Still no takers on missing light reflector found on Broad Street, authorities remain baffled

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone on Broad Street

A missing light reflector that was found last week on Broad Street has so far remained unclaimed by it's owner, despite many attempts to advertise it's find.

The light reflector, which appears to have come from either a Schwinn bicycle or a mid-nineties Toyota Corolla, was found by local vagrant and entrepreneur, Filbert Grapenuts, during a routine inspection for valuables.

"I've seen some things in my time," Grapenuts declared. "But nothing like this."

Going on to explain how his conscience would not allow him to keep such a valuable find, as a light reflector is a much-needed safety feature on any automobile, Grapenuts expressed no remorse about turning the reflector in to authorities.

"It was the right thing to do," Grapenuts added. "I'm sure of that."

Authorities, who found themselves unable to match the light reflector to anyone's vehicle in the National Light Reflector Database (NLRD), then placed several ads on Craigslist, hoping it's owner would come forward to retrieve it.

"Things aren't looking too good in this case," admitted Officer Nico Haylen. "After about a week without leads, cases like this have a way of making it to the bottom of the pile. I know it sounds crazy, but that's the way it works. The truth is, whoever lost this light reflector probably doesn't even realize it's gone."

Authorities are asking anybody with information leading to the owner of this missing light reflector to please call Quincy City Hall at 617-376-1000.

What is the real story behind the free television set found this weekend on Putnam Street?

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Merrymount

A free television set was found on Putnam Street over the weekend, causing many residents of the area to wonder what might be wrong with it.

The impressive 20" RCA television set was found by local man-about-town, Stanley Rhubarb, who, after staring at it for nearly an hour, decided that it must be too good to be true, causing him to immediately alert media sources regarding the situation before darting off into the patch of wilderness behind Central Middle School.

"The sign says that the TV is free," Rhubarb told reporters. "But why?"

Rhubarb then went on to describe in great detail several theories he had, each of them more mind-blowing than the last.

He was then sedated by a nearby doctor, who, after a series of very specific medical questions, finally admitted that he was "not technically a doctor."

It remains unclear at this time as to where this man went, although some have speculated that he, too, darted off towards the patch of wilderness behind Central, where he was then given a black leather jacket and raised by Del Tufos.

"There's no such thing as a free TV," Rhubarb added, as he casually looked over his right shoulder. "If these people think I'm gonna lug this thing all the way to my apartment and plug it in, they got another thing comin'. Stanley Rhubarb may not be the brightest bulb in the bucket, but at least I know what time it is."

At this point, there is no further information known regarding this mysterious television set, nor are the circumstances from which it came about known.

Ed Hardy douchebags spotted at Quincy's Club 58

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Two Ed Hardy douchebags were spotted at Quincy's Club 58 on Saturday night, causing many residents to wonder what the fuck is next.

Ed Hardy, the Southern California tattoo artist, who is known for his subpar blend of standard flash art and overly obnoxious color schemes, has long since been the subject of public ridicule, even amongst residents of the Granite City.

Having received a "no wear" rule in late-2007, the Ed Hardy clothing has been banned ever since, although many of those who shop at stores, such as Marshalls and TJ Maxx have attempted to bypass this.

"I don't get it," claimed Salton Pepper, a self-proclaimed "expert on clothing lines, tattoos, and social trends," last in the news after causing a 52-car pile-up in Squantum. "I just don't get it. This is absolutely one of the worst clothing lines I have ever seen. And the tattoos aren't even that great. I'm gonna go ahead and say that this is nothing more than another social trend."

While many residents demanded the immediate deportation of the two men, others were unsure of what that entailed.

"I don't even know what deportation means," claimed Ricky McAlvin, a known creep from Montclair, who frequents the establishment to date rape the same three girls every weekend. "I'll tell you what we should do, though: we should take those two dickheads and escort 'em to the Quincy border, and never let 'em back in. That's what we should fuckin' do."

There is no word yet on where, exactly, McAlvin would like to have the two men deported to, although the most likely candidate is Weymouth.

Authorities have asked all Quincy residents to please refrain from attempting to commit any form of street justice against those in Ed Hardy clothing. They have, however, stated that, while it may be impossible to avoid these people at all times, it is best to stay clear of Ford Broncos and Jeep Wranglers that are blasting Social Distortion's "Story of My Life" at an ear-splitting volume.

Canadian jokester spotted in outskirts of West Quincy, hundreds of residents on edge

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Guy LeCumbre, a self-proclaimed "barrel of laughs" from Downtown Ottawa, was spotted in the outskirts of West Quincy yesterday evening, causing many residents of the area to break into an immediate state of mind-bending panic.

Canada, who, over the years, has given us a handful of entertainers, such as Leonard Cohen, John Candy, and, to a much lesser extent, the band Grade, has long since been a fairly problem-free neighbor of the United States.

Sporting a motorcycle helmet and closely trimmed beard, LeCumbre slithered through the city streets, making all those he came in contact with anxious and confused. Darting from sidewalk to sidewalk, LeCumbre bounced awkwardly throughout the otherwise peaceful neighborhood like a renegade pinball with no place to call home.

"I think it's fucking sick," said Sally Spoons, a lifelong Quincy native and die-hard xenophobe. "Canadian people don't belong in this city. Quincy is bad enough as it is, we don't need any free-thinking, denim-clad hockey fans running around, stirring up trouble and infecting the minds of our youth. I'm all set with that shit."

LeCumbre was last seen ice skating at Shea Rink on Willard Street, where his signature Senators jersey was said to have numerous mustard stains.

"Get him the fuck outta here," demanded Heather Wilder, a Whitman resident whose interests in Quincy are, at this time, unknown. "I don't care if you have to send him off in a train, dump him in the backseat of a cab, or physically put him in the desert on a horse with no name, but people like him don't belong in these parts. People like Guy LeCumbre are fuckin' creeps. If we start letting Canadians into Quincy, the next thing you know, this whole city is gonna be filled with Asians. And I don't think I need to tell you what'll happen in that case, but I got two words for ya: kung fuckin' fu."

It was later revealed that Quincy is, in fact, already filled with Asians.

