Merrymount parents lash out against Mayor Koch using homemade signs with Microsoft clip art

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Merrymount

Merrymount area parents are lashing out against the mayor in the wake of publicly announced budget cuts that may result in the loss of their school bus route.

The bus route, which operates throughout the neighborhood on weekday mornings and afternoons, takes students to and from Merrymount Elementary School, which is tucked away in a near-hidden location on Agawam Road.

As of this September, the bus route may be eliminated indefinitely.

"How do you take a bus route away from a kid that age?" asked Lufa Rigno, the neighbor of a concerned parent from Greenleaf Street. "I understand that budget cuts are making it hard to make ends meet, but you can't take away buses. Without school bus routes, we are nothing more than filthy pieces of shit."

Rigno was last in the news back in 1969, after he and a fellow business associate invented the Adidas shell toe, which remains a popular footwear even today.


Lufa Rigno (right) and his business partner, holding the very first Adidas shell toe.

But while the concerned residents of Merrymount disagree with the elimination of the bus route, those who are in control of the cookie jar say it is unavoidable.

"We just can't afford to keep the route operational," Mayor Koch said. "These kids are gonna have face reality and start walking to school. They're just gonna have to suck it up. The everyday luxuries of modern living are a thing of the past, and there's no way I'm going down in this sinking ship alone. I'm taking everyone with me, kids included. A little exercise never hurt anybody."

It was later revealed that Mayor Koch once blew a hamstring while pitching underhand during the annual City Hall vs. Napoli's Pizza softball game.

For more information on Quincy's school budget, spit in your child's face.

Mayor Koch proposes over $40 billion budget cuts

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Mayor Thomas Koch's face

Mayor Thomas Koch has proposed over $40 billion in budget cuts for next year, which would be more than enough to put the city back in the green.

The only problem is, Quincy doesn't have anywhere near that budget.

In fact, the budget for July 1st, 2009 to June 30th, 2010 was just over $226 million, leaving quite an unexplainable gap between what the mayor is proposing and what he can actually deliver. But it's politics as usual in the City of Presidents.

From budget cuts to layoffs, it seems there's no good news for Quincy Public Schools. And it appears it may be getting a whole lot worse before it gets better.

But with a man like Tommy Taxes in charge, there's no need to fear. And as long as there's still jobs and supplies, there will always be something to remove, especially if it's something unnecessary, like deans or librarians. Who needs librarians when we can just look everything up on Google?

"We're facing a financial crisis," Koch told reporters. "What I'm suggesting is that we just chisel away at the outer edges until it all works out."

But what if one of the students decides they want to learn how to read?

"Reading is an excellent way to gather information," Koch admitted. "But it's no longer a top priority. With the amount of texting these kids do, it's hard to imagine anybody needing a librarian. We need to remove whatever we can to stay afloat. We're just gonna pluck a little off the top and see what happens from there. This seems bad on the surface, but it will all unravel quite smoothly in the post-production."

It is uncertain at this time whether the mayor thinks he is filming a movie.

"If Mayor Koch gets his way, the entire school department will be eradicated," one resident said. "He thinks it's a game. He's running this city like it was a fucking lemonade stand. Somebody needs to do something before it's too late."

For more information on where Koch is taking us, move to Bridgewater.

Mysterious car wreck appears at front steps of local high school, "happens every year," kids say

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the cell phone in Quincy Center

A mysterious car wreck has appeared at the front steps of Quincy High School again, causing many residents to slow down and look at it while passing.

But what may seem like an isolated event has apparently been an ongoing problem at the school, reportedly happening every year around prom time.

But how does the car get there? And where does it come from?

The answers to these questions may never be known, as it appears even the school's administration is baffled by this seemingly annual occurrence.

"Beats me," said Principal Jaswald Suppertime. "It's definitely not my car."

While a banner on the side of the vehicle declares that it was donated by Schlager's Towing, of West Quincy, some believe that this is nothing more than a clever trick, designed to deflect inquiring minds from discovering the car's true mysterious origin.

Local gas station to auction off historic camper

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Merrymount

Bearde's Gulf station on Route 3A has agreed to auction off a historic camper to raise funds for Quincy High's new Gonorrhea Awareness program.

Owner and proprietor Jim Bearde, a longtime advocate for STD awareness, is also said to be a known carrier of the bacterial infection.

The Chevrolet G-Series camper, which has been owned by various locals since the late-1970s, has a long history in the Granite City, and is said to be worth over a thousand dollars. This estimate, however, while confirmed by amateur auto appraisers, has been disputed by those who are certified in the field.

"This is a great opportunity," Bearde said. "This van has so much history."

Just last year, Andre, the former owner of Andre's Market in Wollaston, received a full blood transfusion in the back of the van, in an attempt to rid him of AIDS.

