Illegal basement show at North Quincy High's Black Box Theatre results in midnight madness

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web and Dora Lalaney

Aftershocks are being felt throughout Quincy this morning as an illegal basement show took place last night at the famed Black Box Theatre in North Quincy High School, resulting in massive confusion for all involved.

The famous theatre, used by drama students of the high school to stage plays such as “Death of a Salesman,” “A Comedy of Errors,” and “Howard the Duck,” was hijacked late last night by underground entertainment promoters with the intent to hold a punk rock concert and gambling circuit.

While charges have not yet officially been brought forth against anyone, numerous people have been taken in for questioning. Among the parties of interest are Joseph Hawk, 28, a vaguely white truck driver from New Bedford, a Hollywood Video clerk from the Montclair branch known only as “Smiley,” and Matt Duffman, a 29-year-old slickster from Brockton. Duffman was last wanted by police for his involvement in an infamous counterfeit t-shirt operation that was busted at the Showcase Cinemas in Randolph on opening night of Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring for selling crudely made “I Survived Gandalf at Randolph” shirts.

Among the famous attendees at the illegal concert were Dave Smalley of DYS, “Gorgeous” George Camaro of Shot Dead, and Jack “Choke” Kelly of Slapshot, who provided haircuts for a fair price to all those who needed them, all while ridiculing them for their shortcomings and vices.

“That Choke guy was a little rough around the edges,” said Tom Slack, a philosophy major who currently resides in the basement of his mother’s Adams Shore bungalow. “He made fun of my shoes, called me names, started picking apart my political beliefs, it was horrible. To be honest, I didn’t really need that shit---but I did need a haircut---so it all evened out in the end.”

Speculation still abounds as to how the organizers of the event and showgoers gained access to the Black Box, but many theories point to Erving Fritz, the overnight security guard who was working at the time. Fritz, a 45-year-old former member of the Quincy Police Department, and current Guinness Book of World Records holder for most consecutive hours asleep on the job (29 hours), has long been known as the weakest link in the city’s night watchmen community.

“I thought they were all taking some midnight class here,” feebly replied Fritz, who had visible sleep creases on his cheeks, coupled with bags under both eyes, and a case of bed-head that was deemed to be at a “Level 5.”

“They seemed kinda old to be high school kids,” Fritz added. “Especially that Choke asshole who put my hand in a cup of warm water when I was resting my eyes, but I’m not getting paid to harass old looking kids, so I just let ‘em all in. What was I supposed to do, tell them they couldn't come in?"

Police officers noted suspicious behavior in the area while ordering from the 24-hour McDonald’s drive-thru located directly across the street from the high school. Upon spotting known bartender extraordinaire, Bernie “Taxzee Driver” Allen, conversing outside of a propped open door with known alcohol consumer, Jarrod Shanastyhan, the officers abstained from a second helping of McShakes and moved in for further examination.

“Allen is definitely not a high school student," explained Officer Bruce Old. "I don’t care what time of day or night it is. Plus, he has a habit of writing in ridiculous tips to himself when people get hammered at Shooters, so we needed to have a few words with him. And that Shanastyhan character just had a look about him…a look I do not care for at all. He was wearing jean shorts, cut off at an obscene height and a t-shirt that just said ‘Czech Me Out!’ What a maggot. I knew right then and there that this world just had no decent people in it anymore.”

But more trouble was on the horizon, as authorities uncovered what appeared to be a “make out club” going on in the mysterious sixth hallway, the infamous hallway in North Quincy High School that was brought to the attention of many media sources after local band, Outburst, recorded the demo-track-turned-internet-phenomenon, “New York Surprise.”


The door to the mysterious sixth hallway at North Quincy High School,

”It was fucking disgusting,” claimed Officer Nico Haylen, Quincy's favorite diabetic cop, recently put in charge of the one-man task force set forth for the purpose of tracking down the elusive Great One Killer. “I’m not exactly sure what the O’Jays were proposing in their hit song, ‘Love Train,’ but it would probably look a little like what I saw in that hallway. And I'm not one for public displays of affection---trust me---there's just something about 'em that irks me. I'm not sure if anybody's ever seen two punk rock kids making out, or not, but it's a little bit weird. It's basically like watching a homeless couple make out. There's really no difference.”

Sources present at the gathering claim that the police’s heavy-handed presence did little to deter the concert. While many of the people there attempted to keep a somewhat low profile in order to postpone the event being shutdown by cops, others where not so calm.

Joe O’Connell, a history-loving graduate of North Quincy High with a devil-may-care demeanor, was spotted by a police helicopter “firing hot clam chowder” down from the roof onto people milling around on Hancock Street below. O’Connell vanished in a cloud of smoke when officers tried apprehending him.

Springa, former vocalist for renowned Boston hardcore band, SSD, was arrested in the high school’s front parking lot after being repeatedly mistaken for both Beetlejuice and Bobcat Goldthwait, and refusing to sign autographs.

Former KGB operative and recent KFC customer, YoYo Stah of the Merrymount section of Quincy, was issued repeated warnings to stop revving a motorcycle loudly on the inside 2nd floor bridge of the school. Stah later acquiesced and promised to "keep it under twenty miles-per-hour,” as neighbors were trying to sleep. He was also issued a citation for dragging the body of a dead horse around inside a school zone.

While first reports estimated attendance at the illegal concert to be in the hundreds, it was later revealed that much of the city's population had attended at one point, or another, during the night. This is rumored to have been the cause of much anger and resentment from Mayor Koch’s office as the mayor and his top aide were visibly upset for not having been invited at all.

Author's Note: The Quincy Scallion is in no way affiliated with North Quincy High School, and chooses to remain impartial when it comes to schools. Therefore, we wish both the North Quincy High School Red Raiders and the Quincy High School Presidents an excellent upcoming football season. In the immortal words of Peaches, who just happens to be one of the most shameless and disgusting whores I have ever seen in my entire life, "Stay in school, cuz it's the best."