Heroin addiction revealed to be less glamorous than made out to be in Velvet Underground hits

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Heroin addiction was revealed to be significantly less glamorous than it has been made out to be in the hit songs of the Velvet Underground, a recent study shows.

The study, which was conducted by experts, shows that heroin addiction is, in fact, only half as glamorous as previously thought, making it only twice as glamorous as crack addiction, as opposed to four times as glamorous, as originally believed.

"This a groundbreaking moment in the field of useless science," said Dr. Wayne Jetski, who asked that his name not be mentioned in this article. "With everyday that passes, more useless information is gathered. Sometimes we do something with it, other times we don't. There is literally a whirlwind of information out there, just waiting to be used in studies, such as this. Through various acts of research, we have determined that there is almost nothing glamorous about being addicted to heroin, which, as many of you know, is considered by some to be the romance drug. For many years, bands such as the Velvet Underground and Depeche Mode have given their fans a false hope that, if only they did heroin, everything would be okay. This is actually nothing more than a half-truth. Everything will be okay---that much is most definitely true---but only at first. After a while, the stuff really ends up taking a toll on you. It's pretty ugly stuff, believe it or not. At least that's what I hear."


Dr. Jetski, the one-time recipient of the Merrymount Association's "Excellent Doctor" award.

Excusing himself for a moment to "take a shot of insulin," Dr. Jetski casually closed his office door, where, moments later, the Velvet Underground's "Venus in Furs" could be heard playing through his brand new Bose iPod docking station.

In a strange turn of events, Dr. Jetski was found dead only minutes later by what his fellow colleagues described as "natural causes."

$100 vacuum cleaner salvaged by raving lunatic

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A vacuum cleaner believed to have been discarded by a tenant of an apartment building on Hancock Street in Quincy Center was rescued by a deranged sociopath just days before it was to be taken away by local garbage men.

The vacuum cleaner is believed to be valued at $100, or, perhaps, up to $500, according to its new owner.

Rufus Sweathdirt, a man in his mid-thirties, who bears an uncanny resemblance to every piece of shit creep that wanders the streets after eleven o’clock on a weeknight, was lurking around the aforementioned area when he spotted the discarded cleaning apparatus.

Mr. Sweathdirt then sprung into action, moving from a slow, deliberate crawl to a full-fledged sprint, knocking over three other pedestrians in his path and diving face-first into a pile of garbage.


Rufus Sweathdirt, just seconds after spotting the abandoned vacuum cleaner.

“I knew I had a big score on my hands,” exclaimed Sweathdirt. “I think a landlord must have been kicking someone out of their apartment. How else would these things end up in the trash?”

Carms McGarnickle, a waste management supervisor, was called into action almost immediately to decide ownership of what was then revealed to be a 1995 Dirt Devil PowerPlus vacuum cleaner.


Carms McGarnickle, taking less than two seconds to tell people how it’s going to be.

“This item belongs in a museum,” declared McGarnickle, after seconds of deliberation.

“So do you!” responded Sweathdirt, who then surprised onlookers with an explosive 50-karate-chop attack that missed McGarnickle by only three feet. Sweathdirt then collapsed dead on the sidewalk, either due to exhaustion or from the numerous heroin needles dangling delightfully from his arms, neck, legs and ass.

Old photograph of Quincy Center shows snowy weather not constant problem

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

An old photograph found in the basement level of the former Quincy Records & Tapes shows that snowy weather is not constant in the Granite City, giving many residents a new breath of hope for better times to come.

The photograph was found during a tryout for MTV's upcoming Let's See Who Can Dig the Deepest Hole reality show, where contestants literally do nothing but compete to see who can dig the deepest hole.

The reality show is expected to last no less than seventeen seasons, and is already being hailed as "one of the most thought-provoking shows MTV has had in years" by critics all over the globe.

"It's great to know that this snow won't last forever," said Jaime "The Scallion Stallion" Curbkick, a session musician from the mean streets of West Quincy, last in the media's eye after drinking a record-breaking sixteen Coronas while waiting for his meal at the Clam Box. "I thought I remembered Quincy being warmer at times, but I wasn't completely sure. It's pictures like this that really make you remember that it wasn't all just in your head."

Curbkick then abruptly ended the interview, as he received a cryptic text message from his basement apartment tenant, Yosemite Domingo-Octavius, an unemployed feline who has been milking the system for the past twelve years.


Yosemite Domingo-Octavius, doing what he does best...struggling to stay awake.

There is no word yet on what the exact context of Domingo-Octavius' text message was, although it is most likely due to a recent fear of running out of food, as November's Eggo shortage was said to have nearly driven the cat insane.

"It's a good thing they found that photograph," remarked Paul McGranite, a wealthy investor from North Quincy. "People in this city do far too many drugs to remember a few months back. This past summer is nothing but a fading memory to most of these people, if that. We really proved something here with this picture. Pictures are the best form of proof for anything. They can't be altered, they can't be doctored, and everything you see in them is exactly as it happened. This snow will melt away, eventually. I truly believe that now."

Body of hit-and-run victim found in West Quincy by local cat with raging gambling addiction

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The body of a hit-and-run victim was found in West Quincy this morning, on Garfield Street, ironically, by local feline miscreant, Waldo-Juanchavez, who, as reports say, has a $400-per-day scratch ticket addiction.

Waldo-Juanchavez was last in the news when he was charged on several counts of domesticated abuse, after a dispute with then-girlfriend, Dawn-Carmelita, left her partially blind in one eye.

The body of the man, which, at this point, remains unidentified, was found by Waldo-Juanchavez at approximately 6:30AM, as the cat was preparing for yet another vigorous morning of non-stop, frantic gambling.

Waldo-Juanchavez was unable to comment on his findings, however, as his larynx is not nearly as developed as the average humans, making conversation with authorities a drastically tiresome effort.


Waldo-Juanchavez, contemplating what life will be like when he finally hits it big.

Flip Retrievex, a part-time 7-Eleven employee, flagged down a Quincy Police officer and alerted him of the strange scenario.

