Gulf oil spill hits close to home for local feline

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Gulf of Mexico oil spill has affected many since the drilling rig explosion of April 20th, but none more than local feline Smokey San Pedro.

San Pedro, who is said to have been in a clinically depressed state for the past six weeks, was diagnosed with bipolar disorder earlier this year, a condition that has prevented him from performing normal daily tasks for quite some time.

"In his heart, there is a great sadness," said San Pedro's owner, Juanita O'Keefe-Clark, a twice-divorced mother of six. "A black cloud has cursed his soul."

Believing his decline in mental state to be stemming directly from the recent oil spill, O'Keefe-Clark began forbidding San Pedro to watch television during peak news hours. This, of course, resulted in an epic battle for supremacy, which, in turn, ended with San Pedro filing for separation from his owner of four years.

"You can't tell a cat to stop watching the news," said one neighbor.

But while some have pointed out flaws in O'Keefe-Clark's style of feline parenting, others have questioned why a cat is even allowed to file separation papers.

"It's just a cat," another neighbor said. "Who cares about it's feelings?"

When asked why the recent oil spill would affect San Pedro so deeply, Dr. Wayne Jetski, who has worked with San Pedro since January, could not say.


Dr. Wayne Jetski, who was unable to help with this story in any way.

"I honestly couldn't say," remarked Dr. Jetski. "I have an overabundance of clients, it's easy to get them confused. I also haven't been sleeping very well lately."

It was later revealed that San Pedro is Dr. Jetski's only feline patient.

Hough's Neck bus loses windshield wipers, brake lights mid-route, area mechanics baffled

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The MBTA's 216 bus lost its windshield wipers and brake lights during a routine trip to Hough's Neck this morning, causing temporary holdups on Sea Street.

The bus, which had just passed a standard safety inspection less than a month ago, was said to have experienced the electrical failure as it headed east, past the Our Lady of Good Counsel Parish. Both functions stopped working simultaneously.

But what could have caused this unexpected and tragic malfunction?

Some say that the problem was merely coincidental. Others, however, have taken to point fingers at the chief automotive inspectors of the MBTA.

"We're going to need to investigate this further," remarked Jim Bob Dunkin, who oversaw the safety inspection of the vehicle last April. "I've seen brake light bulbs go bad before, but never both at the same time. That's very peculiar."

As to why the windshield wipers would act up, Dunkin declined to comment.

Bus driver Annie Porter was unable to be reached, as she was treating post-traumatic stress from the incident with a couple of cold ones at the Presidential Pub.

According to passengers on the bus, Porter remained calm throughout the ordeal, although expressed several vague signs of nervousness and frustration.

"Another bus driver would have just pulled over and given up," one passenger said. "But she just kept going and made all the stops. It was like something out of the movies. If it wasn't for her, I would have gotten home much later."

Representatives from the Blue Hill Observatory in Milton also commended Porter, as local weather reports were shown to have been at a constant drizzle.

Boston water ban causes local man to call it quits

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A ruptured water main in Weston has rendered tap water undrinkable for nearly a third of Boston's residents and some of it's suburbs, affecting water service to nearly two million people in thirty cities and towns.

Among those affected is Sal O'Day, a Germantown man who found himself in complete denial over the situation, refusing to make any changes to his daily habits.

O'Day, who lives in the basement level of his mother's Section 8 housing complex on Figurehead Lane, was last in the news after several failed attempts at picking up girls resulted in a 90-day stretch at the Dedham House of Corrections.

Figurehead Lane was named after "The Figurehead," a Cure song from the 1982 album, Pornography, a fan favorite amongst Germantown natives.

"I don't wanna hear it," said O'Day, as he chugged a tall glass of ice cold tap water, unaware of the intense bowel movements to come. "All this talk about water bans is nothing more than pure filler. In my eyes, it's time to stand up and tell these so-called newscasters to think again, because all they're doing is cashing in on some bullshit story and there is absolutely no reason for it."


The broken water main in Weston, Mass., which limited water supply to Boston.

Going on to explain how he has always felt out of step with the world, aside from Germantown and certain areas of Quincy Center, O'Day then began to take on the deep maroon shade of a ripened boysenberry.

"Someday," O'Day cryptically added. "We'll look back and laugh."

O'Day was then rushed to Quincy Medical Center, where he was pronounced "not covered" by a handful of insurance companies he claimed to be covered by.