In 2003, the infamous "Case of the Adams Shore Virgin" was brought to a close, as James "Slinka" Benuto deflowered Quincy High School cheerleader Cheryl Shawmack. Footage from this escapade was shortly after uploaded to Benuto's home computer, where it was then played constantly on YouTube and MySpace until Shawmack's suicide a month later.

In 1998, a Wollaston girl was fingered in the van by the bassist of Papa Roach.

In 1993, a Germantown father of three was arrested for using the van to manufacture methamphetamine, which, at the time, was known by the name "ice."

And in 1981, lifelong Quincy resident Jeff Brophy was born in the back of the van, after his mother refused to pay the emergency room deductible required by her Blue Cross Blue Shield plan. Jeff Brophy would later go on to drastically lose a 2009 Quincy mayoral campaign to incumbent Mayor Thomas Koch.


Jeff Brophy, celebrating Christmas of 2007 in a near-blackout.

"This auction is going to change the face of everything," Bearde optimistically added. "I'm expecting a really high turnout for this one. It's such an amazing van, with such a rich history to it. And it's for a really great cause, too. Kids these days need to be aware of gonorrhea. It's real and it's all around us. Trust me."

The auction will be held on Saturday afternoon in the basement level of the former Quincy Records & Tapes, where the starting price will be $1,200, although experts have predicted that the van may sell for as high as $1,500.

For tickets to this auction, please call Jim Bearde at 617-472-9161.

Quincy man stabbed by two assholes on Hollis Ave.

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Quincy man was stabbed by two young men as he walked home after midnight from the North Quincy MBTA train station, police are reporting.

At this time, the man's name has not been released, although demographic experts believe he is most likely of Irish or Asian descent.

As reported by more reliable news sources, the man attempted to fight the two culprits off, and was stabbed in the abdomen. The pair then fled towards Hancock Street in the direction of Boston.

Both men were reported to have been wearing Adidas shell toes.

Police responded to the call at approximately 12:30am, to find an unexpectedly bright crime scene, possibly due to the illumination of the Aurora Northquincyalis.

"We found a knife with a three-inch blade on the ground," said Officer Nico Haylen, who made no attempt to hide the fact that he was also wearing Adidas shell toes. "It was covered with blood. But, like I said, it was pretty small. If the perps had a little better taste in knives, the victim would probably be dead right now."

The stabbing took place on the very same street Atlantic Middle School is on, although authorities do not believe this has anything to do with the crime.

In regards to the recent rise in violence in the North Quincy area, reporters reached out to Body Xtremes owner and everyday normal guy, Mik Miller.

Body Xtremes owner Mik Miller, a completely average man-about-town.

"I have no idea why North Quincy is becoming so violent," Miller reported, as he plunged a 14 gauge piercing needle through the nipple of some trashbag whore.

Quincy Police have asked that anyone with information on this recent stabbing please call the detective bureau at 617-745-5764.

For more information on Mik Miller's face, take an entire sheet of acid.

North Quincy residents attempt to overcome embarrassingly low 3-per-year murder rate

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A young man was arrested just a few blocks away from a shooting outside North Quincy High School today, causing a general sense of panic to fill the streets.

The shooting took place around 3:30PM on Hunt Street, just outside the entrance to the North Quincy High School gymnasium.

It is an area of Quincy that has seen far too much action over the past couple weeks, as an unknown culprit had spray painted the words "Stay Free" on the outside wall of Kim Market just two weekends ago.

According to Quincy Police Chief John Kennan, the victim was a 16-year-old male.

As reported, the victim was shot in the leg and taken by ambulance to Boston Medical Center, where it is expected that he will receive a robotically operated transplant, built to withstand almost anything, including a nuclear holocaust.

Loose-lipped witnesses stated that they saw a man run into a house a few blocks away from the shooting, where Quincy Police eventually apprehended a suspect who had been hiding in a basement, most likely pretending to be a human furnace.

The suspected gunman was then loaded into a police car like a sack of potatoes and taken in for questioning, where we can most likely assume that he started singing like Lady Gaga at the fucking Grammy Awards.

The identity of the person arrested was not immediately known.

The suspected shooter, wondering if he's going to end up in South Bay or Dedham.

"It's a fucking war zone out there," claimed Jethro Crull, a former employee of the North Quincy Hess gas station. "That kid is lucky he only got shot in the leg. So much better than the face. First, there's kids spray painting on Hunt Street. After that, we have a shooting. What's next, a Bad Luck 13 Riot Extravaganza reunion? This city is brewing with hatred right now, and I don't wanna be here when it erupts. You heard it here first. This city is ready to fucking explode!"

Quincy girls in danger of earning reputation as whores, recent study shows

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A recent study conducted by a seemingly random duo shows that, as a whole, Quincy girls are in danger of earning a bad reputation, some of them even being considered bigger whores than Weymouth girls.

