

Quincy Police have released a statement claiming they have shut down the Andre’s Market convenience store in Wollaston. This act will also be coupled by stripping sole proprietor, Andre Squanto, of his vendor’s license, for selling expired inventory. Andre, a 58-year-old homosexual Indian, who inexplicably wears cowboy hats, was known as a minor Quincy celebrity for his frequent disgusting sexual rendezvous behind the Village Auto School, as well as his memorable stint as Danny on the mid-nineties Nickelodeon program, Hey Dude. Police were notified of the suspicious inventory based on numerous customer complaints, including local chimney duster, Flem Borsiquot, who stated, “I walk in here every day to play the numbers and see some crazy shit. Massasoit behind the counter is selling Pub Fries from what looks like the Reagan Administration, and he’s sellin’ Heralds with Mo Vaughn on the cover. This fuck even has a BayBank ATM in the corner.” Other inventory, such as 25 cent juice boxes with no label on them, Crystal Clear Pepsi, and Mass Millions lottery tickets have been dismissed as “fucking ridiculous.” Longtime customer, Quack McTavish, claims, “I think most people were willing to ignore the dusty ice cream cooler that looked like a portal to Hell, and the leather jacket on the wall that may, or may not, have been for sale, as long as that Andre guy didn’t talk to, or even look at, one of our sons.” Police say the vacant property is expected to be sold to Mung Realty, where a nail salon, bottle/can depository, or shitty bakery is expected to crush the soul out of the neighboring community.

Dorchester Copperpot, a hickory smoked, fall-off-the-bone pork rib from Merrymount, was detained by Quincy Police on Monday and committed to the McLean Mental Health Facilities after inciting a riot during a monthly Quincy City Council meeting at City Hall. Copperpot, an 84-year-old homeless maniac, credited with being the first person to buy a compact disc at Quincy Records & Tapes in 1989, was rescued by police after being attacked by an unruly mob for a series of blasphemous comments. The Quincy City Council was called together for an emergency meeting on Monday to discuss suggestions for renovating the notoriously underfunded Quincy Center, which yielded solutions such as attracting more discount shoe stores, Greek pizza shops, and the construction of a methadone clinic inside the Quincy Center MBTA bus terminal. Council President Lo Hong Duck blurted out “fuck this shit," before excusing himself to murder his newborn daughter. The meeting began winding down around 8:15pm, when the front door flew open and Copperpot ambled in, wearing two different shoes and Army fatigues from the Korean War. Copperpot quickly seized the podium and began reciting a recipe for split pea soup before making a myriad of baseless, inflammatory accusations ranging from former Mayor James Sheets being a bullfighter in Spain, to a mysterious bridge on Nut Island being an elusive second road into Squantum. “Lets kick the shit out of this crazy fucker!” shouted City Comptroller Evan Marmaduke, who led an all-out assault on Copperpot until police were called to remove him from the premises. Police expect Copperpot to be sentenced to six months in McLean Hospital, wherein he is then expected to be released back into the dumpster behind Shamrock Variety on Beale Street.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

OxyContin awarded "Official Drug of Quincy"

3 comments:

Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards

by Mike McCuddy

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