O'Day was then shipped back to Germantown, where local, "no-questions-asked" surgeons attempted a number of controversial procedures on him, ranging from late 19th century bloodlettings to a complex series of steam experiments.

"I'm calling it quits," O'Day told reporters later that evening.

O'Day then stared out the window of his basement level bedroom and watched as countless Adidas shell toes passed, each of them belonging to yet another Quincy resident who remained unaware of the severity of the situation at hand.

"Maybe there is some truth to this story," O'Day concluded, as he plucked another mushroom from his forehead. "Wouldn't be the craziest thing I've ever heard."

I wish they all could be Brewer's Corner girls

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in West Quincy

Warm weather and summer-like conditions have paved way for the scantily clad hotties of Quincy to make their presence known, some more so than others.

Take Melanie Stain, for example, who could be seen marching up and down Willard Street, dressed like Bridget Fonda in Jackie Brown, ready and willing to get into the front seat of any man's car, no matter who that man may be.

Bouncing from one end of Willard Street to the next, Stain moved about with the carefree grace of a loose OxyContin in the pouch pocket of a faded Starter jacket. All of this occurred as the passing motorists spoke kind words of encouragement to her until she finally ended up stopping on California Avenue.

"Suck me off, you fuckin' rotten cunt," one driver said.

It was an offer that Stain did not take lightly, as she could be seen just moments later entering the passenger side door of the driver's mid-nineties Toyota Corolla, where it is presumed the two embarked upon a journey of forbidden acts and untold pleasures on a seemingly sultry afternoon.

But while some expressed interest in what Stain had to offer, others did not.

"I wouldn't go anywhere near that filthy beast," remarked Antonio Chowder, a recently divorced widower from the Braintree border. "You couldn't pay me to even look at that thing. There ain't enough money in the world. I thought the good part about this weather was that you don't have to keep filling up your oil drums, I don't wanna have to lay eyes on some West Quincy girl who actually looks like one."

Breaching whale blamed for fatal canoe capsizing in Cape Cod, accused of hate crime by local gays

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Homosexuals everywhere are enraged by the death of John LeTheefe, who died yesterday morning after his canoe capsized off the coast of Provincetown due to an apparently malicious breaching whale, reports say.

According to authorities, LeTheefe had been boating off Long Point at the outside of Provincetown Harbor with his partner, Michael D'Joker, when the incident occurred.

Both men were said to be longtime fans of The Smiths.

Michael D'Joker is currently being held at the Brigham and Transgender Men's Hospital in Provincetown, where he is being treated for several deep blue bruises.

A spokesman for the US Coast Guard confirmed that they received word that a breaching whale may have caused the canoe to overturn, although stated that dolphins, not whales, were in the vicinity of the canoe around the time of the accident. These discrepancies, combined with the fact that he is obviously hiding something, have caused authorities to begin questioning D'Joker's flimsy account of what actually happened on that otherwise insignificant day.

"Our boat was tipped over by a whale," D'Joker repeatedly told reporters.

But Assistant Harbormaster Luis Ribas, who participated in the rescue, confirmed that it was dolphins that were swimming near the canoe, claiming that expert sonar equipment shows no signs of whales being in that area at all.

"I don't care what the sonar equipment shows," remarked a visibly shaken D'Joker. "All I know is that a fucking whale killed my life partner."

Describing in detail his account of the events, D'Joker told the story of a whale out for vengeance, who, after circling their canoe for over an hour, attacked them in a fit of rage, knocking LeTheefe's body "almost a hundred miles into the air," where it then came crashing down upon the water "with the force of sixteen mako sharks."

"There must be some kind of way out of here," said D'Joker to LeTheefe.

But it was too late, as LeTheefe's drowning body was already pinned underneath the wreckage of their rented canoe, where it was later found by local rescuers.

"This entire incident, as well as the manner in which it was handled, is an outrage," declared Phil Miassup, an outspoken queer from the disgusting section of North Quincy. "If this was a movie, and it was a shark instead of a whale, and John LeTheefe was a heterosexual, people would hunt this thing down and destroy it. Do you see what I mean about being treated unfairly? If every single aspect of this situation was completely altered, it would have been handled so much differently. But, until America is willing to accept us for who we are, mammals of all shapes and sizes, whether by land or sea, will be allowed to act out against us as they please. Good morning, America. Consider this your wake up call."

For more information on this breaking story, keep watching the news.

HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY, QUINCY SCALLION!