The study, which was conducted during an extended lunch break at Coop's, was performed by diabetic Quincy cop, Nico Haylen, as well as the legendary Kenny Fantastaberg, who is one of the leading tattoo artists in Bridgewater.

"Quincy girls are at a point where, if they don't do something about it now, their reputation could be marred forever," said Fantastaberg, as he applied the finishing touches on a unique piece of tribal art. "People don't care what these girls think. Nobody wants to hear what they have to say. They're not looking for any form of creativity or individual thought. They just wanna lick 'em and stick 'em. Before I was one of the leading tattoo artists in Bridgewater, I used to flip Quincy girls on the regular. I'd pick one out, give her a little makeover, and toss her right back into rotation. It was a hobby of mine. And it was easy. All you had to do was toss on a pair of shell toes, give her some Contempo bell-bottoms, an oversized Gap hoodie, get her nails done, spray a fuckin' tan on, and throw her hair in a bun. After that, she was ready to go. 'Easier than making a baby cry.' That's what I always say."

Aside from Fantastaberg's personal opinion, no further data from the study was able to be recovered, as Officer Nico Haylen reportedly devoured all notes taken during what spectators described as a "twisted, in-fucking-sane, diabetic rage."

As seen in the Google search below, however, Fantastaberg's opinion is shared by many, even the World Wide Web.


A Google search for "Quincy girls," which automatically suggest a search for "whores."

"I don't really think a study is needed, to be honest," Fantastaberg added. "But if Mayor Koch wants to pay me $60,000 to tell him something he should already know, that's fine with me. But anybody who needs to be told that Quincy girls are a bunch of bummin' messes is probably a little soft in the head. I mean, take a fuckin' look around. I was in Quincy the other day, and I saw four high school girls wearing Ugg boots and mini-skirts. Seriously, four fucking girls. Are you cold, or are you not cold? Pick a fucking temperature and roll with it, ya fuckin' whorebags."

Mayor Koch vows to start buying pizza from local businesses throughout second term

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of The Patriot Ledger

Mayor Thomas Koch was put in the spotlight yesterday evening at North Quincy High School, as he was asked by high ranking officials of the Quincy-based Tomato and Cheese Union to begin purchasing pizzas from local businesses, as opposed to repeatedly ordering from Papa Gino's, the restaurant chain based in Dedham.

Head of the Tomato and Cheese Union, Michael Thincrust, organized the event, where Mayor Koch swore under oath that he would no longer purchase from the non-union pizza delivery chain.

Since Mayor Koch's election in November of 2007, Papa Gino's has seen massive growth, opening up five new locations throughout New England, and reporting record gains in all eight quarters.

Mayor Koch, as well, reported massive growth and record gains, putting on no less than seventy-five pounds over his first term alone.

Excusing himself immediately after his sworn testimony, Mayor Koch then rushed to the bathroom, as the impending doom of explosive diarrhea began to wreak havoc on his already beaten down intestines.

Eyewitnesses in the bathroom all confirmed that the shriveled, pockmarked ass cheeks they bore witness to were as repulsive as Kim Cattrall, the aging, washed-up, Crypt Keeper-like whore from HBO's Sex and the City.

Mayor Koch, asking to be excused before explosive diarrhea farts nearly ended his career.

After a most unsavory trip to the men's room, Mayor Koch returned, hungry for Papa Gino's delicious blend of bread, meat, sauce, cheeses, and Italian spices.

"I stand before you a new man," the mayor spoke. "To rule a city is one thing, but to sacrifice everything you love for that city is another thing entirely. And that is what I have sworn to you today. I shall no longer fund the chain of Papa Gino's, who cares not of the well-being of Quincy. From this day forth, I shall only use local businesses, such as Tony's, Super Chef, Napoli's, Buccini's Mister Sub, Nick's, and the other Nick's that opened up a couple years ago on Route 3A, who apparently did not care that there was already a Nick's Pizza in Quincy. I would like to apologize to the Tomato and Cheese Union, and, more importantly, I would like to invite you all up to the stage in a moment, where we shall enjoy fresh, hot slices of Papa Gino's meatlover's pizza. It is a personal favorite of mine. And there's no way I can quit."

There is still no word on whether, or not, the mayor was serious about his last comment, as a maroon velvet curtain drew down before him immediately after his speech, blocking him from the view of all those in attendance.

Those in the audience who dared to attempt entry to the backroom of the stage found all doors to be locked, but all stated that the sounds of perpetual chewing were quite noticeable, even through the thick layers of polished oak.

All North Quincy High School students have been instructed to stay clear of the men's room closest to the auditorium. Repairs to this bathroom will be made courtesy of Chenette Plumbing and Heating, the Quincy Point plumbing powerhouse, who have provided quality service to this city since 1973.