“I saw Waldo-Juanchavez lurking near the body,” said Retrievex. “He usually swings by my store first thing in the morning before heading over to Lil’ Peach in Dorchester, and then back through to some other spots in Quincy. He has a very specific routine. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him win anything this way, but you can’t break a routine once it gets going. No, sir.”

Waldo-Juanchavez, working on his third pouch of Tender Vittles cat food, remained silent during questioning, possibly due to shock from finding the dead body, but more likely due to his frustration over a measly $4 in winnings after spending $200 on “Crazy Diamonds!” Massachusetts State Lottery tickets.

As ambulances and fire trucks convened on Garfield Street, neighborhood residents were asked to provide any possible information they could.

“You gotta stick to one store and hit the same type of ticket, I tell ya!” screamed George Chopsuey. When informed that police were looking for details about a fatal hit-and-run accident, Chopsuey spun a complex web of lies and returned to his home where he promptly shut off the lights and remained silent.

No further information has been released in regards to the identity of the dead body, although it is expected that more clues will become available as soon as somebody grows a set of balls and checks his pants for an ID.

Arrival of mysterious horse and cat duo paves way for horrific mall Santa debacle, other events

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The arrival of a mysterious horse and cat duo has paved way for a series of wacky and unexplained events in the City of Presidents, causing many Quincy residents to begin thinking that Cat Stevens may have been correct when he claimed this world was, in fact, a wild world.

The horse and cat duo arrived in Quincy yesterday afternoon, by way of the Atherton-Cod Ferry System, which brings daily commuters back to the mainland after traveling the brand new eight-lane, sixty-mile-long bridge, which connects Hough's Neck's Raccoon Island to Sandwich, Cape Cod.

The horse, who claimed to have no name, arrived on the ferry with his best friend and attorney, Elmore-Pedro, whose bloodline can be directly connected with none other than Leo-Hector, the famed feline beau, last in the news after receiving the prestigious Outstanding Quincy Citizen of the Year Award.

“I’m not sure what’s going on here,” whispered Nicholas Copernicus, a nervous wreck from the working class section of Fenno Street. An accomplished shoe shiner and part-time astronomer, Copernicus was one of the first on scene to witness the arrival of the controversial duo. “I now have to rethink some of---nay---all of what I have previously known about astronomy since this occurrence. And at least part of what I had previously known about shining shoes.”

Elmore-Pedro had no response to Copernicus’ anxious ramblings, but the horse responded with a series of insane facial expressions and throat-shredding shrieks that caused a nearby Toyota Corolla to explode dramatically.

After firefighters were able to tame the blazing inferno, the gathering crowd was told to "settle the fuck down," as those who were interested were given the opportunity to line up and have their picture taken with Ralph "Sloppy Dog" Brancaccio, the third-degree burn victim from Adams Shore, who dresses like Santa Claus every day of the year.


Ralph Brancaccio, being photographed with a child who is in paralyzing fear.

These Christmas pictures were offered to the crowd free of charge by Wings Express, the former Quincy Center chicken wing delivery service, who now dabbles in the high stakes game of seasonal photography.

While children, the elderly, and the homeless were slowly being consumed by Brancaccio’s soul-crushing gaze, others weren’t so lucky.

The horse and cat advanced towards Quincy Center later that evening. Making both friends and enemies, they managed to subdue all questions and inquiries into their actions with a devastating web of lies, produced mostly by exaggerated facial expressions and frequent blinking.

A torch-carrying mob of primitive, blue-collar citizens then began gathering outside of the abandoned site that was once the home of Taso’s Pizza, demanding that city officials step in and “do something” about the two beasts.

Mike Texas, a 2004 Dr. Pepper spokesman of the year, was the first to petition Mayor Koch’s office to forcibly remove the horse and cat from Quincy.

“I twittered him, ked," said Texas. "I twittered him all day. That mayor better get off his pizza-eatin’ ass and get some cops out here. Shoot that horse like he was a Milton firefighter (oh snap!) and toss that cat into the ocean. People are trying to drink in this town, we don’t need this shit!”


Mike Texas, circa 2004, back when he was living the American dream.

It was at this time that the entire crowd grew immediately silent, as a sharp looking, tinted-as-fuck, powder blue Dodge Aries K pulled up and the horse and cat duo hopped in the backseat, never to be seen again.

Smoking the tires for no less than a solid hour, the Dodge Aries K then headed north, darting between each car it passed with the precision and aptness of a perfectly-designed vibrator. Some say that the car just kept on going, possibly as far as Boston. Others say it may have reached as far as Methuen, where the duo and their unknown driver may have gone to visit the home of Elmore-Pedro's distant cousin, bronze medal Olympic judo competitor, Jimmy Pedro.

But no matter what people speculate, or what theories some may have, no one can truly be sure, because in a world where a horse and cat can get along and ride the ferry together, nothing is what it seems.

Local schoolboys tossed aside as mysterious heartthrob emerges at Quincy High School

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The male students of Quincy High School took a major hit this week, as a mysterious stranger emerged, adorned in the torn jeans and open flannels of an early-nineties grunge fan, and with a stare so piercing it could sink deep into the heart of even the most androgynous girl.

Advancing through the halls at the cool speed of a turtle, reeking of Noxzema and last night’s fuck, Jordan Catalano paved way to the student registry, ready and willing to call Quincy his new home.

The arrival of Jordan Catalano, of course, did not come without protest, as many of the school’s eye-catching regulars are now complaining about what appears to be hard times to come.


Jordan Catalano, pulling his signature "I couldn't care less" move on an unsuspecting girl.

“I just can’t catch a break since this kid showed up,” grumbled Billy McPhillips, the head quarterback of the Quincy High School Presidents, who was voted “Most Attractive” in his junior year yearbook. “I used to get more ass than a proctologist until this Catalano guy came to Quincy. Now I’m getting handies in West Quincy for thirty bucks a pop. This is fucking bullshit.”

With the muscular arms of a professional athlete, built for those crowd-pleasing 30-yard touchdown passes, as well as the occasional, vigorous, late-night fingering in the backseat of his father’s Mustang, McPhillips then began banging on tables, visibly shaken by his recent decline.

“I just can’t take it anymore,” he screamed, as he darted off into the distance to settle the score. "You haven't heard the last from Billy McPhillips! You can count on that."


