Long-lost final Skrewdriver album unearthed in basement of Quincy Records & Tapes

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The master tapes for a long-lost final Skrewdriver album were found in the basement of the now-defunct Quincy Records & Tapes yesterday afternoon, after a team of scientists stumbled upon them during an attempt to dig to the Earth's core.

The album, which was lost shortly after singer Ian Stuart's death, had been missing since 1993, and had been widely considered to be gone forever, until now.

What is most surprising about these master tapes is the tremendous amount of guest spots featured on the album, which appear to include many early-nineties hip hop artists, ranging from West Coast G-funk artists, such as Kurupt and Cold187um, to underground East Coast rappers, such as Nas and Kool G Rap.

It is these recent findings that has the generally well-liked racist community up in arms, some of which have displayed signs of utter disbelief, claiming that the release of these master tapes would not only ruin the good name of racist bigots worldwide, but could also possibly be considered an act of communism.

NotCommon Records founder and CEO, JoJo Dancer, has already expressed interest in putting these masters to disc, in an attempt to produce enough copies for sale in time for the current Christmas season.

As stated in his press conference at Spukie's Pizza, Dancer plans on releasing the track, "Built Up, Knocked Down 2: The Zoo," which features both GZA and Raekwon of the Wu-Tang Clan, as the lead single. It will be based on the sales statistics of this single that will determine the amount of copies that will be pressed into solid gold compact discs, although experts predict that the amount will exceed one million.

Music blogs and message boards across the internet are foaming at the mouth in anticipation. Many advertisers on sites such as Yousendit and Megaupload are speculating that this is the most eagerly awaited illegal download since Alec Baldwin’s infamous voicemail rant, where he used his finely-tuned narrator-style voice to turn his daughter’s self esteem into a putrid pile of garbage.

Louis Vermil, the first person to ever suffer acute alcohol poisoning from O’Doul's, remarked that a crossover project of this magnitude is just what the record industry needs to get back on it’s feet.

“Things are tough all over," said Vermil. "Music itself is pretty much dead. It just can't survive in these times. There hasn’t been a major, groundbreaking release since Garth Brooks dropped that Chris Baines LP. That shit was hot.”


Skrewdriver, posing for a photo shoot behind Napoli's Pizza in Quincy Center.

Pausing briefly to read a September article of The Quincy Scallion, Vermil continued. “This, however, stands to be an even more impressive album. I mean, the amount of 'yo’s' and 'oi’s' on the first six tracks alone are rumored to be in the thousands. There will be vowels everywhere!”

The liner notes found near the demo tapes reveal Mr. Stuart's intention to break out to a new audience and expand his following. A track listed as “Timberland Boots & Braces (It Don’t Stop Y’all)” was earmarked to appear on the Judgment Night movie soundtrack, but unfortunately was not submitted in time to meet the deadline. Stuart pondered that a possible left-wing conspiracy forced him to sleep through his alarm clock and therefore not deliver the track to the post office before it closed.

Also of note are scrawled lyrics next to a track tentatively labeled “Blue Power (Smash the Reds),” which was to have guest spots from Suge Knight, Foozball, and Scribbly G. Willikers. The track was a collaboration between Compton area Crips and the London branch of Blood & Honour to diss both the Bloods gang, as well as communism as a whole. It was never completed, however, due to G. Willikers’ untimely demise on the Yankee Cannonball ride at Canobie Lake Park.

Hollywood heartthrob and owner of the Brockton Rox baseball team, Bill Murray, was also reached for comment for some reason.

“This whole thing sounds about as nice as pie,” quipped Murray, in his trademark deadpan response. “How about this weather, huh? Seventy degrees in December? One time I saw a guy put his socks on over his sneakers. Now that’s a story to write home about. Either way, Skrewdriver is one of the best bands I have ever heard. Their live performances were pretty intense. Next to the Ducky Boys, their shows were probably the most brutal around.”

GZA, RZA, and Bill Murray, grabbing a bite to eat in a replica of Eddie's Diner.

As to the fate of this long-lost Skrewdriver album, no one is sure. If test runs show positive signs, as they presumably will, it is expected to be released on 12/12/2009, as any true fan of Ian Stuart knows of his love for ones and twos, as well as his general acceptance for nines and zeros.