Abington ironworker hit by car on Furnace Brook Parkway, vehicle in critical condition

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Local ironworker, Tom Turkolio, was hit by a car earlier this morning on the corner of Furnace Brook Parkway and Quarry Street, authorities have reported.

Turkolio, a union dipshit from the small intestine of Abington, was sent to Quincy Medical Center, but was released almost immediately after, as he was determined to be "absolutely fine" by a Dr. Desmond Shaw.

The vehicle, however, is said to be in critical condition.

"I don't see this car making it through the night," remarked Alan Yip, an automotive technician who isn't afraid to admit he can appreciate a good love song. "There's just too much damage. I don't know who this Turkolio guy is, but, if he even has a conscience, he's gonna have a hard time sleeping tonight."

Turning around to play George Michael's "One More Try" at an ear-splitting volume through the brand new Bose speaker system in his service department, Yip then continued to work on the dying automobile.

It was a hopeless attempt, although one he could not resist, for even though the vehicle's days were numbered, he knew that he, as well, had to give it one more try.

Tom Turkolio could not be reached for comment on this article.

Mayor Koch to approve torpedo attack on Weymouth, destruction of Fore River Bridge

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

In what is being called the boldest move of his career, Mayor Thomas Koch is expected to approve a torpedo attack on Weymouth, destroying the Fore River Bridge, thus making it virtually impossible to travel between the two cities.

Weymouth, which is known for it's inability to entertain mankind for more than twelve seconds, as well as being a giant obstacle for Whitman and Abington kids traveling north, has long since been the shame of the South Shore.

Liza Stufart, a domestic engineer and mother of one from Whitman, who is so insanely stubborn that she has actually convinced her sick, demented mind that Weymouth isn't even part of the South Shore, agrees with Mayor Koch's decision, stating that the destruction of the Fore River Bridge will not only make Quincy better, but may bring new businesses to the area, as well.

"There is no legitimate reason why anyone from Weymouth should ever cross the Quincy border," Stufart commented, as she casually reenacted the final act of Brian De Palma's Scarface. "Once Quincy takes out the Fore River Bridge, the only thing they'll need is a porn store. After that, it's all gravy."

Stufart then proceeded to throw a series of wild, yet well-placed spin kicks and haymakers at anyone who she declared as having a "Weymouth face," which, according to experts, is a face that looks so much like Weymouth, that there is absolutely no way of mistaking where the owner of said face hails from.

Stufart was detained shortly after, however, as her nonsensical ramblings and maniacal movements were decided to be "just a little overboard," as the mayor pulled up in his city-issued Hummer H1 to present a framed declaration of war to Weymouth spokeswoman, Carla McFang. Stufart was brought to the Quincy Police Department, where she was frisked extensively and beaten within an inch of her life.


Mayor Koch with Carla McFang, who mistakenly thought she was accepting an award.

Mistaking the mayor's declaration of war for an award, McFang then posed with the framed statement for what she took to be a chance photo op. This, of course, did very little to ease the shame that all Weymouth residents must deal with, causing many in the inferior city to begin rethinking McFang's role as spokeswoman.

"McFang is a fucking whorebag," remarked Neal Diamondz, a man who has lived on both sides of the bridge, no matter how fucked up that may seem. "Anyone that gets one-upped by Mayor Koch is a fucking idiot. I've done a lot of shameful things in my life---believe me---but living in Weymouth is the worst of them, by far."

Parading the giant torpedo through the Fore River Shipyard, dozens of spectators were able to stare at the great weapon, each with the dazed and puzzled stare of a girl who has just been told that she had a load dumped inside her.

"He who dares!" the mayor exclaimed, as his signature hairdo majestically whipped and tousled under the massive gust of an out-of-view industrial strength fan. "Tomorrow, our great city shall attack Weymouth by means of a single torpedo. We will do so by destroying the Fore River Bridge, making it so the only way for Weymouth to penetrate the Quincy barrier will be Route 53, which is notoriously slow-moving, as well as frustrating on the soul. On the last day of 2009, I shall launch my torpedo into the heart of that bridge, and I shall watch as it crumbles before me. I offer Weymouth no more notice than that, and ask that all residents refrain from attempting to stay in our city, as we most definitely will find you. No single Weymouth resident has ever successfully been able to pull off blending in with a crowd of Quincy people. Maybe it's the hypodermic needles hanging out of their neck, or maybe it's the Nightstick t-shirt that they're wearing, but, either way, we can always tell. I honestly don't give a fuck if you can't get to Boston without that bridge. If you need to go shopping, go to the Independence Mall. And if you have a problem with that, you can suck the meatlover's pizza out of my swollen, red ass."

