Search party for missing prostitute turns into great day for wiffle ball game

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A search party for missing hooker Wanda De La Santos unexpectedly turned into an all-day affair today, as residents of Quincy celebrated the acceptable-to-mediocre weather with a series of competitive wiffle ball games, grilled hot dogs, cold beer, and live musical performances.

De La Santos, who has been missing for nearly a month, and is expected to be in no less than eight pieces by now, was well-known by area locals, and had dreams of one day becoming a highly regarded rooftop criminal analyst.

"She was definitely unique," claimed Sandy Pants, a Quincy Point resident and founder of Cool Connection, Inc., an online service that rents out popular people, socialites, and "life of the party" types. "There must be about four divorces going on right now because of Wanda. She wasn't the best looking lady, but, from what I hear, she knew how to treat a man. I really hope she's okay, though. Chances are she's probably burned to a crisp at this point, but who knows. Her hamstrings were really defined. She might have been a fighter, it's hard to tell. I didn't really know her that well. Either way, I hope she's just on some crazy heroin binge, or something."

Nearly a half-hour into the search, authorities and locals had still found no clues as to De La Santos' whereabouts, causing many people to wonder if anything would be found at all.

Taking a quick break at Merrymount Field, members of the search party then organized a heated game of wiffle ball, in which all who tried their hardest were the winners, regardless of the score.


The intense wiffle ball game, which was followed by the even more intense party.

"I sprained my finger in the bottom of the third," said Elizabeth Longfur, a Squantum resident known for greeting politicians with knives. "That's when I knew we'd have to crack a few beers. It's not really a wiffle ball game until you get a few cold ones in ya. They just kinda go hand-in-hand."

As the wiffle ball game grew closer to an end, residents began wheeling other people's grills and coolers over, preparing for what ended up being one of the better outdoor parties of the summer.

From foot-long hot dogs, to handmade burger patties, to barbecued chicken wings, spectators prepared some of the finest summer dishes around, while those who lack culinary knowledge picked up cold, refreshing beers.

"It was a good day," remarked Neal Diamondz, a local rap legend from Hospital Hill. "I got a few foot-longs up in me and just kicked back and watched the game, it was great. I got some beers up in me, found a few fine-ass girlies, and went swimming in that new fountain they have here. There's nothing quite like kicking it in a fountain on a nice summer day, with a Red Stripe in one hand, a blunt in the other, and a girl on each side. And the cops were mad cool about it, too. Usually, those dudes all up in my shit---just because I have a little bit of gold and a pager---but they just kinda let everybody kick back and enjoy the day. They knew it was for a good cause, and they just sorta backed off because of that. Even if it was just this once, I really appreciate it. It was really cool of them."

Live music was then performed, as city residents were graced with the melodic barroom sounds of Bryan McPherson, the angst-ridden folk punk artist known for local hits, such as "100 Cigarettes," "Poor Boy," and "Bang."

Bryan McPherson, playing for the crowd of fearless searchers.

"That mothefucker can sing," said Donnie Wahlberg, the former New Kids on the Block member who is currently playing second fiddle to his younger brother. "He's got the right stuff, that much is for sure. I just found it weird that all the leaves fell off the trees as soon as he started singing. Those leaves were hangin' tough before that guy showed up, I don't know what happened. That was some really weird shit."

Six hours into what was starting to look like a very poorly arranged search, De La Santos' whereabouts was still unknown, as attentions in the crowd seemed to become fixated on dancing, dining, and general tomfoolery. There is no word yet on whether De La Santos is still alive, although it is expected that she has either been hacked into pieces, turned into firewood, or is floating around somewhere in the bottom of Wollaston Beach. Citizens are encouraged to contact authorities if there has been any known sightings of this beloved neighborhood prostitute, although they are even more encouraged to take a dip in the brand new water fountain at Merrymount Park, which has been chemically treated in a valiant effort to make swimming around in it seem slightly less disgusting.

No link between De La Santos' disappearance and the Great One Killer has been established at this time, however, experts insist that the likelyhood is there. Authorities have asked anyone with information on her disappearance, or, more importantly, the murder of those who were not call girls, to please contact them as soon as possible. This, of course, does not apply on weekdays between the hours of 6:00PM and 8:00PM, as police will most likely be engrossed in the Hallmark Channel's mini-marathon of The Golden Girls, the hilarious sitcom about America's favorite post-menopausal whores, and the men who fuck them. More on this developing story will be made available as it becomes known.

Listen: Bryan McPherson (Official Website)