Local schoolboys tossed aside as mysterious heartthrob emerges at Quincy High School

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The male students of Quincy High School took a major hit this week, as a mysterious stranger emerged, adorned in the torn jeans and open flannels of an early-nineties grunge fan, and with a stare so piercing it could sink deep into the heart of even the most androgynous girl.

Advancing through the halls at the cool speed of a turtle, reeking of Noxzema and last night’s fuck, Jordan Catalano paved way to the student registry, ready and willing to call Quincy his new home.

The arrival of Jordan Catalano, of course, did not come without protest, as many of the school’s eye-catching regulars are now complaining about what appears to be hard times to come.


Jordan Catalano, pulling his signature "I couldn't care less" move on an unsuspecting girl.

“I just can’t catch a break since this kid showed up,” grumbled Billy McPhillips, the head quarterback of the Quincy High School Presidents, who was voted “Most Attractive” in his junior year yearbook. “I used to get more ass than a proctologist until this Catalano guy came to Quincy. Now I’m getting handies in West Quincy for thirty bucks a pop. This is fucking bullshit.”

With the muscular arms of a professional athlete, built for those crowd-pleasing 30-yard touchdown passes, as well as the occasional, vigorous, late-night fingering in the backseat of his father’s Mustang, McPhillips then began banging on tables, visibly shaken by his recent decline.

“I just can’t take it anymore,” he screamed, as he darted off into the distance to settle the score. "You haven't heard the last from Billy McPhillips! You can count on that."


Billy McPhillips, obviously displeased about his new-found rival.

Flooded with patients, the nurses at the high school also complained about Catalano’s presence, claiming over half of the school’s female population have been receiving fluids through an intravenous drip, as the pure sight of Catalano alone had caused them all to lose their natural bodily fluids by way of their panties.

“These girls are all dried up,” claimed nurse Julie Bummings, an all-around wacky medical expert, last in the news after allegations of reusing postage stamps nearly caused her to resign. “This kid is just too good looking. I got girls walking around here with about as much moisture in ‘em as a salted cashew. Somebody put a fucking mask on that kid, already!”

When asked to comment about his sudden arrival, Catalano merely looked downwards and put his hands in his pockets, all while Imperial Teen’s “Yoo Hoo” played mysteriously from the school’s brand new Bose speaker system.

Billy McPhillips was found dead shortly after he was interviewed by what appeared to be a most vicious, self-inflicted punch to the face.

In compliance with his very specific Last Will and Testament, he will be buried at sea, at the exact coordinates 42.2667°N 70.9578°W, as his love for the Hough’s Neck section of Quincy was surpassed by no other.

Eastern Nazarene College faces intense scrutiny in wake of aggressive marketing campaign and allegations of suspicious activities

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Eastern Nazarene College is under investigation today after multiple complaints of nepotism, discrimination, and faulty business practices have been made by both concerned citizens of the neighborhood and Quincy College.

Opening its doors in 1900, using the former summer home of Josiah Quincy Jr. as its main residential campus, the liberal arts college has long since been the subject of outside critique and suspicion.

Complaints were filed with the Better Business Bureau of Quincy yesterday morning by lawyers representing dozens of residents of the city. Charges against the college thus far include mass harassment, blackmail, racketeering, intimidation, tax evasion, illegal usurping of property, and one count of “loitering” filed by a man who claimed the college itself has not moved from its ominous place of rest in years. That charge was subsequently thrown out by a judge only moments after it was presented.

The names of those filing against the college have been withheld at the request of their legal counsel, as the school is currently facing one thousand counts of alleged witness intimidation.

The bright facade of Eastern Nazarene, long held as a beacon of learned Christian scholars dabbling freely in the world of reason, has seen cracks emerge in recent times. The aggressive marketing campaign for the fall 2009 classes, which has included door-to-door pamphletting at gunpoint, flaming Bunsen burners tied to crosses and placed on lawns to advertise the science department, and dropping upcoming class schedules from zeppelins circumnavigating the city, has raised concern and led some to refer to the college as the “Nazzi Regime."

The school’s headquarters, located in the depths of Wollaston, has also often been referred to as the “Eastern Front.”

"People need to realize that Eastern Nazarene College is the way to go," casually remarked Dr. Collosus Von Wolfenstein 3D, the college’s self-proclaimed "Minister of Propaganda."

Sipping blood-colored liquor wistfully from a human skull, Von Wolfenstein 3D went on. “All this talk of harassment and violence towards our opposition is really just idle chatter from those who probably scored too low on their MCAS tests, or whose facial features, which we measured, did not add up to an ideal student’s dimensions, leaving them unable to qualify for the supreme learning experience that our school offers. It’s all just jealously, and those who look past the smoke and mirrors of these outrageous lies will see that our fall 2009 schedule is absolutely our best yet.”

