Abington declares war on Montclair, demands land and property for own uses

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The town of Abington declared war on the Montclair section of Quincy today after a series of passive-aggressive comments in the Quincy Scallion's comments section got blown out of proportion, causing residents of both areas to take it to the streets in one of the most insanely horrifying fights the city has seen since the last one.

The fighting began when Tom Turkolio, the Abington ironworker who staked his claim in the Quincy mayoral campaign back in June, began making snide comments online towards those who reside in Montclair.

"Tom Turkolio called Montclair out in front of everyone," said Jake Shacklin, a lifelong resident of Montclair who is currently awaiting parole. "What were we supposed to do, just sit there and take it? That guy came into our city and started telling us what to do. It's not right. He should go back to Abington, that's where he belongs."

The fighting only got worse when a frozen turkey was thrown through the window of Malachy's Saloon in Quincy Center, a known hangout for Montclair kids, as there is technically no actual bar in their given area.

"If you ask me, it was obviously Turkolio's work," Shacklin continued. "It really wasn't hard to figure out. The fucking turkey had '02351' written on it, which is Abington's zip code---as long as Google wasn't fucking around on me again. And it was a turkey, for Christ's sake! If you show me a thing I can throw through a window that's named something that sounds more like 'Turkolio' than a turkey, then you deserve a fucking medal, because I can't think of shit."


Malachy's Saloon, where the infamous "turkey bomb" was thrown.

A letter was then mailed to a socially prominent Montclair kid, stating that Abington hereby declared "war on their land," and that "all residents must evacuate the area," as it was now considered to be "Abington territory."

"I couldn't even tell who sent it," said Jimmy Jambowski, a highly-regarded legend in the Montclair stickball scene. "The return address just said 'The Musterfields.' I don't even know what that means."

As both sides got their residents together and prepared for war, a brief chill could be felt through the air, as habitants of the surrounding areas awaited the next move, unsure of what was to come. Some say the chill was the natural effect of an army of thousands, all marching slowly, together as one. Others say it was the wind.

"Go fuck ya mutha, kid," said Tony Calabro, a foul-mouthed, young Germantown kid, who declined to comment any further.

Authorities have yet to comment on the escalating violence between the two South Shore factions, although it is assumed that they have yet to even hear about it, as no two areas of the South Shore have ever been able to get along, no matter what the subject, or how short the time period in which they are forced to commingle.

"The people of Montclair have declared themselves as my enemy," said Tom Turkolio, the most likely suspect in starting the war, as he addressed a crowd of nearly thirty people outside the Firestone on School Street. "I will not admit to throwing a turkey through the window of a bar, but I will admit that it is hilarious. The people of Montclair have said that their neighborhood is 'God's Country.' Well---people of Montclair---tell your God to ready for blood, because Tom Turkolio is coming for you. And when I strike, I will strike with the force of a hundred Green Street kids. The Abington Green Street, that is. I'm not sure if you guys have a Green Street here, but, if you do, that's not what I meant."

Taking a quick, fifteen-minute break, Turkolio took the opportunity to publicly perform approximately thirty-five perfectly executed sit-ups, followed by exactly ten minutes of speed bagging the living shit out a piece of finely polished marble.

"I promise those who oppose me one thing," he continued. "Suffering and pain, like nothing in your past. That is what I have to offer you, nothing else. Give us your land, and you shall be pardoned. But if you chose to fight, know that I shall fight without mercy. I will care not for the bleeding cries of men as they scream for their mothers. I will shed no tear for those who have lost their limbs, loved ones, and/or testicles. I will devour each of my opponents whole, and I will do it swiftly. I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger. And you shall know my name is Turkolio."

The Abington-Montclair beef then came to sudden standstill, which was followed by a complete lack of attention by all parties, as everyone involved began to realize that it was Tuesday, which, as almost all those interviewed stated, is "so fucking close to Friday." No further retaliation on either side is anticipated, as it is expected that both groups will simply forget the beef and move on.

Whether this is true, or not, one can only guess, as while South Shore beefs are known to dissipate, they are also known to rejuvenate at the drop of a fucking dime.