The Quincy Scallion: Local douchebag in hot seat again as past indiscretions revealed to unsuspecting fiancé

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Local douchebag in hot seat again as past indiscretions revealed to unsuspecting fiancé

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Tony Montego, a West Quincy native from Town Hill Street, found himself in the hot seat again yesterday evening, as an old amateur sex tape from his college days was discovered by his fiancé.

According to downstairs neighbors who listened to the ensuing argument, the tape was discovered when Montego accidentally attempted to play a taped-over VHS copy of Fast Times at Ridgemont High, the compelling teen drama, which featured Judge Reinhold as Brad Hamilton, the lovable owner of a 1960 Buick LeSabre.

Montego is best known in Quincy for inventing the "Brew-Her-Corn-Her," the controversial sex move, which involves pouring a pot of scalding hot coffee on a girl's face while you fuck her with an ear of corn on Brewer's Corner.

The sex tape, which consisted of Montego receiving oral sex from three underaged partygoers, was said to have instantly driven his unsuspecting fiancé to the point of madness, causing her to call off the wedding until further notice.

Montego's fiancé asked that her name not be mentioned in this article, however, popular demand has persuaded Scallion reporters to admit that it is none other than Shirley Shupapo, the fun-loving "girl next door" type from the Coffee Break Café on Old Colony Avenue in Wollaston.

"This doesn't surprise me one bit," claimed Moranzo Llamas, a well-known day laborer from West Quincy, last in the news after getting wicked high and "acting the fool" at an otherwise peaceful social engagement. "Tony Montego is a filthy dude. I worked the docks with him back in the day and he used to do these disgusting tongue gestures to every girl that walked by. It didn't matter if they were fat, skinny, or somewhere in between. If a girl walked by, Tony was all over her, every fucking time. And they always went for him, too. I don't know what women see in that kid, but there's gotta be something. Fucking piece of shit. Must be nice to pour a pot of coffee on a girl's face while you fuck her with a fistful of corn. Must be nice."

Montego was unavailable for comment on this story, claiming to be detained by a previous chiropractor engagement, as the lack of cushioning in the arms of his Ikea sofa had quickly become too much for his body to bear.

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by Mike McCuddy

Quincy Police were called to intervene regarding a domestic disturbance incident on Safford Street yesterday, stemming from a routine plumbing incident gone awry. Dumpling Wong, a local man-of-soy, known throughout the community for knocking over invalids and children on the Red Line, called 9-1-1 on Monday afternoon to report unruly behavior on behalf of Emerald Isle Plumbing and Sheetrocking, a plumbing outfit from the Vietnamese-smelling part of Savin Hill. The incident began after Wong clogged his toilet that morning with an unusually large defecation, resulting from a previous night’s order of fried Basset Hound, smothered in MSG, from Mr. Chan’s in Milton. Based on a recommendation from a drunken neighbor, Wong called Emerald Isle Plumbing, which promised same day service. Showing up three hours late, the plumbers ignored Wong’s request to remove their shoes at the door, instead dragging mud onto the carpet and dropping scone crumbs throughout the house. “This place smells like fucking shit,” announced supervisor Pabst McMurphy, a man who once set a 3-state record in 2006 for saying the word “cocksucker” an estimated 2,453 times during happy hour at Darcy’s Pub. After surveying the clogged toilet for less than five seconds, the plumbers mumbled about needing a “Johnson Rod” at the shop, but continued to loiter at the Wong residence. Apprentice Cork Sullivan, a Shepard’s pie with a green card made out of Irish Spring soap shavings, proceeded to fire up Nintendo Wii, and soon bottles of Tsing Tao beer began disappearing from Wong’s refrigerator. Wong finally called the police after a Mr. Sub delivery man arrived at the door while the crowd had erupted into singing. Police are expect to revoke the company’s Local 12 Plumbing charter, where they will then discover that none of the men are licensed to plumb, or even be in the United States.

Quincy Police have released a statement claiming they have shut down the Andre’s Market convenience store in Wollaston. This act will also be coupled by stripping sole proprietor, Andre Squanto, of his vendor’s license, for selling expired inventory. Andre, a 58-year-old homosexual Indian, who inexplicably wears cowboy hats, was known as a minor Quincy celebrity for his frequent disgusting sexual rendezvous behind the Village Auto School, as well as his memorable stint as Danny on the mid-nineties Nickelodeon program, Hey Dude. Police were notified of the suspicious inventory based on numerous customer complaints, including local chimney duster, Flem Borsiquot, who stated, “I walk in here every day to play the numbers and see some crazy shit. Massasoit behind the counter is selling Pub Fries from what looks like the Reagan Administration, and he’s sellin’ Heralds with Mo Vaughn on the cover. This fuck even has a BayBank ATM in the corner.” Other inventory, such as 25 cent juice boxes with no label on them, Crystal Clear Pepsi, and Mass Millions lottery tickets have been dismissed as “fucking ridiculous.” Longtime customer, Quack McTavish, claims, “I think most people were willing to ignore the dusty ice cream cooler that looked like a portal to Hell, and the leather jacket on the wall that may, or may not, have been for sale, as long as that Andre guy didn’t talk to, or even look at, one of our sons.” Police say the vacant property is expected to be sold to Mung Realty, where a nail salon, bottle/can depository, or shitty bakery is expected to crush the soul out of the neighboring community.

Dorchester Copperpot, a hickory smoked, fall-off-the-bone pork rib from Merrymount, was detained by Quincy Police on Monday and committed to the McLean Mental Health Facilities after inciting a riot during a monthly Quincy City Council meeting at City Hall. Copperpot, an 84-year-old homeless maniac, credited with being the first person to buy a compact disc at Quincy Records & Tapes in 1989, was rescued by police after being attacked by an unruly mob for a series of blasphemous comments. The Quincy City Council was called together for an emergency meeting on Monday to discuss suggestions for renovating the notoriously underfunded Quincy Center, which yielded solutions such as attracting more discount shoe stores, Greek pizza shops, and the construction of a methadone clinic inside the Quincy Center MBTA bus terminal. Council President Lo Hong Duck blurted out “fuck this shit," before excusing himself to murder his newborn daughter. The meeting began winding down around 8:15pm, when the front door flew open and Copperpot ambled in, wearing two different shoes and Army fatigues from the Korean War. Copperpot quickly seized the podium and began reciting a recipe for split pea soup before making a myriad of baseless, inflammatory accusations ranging from former Mayor James Sheets being a bullfighter in Spain, to a mysterious bridge on Nut Island being an elusive second road into Squantum. “Lets kick the shit out of this crazy fucker!” shouted City Comptroller Evan Marmaduke, who led an all-out assault on Copperpot until police were called to remove him from the premises. Police expect Copperpot to be sentenced to six months in McLean Hospital, wherein he is then expected to be released back into the dumpster behind Shamrock Variety on Beale Street.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Local douchebag in hot seat again as past indiscretions revealed to unsuspecting fiancé

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Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards

by Mike McCuddy

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