Billy McPhillips, obviously displeased about his new-found rival.

Flooded with patients, the nurses at the high school also complained about Catalano’s presence, claiming over half of the school’s female population have been receiving fluids through an intravenous drip, as the pure sight of Catalano alone had caused them all to lose their natural bodily fluids by way of their panties.

“These girls are all dried up,” claimed nurse Julie Bummings, an all-around wacky medical expert, last in the news after allegations of reusing postage stamps nearly caused her to resign. “This kid is just too good looking. I got girls walking around here with about as much moisture in ‘em as a salted cashew. Somebody put a fucking mask on that kid, already!”

When asked to comment about his sudden arrival, Catalano merely looked downwards and put his hands in his pockets, all while Imperial Teen’s “Yoo Hoo” played mysteriously from the school’s brand new Bose speaker system.

Billy McPhillips was found dead shortly after he was interviewed by what appeared to be a most vicious, self-inflicted punch to the face.

In compliance with his very specific Last Will and Testament, he will be buried at sea, at the exact coordinates 42.2667°N 70.9578°W, as his love for the Hough’s Neck section of Quincy was surpassed by no other.

Long-lost final Skrewdriver album unearthed in basement of Quincy Records & Tapes

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The master tapes for a long-lost final Skrewdriver album were found in the basement of the now-defunct Quincy Records & Tapes yesterday afternoon, after a team of scientists stumbled upon them during an attempt to dig to the Earth's core.

The album, which was lost shortly after singer Ian Stuart's death, had been missing since 1993, and had been widely considered to be gone forever, until now.

What is most surprising about these master tapes is the tremendous amount of guest spots featured on the album, which appear to include many early-nineties hip hop artists, ranging from West Coast G-funk artists, such as Kurupt and Cold187um, to underground East Coast rappers, such as Nas and Kool G Rap.

It is these recent findings that has the generally well-liked racist community up in arms, some of which have displayed signs of utter disbelief, claiming that the release of these master tapes would not only ruin the good name of racist bigots worldwide, but could also possibly be considered an act of communism.

NotCommon Records founder and CEO, JoJo Dancer, has already expressed interest in putting these masters to disc, in an attempt to produce enough copies for sale in time for the current Christmas season.

As stated in his press conference at Spukie's Pizza, Dancer plans on releasing the track, "Built Up, Knocked Down 2: The Zoo," which features both GZA and Raekwon of the Wu-Tang Clan, as the lead single. It will be based on the sales statistics of this single that will determine the amount of copies that will be pressed into solid gold compact discs, although experts predict that the amount will exceed one million.

Music blogs and message boards across the internet are foaming at the mouth in anticipation. Many advertisers on sites such as Yousendit and Megaupload are speculating that this is the most eagerly awaited illegal download since Alec Baldwin’s infamous voicemail rant, where he used his finely-tuned narrator-style voice to turn his daughter’s self esteem into a putrid pile of garbage.

Louis Vermil, the first person to ever suffer acute alcohol poisoning from O’Doul's, remarked that a crossover project of this magnitude is just what the record industry needs to get back on it’s feet.

“Things are tough all over," said Vermil. "Music itself is pretty much dead. It just can't survive in these times. There hasn’t been a major, groundbreaking release since Garth Brooks dropped that Chris Baines LP. That shit was hot.”


Skrewdriver, posing for a photo shoot behind Napoli's Pizza in Quincy Center.

Pausing briefly to read a September article of The Quincy Scallion, Vermil continued. “This, however, stands to be an even more impressive album. I mean, the amount of 'yo’s' and 'oi’s' on the first six tracks alone are rumored to be in the thousands. There will be vowels everywhere!”

The liner notes found near the demo tapes reveal Mr. Stuart's intention to break out to a new audience and expand his following. A track listed as “Timberland Boots & Braces (It Don’t Stop Y’all)” was earmarked to appear on the Judgment Night movie soundtrack, but unfortunately was not submitted in time to meet the deadline. Stuart pondered that a possible left-wing conspiracy forced him to sleep through his alarm clock and therefore not deliver the track to the post office before it closed.

Also of note are scrawled lyrics next to a track tentatively labeled “Blue Power (Smash the Reds),” which was to have guest spots from Suge Knight, Foozball, and Scribbly G. Willikers. The track was a collaboration between Compton area Crips and the London branch of Blood & Honour to diss both the Bloods gang, as well as communism as a whole. It was never completed, however, due to G. Willikers’ untimely demise on the Yankee Cannonball ride at Canobie Lake Park.

Hollywood heartthrob and owner of the Brockton Rox baseball team, Bill Murray, was also reached for comment for some reason.

“This whole thing sounds about as nice as pie,” quipped Murray, in his trademark deadpan response. “How about this weather, huh? Seventy degrees in December? One time I saw a guy put his socks on over his sneakers. Now that’s a story to write home about. Either way, Skrewdriver is one of the best bands I have ever heard. Their live performances were pretty intense. Next to the Ducky Boys, their shows were probably the most brutal around.”

GZA, RZA, and Bill Murray, grabbing a bite to eat in a replica of Eddie's Diner.

As to the fate of this long-lost Skrewdriver album, no one is sure. If test runs show positive signs, as they presumably will, it is expected to be released on 12/12/2009, as any true fan of Ian Stuart knows of his love for ones and twos, as well as his general acceptance for nines and zeros.

Popular Squantum drinking spot revealed to be White Castle hamburger franchise

Article by Beak Wilder and Spanky / Photo courtesy of "Gorgeous" George Camaro

A popular Squantum drinking spot, or "The Rock," as it is called by residents of the peninsula getaway, was revealed to actually be the location of a White Castle hamburger chain yesterday.

This shocking discovery came about when local musician and photographer, "Gorgeous" George Camaro, took a photograph of what he believed to be a shirtless President Obama, walking around in a state of confusion, screaming, "Where is everybody? I was told there would be acid!"

In this photograph, a White Castle restaurant can be seen clearly just behind the alleged President, to his right, causing many Quincy residents to become infuriated by Squantum natives for keeping such a seemingly delicious burger joint a secret for what some have claimed to be "so many years."