"Our science department is working towards a new energy source that will make the hydrogen bomb look like a child’s toy,” Von Wolfenstein 3D added. “Our culinary arts department is constructing a barbecue sauce more bowel-shaking than the highest caliber anthrax available in West Quincy. And, I might add, our ‘Germ Warfare and Go-Green!’ recycling program is coming along very nicely. Very nicely indeed.”

The minister then ended his rebuttal to the allegations by fiendishly cackling for ten solid minutes before adding that “further questions will be answered later. A new episode of Two and a Half Men is on, and I must retreat to my underground lair, where a fifty-inch, high-definition, 1080p flat-screen television is awaiting me.”

One of the most awkward accusations against the school is their alleged ban on all beverages containing juice.

Students protesting juice in the lesser-known financial district of the ENC campus.

"We don’t see the need to allow juice on the premises," remarked Ada F. Hilter. Eastern Nazarene’s Führer of Decision-Making and author of The Life and Times of an S.S. Leader: An In-Depth Look at Being Employed in the South Shore. “We are a private school, therefore all those who are under our control are subject to our final judgment. It is the strong opinion of the leadership and alumni of this school that we must prohibit all juice from entering the building. The Nazzis have fought too hard, and have gone too far, to allow the juice to infect the minds of the superior and the elite. The inferior makings of today’s juice is not something our students need to be bothered with, as our students are designed to be the purest of the pure."

Protests against the school’s policies have begun to erupt at all times while classes are being held, most frequently in the vicinity of the Concentration Campus, an area where students and faculty are allowed to relax and study in total fucking silence.

While the college remains privately owned, and thus retains its ability to govern itself, Quincy’s educational guidelines must still be met.

Chief Constable Marlboro Churchslope, a thirty-year veteran of the city’s Board of Education, recently crippled by a self-induced “ninety-day bar-hopping bender,” has repeatedly asked that sterner action be taken against Eastern Nazarene.

"By God, they are at it again," grumbled Churchslope. “I have reason to believe that Eastern Nazarene College is about to renege on their signed promise from 1997 to not invade Quincy College’s campus and put up flyers for their upcoming fall courses. They have rented out thousands of square feet of space from Granite Self-Storage in Wollaston, which was revealed to contain sixty armored golf carts packed to the brim with promotional posters for the MBTA. By land, air, sea, and train station, they have plans to ‘blitz-werbung,’ or ‘lightning-advertise’ all over Quincy College’s domain. They have little-to-no intent of avoiding using the most obnoxious looking people on their posters, either. I mean, seriously, there is no way in hell those clowns on the ads are actually from Quincy. No way, buddy.”

Churchslope, between inhuman gulps of bathtub gin and long bouts of creepily leering at women on the street, went on to suspect the school of other immoral behavior. “They say there is an unmarked grave behind the gymnasium. There they say rests at least six million charred remains of Quincy College pamphlets that were stolen out of the people of this city’s mailboxes. These people will stop at nothing. These goddamn Nazzi bastards just won't quit.”

“They killed my family!” screamed Radish Weirdbusky, who later went on to clarify that his family had been sent a “pre-rejection” letter from the school for not being able to trace their bloodlines back at least five generations to Quincy residents. “Without a higher education like the one Eastern Nazarene offers, my children will be forced to attend classes at Quincy College, and there is a very dangerous intersection at Newport Avenue there that will most likely kill them---uhhh---eventually. I probably should have made that clearer when I yelled out at you.”

Using a megaphone to address a crowd of perfectly aligned freshman standing in the formation of a majestic eagle on the front campus lawn, Maximillian “2 Kool 4 Skool” Thule, the recently appointed head of the Third Psych department, which the college is hoping will last for at least “a thousand semesters,” directed a speech intended to calm any nerves rattled by recent events.

“Eastern Nazarene College, like Lucifer himself, is simply the victim of a heartless smear campaign,” Thule said. “We both want to shed light and knowledge, and we both suffer from our desire to branch out on our own. Is it our fault we offer biology classes where the students are allowed to dissect animals without the restrictions of anesthesia? Is it our fault that we show repeated viewings of the movie Highlander to teach the proper way to behead immortals? And I ask you this, kind people: is it our fault that we have made a pact with the Japanese and Italian restaurants of North Quincy in order to secure fine dining for our cafeteria? No, it is not our fault. It is all because of the J.E.W. That’s right, the jealous, envious workers of Quincy College, who will stop at nothing to ensure that we do not succeed. But we shall succeed. Eastern Nazarene will dominate the world…of higher education.”

Eastern Nazarene student, Karl Blondenblüe, preparing himself for his morning classes.