The torpedo, made by Bluefin Robotics, on display at the Fore River Shipyard earlier this morning.

"He who dares!" the mayor repeated, before disappearing into a cloud of smoke and glitter, as the Gap Band's "You Dropped a Bomb on Me" blasted through the shipyard's Bose speaker system at an ear-shattering volume.

It is still unclear as to what time, exactly, the mayor is expected to destroy the Fore River Bridge, although bomb specialists and bridge disaster analysts all agree that an attack at exactly "high noon" would be most likely, as the mayor's love for classic westerns is no secret at all.

Abington declares war on Montclair, demands land and property for own uses

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The town of Abington declared war on the Montclair section of Quincy today after a series of passive-aggressive comments in the Quincy Scallion's comments section got blown out of proportion, causing residents of both areas to take it to the streets in one of the most insanely horrifying fights the city has seen since the last one.

The fighting began when Tom Turkolio, the Abington ironworker who staked his claim in the Quincy mayoral campaign back in June, began making snide comments online towards those who reside in Montclair.

"Tom Turkolio called Montclair out in front of everyone," said Jake Shacklin, a lifelong resident of Montclair who is currently awaiting parole. "What were we supposed to do, just sit there and take it? That guy came into our city and started telling us what to do. It's not right. He should go back to Abington, that's where he belongs."

The fighting only got worse when a frozen turkey was thrown through the window of Malachy's Saloon in Quincy Center, a known hangout for Montclair kids, as there is technically no actual bar in their given area.

"If you ask me, it was obviously Turkolio's work," Shacklin continued. "It really wasn't hard to figure out. The fucking turkey had '02351' written on it, which is Abington's zip code---as long as Google wasn't fucking around on me again. And it was a turkey, for Christ's sake! If you show me a thing I can throw through a window that's named something that sounds more like 'Turkolio' than a turkey, then you deserve a fucking medal, because I can't think of shit."


Malachy's Saloon, where the infamous "turkey bomb" was thrown.

A letter was then mailed to a socially prominent Montclair kid, stating that Abington hereby declared "war on their land," and that "all residents must evacuate the area," as it was now considered to be "Abington territory."

"I couldn't even tell who sent it," said Jimmy Jambowski, a highly-regarded legend in the Montclair stickball scene. "The return address just said 'The Musterfields.' I don't even know what that means."

As both sides got their residents together and prepared for war, a brief chill could be felt through the air, as habitants of the surrounding areas awaited the next move, unsure of what was to come. Some say the chill was the natural effect of an army of thousands, all marching slowly, together as one. Others say it was the wind.

"Go fuck ya mutha, kid," said Tony Calabro, a foul-mouthed, young Germantown kid, who declined to comment any further.

Authorities have yet to comment on the escalating violence between the two South Shore factions, although it is assumed that they have yet to even hear about it, as no two areas of the South Shore have ever been able to get along, no matter what the subject, or how short the time period in which they are forced to commingle.

"The people of Montclair have declared themselves as my enemy," said Tom Turkolio, the most likely suspect in starting the war, as he addressed a crowd of nearly thirty people outside the Firestone on School Street. "I will not admit to throwing a turkey through the window of a bar, but I will admit that it is hilarious. The people of Montclair have said that their neighborhood is 'God's Country.' Well---people of Montclair---tell your God to ready for blood, because Tom Turkolio is coming for you. And when I strike, I will strike with the force of a hundred Green Street kids. The Abington Green Street, that is. I'm not sure if you guys have a Green Street here, but, if you do, that's not what I meant."

