Brittany Murphy dies from “natural causes” at 32

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Brittany Murphy, best known for spitting on her hand and rubbing it on her vagina in the Eminem vehicle, 8 Mile, was found dead yesterday morning in her Los Angeles home, Quincy officials say.

The actress, who just completed writing her book of memoirs, I’ll Never Tell: A Tell-All Tale of My Life on the Big Screen, died from what coroners say appears to be “natural causes,” but was more likely to be a drug overdose.

Murphy, who had recently signed on to star in Michael Mann’s epic Quincy crime saga, is survived by her husband, her hairstylist, and hundreds of undying fans.

There is no word yet on who Mann plans on using to replace Murphy in his upcoming film, although some have speculated that absolutely anyone could do the job.

“This is a complete shock to us all,” said Val Vickson, an unlicensed boxing promoter from Montclair who was hired as the stunt coordinator on Mann’s film. “When she showed up to our last meeting, I remarked that she would look completely healthy for a 45-year-old with a raging case of diabetes.”

Murphy caught citywide attention for her role in Cherry Falls, a powerful film dealing with murder and teen angst. Quincy residents responded positively to the many party scenes and Brittany’s portrayal of a girl caught in the grip of sleazy celluloid violence. Co-star, Michael Beihn, however, received mixed reviews from critics for his role as Murphy’s father, the town sheriff. While Beihn’s performance was spot-on, as usual, a 15-minute improvised scene in which he pins his own daughter to the floor and stares sensuously into her eyes was thought to be "just too much."

While many were surprised by the somewhat unexpected death of Murphy, others were not quite as shocked. "That girl looked like a fuckin' a bag of shit," remarked Abington ironworker Tom Turkolio, last in the news after punching a moving trolley off of the tracks. "If anything in life is guaranteed, Brittany Murphy did not die of natural causes. That girl could have been an OxyContin spokeswoman. Just look at that decrepit body and the bags under her eyes. If it wasn't for those fake tits, she'd look like any other junky you see at Father Bill's Place. Every time someone famous overdoses, the media always makes it seem like it might have been natural. It's like what they did with Heath Ledger. Everyone was trying to make it seem like that dude died because he accidentally mixed the wrong medications. But, in reality, he was just a fucking pussy who couldn't handle his pills. I know kids from Bingtown who could take down twice what he had and still claim it was a boring night."


The aftermath of Turkolio's trolley incident, for which he is still awaiting sentencing.

A candlelight vigil at the Newport Avenue Wendy’s was planned for tonight, as many who rented her direct-to-video films had made a habit of stocking up on "Biggie Sized" Triple with Chese Combos from there. Mrs. Murphy herself was also invited to attend before organizers realized their colossal mistake.

While her death remains quite hard for family, friends, and a scattering of Quincy kids to deal with, others remain hopeful that her memory will live on.

“You have to admit, she was lookin’ pretty bangin' in that flick,” reminisced Michael Beihn. “I don’t care if I was supposed to be her father in that, I still tried to work it out with her. Damn shame, it might have gone down in Cherry Falls 2.”

Beihn then casually lit up two unfiltered cigarettes before staring out an open window and cryptically adding, “Yeah, lotta things going on nowadays. But then again, there always is, isn’t there?”