Men's feet in public "still disgusting," study shows

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A recent study performed at Quincy College shows that absolutely everyone is disgusted by having to look at men's feet in public.

The study, which was conducted by a team of highly regarded experts, was supervised by Jesus De La Tango, assistant manager of the Chipotle Mexican Grill in North Quincy, who also provided catering for the event.

Having immediately come to a unanimous decision, the study ended earlier than expected, paving way for an intense game of Parcheesi between all those involved.

Karen Swiftler, a retired veterinarian from Marina Bay, provided fart noises for the event. She recalled the study as being a "ridiculous waste of taxpayer money," as well as "relaxing and somewhat enjoyable."

Chief Excel spreadsheet manager and renowned sandal-wearer, Helium Robbards, was distraught with the results, but vowed to self-fund further studies in the hopes of achieving a different result.

“Frankly, I’m disappointed with the way things turned out,” remarked a visibly shaken Robbards. “The participants said my feet were disgusting and then pelted me with organic Mexican food. It was awful.”

Robbards then casually sulked away into the night, as his gross, open-sore-covered feet struggled to carry his dejected self.

He had learned a valuable lesson. And that lesson was that men, no matter what the circumstances may be, must never wear sandals in public.

Falling somewhere between punching an elderly woman in the face and licking a newborn baby's asshole, a man wearing sandals is one of life's most forbidden acts, causing a wretched impulse to shoot through anyone who bears witness.

Some consider it to be the ultimate sin, others aren't quite so sure.

Rainy weather washes away city's dirty little secrets, but not quite all of them

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Wollaston

High winds and incessant rainfall continued to plague the Granite City this morning, washing away its dirty little secrets, leaving behind nothing but a small handful of miscellaneous items, such as heroin needles and empty nips of cheap vodka.

Seriously, though, stop doing fucking heroin. It's getting ridiculous!

Above average temperatures become cat-alyst for purr-fect beach day for local felines

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Clear skies and summer-like temperatures paved way for a perfect beach day today, especially for local feline, Leo-Hector, who was last in the news after receiving the prestigious 2009 Outstanding Quincy Citizen of the Year award.

Eschewing warnings from local police to “stay the fuck off of the beach” after multiple shark and falcon attacks were reported, Leo-Hector and dozens upon thousands of cats arrived to catch some rays and frolic about.

"Quincy is probably the only city where you'll see more cats on the beach than people," remarked Mayor Thomas Koch, as he struggled to maintain consciousness after an impressive four Reuben sandwiches. "Some of the finest cats in the country can be found here. It's just a beautiful city, and a truly amazing thing to be in complete control of. God, it's fucking nice out right now! This is unbelievable."

Gathering driftwood, the four-legged furballs managed to erect a crude bonfire, which amazed and delighted all who witnessed it’s fiery fury.

With only teen drinkers and a raw sewage spill dampening an otherwise perfect day, the cats relaxed into a state of well-being, far beyond what any mere mortal could ever hope to achieve in our otherwise miserable, pointless lives.

Hundreds of dollars in damage to Quincy's historic Souther Tide Mill caused by ridiculous storm

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Hundreds of dollars in damage were caused to the Souther Tide Mill on Southern Artery during the past storm, the mayor's office is reporting.

As told, the torrential rain and fierce winds had blown some temporary boarding off the 200-year-old structure, allowing those in the homeless community to penetrate the mill's entrance and once again turn the historic building into a haven of bum sex, binge drinking, gang rape, and puking contests.

"The structure of the mill is still sound," the mayor told reporters.

The mayor then went on to explain a series of tedious and wearisome plans the city has for the mill, which can basically be summed up by saying, "$130,000 in community preservation funds have been approved to make the mill look better."

But what do the hundreds of dollars of new damage to the Souther Tide Mill mean for next year's budget? Some say that it will have little, to no, effect on our daily lives. Others, however, aren't quite so sure.

"I would be inclined to say that this will devastate us financially," spoke Beverly Labia-Smacker, an all-day Craigslist lurker from Germantown, whose ability to forecast future budget concerns is about as good as her ability to marry a man whose last name will not make hers ten times more ridiculous. "Where is the city going to get these funds? Seriously, where? We're talking about over a hundred dollars here. I don't have that right now, do you?"

Labia-Smacker was then knocked unconscious as a passing motorist deliberately threw an unopened can of Campbell's Chunky off the back of her head.

"Hey, Labia-Smacker," the motorist could be heard, as he drifted by at an anxiety-inducing 3 mph. "Why don't you go smack a labia, you fuckin' douche!"