"That White Castle has been here for so many years," remarked Matty Screwzlik, a Squantum kid who once went to a Digable Planets show by himself. "I used to run numbers out of the bathroom in there. Every time we fixed a Sailors game, we'd cash in real big and then get White Castle cheeseburger boxes. I guess we just never told anyone because our parents never told anyone. And neither did their parents. It's kind of like one of those small-town secrets, like in Shirley Jackson's 'The Lottery,' where the whole town stones some bitch just because of some crazy ritual that supposedly guarantees them a good harvest. Well, that White Castle is our harvest, and we have to protect that. Although, I guess the cat's outta the bag now, so whatever. If you need me, I'll be burying White Castle cheeseburger boxes in my backyard. I'll be fucked if I'm gonna let those mainlanders come and take my burgers. Those mainlanders are always after our shit. I hate those people. They're weird."

Though the once-thought popular drinking spot has been revealed to be otherwise, most Squantum residents admit to have at least partied there "no less than four hundred times." Authorities have stated that they are now interested in staking out the location during the nighttime hours when it is closed, although the one cop assigned to Squantum refused, on the basis that it made him "feel uncomfortable," as he was not a fan of "going against the grain."

John Stamos sighting at Hough's Neck beach causes citywide craze, inadvertantly stabilizes current economic crisis

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A John Stamos sighting off the coast of Hough's Neck has the city on red alert this afternoon as residents of the area are left to wonder what's next.

The media icon was spotted this morning approximately sixty feet from shore on Perry Beach by a resident of the small peninsula community as he breezed by in a kayak with what appeared to be a six-pack of Miller Lite.

"I caught something out of the corner of my eye, and there he was," explained John Galluzzo, who recalled coming face-to-face with the living legend. "I was taking a thirty-minute walk down Rock Island Road, just minding my business. I had no idea that an absolute American hero was so close to me. He was cutting through the water like the dorsal fin of a massive great white shark. He paddled with such grace, such perfection. He was like a machine. At first, I didn't think he noticed me, but then I remembered that John Stamos has amazing peripheral vision. I watched as he passed me, and then immediately went to the Hofbrau and bought everybody there three rounds of drinks."

Having had three rounds of drinks purchased for them, the patrons at the Hofbrau then found themselves with more money in their pockets than they had expected.

Patty Campbell, a freelance photographer from Adams Shore, used this extra money to purchase a motel room for the night, which ended up becoming one of the better parties of the summer.


Patty Campbell, bouncing around like a rabid AIDS victim at the Presidents' City Inn

"All these people started coming in and buying rooms," explained Ron Ketchup, the daytime manager of the less-than-wholesome establishment. "Everybody started buying chips and sodas, and some of them even tipped me for ice. It was great. I went right to Wal-Mart and bought an 80GB iPod Nano. I've wanted one of those things for so long. Next, I'm buying a computer. Those things are insane."

With the sudden rise in department store sales, many retail employees found themselves overwhelmed by the large, demanding crowds, resulting in many of them going out for a few cold beers, as well. As residents piled into bars, the buzz of Stamos' presence lingered, causing many people to hear downright lies about the television actor's reason for being here.

"I was told he was filming a movie about William Rosenberg, the founder of Dunkin' Donuts," said Chip Williams, a maintenance man at Ocean State Job Lot, who, after receiving word of Stamos' visit, spent the entire afternoon drinking at the Chantey. "I've been drinking Miller Lites all day long, it's great. That's what people are saying he was drinking. Who could blame him? Miller Lite makes an excellent product. It's a fine pilsner beer. I was so excited, I gave my bartender a twenty dollar tip."

Having been bombarded by excessive tips, Chantey owner John Turner called his financial advisor and invested over three thousand dollars in Ford Motor Company, just before market close.

"I had so much money on me," he recalled. "I couldn't even imagine ever spending that much. I just figured it would be best to invest it in an American car company. Ford makes a pretty decent product. It's not the best, but it's decent. Either way, there was so much money flying around in all the excitement today that over half of my friends have paid their mortgages off. It all happened so quick. We got word that Stamos was in the area, and then, before I knew it, this recession was over, and John Stamos was still fucking gorgeous. Everybody wins today, except the homeless, of course."

No matter what bar people went to throughout the day, lines stretched out the door and down the street. As far as the eye could see, Quincy residents tried to keep their cool, all of them secretly craving the delicious taste of premium draft beer. Many area natives took to drinking nips while waiting, some of them even passing out old before ever even reaching the bar.

John Stamos, making sure an intoxicated party animal makes it to bed for the night.

Theories as to why the beloved actor was in town for the day include a possible party at Labrecque Field, the Friday lunch special at the Boars Nest, and a secret meeting with mayor candidate Tom Turkolio.

"I couldn't believe he was in Quincy," said Matty Southside, the self-proclaimed "Donnie Wahlberg of South Quincy," last in the news yesterday after his wife gave birth to his new baby son and heir to the Bradford Park throne, Jonathan David Southside. "My wife and I went out and bought a flat screen to watch the news coverage of it, but there wasn't any. It's no problem, though. We needed a new TV anyway, and the guy I bought it from went out and bought a shitload of house supplies with the commission he made. Then, the lady he bought the house supplies off ended up tossing me and my wife a few bucks. As it turns out, she was friends with my wife back in the day, and had owed her a hundred bucks. What goes around, comes around, I guess. It's a wacky chain reaction, and it's all because of that hilarious dude. I fucking love John Stamos. Uncle Jesse gave up his entire youth to help his brother-in-law and nieces. If that's not dedication, I don't know what is. And the fact that I'm talking about his character on Full House like he was a real person just proves how good Stamos is. He's always so convincing, no matter what the role. Best actor in the world, hands fucking down."

But not all fared well in the ensuing chaos, as Rhonda Whittaker, a hideous, crack-addicted menace from Germantown, was found dead in a dumpster behind the DB Mart on Sea Street.

Whittaker's body was identified by a very specific tattoo on the "tramp stamp" area of her back, as all of her teeth had been removed. As with other murders in recent past, a Dunkin' Donuts Great One cup was found in the general vicinity of the body, leading authorities to think about possibly taking a more proactive stance on catching this malicious killer who has evaded police for months.

