Governor Patrick pays visit to Neponset River Bridge project, briefed on Pony Room concern

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

It seems no matter how hard a foreman on the Neponset River Bridge project tries, he just can't keep his workers from straying off and drinking at the Pony Room.

The Pony Room, which is conveniently located just over the Quincy line, in Dorchester, has long since been a go-to point for Granite City residents who are seeking to dabble in the high stakes world of the Neponset area nightlife.

But what will the Pony Room cost us in the end? Some say everything.

"I can't keep anybody concentrated on this project," complained Bill Ricka, who oversees construction on the southbound side of the bridge.

Calling in Governor Deval Patrick to further assess the growing problem, Ricka explained how the magnetic pull and allure of the notorious bar has already caused the project to be set back fifteen years behind schedule. As reported, the project was originally slated to be finished sometime before the end of 2012.

"At the rate we're going, we'll never finish this thing," Ricka added. "At any given point in the day, over half my crew is in that place drinking. You do the math."

Governor Patrick was unable to be reached for comment on this article.

Merrymount parents lash out against Mayor Koch using homemade signs with Microsoft clip art

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Merrymount

Merrymount area parents are lashing out against the mayor in the wake of publicly announced budget cuts that may result in the loss of their school bus route.

The bus route, which operates throughout the neighborhood on weekday mornings and afternoons, takes students to and from Merrymount Elementary School, which is tucked away in a near-hidden location on Agawam Road.

As of this September, the bus route may be eliminated indefinitely.

"How do you take a bus route away from a kid that age?" asked Lufa Rigno, the neighbor of a concerned parent from Greenleaf Street. "I understand that budget cuts are making it hard to make ends meet, but you can't take away buses. Without school bus routes, we are nothing more than filthy pieces of shit."

Rigno was last in the news back in 1969, after he and a fellow business associate invented the Adidas shell toe, which remains a popular footwear even today.


Lufa Rigno (right) and his business partner, holding the very first Adidas shell toe.

But while the concerned residents of Merrymount disagree with the elimination of the bus route, those who are in control of the cookie jar say it is unavoidable.

"We just can't afford to keep the route operational," Mayor Koch said. "These kids are gonna have face reality and start walking to school. They're just gonna have to suck it up. The everyday luxuries of modern living are a thing of the past, and there's no way I'm going down in this sinking ship alone. I'm taking everyone with me, kids included. A little exercise never hurt anybody."

It was later revealed that Mayor Koch once blew a hamstring while pitching underhand during the annual City Hall vs. Napoli's Pizza softball game.

For more information on Quincy's school budget, spit in your child's face.

Mayor Koch proposes over $40 billion budget cuts

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Mayor Thomas Koch's face

Mayor Thomas Koch has proposed over $40 billion in budget cuts for next year, which would be more than enough to put the city back in the green.

The only problem is, Quincy doesn't have anywhere near that budget.

In fact, the budget for July 1st, 2009 to June 30th, 2010 was just over $226 million, leaving quite an unexplainable gap between what the mayor is proposing and what he can actually deliver. But it's politics as usual in the City of Presidents.

From budget cuts to layoffs, it seems there's no good news for Quincy Public Schools. And it appears it may be getting a whole lot worse before it gets better.

But with a man like Tommy Taxes in charge, there's no need to fear. And as long as there's still jobs and supplies, there will always be something to remove, especially if it's something unnecessary, like deans or librarians. Who needs librarians when we can just look everything up on Google?

"We're facing a financial crisis," Koch told reporters. "What I'm suggesting is that we just chisel away at the outer edges until it all works out."

But what if one of the students decides they want to learn how to read?

"Reading is an excellent way to gather information," Koch admitted. "But it's no longer a top priority. With the amount of texting these kids do, it's hard to imagine anybody needing a librarian. We need to remove whatever we can to stay afloat. We're just gonna pluck a little off the top and see what happens from there. This seems bad on the surface, but it will all unravel quite smoothly in the post-production."

It is uncertain at this time whether the mayor thinks he is filming a movie.

"If Mayor Koch gets his way, the entire school department will be eradicated," one resident said. "He thinks it's a game. He's running this city like it was a fucking lemonade stand. Somebody needs to do something before it's too late."

For more information on where Koch is taking us, move to Bridgewater.

Bridgewater's financial crisis makes Quincy residents feel better about themselves

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

All across Bridgewater, residents and city workers alike are taking drastic measures to survive, as services and supplies continue to diminish.

With a public library that is open a measly 14 hours a week, and a fire department that is in danger of having to close down one of it's substations, it appears that Lady Luck just hasn't quite made her way down that far on Route 24.