Labia-Smacker was then brought to Quincy Medical Center, where her previous statement of not having over a hundred dollars was discovered to be true, causing doctors to do nothing but stare at her in anger while the back of her head bled at the speed of an upside down gallon of milk.

For more information on the Souther Tide Mill, please call Mayor Thomas Koch.

Coastal flooding creates hostile conditions for residents, some so poor, others so black

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Coastal flooding and harsh winds have created hostile conditions for many Granite City residents, some of which are so poor and so black.

All night long, flood warnings from the National Weather Service in Taunton have dominated television screens, urging locals to stay inside and wait out the storm.

But who suffers most in these times of troublesome weather?

Is it the otherwise trustworthy weather reporter, who will no doubt be blamed for the destructive winds, hard rain, and damaged property? Or is it the careless neighbor next door, who smokes cigarettes, uses microwave ovens, and refuses to recycle, paving way for events such as this? Top researchers say that it is neither of these, for as usual, it is blacks who will suffer the hardest fate.

"Historically speaking, blacks have had a pretty tough go at things," remarked Dr. Alan Ripple, former head of Quincy College's now-defunct medical department. "From Germantown, to Grafton Street, to the Little Compton section of West Quincy, lower income black families are the ones who will suffer the most. When the Wollaston levees broke, thousands of residents were forced to leave their homes, some of them taking to seek shelter on rooftops until rescue teams could take them safely to Veterans Memorial Field. My heart goes out to these families. I just can't help but to think that this tragedy could have somehow been avoided."

While most residents appear calm at this time, Glenroyal Smoothshave did not.

Smoothshave, a former welterweight boxer from the hard side of Merrymount, expressed disgust at the situation, claiming the Wollaston levees had been poorly designed by the Quincy Point Panthers cheerleading squad.


Glenroyal Smoothshave, the absolute angriest motherfucker this city will ever know.

"I'm sick and tired of this shit," Smoothshave screamed. "Why weren't the residents of this city alerted with enough time to conduct a proper, timely evacuation? Why in God's name would a city hire a cheerleading squad to design a levee? And why the fuck were a shitload of black people sitting up on rooftops? If that was white people up on them rooftops, there would have been a helicopter for every single one of them. But no, the black man's gotta stay up on the rooftop all day and piss and shit in front of news cameras. If that was Elvis up on that rooftop, they would have raised the Titanic to go get him. If that was Justin Timberlake, Obama himself would have picked him up in a goddamn canoe. Even if it were Steve Zahn, or somebody like that, the motherfucker would have been there for six minutes, tops. Like I said, I'm sick of this shit. I'm about to get medieval up in this bitch. Who the fuck gets their flood warnings from Taunton, anyway? That is some straight up bullshit."

Smoothshave then darted up Hancock Street at the speed of an angry bulldog, causing Houston, Texas rap artist, Scarface, to cross the street in fear.

There is no word yet as to why Scarface was in Quincy, although it is expected that he may be researching the area for his upcoming film, Mo' Crazy Ridiculous.

For updates and warnings on today's weather, please watch the news.

Tons of animals “going crazy” in Wollaston backyard, concerned callers claim

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Reports flooded into the Quincy Animal Control’s head office last night, warning of a possibly “massive animal brawl” occurring in the backyard of a Wollaston home.

The first of these calls was received at 9:04pm by call center employee Rhonda Lutty, who described a frantic woman’s voice screaming about a “bunch of animals going nuts in a backyard.”

“I couldn’t quite make out what was going on,” recalled Lutty, a morbidly obese female from the Montclair section of Farrington Street. “The woman said something about animals getting out of control, but then she was drowned out by what sounded like a lion roaring into a megaphone.”

Lutty’s titanium lawn chair then abruptly gave up and collapsed in on itself. She was fired mere moments later on the grounds of being “physically ridiculous.”

As it is a well-known fact that the Quincy Animal Control’s head office doesn’t bother to record their messages, it is scientifically impossible to go back and analyze the call.

Neighbors near the site of the disturbance, which is being kept secret until the commotion dies down, were reluctant to divulge any additional information.

“There was a ton of bats swooping around over there,” said Peanut Buttersworth, as he waved his arms in the general vicinity of everywhere. A senior citizen who spent the better part of last night sleeping on his roof, Buttersworth went on to add, “Although it’s not easy for me to see what’s going on since I wear two pairs of sunglasses at all times, I distinctly heard a kangaroo, an octopus, a prize-winning bulldog, and at least several million ants battling for supremacy.”

