The Quincy Scallion: Recent scientific study proves that watching sports makes you "sort of gay"

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Recent scientific study proves that watching sports makes you "sort of gay"

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A recent study conducted by scientists has shown that there is a definite connection between watching sports and being homosexual.

The study, which was conducted in front of O'Brien's Pub in Allston, was overseen by three highly respected area men, and was rumored to last almost the exact amount of time it took for Rampant Decay to start playing and then get banned for life. It was a storyline O'Brien's Pub had most definitely seen before.

"Those scientists were up to something," claimed Jimmy Flynn, a "man with a plan" type of guy with at least ten years of being shifty and shady under his belt. "They were trying to discover shit."

Scientists in the area refused to admit whether, or not, they were there to, in fact, discover shit, however, many locals believed that they were.

"It's sort of gay," said Jorge Camifortia, a crisp looking fellow from the smooth part of town. "It's just a bunch of dudes sitting around on a couch, watching a bunch of other dudes on the television. It's really weird, y'know? I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being gay. I'm just pointing out something I've noticed, that's all. All I'm saying is, if I was watching a movie that had a bunch of dudes slapping each other on the ass, people would start to think things about me. And who blame 'em?"

There has been no comment yet from any sports fan, as they are all assumed to be slapping, touching, and hugging, all while screaming "we did it" into the air, even though they didn't actually do anything at all.

5 comments:

sweden said...: Sports for men must be like dancing is with women, you get to touch things you normally wouldn't.Of course two women dancing looks sexy and two men touching just looks gross. I'm not a sports fan.; August 20, 2009 at 7:27 AM
Amandasaurus said...: It seems to me that men who want to appear tougher and more manly are the prime participants in sports. So you may be onto something. Does this mean athletes and their fans are all homosexual? We don't know, but it appears we are on the way to a new trend. That's right: gay is the new macho!; August 22, 2009 at 1:04 PM
Jessy Drastic said...: hahahaha.; August 22, 2009 at 4:56 PM
Unknown said...: If wearing tight pants and participating in celebratory ass touching with other men is gay then you can call me Rock Hudson.; August 24, 2009 at 2:21 PM
Rampant Decay said...: I'd like to see those pricks try to ban us for life.; February 26, 2010 at 10:42 AM

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by Mike McCuddy

Quincy Police were called to intervene regarding a domestic disturbance incident on Safford Street yesterday, stemming from a routine plumbing incident gone awry. Dumpling Wong, a local man-of-soy, known throughout the community for knocking over invalids and children on the Red Line, called 9-1-1 on Monday afternoon to report unruly behavior on behalf of Emerald Isle Plumbing and Sheetrocking, a plumbing outfit from the Vietnamese-smelling part of Savin Hill. The incident began after Wong clogged his toilet that morning with an unusually large defecation, resulting from a previous night’s order of fried Basset Hound, smothered in MSG, from Mr. Chan’s in Milton. Based on a recommendation from a drunken neighbor, Wong called Emerald Isle Plumbing, which promised same day service. Showing up three hours late, the plumbers ignored Wong’s request to remove their shoes at the door, instead dragging mud onto the carpet and dropping scone crumbs throughout the house. “This place smells like fucking shit,” announced supervisor Pabst McMurphy, a man who once set a 3-state record in 2006 for saying the word “cocksucker” an estimated 2,453 times during happy hour at Darcy’s Pub. After surveying the clogged toilet for less than five seconds, the plumbers mumbled about needing a “Johnson Rod” at the shop, but continued to loiter at the Wong residence. Apprentice Cork Sullivan, a Shepard’s pie with a green card made out of Irish Spring soap shavings, proceeded to fire up Nintendo Wii, and soon bottles of Tsing Tao beer began disappearing from Wong’s refrigerator. Wong finally called the police after a Mr. Sub delivery man arrived at the door while the crowd had erupted into singing. Police are expect to revoke the company’s Local 12 Plumbing charter, where they will then discover that none of the men are licensed to plumb, or even be in the United States.

Quincy Police have released a statement claiming they have shut down the Andre’s Market convenience store in Wollaston. This act will also be coupled by stripping sole proprietor, Andre Squanto, of his vendor’s license, for selling expired inventory. Andre, a 58-year-old homosexual Indian, who inexplicably wears cowboy hats, was known as a minor Quincy celebrity for his frequent disgusting sexual rendezvous behind the Village Auto School, as well as his memorable stint as Danny on the mid-nineties Nickelodeon program, Hey Dude. Police were notified of the suspicious inventory based on numerous customer complaints, including local chimney duster, Flem Borsiquot, who stated, “I walk in here every day to play the numbers and see some crazy shit. Massasoit behind the counter is selling Pub Fries from what looks like the Reagan Administration, and he’s sellin’ Heralds with Mo Vaughn on the cover. This fuck even has a BayBank ATM in the corner.” Other inventory, such as 25 cent juice boxes with no label on them, Crystal Clear Pepsi, and Mass Millions lottery tickets have been dismissed as “fucking ridiculous.” Longtime customer, Quack McTavish, claims, “I think most people were willing to ignore the dusty ice cream cooler that looked like a portal to Hell, and the leather jacket on the wall that may, or may not, have been for sale, as long as that Andre guy didn’t talk to, or even look at, one of our sons.” Police say the vacant property is expected to be sold to Mung Realty, where a nail salon, bottle/can depository, or shitty bakery is expected to crush the soul out of the neighboring community.

Dorchester Copperpot, a hickory smoked, fall-off-the-bone pork rib from Merrymount, was detained by Quincy Police on Monday and committed to the McLean Mental Health Facilities after inciting a riot during a monthly Quincy City Council meeting at City Hall. Copperpot, an 84-year-old homeless maniac, credited with being the first person to buy a compact disc at Quincy Records & Tapes in 1989, was rescued by police after being attacked by an unruly mob for a series of blasphemous comments. The Quincy City Council was called together for an emergency meeting on Monday to discuss suggestions for renovating the notoriously underfunded Quincy Center, which yielded solutions such as attracting more discount shoe stores, Greek pizza shops, and the construction of a methadone clinic inside the Quincy Center MBTA bus terminal. Council President Lo Hong Duck blurted out “fuck this shit," before excusing himself to murder his newborn daughter. The meeting began winding down around 8:15pm, when the front door flew open and Copperpot ambled in, wearing two different shoes and Army fatigues from the Korean War. Copperpot quickly seized the podium and began reciting a recipe for split pea soup before making a myriad of baseless, inflammatory accusations ranging from former Mayor James Sheets being a bullfighter in Spain, to a mysterious bridge on Nut Island being an elusive second road into Squantum. “Lets kick the shit out of this crazy fucker!” shouted City Comptroller Evan Marmaduke, who led an all-out assault on Copperpot until police were called to remove him from the premises. Police expect Copperpot to be sentenced to six months in McLean Hospital, wherein he is then expected to be released back into the dumpster behind Shamrock Variety on Beale Street.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Recent scientific study proves that watching sports makes you "sort of gay"

5 comments:

Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards

by Mike McCuddy

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