Rhonda Whittaker, either just before, or just after, blowing a dude. Either way...ugh!!!

There is no word yet on what John Stamos' purpose was in Quincy, nor has there been any word on how long he will be staying. Authorities have urged all citizens to appreciate what little time they had with him, and to remain calm during his stay.

All residents who encounter John Stamos over the weekend have been asked to please call Joe Schlopp of City Hall at 617-376-1990, as Mr. Schlopp reportedly has a "bone to pick with Stamos over ending Full House with that stupid double-episode about Michelle getting amnesia."

"I hated Michelle," Schlopp said. "She was better than DJ, but Stephanie was the best. Jodie Sweetin had to be one of the funniest little girls around back then. What happened to her anyway? I heard she got fake breasts and it all just went downhill from there. Oh well. You win some, you lose some. And when John Stamos is a guest of your city for the weekend, you win. And that's good enough for me."

Recent scientific study proves that watching sports makes you "sort of gay"

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A recent study conducted by scientists has shown that there is a definite connection between watching sports and being homosexual.

The study, which was conducted in front of O'Brien's Pub in Allston, was overseen by three highly respected area men, and was rumored to last almost the exact amount of time it took for Rampant Decay to start playing and then get banned for life. It was a storyline O'Brien's Pub had most definitely seen before.

"Those scientists were up to something," claimed Jimmy Flynn, a "man with a plan" type of guy with at least ten years of being shifty and shady under his belt. "They were trying to discover shit."

Scientists in the area refused to admit whether, or not, they were there to, in fact, discover shit, however, many locals believed that they were.

"It's sort of gay," said Jorge Camifortia, a crisp looking fellow from the smooth part of town. "It's just a bunch of dudes sitting around on a couch, watching a bunch of other dudes on the television. It's really weird, y'know? I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being gay. I'm just pointing out something I've noticed, that's all. All I'm saying is, if I was watching a movie that had a bunch of dudes slapping each other on the ass, people would start to think things about me. And who blame 'em?"

There has been no comment yet from any sports fan, as they are all assumed to be slapping, touching, and hugging, all while screaming "we did it" into the air, even though they didn't actually do anything at all.

City stunned as Dairy Freeze sign mysteriously predicts celebrity deaths

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The entire city of Quincy was left stunned as a mysterious sign outside a local Dairy Freeze on Adams Street has once again accurately predicted a celebrity death. The sign, which has predicted the exact date of Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and now celebrity pitchman Billy Mays’ deaths, has shocked all who have witnessed it’s awesome power.

Adding to the eerie nature of things, staff of the business claim that no one has admitted to placing letters on the sign, which has been unused since 1993. Apparently, the managers of the Dairy Freeze suspended employees from using the sign after a late night prank advertising “Butt Cream Sundaes” and “Hot Fudge Cancer” for “$5,000.00 Dollars” brought in numerous complaints. Since then, the sign has been left bare until recent events.

“It’s definitely spooky,” remarked day manager Tommy VonGatton, “I don’t really feel safe working here anymore. I mean, I guess the Hollywood community should feel even less safe than I do, considering the fact that they’re the ones dropping like flies, but I still don’t like it.”

When questioned as to whether Mr. VonGatton had any idea who was putting up the mysterious messages on the sign, he stated that none of his employees were to blame. “No, there is no one doing it," he added. "I have watched all the security tapes and the letters just appear at midnight every night. It’s completely fucked up.”

The bizarre messages began appearing last year but were not taken seriously by management until the recent spate of celebrity deaths. Former employee and recent Quincy College dropout, Fletch McCarthy, worked at the Dairy Freeze last year and claims to be the first person to notice the odd messages.

“Yeah, it was nuts,” explained McCarthy between slugs of lukewarm Sam Adams Boston Lager. “I went out to crush some ales in the parking lot on my break and saw that there was shit written on the sign. Nobody is supposed to put anything up there. It’s the first thing they taught me in the training course. Well, right after they told me to put my beers away, but c’mon dude, that’s just childish. This kids tryin’ to serve some cold delights over here.”

McCarthy then paused to fire a box of empty bottles over a nearby fence before resuming his story. “The sign said something about ‘One Free Small Sundae When You Purchase a Large Ice Blizzard,' but then, below that, it said ‘Heath Ledger WILL Die on January 21, 2008.’ I mean, I thought that was kinda weird, but the small sundae thing made sense considering that was the special deal that week, so I just left it alone. I didn't really think much of it at the time."

While the prediction regarding Ledger’s death struck some as strange, it was not taken seriously, as it was one day off from the actor’s actual date of death. But not long after, things began to change, and the sign grew more and more accurate. Passersby began gathering around it and slowly, but surely, the sign became a tourist hotspot. Japanese-American tourists from as far away as Hingham could be seen taking pictures with the now infamous landmark. Many celebrities, including notorious shitbag Robin Williams, nervously wrote into Dairy Freeze’s upper management in the hopes that the sign might be taken down. When reached for comment, franchise owner “Dairy” Don Freeze explained that they would like to bow to the pressure from the Hollywood community, but the sign has been “one hundred percent accurate in advertising up-to-the-minute ice cream specials, thus making it the most competent worker Dairy Freeze has ever had”, and has even been the source of added revenue for the business.

“We’re going to miss Mr. Mays and his loud-as-hell sales pitches,” sighed Freeze. "But that doesn’t mean the ice-cream-loving public should miss out on the ridiculously low priced ‘Hurricane Blueberry Blizzard Shake’ that is being served this week! There's no better way to start off the summer.”

For now, the entire entertainment industry must hold it’s breath and await further morbid predictions from the sign, while the entire ice-cream-loving world awaits with equal anticipation for the newest deals and specials on delicious summer treats.

Quincy resident uncovers vague sexual undertones in Nine Inch Nails hit song "Closer"

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Moranzo Llamas, a local day laborer known for pointing out ridiculously obvious things and then taking the credit for it, has found what he believes to be a hidden sexual agenda in the hit Nine Inch Nails song, "Closer."