Homeless all worked up over pending snowstorm

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

As another snowstorm approaches, more complaints from the homeless community can be heard, some of them being even more annoying than you could imagine.

Everywhere you turn, it seems a homeless person has something to say. From "I'm cold," to "please feed me," to "I'm going to die," comments from the less fortunate spew out like a pool of rancid semen, becoming excruciatingly mundane, forcing Quincy residents to face a problem they would much rather ignore.

"Who gives a fuck how cold homeless people are?" asked Paul McGranite, a wealthy investor from North Quincy. "Homeless people ruin everything."

Under the constant pressure of concerned citizens, Quincy Police have promised to keep the homeless hidden from the view of those who are conducting commerce in the city, as it is they who keep the economy flowing, forever feeding into its never-ending cycle of constant fluctuation.

"I pay my taxes just like everybody else," remarked Todd Fundersen, an out-of-work movie theatre attendant from the bad side of West Quincy. "There's two things in this world that I just can't stomach: college kids and homeless people. Neither of which contribute anything to society, whatsoever, I might add. It just seems like the homeless are always in need of something. What a bunch of needy bastards the needy can be. If they're not cold, they're hungry. If they're not hungry, they're cold. It just never seems to end with them. And then, if you're really unlucky, you get to be one of the unfortunate people that has the displeasure of watching them have homeless-sex next to Fratelli's Bakery. I don't know about you, but I don't exactly see myself being in the mood for a coffee and a fig square after I've seen some homeless lady's meat curtains wrapped around some dude's face."

What the fuck, dude??? Water fell from sky!!!

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In an interesting turn of events, water fell from the sky yesterday afternoon, causing many residents of the area to have absolutely nothing to talk about but the weather.

From Squantum to West Quincy, conversation starters, such as, "How about this weather?" and "Boy, it's really coming down out there, isn't it?" filled the streets.

"It seems like people will never get used to the rain," an expert said.

The more it rained, the more craziness ensued. From car accidents, to explosions, to murder, a wild wave of insanity ran rampant throughout the city, stirring up madness like a heroin junky fresh out of rehab with two hundred dollars in his hand.

"It was unlike anything I had ever seen before," claimed Janie Pandabaworth, a stereotypical female type from Hough's Neck. "It was like condensation had built up in the clouds above, and then, from out of nowhere, as if by some crazy force of nature, fell to the ground. I don't even know how to explain it. But it was weird and it was wet. And I'll probably still be talking about it until the day I fucking die."

Pandabaworth's dead body was found later that evening in a ditch near Brill Field. She was brought to Quincy Medical Center, where she was immediately pronounced "dead beyond repair" by a Dr. Desmond Shaw.

As with other murders in recent past, her body had been beaten and brutalized, and a Dunkin' Donuts Great One cup had been found within her general vicinity, this time, twenty feet below the ocean surface, just off the coast of Rock Island.

Winter paves way for vicious beatings and "white washings" of those less fortunate

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Snowy conditions have paved way for the vicious winter beatings and "white washings" of all those less fortunate, as little Bobby Humpherton, of Hobomack Road, learned yesterday evening.

Humpherton, an unfortunately dressed young man, who was merely looking to fit in with the "in crowd" and partake in low-risk winter games, found himself pushed to the ground almost immediately after arriving at a local hangout spot in the small, wooded area behind the notoriously mediocre Grumpy White's.

Dressed head-to-toe in Winnie the Pooh winter gear, Humpherton found himself face-down in the snow, yet again, where neighborhood bullies pummeled him within an inch of his life, stopping only briefly to fill his snowsuit with icy cold snowballs and dousing him with countless bottles of Clubman® brand after shave lotion.

"Another winter, another beating," said Humpherton, as he picked the bits of gravel out of his forehead and unwillingly basked in the fresh-out-of-the-barbershop aroma. "I'm only eleven-years-old, it's not like I can afford to buy my own clothes. My mother buys me this stuff, and then, every winter, I get my ass handed to me. I dunno, maybe I should tell her to start letting me pick out my clothes. Not that she'd even let me. She can be a bit of a control freak at times. What a fucking cunt."

Old photograph of Quincy Center shows snowy weather not constant problem

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

An old photograph found in the basement level of the former Quincy Records & Tapes shows that snowy weather is not constant in the Granite City, giving many residents a new breath of hope for better times to come.

