Bitter cold causes many local residents to stay home, even homeless

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Bitter cold has driven away almost all residents and shoppers in the center of Quincy, even those in the beloved homeless community, causing many people in the area to stay at home, even if they don’t happen to have one.

Quincy’s homeless population, last in the news after getting caught having sex in the small parking lot next to Fratelli’s Bakery on Broad Street, has long since been the subject of public praise and overall acceptance.

But as temperatures drop and winter makes its presence known, where do these lovable vagrants go?

Even the Thomas Crane Public Library, which has been a constant breeding ground for loitering, panhandling, and public masturbation, suffered a major blow yesterday, as the front yard was seen without a single homeless person for the first time since the Great Blizzard of 1978.

“It was cold as fuck out there yesterday,” complained Mark Doherty, a Dorchester drifter who frequently lingers near the bus stops out front. “I couldn’t even jerk off on the lawn because of the cold, piercing winds. They were so fierce, and so brutal, that I was unable to achieve an erection. I had to resort to just whipping it out and slapping it around like it was the lead guitarist of Fall Out Boy. And eventually, I just gave up. It’s days like this that make me really wish I had a home.”


Mark Doherty, loitering on a concert stage in the hopes of receiving a free meal.

Wanted on charges of performing lewd acts in public and indecent exposure, Mark Doherty then disappeared into the misty horizon, where he still remains at large. Authorities believe he may be hiding out somewhere deep in the bowels in Weymouth, as they currently have no extradition treaty with Quincy.

“I don’t know what it is about this crazy weather,” said Matty Southside, a South Quincy man who gets almost all of his pick-up lines from episodes of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. “Homeless people don’t really seem to like it too much. Sucks for them, because they really don’t have any other option. Aside from maybe getting a job and putting their life back on track, that is, but that’s no fun. I wonder where they all go, though. Maybe they go to Olindy’s, who knows? You kinda miss those silly little bastards once they’re gone, though. Whether they’re kicking around a hacky sack or just hacking up a lung on the side of the road, they’re a staple in this community. And you can never take that away from them. You can take away their homes, their money, and their ability to keep warm throughout the day---you can even take away their shoes, if catch ‘em when they’re sleeping---but you can never take away their respect. Not in this fucking town!”