No further information could be obtained on the subject, as three students were removed from the speech, as they were caught singing “Der Neue Kampf,” the popular German version of the little-known KILL$QUAD song. As per policy, the students were immediately taken out into the hall and verbally reprimanded for approximately one hour, making it one of the largest scale “hall accosts” the college has dished out since the time Eva Bronsky fell asleep on her nightly watch, allowing several Quincy College students to storm the beaches of Wollaston and claim Caddy Park as their own.

Illegal basement show at North Quincy High's Black Box Theatre results in midnight madness

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web and Dora Lalaney

Aftershocks are being felt throughout Quincy this morning as an illegal basement show took place last night at the famed Black Box Theatre in North Quincy High School, resulting in massive confusion for all involved.

The famous theatre, used by drama students of the high school to stage plays such as “Death of a Salesman,” “A Comedy of Errors,” and “Howard the Duck,” was hijacked late last night by underground entertainment promoters with the intent to hold a punk rock concert and gambling circuit.

While charges have not yet officially been brought forth against anyone, numerous people have been taken in for questioning. Among the parties of interest are Joseph Hawk, 28, a vaguely white truck driver from New Bedford, a Hollywood Video clerk from the Montclair branch known only as “Smiley,” and Matt Duffman, a 29-year-old slickster from Brockton. Duffman was last wanted by police for his involvement in an infamous counterfeit t-shirt operation that was busted at the Showcase Cinemas in Randolph on opening night of Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring for selling crudely made “I Survived Gandalf at Randolph” shirts.

Among the famous attendees at the illegal concert were Dave Smalley of DYS, “Gorgeous” George Camaro of Shot Dead, and Jack “Choke” Kelly of Slapshot, who provided haircuts for a fair price to all those who needed them, all while ridiculing them for their shortcomings and vices.

“That Choke guy was a little rough around the edges,” said Tom Slack, a philosophy major who currently resides in the basement of his mother’s Adams Shore bungalow. “He made fun of my shoes, called me names, started picking apart my political beliefs, it was horrible. To be honest, I didn’t really need that shit---but I did need a haircut---so it all evened out in the end.”

Speculation still abounds as to how the organizers of the event and showgoers gained access to the Black Box, but many theories point to Erving Fritz, the overnight security guard who was working at the time. Fritz, a 45-year-old former member of the Quincy Police Department, and current Guinness Book of World Records holder for most consecutive hours asleep on the job (29 hours), has long been known as the weakest link in the city’s night watchmen community.

“I thought they were all taking some midnight class here,” feebly replied Fritz, who had visible sleep creases on his cheeks, coupled with bags under both eyes, and a case of bed-head that was deemed to be at a “Level 5.”

“They seemed kinda old to be high school kids,” Fritz added. “Especially that Choke asshole who put my hand in a cup of warm water when I was resting my eyes, but I’m not getting paid to harass old looking kids, so I just let ‘em all in. What was I supposed to do, tell them they couldn't come in?"

Police officers noted suspicious behavior in the area while ordering from the 24-hour McDonald’s drive-thru located directly across the street from the high school. Upon spotting known bartender extraordinaire, Bernie “Taxzee Driver” Allen, conversing outside of a propped open door with known alcohol consumer, Jarrod Shanastyhan, the officers abstained from a second helping of McShakes and moved in for further examination.

“Allen is definitely not a high school student," explained Officer Bruce Old. "I don’t care what time of day or night it is. Plus, he has a habit of writing in ridiculous tips to himself when people get hammered at Shooters, so we needed to have a few words with him. And that Shanastyhan character just had a look about him…a look I do not care for at all. He was wearing jean shorts, cut off at an obscene height and a t-shirt that just said ‘Czech Me Out!’ What a maggot. I knew right then and there that this world just had no decent people in it anymore.”

But more trouble was on the horizon, as authorities uncovered what appeared to be a “make out club” going on in the mysterious sixth hallway, the infamous hallway in North Quincy High School that was brought to the attention of many media sources after local band, Outburst, recorded the demo-track-turned-internet-phenomenon, “New York Surprise.”


The door to the mysterious sixth hallway at North Quincy High School,

”It was fucking disgusting,” claimed Officer Nico Haylen, Quincy's favorite diabetic cop, recently put in charge of the one-man task force set forth for the purpose of tracking down the elusive Great One Killer. “I’m not exactly sure what the O’Jays were proposing in their hit song, ‘Love Train,’ but it would probably look a little like what I saw in that hallway. And I'm not one for public displays of affection---trust me---there's just something about 'em that irks me. I'm not sure if anybody's ever seen two punk rock kids making out, or not, but it's a little bit weird. It's basically like watching a homeless couple make out. There's really no difference.”

Sources present at the gathering claim that the police’s heavy-handed presence did little to deter the concert. While many of the people there attempted to keep a somewhat low profile in order to postpone the event being shutdown by cops, others where not so calm.