The photograph was found during a tryout for MTV's upcoming Let's See Who Can Dig the Deepest Hole reality show, where contestants literally do nothing but compete to see who can dig the deepest hole.

The reality show is expected to last no less than seventeen seasons, and is already being hailed as "one of the most thought-provoking shows MTV has had in years" by critics all over the globe.

"It's great to know that this snow won't last forever," said Jaime "The Scallion Stallion" Curbkick, a session musician from the mean streets of West Quincy, last in the media's eye after drinking a record-breaking sixteen Coronas while waiting for his meal at the Clam Box. "I thought I remembered Quincy being warmer at times, but I wasn't completely sure. It's pictures like this that really make you remember that it wasn't all just in your head."

Curbkick then abruptly ended the interview, as he received a cryptic text message from his basement apartment tenant, Yosemite Domingo-Octavius, an unemployed feline who has been milking the system for the past twelve years.


Yosemite Domingo-Octavius, doing what he does best...struggling to stay awake.

There is no word yet on what the exact context of Domingo-Octavius' text message was, although it is most likely due to a recent fear of running out of food, as November's Eggo shortage was said to have nearly driven the cat insane.

"It's a good thing they found that photograph," remarked Paul McGranite, a wealthy investor from North Quincy. "People in this city do far too many drugs to remember a few months back. This past summer is nothing but a fading memory to most of these people, if that. We really proved something here with this picture. Pictures are the best form of proof for anything. They can't be altered, they can't be doctored, and everything you see in them is exactly as it happened. This snow will melt away, eventually. I truly believe that now."

Bitter cold causes many local residents to stay home, even homeless

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Bitter cold has driven away almost all residents and shoppers in the center of Quincy, even those in the beloved homeless community, causing many people in the area to stay at home, even if they don’t happen to have one.

Quincy’s homeless population, last in the news after getting caught having sex in the small parking lot next to Fratelli’s Bakery on Broad Street, has long since been the subject of public praise and overall acceptance.

But as temperatures drop and winter makes its presence known, where do these lovable vagrants go?

Even the Thomas Crane Public Library, which has been a constant breeding ground for loitering, panhandling, and public masturbation, suffered a major blow yesterday, as the front yard was seen without a single homeless person for the first time since the Great Blizzard of 1978.

“It was cold as fuck out there yesterday,” complained Mark Doherty, a Dorchester drifter who frequently lingers near the bus stops out front. “I couldn’t even jerk off on the lawn because of the cold, piercing winds. They were so fierce, and so brutal, that I was unable to achieve an erection. I had to resort to just whipping it out and slapping it around like it was the lead guitarist of Fall Out Boy. And eventually, I just gave up. It’s days like this that make me really wish I had a home.”


Mark Doherty, loitering on a concert stage in the hopes of receiving a free meal.

Wanted on charges of performing lewd acts in public and indecent exposure, Mark Doherty then disappeared into the misty horizon, where he still remains at large. Authorities believe he may be hiding out somewhere deep in the bowels in Weymouth, as they currently have no extradition treaty with Quincy.

“I don’t know what it is about this crazy weather,” said Matty Southside, a South Quincy man who gets almost all of his pick-up lines from episodes of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. “Homeless people don’t really seem to like it too much. Sucks for them, because they really don’t have any other option. Aside from maybe getting a job and putting their life back on track, that is, but that’s no fun. I wonder where they all go, though. Maybe they go to Olindy’s, who knows? You kinda miss those silly little bastards once they’re gone, though. Whether they’re kicking around a hacky sack or just hacking up a lung on the side of the road, they’re a staple in this community. And you can never take that away from them. You can take away their homes, their money, and their ability to keep warm throughout the day---you can even take away their shoes, if catch ‘em when they’re sleeping---but you can never take away their respect. Not in this fucking town!”

Wollaston Beach confirmed to be absolutely filthy, everyday activities predicted to remain the same

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A recent study has shown that bacteria levels on Wollaston Beach are at an all-time high, with bacteria counts hitting as high as 10,500 in certain sections.

The study, which was performed on a state-owned section of the notoriously disgusting beach, has city and state health officials up in arms, with each side pointing the finger at whoever they can.

Subpar excuses, ranging from excessive rainfall, ocean dumpage, carelessly flicked cigarette butts, increasingly popular beachfront masturbation practices, and George W. Bush, have been the subject of many long and meaningless meetings, causing many taxpayers to wonder if they will ever get to swim at the beach again.