But not everybody finds this news as hilarious as we do.

Take Sandy Narco, vice chairwoman of the Bridgewater Public Library, for example. Due to budget cuts, she now has to clean the shit off the library's toilets.

Don Larue and Sonny Thaves, both members of the town's Highway Department, now have to patch all 185 miles of Bridgewater’s roadways. Before the budget cuts, all they had to do was sit on YouTube all day and make money.

Mike Hearst, an English teacher at Bridgewater-Raynham Regional High School, has over thirty students in his ninth-grade class. Almost twice what he should.

And John Fingerton, who was once a high-ranking Bridgewater selectman, now spends his days giving people "ten fingers" to the second level of the Town Hall, as the decrease in funding became so bad that they couldn't even afford stairs.

"Go ahead and laugh at me," Fingerton said. "Get a good chuckle out of it."


John Fingerton, walking away from reporters with an unattended corn cob pipe.

Hearing of Bridgewater's misfortune, Quincy residents then decided to hold an all-night rager, hosted by local legends DJ Silent Partner and Stenny.

"Knowing that other people have it far worse than I do really helps to take the edge off," Silent Partner said, as he lit three Marlboro cigarettes with a flaming $2 bill. "The people of Bridgewater need to stop having sex with cows and start learning how to live like a civilized society. For them, this is a serious wake-up call. For us, it's an excuse to party. I think it's safe to say that we won this round."

Excusing himself to play a Biz Markie classic, Silent Partner began closing the party down in style. "This next song goes out to Bridgewater," he declared, as he ended the night with his own remix of Simon & Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Water."

Listen: DJ Silent Partner (MySpace)

Mayor launches new Crystal Clear Koch campaign

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mayor Thomas Koch will launch his brand new "Crystal Clear Koch" campaign today, which will allow residents to confront him with tough questions regarding the city, at which point he promises to answer them as truthfully as possible.

While some have accused the mayor of concocting a shameless publicity stunt, others see this as a fresh, new take on politics altogether.

The first of these meetings will be held tonight at the George F. Bryan VFW Hall, where the mayor is expected to field questions regarding a new Central Middle School, drug abuse among children, and Adderall abuse among lonely housewives.

"I think it's nice to see the mayor showing some effort," remarked one resident.

But while some see these new, no-holds-barred meetings as a step in the right direction, others simply see it as an excuse for the mayor to eat snacks.

"If you've been to a city meeting recently, you'll know that they're almost always catered," said Pike Turner, a retired VCR repairman from Merrymount.

Stopping briefly to adjust his crotch, Turner continued. "Mayor Koch can't even make it a half-hour without eating something. And you can bet your ass it's the taxpayer that pays for all that food. But it beats being Communist, I suppose. Either way, that guy is an absolute moron. After all, we're talking about someone who still wears Hypercolor clothing to cookouts."

Mayoral aide Oskar “Burp” Douglas, who is credited with formulating the ins-and-outs of the campaign, issued a promise that the upcoming meetings will help ease tensions between the city's governing forces and the common man.

“It’s simple really,” said Douglas, as he helped his wife pick out a new puppy at the local shelter. “If Joe Nobody wants to know why the mayor's car was parked illegally in his driveway for days at a time, he just goes to a meeting and asks. Straight up. This is a whole new era in Quincy politics. No more...ugh, no, not that dog! That thing is horrific! Huh? Oh, sorry. So, anyways, this is a whole new approach to a public question-and-answer session. No more diversions and cheap tricks. Just honest-to-goodness answers.”

When asked by the shelter's staff as to how he would pay for his new dog, Douglas responded with an absurd series of cheap tricks, burps, and confusing musings before leaving quickly through the backdoor.

It is rumored that his wife eventually paid with cash.

Mayor enforces gender discrimination classes for all city departments, hires mysterious outsider

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mayor Thomas Koch has made it mandatory for all city departments to attend a comprehensive 3-hour gender discrimination seminar, City Hall has reported.

The seminars will be held by Clyde Crisp, founder of Listen to Her, Inc.

Crisp, whose business operates out of the Monponsett section of Hanson, will be flown in by helicopter next week to present a total of twelve seminars, which will reportedly cost the city an excess of $26,000 in taxpayer money.

As of now, the only city department that is exempt from participating in the seminars is the Department of Weights and Measures.

"It's important to treat each gender the same," remarked Crisp. "It's not just men that keep a city afloat. Women have many roles within city government."

Crisp, who earned his associate's degree online through the University of Phoenix, was the former manager of the Bickford's on Mayor Thomas McGrath Highway in Quincy, where he learned the intricate details of a multi-gender workplace.