Joe O’Connell, a history-loving graduate of North Quincy High with a devil-may-care demeanor, was spotted by a police helicopter “firing hot clam chowder” down from the roof onto people milling around on Hancock Street below. O’Connell vanished in a cloud of smoke when officers tried apprehending him.

Springa, former vocalist for renowned Boston hardcore band, SSD, was arrested in the high school’s front parking lot after being repeatedly mistaken for both Beetlejuice and Bobcat Goldthwait, and refusing to sign autographs.

Former KGB operative and recent KFC customer, YoYo Stah of the Merrymount section of Quincy, was issued repeated warnings to stop revving a motorcycle loudly on the inside 2nd floor bridge of the school. Stah later acquiesced and promised to "keep it under twenty miles-per-hour,” as neighbors were trying to sleep. He was also issued a citation for dragging the body of a dead horse around inside a school zone.

While first reports estimated attendance at the illegal concert to be in the hundreds, it was later revealed that much of the city's population had attended at one point, or another, during the night. This is rumored to have been the cause of much anger and resentment from Mayor Koch’s office as the mayor and his top aide were visibly upset for not having been invited at all.

Author's Note: The Quincy Scallion is in no way affiliated with North Quincy High School, and chooses to remain impartial when it comes to schools. Therefore, we wish both the North Quincy High School Red Raiders and the Quincy High School Presidents an excellent upcoming football season. In the immortal words of Peaches, who just happens to be one of the most shameless and disgusting whores I have ever seen in my entire life, "Stay in school, cuz it's the best."

Local ironworker arrested for going on insane rampage during peaceful PTA meeting

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Tom Turkolio, the Abington ironworker known for his mysterious interests in Quincy politics, was arrested last night for going on a violent rampage at a local PTA meeting.

The PTA meeting, which took place at Lincoln-Hancock Elementary School in West Quincy, was being held to discuss an upcoming summer program, in which the children of Quincy will be taught defense mechanisms against gonorrhea.

"I don't even know what that guy was doing there," said Allison Hambone, a former employee of Leo's Variety Store and mother of six from Brewer's Corner. "First of all, the guy is from Abington, and even more importantly, he doesn't even have any kids. Why he was at a PTA meeting in Quincy is beyond me. I honestly have no idea what this guy's motive is. That dude is a fucking creep."

Eyewitnesses at the event described Turkolio as being mild-mannered at first, yet agree that the underlying tension of his presence was enough to cause an air of discomfort throughout the entire room.

"Everything was going fine at first," said Jimmy "Ass Dog" Adams, the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson of the great John Adams. "It was just an ordinary PTA meeting, nothing out of the ordinary. I was there, doing my usual thing, drinking free coffee and scoping out the lonely single mothers, then they opened up the floor for a little Q&A. That's when shit started getting nuts, right then and there. This Turkolio guy raises his hand, and I'm just staring at him, because there's something in his eyes that just ain't right. That's when I noticed how enormous his hands were. Seriously, his fingers were the size of marinated turkey tips, it was fucking insane."

Taking a quick "bathroom break," Adams returned to resume his story, this time noticeably more energetic than before. "So, for some reason, the lady who's hosting the meeting ends up picking somebody else for the first question," he continued. "So this Turkolio guy goes fucking ballistic. He starts throwing chairs around, smashing people's faces, and just acting like a fucking lunatic. Poor Janet Russo ended up taking a chalkboard to the dome. I can honestly say that that was the first time I literally saw somebody's face explode. Poor bitch didn't even see it coming. And the dude doesn't stop there, he just keeps taking people out. It was so calculated, almost meticulous. This wasn't the first time this guy went nuts, not by a long shot. He knew what he was doing. And he just keeps ranting and raving about shit that has nothing to do with him. He goes into his pocket and whips out a fucking list of demands, and just starts screaming at the top of his lungs. "I will not be ignored!" he keeps yelling. "I demand to be taken seriously." It was all pretty overwhelming. And the whole time, all I can do is just stare into those eyes. See, the thing about this Tom Turkolio guy---he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living. Until he bites ya, that is, and those black eyes roll over white and then---well then you hear that terrible high-pitched screaming. Either way, it was the most hilarious PTA meeting I've ever been to. That kid went to fucking Psycho Land. Seriously, I haven't seen anything that fucking insane since the opening scene in Saving Private Ryan. It was that crazy."

Sol Shrewdman, the defense attorney best known for representing disgraced police officer Nico Haylen, immediately took the opportunity to defend his client. "My client is good people," he stated. "He's an ironworker. For those of you who don't know what this is, it's a man who works with iron. It requires great strength, and often times, a kind and gentle heart. He can lift an entire bureau over his head without even breaking a sweat. But should he be punished for that? Of course not. Who cares about what happened at this so called PTA meeting? Certainly not me, that's for sure. What's important here are my client's intentions, which, as far as I can see, were as pure as Colombian cocaine. Has everybody here forgotten what a mulligan is? This calls for an immediate do-over, and nothing more. I'm asking everybody involved here to take your pencils, flip them over, and erase this moment in time from your memories. He's extremely sorry. What more is there to say?"