"We're gonna handle this problem as smoothly and efficiently as possible," promised Joe Schlopp, former assistant to the mayor's assistant, recently appointed by the city to be the fall guy for the debacle. "We have a lot of people looking into this, and I can safely say that people will one day be able to swim in these beautiful waters again. We have a lot of great ideas right now, and we're just kinda running through them until one of them works. It's a tactical process called the 'law of averages,' and it's a little difficult to explain to those who aren't in the field."

Stopping momentarily to break wind, Schlopp continued his explanation of the city's plans. "Here's just one example of how we're using everybody's money to attempt to solve this. We are currently rewatching The Day After Tomorrow, which is a fine film, if you ask me. What we're hoping for is that we can actually pinpoint exactly what Dennis Quaid's job title is in the film. I think we could probably use a guy like that, to be honest. He was smart, he was handsome, and he was an excellent father. And let's face it, Dennis Quaid is an amazing actor. Imagine having to grow up with Randy Quaid as your older brother? I can't even imagine the hilarious situations those two used to get themselves in. Who knows, if the city funds allow it, we could even hire the actual Dennis Quaid to cut the ribbon on opening day. You know, after that problem is solved---which it will be. Maybe we could even have a volleyball tournament, or possibly a clam bake, although I'm not sure how relevant that is to the situation at hand, at least not at this time. But what is relevant, when it comes down to it? What does 'relevant' actually mean? Is an unanswered question not actually an answer? Either way, we're all over this problem like a West Quincy kid on a passed out girl. We have a dedicated team of intellectuals that are currently figuring out a way to fix this. We're gonna find the source of the bacteria, we're gonna smack, we're gonna flip it, and then we're gonna rub it down. That's a promise."

There is no confirmation yet on if Dennis Quaid will actually play a part in the debacterization process at Wollaston Beach, nor has any confirmation been made as to whether this clam bake will ever actually happen.

Great white shark spotted in Merrymount lagoon, entire neighborhood buys bigger boats

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A great white shark was spotted yesterday just inches from land in a remote Merrymount lagoon known as "White Collar Gulf."

The shark, which is estimated to be approximately twelve feet in length, wandered into the lagoon at approximately 5:45PM last night, and has remained there ever since.

Calls began coming into Quincy Police by 5:52PM and continued on late into the evening, as friends and neighbors of the area showed absolutely no signs of attempting to get used to the shark.

Officer Nico Haylen was the first to respond. "I responded to the call just before six o'clock," remarked the infamous diabetic. "It was right before my dinner break, too, which always happens. It never fucking fails. I was about five minutes away from eating one of my special diabetes steaks, and all of the sudden, in comes a call. But that's the life I chose, you know? So I suck it up and take the call, because that's what heroes do. At first, I'm thinking it's a disturbance call, but my dispatcher keeps talking about a shark. That's when I figure he's talking about Marky 'The Sharky' Shea, that bummin' car thief from South Quincy. I get to the scene as fast as I can, pull up to the water, and it's total fucking chaos. People are freaking out, pointing and screaming, acting like fucking animals. That's when I looked over and saw the shark. I don't even remember what happened next."

"That cop was certifiably insane," screamed Steve Winscott, co-owner of Amazing Video and lifelong Merrymount resident. "He just whipped his gun out and starting blasting away. He must have fired twelve rounds at that thing. I couldn't see for sure, but I think he definitely pierced through the thing's dorsal fin. It was like that scene in Jaws 2 when Chief Brody lost control and just started shooting at a school of blue fish with those crazy bullets he made during the obligatory preparation-for-war montage. I'm no shark expert, especially when it comes to their nervous systems, but, if you ask me, getting shot in the dorsal fin has gotta sting a bit. It's probably like getting shot through the ear, which, let's face it, would suck."

Through the evening, police and media swarmed the area, searching for answers as to why the shark had chosen Merrymount as it's resting spot. Local scientist, Matty Hammers, offered a vague explanation as to how this could have happened.