Taking a quick, fifteen-minute break, Turkolio took the opportunity to publicly perform approximately thirty-five perfectly executed sit-ups, followed by exactly ten minutes of speed bagging the living shit out a piece of finely polished marble.

"I promise those who oppose me one thing," he continued. "Suffering and pain, like nothing in your past. That is what I have to offer you, nothing else. Give us your land, and you shall be pardoned. But if you chose to fight, know that I shall fight without mercy. I will care not for the bleeding cries of men as they scream for their mothers. I will shed no tear for those who have lost their limbs, loved ones, and/or testicles. I will devour each of my opponents whole, and I will do it swiftly. I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger. And you shall know my name is Turkolio."

The Abington-Montclair beef then came to sudden standstill, which was followed by a complete lack of attention by all parties, as everyone involved began to realize that it was Tuesday, which, as almost all those interviewed stated, is "so fucking close to Friday." No further retaliation on either side is anticipated, as it is expected that both groups will simply forget the beef and move on.

Whether this is true, or not, one can only guess, as while South Shore beefs are known to dissipate, they are also known to rejuvenate at the drop of a fucking dime.

Tom Turkolio takes on Jeff Brophy in list of people doomed to fail in upcoming election

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the 2009 Turkolio for Quincy Campaign

Tom Turkolio, the Abington ironworker last in the news for flying off the handle at a local PTA meeting, announced this Thursday his intentions to take on Jeff Brophy in the upcoming Quincy mayoral race.

The announcement, which was made in the Quincy Scallion's own comments section (SEE HERE), was considered by many to be unofficial until last night when Quincy residents began spotting an online advertisement (above) in local message boards. The advertisement, which appears to be the beginning of an aggressive viral marketing campaign, has the entire city on edge, with most people wondering who Tom Turkolio has in his corner.

"I don't even understand what's going on," commented Chuck Tucci, an ordinary working man from Quincy. "I didn't even know that Abington residents could run for mayor in Quincy. That's news to me. I just wanna know who's helping him with this viral marketing campaign. I've met many ironworkers in my life, and most of them don't even know what the internet is, nevermind know how to use it. And I'm not trying to sound condescending, or anything like that, but do they even have internet service in Abington? It's like the fucking wild west out there. I'm pretty sure they still use Bell Atlantic for their phones. Plus, not to bring up old shit, but doesn't this Turkolio guy have a pending trial going on?"

But while some had strong feelings about Turkolio's campaign, most Quincy residents were still unaware of who Tom Turkolio actually is, some of them claiming to have never even heard of him. "I have no idea who we're talking about here," claimed Taylor Greenstock, a public defender from Quincy Point. "Why doesn't he just run for mayor in Abington, that seems a lot more reasonable. Honestly, I'm not even sure they even have a mayor, or what their political system, if any, is set up like, but, either way, it all seems a little bit ridiculous. Couldn't he just run for sheriff, or something like that? That's seriously what I picture when I think of Abington, just one, lone sheriff on a horse, firing a pistol in the air. I dunno, it just seems so obvious to me that this race is between Koch and Phelan. I don't know who this Turkolio guy is, and I certainly have no idea who this Brophy guy is either. These people are making a public spectacle of what should be an ordinary election process. It's a disgrace to everything our forefathers built. It's just wrong."

But Turkolio and his entourage of three Abington kids disagree, and have promised to prove detractors of his campaign wrong. It is a promise that will most likely be left unfulfilled, but a promise, nonetheless.

"Ironworkers don't lie," said Turkolio in his one-on-one interview with the Scallion. "When you start eating lunch thirty-seven stories above ground with nothing between you and the pavement but a single slab of iron, you start to look at the world differently. Quincy is a beautiful city, and I would like nothing more than to be able to mold this city into the thriving community I know it can be. Jeff Brophy can't do that for you, mainly because the kid is a fucking dickhead, but also because the kid just straight-up sucks. Mayor Koch has proven to us that he cares about himself, and himself only. He disregards the interests of the city, always putting his own interests first. Just read the Quincy Scallion and you'll see what I mean. I'm not exactly sure who this Phelan guy is, but he seems like an all right dude. I have nothing against Phelan at all, I just think I could do a better job than he could. This is just something that I know I have to do, because I am 100% confident that I am the man for the job. No hesitation, no turning back. I gotta do it, I have no choice."