The discovery was made while playing the song during a late night jukebox session that occurred last night at Sully's on Chestnut Street, just after Trent Reznor repeatedly shouted the words "I wanna fuck you like an animal."

"I couldn't believe it," said Llamas, who spoke between bites of his world famous Sully's baked stuffed clams. "I had probably heard that song a thousand times before last night and never noticed a thing. Trent Reznor's good like that, he can slip one past ya when you're least expecting it, and no one would be the wiser."

Stopping briefly to take one of the fiercest bowel movements this reporter has ever had the displeasure of listening to, Moranzo emerged from the Sully's bathroom, eager to continue his tale. "Anyway, I was amazed at how many erotic innuendos there are in that song. They're subtle, but they're there. You just gotta know where to find them. Lines like 'you let me violate you' and 'you let me penetrate you' are all over that song. I mean, there's really no way around it, that's sexy talk. And what the fuck does 'I drink the honey inside your hive' mean? I honestly have no clue, but it's racy-as-fuck. That's some come-hither shit right there, that's what that is. I wouldn't mind trying out a little of that shit---you know---with the right girl, that is. Either way, I probably wouldn't be ordering the clams from this place. I should have known that $1.50 was too good to be true for baked stuffed clams, even in this town. Seriously, I don't mean to knock the food here, or anything like that, but I don't feel so hot."

Llamas was then rushed to Quincy Medical Center, where he was immediately asked to leave, as his health insurance exclusions clearly state that all Sully's-related incidents are not covered, no matter how big or small. He was then brought to a former medical student's basement in Dorchester, where his stomach was pumped using a makeshift apparatus made from an old Flowbee and a length of garden hose.

Image of Craigslist Killer caught on camera above Quincy Center skyline

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Elizabeth Longfur

In what may be the absolute weirdest fucking shit this city has ever seen, a photograph was taken yesterday evening of the Quincy Center skyline with what appears to be the image of the Craigslist Killer in the top left portion.

Scientists are baffled by what may be the first sign of evidence that the Craigslist Killer is not a man, but an omnipresent being, or possibly even a god.

"There's no scientific way to explain this picture," remarked Matty Hammers, a local scientist from the mean streets of Allston. "I've been working in the field of science for quite some time now, and never before have I seen anything like this. This is literally the most mind-blowing, jaw-dropping, face-smashing, ball-grinding shit I have ever seen. It makes me rethink what science has taught us, and I don't like that."

The photograph, which was taken at approximately 6:30PM last night, was presented to us by Elizabeth Longfur of Squantum, who insanely rambled her side of the story to us in between brief moments of vomiting and spasms. "I was up on the rooftops," she explained. "Obviously getting fucked up. Why else would I be on a fucking rooftop, right? I'm up there, just thinking some shit through, and I'm just drilling cans of Natty Ice. And I mean I was literally drilling them. Chug, chug, bam---how ya like that shit---right to the fucking face. And I'm starting to get a little fucked up, I'm not gonna lie, there's no use. That's when I decide to switch to the the bong. I don't have any water on me, so I toss a little Natty Ice in there, pack that shit, and I just start slugging bong hits like it ain't no thing. One hit, two hits, three hits, four---right to the face---fucking whatever, dude. Go fuck yourself. Don't really care. I'm just getting ripped apart, sliced up, fucking annihilated. I'm thinking I better slow down at this point, so I sorta make a pact with myself to pack the thing one more time, then call it quits, right? One more hit, then another one, and another one after that, you know the deal. I'm getting ruthless up in that piece. Fucking ruthless. That's when I look over and see some dude's mug all up in Quincy's shit. I'm thinking it's just something in my mind, you know? Wouldn't be the first time I hallucinated something crazy, that's for fucking sure. This one time at the Squantum school yard, I saw Abe Lincoln shooting free throws with fucking puppies, it was hilarious. Acid was so fucking good back in the day, seriously. Where's that shit been lately, right? So, whatever, moving along. I end up taking a picture of this shit and I head home, not really thinking much of it at all. Anyway, I wake up this morning and take a look at the picture and the dude's still there. That's when I called the press. Not much more to say, to be honest. It was some dead serious shit though, I'll tell you that much."

At this point, no independent researcher or institution has been able to provide any evidence that Longfur's photograph has been falsified in any way. Programs such as Adobe Photoshop and Microsoft Paint have been ruled out, as Longfur swears she does not own a personal computer.

Boston's eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst, Audrey Baloney, arrived on the scene shortly after this sighting was reported. "Honestly, this is a little out of my league here," she claimed. "Basically, I was called in because the word 'rooftop' was mentioned. That's what I do. That's my thing. Anything supernatural, unexplained, or even borderline mystical, I'd much rather hand it over to someone else. Knowing what I know about the Craigslist Killer, however, I'd say that everybody is probably pretty safe, for the most part. Aside from prostitutes, that is. Anybody out there sucking dudes off for coke money should probably take a quick glance at the sky first, if you know what I'm saying. Or, just for the sake of offering new ideas, stop sucking dudes off for coke money. There's always that option."

In a not-so-shocking turn of events, Elizabeth Longfur was rushed to Quincy Medical Center almost immediately after her interview with the Scallion. She was diagnosed with extreme bong hit poisoning, making it the first ever recorded case of such a seemingly ridiculous ailment. Authorities have stated that they will remain at Quincy Medical Center until Longfur regains consciousness, at which point they will apprehend her for a series of charges and "set that bitch straight once and for all."

8 Ball jacket spotted at Club 58, entire city left to wonder what's next

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i580 cell phone

In a recent discovery, a mint condition 8 Ball jacket was seen being worn by a local hip-hop enthusiast at Quincy's Club 58, the former Shooters pool hall, now known for its overwhelmingly high level of tolerance to debaucherous bathroom gropings, late night "key bump" antics, and outdated fashion statements.

"It's jackets like these that make me worry," stated Radek Foozbowski, manager of the Knights of Columbus's weekly meat raffle. "With 8 Ball jackets, there's always trouble. I don't know if they just disperse these jackets into the already seedy underbelly of Quincy, or maybe the jackets themselves are what infect the minds of these people, but when you see an 8 Ball jacket heading your way, you turn the other way and run. You get the fuck out of wherever you are, and you don't look back, because there's no way that the bearer of that jacket has anything that could even closely be considered good intentions."