"It's a natural reaction for a man to laugh in a woman's face after she has asked him a question," Crisp added. "But this is a grave mistake. Women want to be treated as if they were equals with men, not just some cooking-and-cleaning machine who opens and closes their legs whenever we see fit."

Crisp then casually walked across the street and sat awkwardly close to a female on a bench, pressing his face against hers as hard as he could.

"I want you inside me," Crisp whispered, as he maintained solid eye contact.

Those who witnessed the uncomfortable scene all agreed that Crisp held his face even closer than Senator John Kerry had on the infamous day of the 2004 "Toddler Fiasco," when a heated argument between him and a Parker Elementary School student nearly devastated his career.


The infamous "Toddler Fiasco," which cost Kerry the 2004 presidential campaign.

"Politics are politics," Crisp explained. "It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. Men and women, we're all the same. We're all just doing our part in the daily grind, keeping our eyes on the same old prize. It ain't no thing."

Mayor Thomas Koch was unavailable for comment on this article, as all city departments were closed today to observe the Cinco de Mayo holiday.

Mayor proposes $12.5 million budget deficit, expects drops in state aid and local receipts

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Does City Hall really need a Bose speaker system installed in every room? Why don't we charge for the methadone program? Is there anything we can do about dickheads who use Ecstasy and OxyContin to fuck our teenage daughters?

It was these questions, among many others, that Mayor Thomas Koch fielded from residents yesterday evening in his first of several financial outlook meetings.

As the City of Presidents enters what some are describing as a "grim budget season," Mayor Koch has promised to hold meetings to help residents understand where he is so carelessly dumping city money.

After taking his time to outline a financial picture that could mean a $12.5 million budget deficit next year, Koch then took a short break to host a no-holds-barred macaroni and cheese eating contest in which he was the only participant.

"I am the winner!" Koch screamed, as city residents stared in disbelief.

The meeting also served as the first public interaction with residents for Koch's chief financial officer, Nicholas Puleo, a sad looking sack of shit with nothing to prove.

"Where the fuck do you have to go to take a shit around here?" asked Puleo, who seemed unaware of how sensitive the Fore River Clubhouse's microphones were.


Nicholas Puleo, who has most likely never seen a vagina up close.

Puleo then refused to answer any further questions on city budget, although expressed hope that these problems would "one day work themselves out."

Preparing city residents for an expected drop in state aid and local receipts, Koch painted the picture of a man who was out of ideas, often fumbling through his pre-written speech, which appeared to be nothing more than a shortened version of Bill Pullman's triumphant speech in the 1996 box office smash, Independence Day.

"Today we celebrate our Independence Day," Koch falsely declared.

Koch then went on to describe a number of childish ideas he had been contemplating over the past few months, ranging from purchasing a United States dollar printing press to building a "crazy robotic dinosaur with laser beams for eyes that is able to predict and prevent a financial crisis before it even happens."

While city officials cannot say for sure how much a robotic dinosaur of this sort would cost, experts say that it would be somewhere in the billions.

Short-lived Iranian riot grrrl scene results in massive amount of beheadings, new city resident

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A short-lived Iranian riot grrrl scene has ended with a massive amount of public beheadings in the capital city of Tehran, causing many women to flee to America.

Closest to home is Afsaneh "Cannibal" Shakiba, lead vocalist of renowned Iranian riot grrrl band, Hijab Kill, who arrived in Quincy this morning by way of the Red Line.

Recalling tales of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's horrific reign as president, as well as his brutal hold on the Iranian music scene, Shakiba spoke about her brief time in Hijab Kill, stating that, while it may have only lasted for sixteen days, the impact of her band alone was well worth the 300+ deaths that were incurred as a result.

"In my country, there is no music that is considered proper," Shakiba said. "Whether it be Peaches, Lady Gaga, or even Mama Cass, all female musicians are considered to be whores. The men in my country, they have no respect for women. Where I come from, they blame women for earthquakes."

Hijab Kill was best-known for their surprise hit, "The Anti-Pleasure Islamic Nation."

Upon hearing her story, Mayor Thomas Koch agreed to house Shakiba in a two-bedroom apartment in Quincy Point, which, according to the 2010 Quincy Census, has a large, growing population of Middle Eastern residents.

Hundreds of onlookers watched as Shakiba and her hired movers lugged box after box of her extensive record collection into her brand new 3rd story apartment.

"He who dares!" Mayor Koch yelled, as residents huddled together to watch.