Turkolio will be arraigned this afternoon at the Quincy District Court. He will plead not guilty to mulitple counts of unnecessary rampage, inciting a riot, and resisting arrest.

Woodward School for Girls curriculum revealed to be nothing more than a bunch of tennis matches and lunch breaks

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In a recent investigation set forth to finally figure out what exactly goes on inside the Woodward School for Girls, it was revealed that the day-to-day operations consist of nothing more than tennis matches and lunch breaks, aside from a brief period on Fridays when each of the girls are allowed to update their Facebook status and make phone calls to inquire about plans for the upcoming weekend.

"This is a disgrace to the entire school system," said Tom Turkolio, head of the Abington Ironworkers Union. "I always wondered what the hell was going on in that place, but this is just ridiculous. I bet they're not even that good at tennis either, not that I even consider tennis to be a real sport. I'd let my guys take those girls on any day of the week. Do you have any idea what it's like to work with huge pieces of iron all day long? It's insane. My guys would annihilate those chicks. Dead serious."

Those who are employed at the school seemed to have a different take on the situation. "Tennis is good for the heart," stated Sam Crunkshank, head tennis coach at the school. "Lunch is good for the heart, too. Are we not supposed to care about the hearts of our youth? What's the point of having a private school if you can't run things your own way? If these girls wanted to learn math and science, they'd be going to public school. I'll be the first to admit, we've never actually had a girl go to this school and then go on to do something important. It's just never happened. We have a great sports program though, and a haunted house during the Halloween season that would scare the black off of Keith David's face. Seriously though, this place is crazy fun. People are just jealous."

There is no word yet on if this recent investigation will spur a change in the school's curriculum, however, the girls' tennis team has publicly stated that they will accept Tom Turkolio's challenge, and anxiously await their chance to prove him wrong on the court. More information on the upcoming Abington Ironworkers Union vs. Woodward School for Girls tennis match will be provided when available.

Controversy brews over another possible election miscount due to dimpled fucking chads

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Another voting fiasco is in the midst as a Quincy elementary school prepares for what may be a long night of recounting votes for its latest election. The most recent elections, which were held yesterday morning, would decide next year's class president, and have been plagued with controversy since the very beginning.

"It's because of these stupid dimpled chad things," claimed Scotty Funkman, 9, of Adams Shore. "Nobody can tell who voted for who, it's not fair." Scotty Funkman, who spent the entire year basing his campaign on the completely unfulfilled promise of "no homework forever," was thought by many to win by a landslide victory. After three counts, however, it appears that the dimpled chad voting system may not be without flaws. "There's no way Billy Phillipson could ever beat me," he added. "Nobody even likes that kid. That kid is such a giant stupid face."

This is just another strike against the dimpled chad voting system, which is remembered mostly for it's involvement in the controversial 2000 U.S. Presidential election. Although the two elementary students did not seem to recall the prior faults of the chads, they did express sympathy with former Vice President Al Gore regarding his hard-fought campaign ending in disappointment.

“My mom stayed up all night baking cookies so I could get some votes,” declared Billy Phillipson, 9, of Germantown. “I didn’t even get to bed until almost midnight, mostly because I was stuck on the last level of Halo, but also because I was really excited to become ruler. I thought I’d wake up and this crap would be over with. This country is a joke.” The opposition agreed, with a visibly upset Funkman stating he would “sue the living shit out of whatever company makes those chad things.”

The elementary school election, a yearly tradition in both Quincy and normal cities, is facing it's toughest year in recent memory. As a high unemployment rate and rising taxes become a shocking reality for most, parents who would normally remain uninterested in their children’s activities are starting to take a more active involvement.

Joel Funkman, 31, of Adams Shore, vented his frustrations regarding his son's campaign to the Scallion. “This is utter bullshit. I mean, I thought I was pissed about the 2000 election when these stupid things didn’t work, but now this? This hits way too close to home for me. Normally, I wouldn’t give two shits about what Scotty was up to, but ever since I was layed off from Home Depot, I’ve just been milling around the house. So when he came home and told me that he might not be class president next year because of these chads, I hit the roof. There's no way in hell my son is gonna lose to Mike Phillipson's kid. No way, not that piece of Germantown trash.”

Though both sides of this argument have not yet reached an agreement, the school, which asked to remain anonymous throughout this article, has asked that a peaceful sit-down discussion take place later on this afternoon, with the ideal outcome being both sides agreeing to a "do over".