Patrons in attendance were panicked by the 8 Ball jacket almost immediately, some of them resorting to extreme measures to ensure their quick escape. "I called the cops the second I saw the thing," remarked Larry Manusha, a longtime fan of the Quincy nightlife. "Before the jacket even made its way to the bar, people were screaming and trampling over each other to get out. It was absolute chaos. It actually reminded me a lot of the bank robbery scene in Heat, or some deleted scene out of Cloverfield, or something like that. People were literally slipping into madness, all of them just piling up at the exits. Destructive Rhythm had to stop their set short and make a break for it, leaving behind a vintage Ludwig kit that the 8 Ball jacket just consumed like it was "The Blob." I'm just glad I made it out of there alive. Living through something like this really makes you think."

As to the current whereabouts of this 8 Ball jacket, no one is sure, although some have speculated that it is still present at Club 58, lurking in the shadows, patiently awaiting its next victim. Other theorists have concluded that the jacket was merely a figment of everyone's imaginations, brought on by a combination of the bright, multi-colored lights of Club 58 and the lingering post-traumatic stress from 9/11. Until further information is available, it is advised that all Quincy residents remain keen and aware of their surroundings, as the possibility of an 8 Ball jacket infiltration is there. More on this continuing story as it develops.

Quincy-originally-being-part-of-Braintree revealed to be nothing more than Wikipedia rumor

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In an exciting, new revelation, a twelve person panel of high ranking city officials have discovered that Quincy was, in fact, never considered part of Braintree, as was previously thought by many historians. The investigatory panel, which was handpicked by the mayor last Tuesday as part of the city's new "Fuck Braintree" campaign, uncovered this truth late last night, just after they scientifically proved that, on average, any one given Quincy kid could take two Braintree kids in a fight, even if both arms were tied behind his back.

"We did a crazy amount of research, and we literally couldn't find a single piece of evidence showing that Quincy was originally a part of Braintree," commented former assistant to the mayor's assistant, Joe Schlopp. "Other than what Wikipedia says, it's all just a bunch of hearsay. People like to talk. They like to run their mouths and stir the pot, especially if they're from one of our less fortunate bordering towns. This is obviously a rumor started by Braintree, most likely out of jealousy for how many train stations we have. We have four, and Braintree only has one. And don't even get me started on bus routes---we have millions of them. It was a pretty extensive study we did, and I'm confident in the fact that we have nothing to do with Braintree whatsoever. We didn't exactly reference any actual books, or anything like that, but we asked around on message boards, talked in chat rooms, checked out some of the leading websites, busted out a little Twitter action, and stuff like that. See, the mayor got everybody these new iPhones, and, to be honest, we couldn't really take our hands off them, so we were pretty much all set with going to the library. Did you know that you can point an iPhone up to the sky while a song is playing and it will tell you what song it is? It can figure out any song in the world. Well, it couldn't figure out my own band's song, now that I think about it, but that was probably just a glitch, because my band is actually starting to get really well known around here. We're playing tonight at Firefly's with Ernie & The Automatics, if anyone's interested."

Some Quincy residents took the recent news as a chance to further slander the notoriously boring town. "I don't even consider Braintree an actual place," said Spanky, a former Iron Chef winner from Quincy Point. "What do they even have aside from the mall and Chili's? Nothing---that's what they have---nothing but a bunch of pussies and some disgusting, cheap motel next to a rundown Bickford's."

Braintree residents, however, had no hesitation forming their rebuttal. "This only further proves the ignorance that Quincy is known for," remarked Dick Strong, head historian for Braintree's Water and Sewage Department. "If you look at Braintree's sewer system, it's set to run directly into the heart of Wollaston Beach. Would our town ever have been able to pull that off if we weren't, at one point, their leader? Quincy kid's are gonna have to come to the realization that they were once Braintree. There's just no way around it. The facts are the facts."

Unidentified sea creature spotted off coast of Wollaston Beach

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A strange, unidentified sea creature was spotted yesterday afternoon just off the coast of Wollaston Beach, by the area of the Squantum Yacht Club. The creature, which was estimated to be approximately seven-feet-tall, showed no signs of aggression, but did appear to take an immediate interest in a pile of colorful tampon applicators which had washed up on shore.

Most beachgoers remained at a safe distance from the oddity. With the exception of two groups of high school students yelling over to the sea creature to buy them alcohol, no human contact was established. Police were dispatched to the scene and arrived only minutes after it was first discovered.

Officer Nico Haylen was the first to respond. "I've been a cop for about three days now," he explained. "And I thought I had seen it all, but I've never seen anything like this. This is clearly a breed of sea creature that we are not familiar with yet."

“What was that thing?" gasped Brandi Orthanc, a 3-out-of-10 from South Quincy. “I come to this beach for the false sense of nature, and to get away from my abusive parole officer, not to get scared by sea creatures. If I wanted to see monsters, I’d hang out at the North Quincy McDonald's.”

Others on the beach were less shocked by the creature than others. "I've been walking this beach for many years," said Michael Crockhurst, a local liquor store clerk. "I'm pretty sure I've seen the thing a few other times, but it never seems to bother anyone. I think it's just curious. It was pretty much minding it's own business until that crazy cop showed up and started firing rounds at it."

Officer Haylen denies all claims of firing his weapon at the creature, but was unable to explain the lingering smell of gun powder, the empty bullet shells in the sand, or the multiple eyewitness accounts, all stating that at least twenty shots were fired.

As to where the mysterious sea creature comes from, scientists are still unsure. Some believe it is a creature long-since-thought to be extinct, although those who take local folklore more seriously claim it is, in fact, Danny McGrier, the Squantum youth who was banished to the sea in the summer of 1994, after publicly stating that the Clash was only his second favorite band. "Is it possible that a human could evolve into something like what we have seen here?" asked Dr. Raymond Rupolio. "Of course it is. It's not very likely, but it's possible. Science is an ever-changing mystery, and more often than not, we find some extremely fucked up shit. There's a lot of really fascinating things out there, just waiting to be discovered.."