"Great white sharks have become more aggressive in the past few years," Hammers stated. "I don't wanna pawn this off on one of those 'must be something in the water' things, but I think it's something in the water. About eight years ago, the entire city of Quincy was hooked on a workout beverage called Speed Stack, which had 25mg of Ephedrine in each bottle. But after sports players started dropping like flies, and doctors started coming to the realization that it was these workout drinks causing it, anything with Ephedrine in it got taken off the market. It became a black market sensation in this city, and when the feds busted down George Camaro's garage, they found over a thousand bottles of it, which got dumped into the ocean, right in the Merrymount area. Is it possible that all this Ephedrine that was so carelessly dumped into the water is still there, and has caused a rise in aggressive behavior with these sharks---of course it is. Picture the toughest Quincy kid you know, then multiply that by a freaking billion. That's what you have going on right now, if you ask me. If I could offer one piece of advice to the residents of Quincy, I would advise them to stay out of the water."

Mayor Koch was unavailable for comment on this matter, however, it is assumed that he would deny the accusations of overly aggressive sharks, and inform people that the beaches are considered to be safe, and will be open on the upcoming 4th of July holiday. So far, Officer Nico Haylen has not been charged with yet another case of handgun misuse, although Quincy Police have promised to "keep a close eye on both Haylen and the shark."

Quincy praises Obama administration for good weather on warmest day of the year

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

It was a beautiful day out there in Quincy, Mass., and everywhere you went, there were people enjoying it as much as they could. From the elementary school kids heading to the playground on their half-day, to the heroin addicts in the West Quincy 7-Eleven parking lot, people were outside, soaking up sun-rays and having fun, with smiles the size of watermelon slices.

"The weather just doesn't get any better than this," said Jeff Archaic, a horror movie enthusiast from North Quincy. "I've never seen it this nice out so early in the year. All I know is, when George W. Bush was in office, it was April showers. Now that we have Obama around, it's sunny times. I just can't believe how fucking awesome it is outside. It's amazing how much difference one man can make."

President Obama (above) spent the morning swimming and surfing in Squantum's Orchard Beach, before meeting with Mayor Thomas Koch to discuss plans for possibly installing Sirius radio in the mayor's taxpayer-funded Hummer H1.

Mosquito control in Quincy causes mass hysteria among homeless at local shelter

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Recent sightings of a helicopter flying through the Broad Street area of Quincy has caused mass hysteria among the locals, especially within the homeless community at Father Bill's Place. Reports on the City of Quincy's homepage have stated that these helicopters, which are part of the Norfolk County Mosquito Control Project, will be flying at "tree top level", until April 24th, applying larvicide chemicals to the area around Broad Meadows Marsh. "Extensive testing," the report follows. "Shows that microbial larvicides do not pose risks to wildlife, non-target species, or the environment, when used according to label directions." As to whether, or not, the city plans on using these microbial larvicides according to label directions, it does not say. I, of course, have my suspicions.

Reactions to the helicopter's presence ranged from confusion to absolute panic. Those who knew why the helicopter was there, debated its purpose, stating that the forceful removal of mosquitos was unnatural and unnecessary. "Once Mayor Koch removes these homeless people," said Brian Prefontaine, 23, of Adams Shore. "Those mosquitos are gonna naturally fly south for the summer, right?" Those who knew nothing about it appeared to be completely bewildered by the situation, some of them coming up with ideas and theories of their own. "I had no idea why it was flying so low," said Jeff, 48, a local homeless man who has lived at Father Bill's Place for the past two years. "I thought it was gonna end up getting caught up in a power line, like in the end of Die Hard With a Vengeance. I honestly didn't know why it was there though. At first I thought it was the news, or something like that, but then I saw how it had big containers on the side of it. That's when everybody started freaking out. In all my years on the street, it was probably one of the craziest things I've ever seen. And I've gone down on dudes for crack." Previous reports on Father Bill's Place have disclosed the fact that at least one male resident washes his testicles in the bathroom sink, in front of the other residents. No link between this and the Norfolk County Mosquito Control Project has been brought to the attention of the media, although the possibility of a link is there.

Other theories included the possibility of deadly toxins being dispersed into the air. "Something about what they're doing isn't safe," said Dan Lafonte, 34, a service advisor at a nearby car dealership. "Every single one of those dudes at Father Bill's Place completely lost control of their bodily functions as soon as that helicopter started spraying. Even if only half of them did, I would have just assumed that it was a normal day. But when everybody loses control of their bodily functions, you know something's not right. They're putting something in the air that shouldn't be there, and they're acting like it's no big deal."

The PDF file made available by the city states that the EPA claims microbial larvicides are "virtually non-toxic to humans," however, those without access to programs, such as Adobe Acrobat Reader, were left to make their own determinations.

Download: Mosquito Control in Quincy (PDF File)