Body of hit-and-run victim found in West Quincy by local cat with raging gambling addiction

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The body of a hit-and-run victim was found in West Quincy this morning, on Garfield Street, ironically, by local feline miscreant, Waldo-Juanchavez, who, as reports say, has a $400-per-day scratch ticket addiction.

Waldo-Juanchavez was last in the news when he was charged on several counts of domesticated abuse, after a dispute with then-girlfriend, Dawn-Carmelita, left her partially blind in one eye.

The body of the man, which, at this point, remains unidentified, was found by Waldo-Juanchavez at approximately 6:30AM, as the cat was preparing for yet another vigorous morning of non-stop, frantic gambling.

Waldo-Juanchavez was unable to comment on his findings, however, as his larynx is not nearly as developed as the average humans, making conversation with authorities a drastically tiresome effort.


Waldo-Juanchavez, contemplating what life will be like when he finally hits it big.

Flip Retrievex, a part-time 7-Eleven employee, flagged down a Quincy Police officer and alerted him of the strange scenario.

“I saw Waldo-Juanchavez lurking near the body,” said Retrievex. “He usually swings by my store first thing in the morning before heading over to Lil’ Peach in Dorchester, and then back through to some other spots in Quincy. He has a very specific routine. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him win anything this way, but you can’t break a routine once it gets going. No, sir.”

Waldo-Juanchavez, working on his third pouch of Tender Vittles cat food, remained silent during questioning, possibly due to shock from finding the dead body, but more likely due to his frustration over a measly $4 in winnings after spending $200 on “Crazy Diamonds!” Massachusetts State Lottery tickets.

As ambulances and fire trucks convened on Garfield Street, neighborhood residents were asked to provide any possible information they could.

“You gotta stick to one store and hit the same type of ticket, I tell ya!” screamed George Chopsuey. When informed that police were looking for details about a fatal hit-and-run accident, Chopsuey spun a complex web of lies and returned to his home where he promptly shut off the lights and remained silent.

No further information has been released in regards to the identity of the dead body, although it is expected that more clues will become available as soon as somebody grows a set of balls and checks his pants for an ID.