Turkolio's entourage of three Abington kids were unavailable for comment, as they were rumored to be drinking cans of Busch beer in the basement of a well-known Green Street whore. There is no word yet on whether, or not, Turkolio is aware that the last two sentences of his quote are exact lyrics from Madball's "Down By Law."

Local ironworker arrested for going on insane rampage during peaceful PTA meeting

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Tom Turkolio, the Abington ironworker known for his mysterious interests in Quincy politics, was arrested last night for going on a violent rampage at a local PTA meeting.

The PTA meeting, which took place at Lincoln-Hancock Elementary School in West Quincy, was being held to discuss an upcoming summer program, in which the children of Quincy will be taught defense mechanisms against gonorrhea.

"I don't even know what that guy was doing there," said Allison Hambone, a former employee of Leo's Variety Store and mother of six from Brewer's Corner. "First of all, the guy is from Abington, and even more importantly, he doesn't even have any kids. Why he was at a PTA meeting in Quincy is beyond me. I honestly have no idea what this guy's motive is. That dude is a fucking creep."

Eyewitnesses at the event described Turkolio as being mild-mannered at first, yet agree that the underlying tension of his presence was enough to cause an air of discomfort throughout the entire room.

"Everything was going fine at first," said Jimmy "Ass Dog" Adams, the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandson of the great John Adams. "It was just an ordinary PTA meeting, nothing out of the ordinary. I was there, doing my usual thing, drinking free coffee and scoping out the lonely single mothers, then they opened up the floor for a little Q&A. That's when shit started getting nuts, right then and there. This Turkolio guy raises his hand, and I'm just staring at him, because there's something in his eyes that just ain't right. That's when I noticed how enormous his hands were. Seriously, his fingers were the size of marinated turkey tips, it was fucking insane."

Taking a quick "bathroom break," Adams returned to resume his story, this time noticeably more energetic than before. "So, for some reason, the lady who's hosting the meeting ends up picking somebody else for the first question," he continued. "So this Turkolio guy goes fucking ballistic. He starts throwing chairs around, smashing people's faces, and just acting like a fucking lunatic. Poor Janet Russo ended up taking a chalkboard to the dome. I can honestly say that that was the first time I literally saw somebody's face explode. Poor bitch didn't even see it coming. And the dude doesn't stop there, he just keeps taking people out. It was so calculated, almost meticulous. This wasn't the first time this guy went nuts, not by a long shot. He knew what he was doing. And he just keeps ranting and raving about shit that has nothing to do with him. He goes into his pocket and whips out a fucking list of demands, and just starts screaming at the top of his lungs. "I will not be ignored!" he keeps yelling. "I demand to be taken seriously." It was all pretty overwhelming. And the whole time, all I can do is just stare into those eyes. See, the thing about this Tom Turkolio guy---he's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living. Until he bites ya, that is, and those black eyes roll over white and then---well then you hear that terrible high-pitched screaming. Either way, it was the most hilarious PTA meeting I've ever been to. That kid went to fucking Psycho Land. Seriously, I haven't seen anything that fucking insane since the opening scene in Saving Private Ryan. It was that crazy."

Sol Shrewdman, the defense attorney best known for representing disgraced police officer Nico Haylen, immediately took the opportunity to defend his client. "My client is good people," he stated. "He's an ironworker. For those of you who don't know what this is, it's a man who works with iron. It requires great strength, and often times, a kind and gentle heart. He can lift an entire bureau over his head without even breaking a sweat. But should he be punished for that? Of course not. Who cares about what happened at this so called PTA meeting? Certainly not me, that's for sure. What's important here are my client's intentions, which, as far as I can see, were as pure as Colombian cocaine. Has everybody here forgotten what a mulligan is? This calls for an immediate do-over, and nothing more. I'm asking everybody involved here to take your pencils, flip them over, and erase this moment in time from your memories. He's extremely sorry. What more is there to say?"

Turkolio will be arraigned this afternoon at the Quincy District Court. He will plead not guilty to mulitple counts of unnecessary rampage, inciting a riot, and resisting arrest.