Local schoolboys tossed aside as mysterious heartthrob emerges at Quincy High School

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The male students of Quincy High School took a major hit this week, as a mysterious stranger emerged, adorned in the torn jeans and open flannels of an early-nineties grunge fan, and with a stare so piercing it could sink deep into the heart of even the most androgynous girl.

Advancing through the halls at the cool speed of a turtle, reeking of Noxzema and last night’s fuck, Jordan Catalano paved way to the student registry, ready and willing to call Quincy his new home.

The arrival of Jordan Catalano, of course, did not come without protest, as many of the school’s eye-catching regulars are now complaining about what appears to be hard times to come.


Jordan Catalano, pulling his signature "I couldn't care less" move on an unsuspecting girl.

“I just can’t catch a break since this kid showed up,” grumbled Billy McPhillips, the head quarterback of the Quincy High School Presidents, who was voted “Most Attractive” in his junior year yearbook. “I used to get more ass than a proctologist until this Catalano guy came to Quincy. Now I’m getting handies in West Quincy for thirty bucks a pop. This is fucking bullshit.”

With the muscular arms of a professional athlete, built for those crowd-pleasing 30-yard touchdown passes, as well as the occasional, vigorous, late-night fingering in the backseat of his father’s Mustang, McPhillips then began banging on tables, visibly shaken by his recent decline.

“I just can’t take it anymore,” he screamed, as he darted off into the distance to settle the score. "You haven't heard the last from Billy McPhillips! You can count on that."


Billy McPhillips, obviously displeased about his new-found rival.

Flooded with patients, the nurses at the high school also complained about Catalano’s presence, claiming over half of the school’s female population have been receiving fluids through an intravenous drip, as the pure sight of Catalano alone had caused them all to lose their natural bodily fluids by way of their panties.

“These girls are all dried up,” claimed nurse Julie Bummings, an all-around wacky medical expert, last in the news after allegations of reusing postage stamps nearly caused her to resign. “This kid is just too good looking. I got girls walking around here with about as much moisture in ‘em as a salted cashew. Somebody put a fucking mask on that kid, already!”

When asked to comment about his sudden arrival, Catalano merely looked downwards and put his hands in his pockets, all while Imperial Teen’s “Yoo Hoo” played mysteriously from the school’s brand new Bose speaker system.

Billy McPhillips was found dead shortly after he was interviewed by what appeared to be a most vicious, self-inflicted punch to the face.

In compliance with his very specific Last Will and Testament, he will be buried at sea, at the exact coordinates 42.2667°N 70.9578°W, as his love for the Hough’s Neck section of Quincy was surpassed by no other.