Shakiba will be given the opportunity to reside at her new apartment in Quincy Point until next April, at which point she will be given another opportunity to continue living there at no cost. Expert financial analysts have stated that, while allowing Shakiba to live rent-free may not be in the city's best interests, there are worse areas they could be putting taxpayer money into, such as cocaine trafficking, amateur pornography, and Patriots Super Bowl XLV shirts.

City residents lash out as ridiculous hack job is revealed to be exactly what it seems

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Fratelli's Bakery and Quincy City Hall

City Hall is under tight public scrutiny again, this time for using even more taxpayer money to fund ridiculous bullshit, such as the Department of Weights and Measures.

The Department of Weights and Measures, which the official website of the Office of Consumer Affairs & Business Regulation claims "enforces laws, rules, and regulations relating to weights and measures and the use of weighing and measuring devices in commercial transactions," has long since been the dirty little secret of city government, remaining almost entirely unknown until today.

When asked for a clearer explanation of this department's purpose, Mayor Koch merely shrugged his shoulders and continued devouring his meatball salad.

Jonathan P. Brillo, who is listed on the City of Quincy's municipal webpage as "Sealer of Weights and Measures," was unavailable for comment on the matter, however, was spotted by several residents at TJ Maxx, purchasing discount track suits for work, as his job appears to have absolutely no dress code.

"Weights and measures?" asked Joe "Crazy Dipping Sauce" Relievio, a concerned citizen with a $2,000-per-day OxyContin habit. "That seems ridiculous."

Relievio then attempted to back his comment up with a well-educated argument, although fell asleep in the process, falling backwards into oncoming traffic.

Relievio's body was then carelessly tossed aside, where it was then weighed and measured by a city worker for no apparent reason at all.

"He had a good weight to him," remarked Charles Waterbed, who has worked as the Chief Executive Inspector of Occurrences and Happenings at the Department of Weights and Measures for the past nine years. "I've seen better measurements in my days, but you can always put that aside when they have a good weight to them."

Waterbed then went on to explain how he has always favored weights over measures, although realizes that weight is, in itself, a form of measurement.

"There's a lot of things going down these days," Waterbed added. "Me and Brillo have been running this gig for a while now. Weighed a lot of shit. It just seems like things are changing. Maybe for the better, maybe for the worse. With the right technology, we could weigh the whole city, maybe even the world."


Jonathan P. Brillo, Sealer of Weights and Measures

"I love this job," Waterbed concluded, before driving directly into a team of DPW workers in what appeared to be a mix between a joke gone wrong and a catastrophic failure of his city-issued Toyota Corolla's anti-lock braking system.

But not all Quincy residents seem to share Waterbed's enthusiasm for weights and measures, some of them going as far as to actively speak against them.

"A department that does nothing but look at weighing and measuring equipment?" asked Thomas Brownstone, a car salesman from Adams Shore. "Nah, we don't need that shit. That's a fucking hack job if I've ever heard of one. I don't know about you, but I'm all set with my hard-earned tax dollars going to that shit. Let me guess, these dickheads are getting a paid day off on Monday, too, right? If I ever get my hands on one of them douchebags, I'm gonna hold 'em down to the ground and make 'em weigh my fucking asshole while I shit. Measure that, bitch!"

For more information on weights and measures, call 617-376-1000.

Asian prostitution ring busted on mayor's street

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Forced to fuck dudes for nothing more than a bowl of rice a day, dozens of Asian women were lured into the enticing world of sex trafficking through Chinese newspapers, social networking sites, and viral marketing campaigns.

Advertisements for these escort services were placed in the Boston Phoenix and on Craigslist, offering clients "crazy pleasure" in exchange for cold, hard cash.

The Quincy brothel in question was identified in a federal indictment as 18 Newbury Ave., just a half-mile away from Mayor Koch's 249 Newbury Ave. home.

But what does this mean for our city? Many residents are still unsure.

"How can the mayor of our city live on the same street as an illegal sex ring and have no idea about it?" asked Claire Dipset, who also goes by the name Tiffany McNabb. "You can hear an Asian woman cumming from two cities away, nevermind a half-mile. Somebody's not telling the whole story here. Something is amiss."

Raiding the Newbury Ave. apartment complex, Quincy Police Department's Special Victims Unit apprehended Hahn Phuck Wong, 30, of North Quincy, as well as Chong Duk Quan, 41, of New York City's Lower East Side.

Wong and Quan will be arraigned together at Quincy District Court, shortly after authorities are able to determine how to enter and search their mint condition, tricked-out Subaru Imprezas, which, according to baffled officers at the crime scene, have "no visible door handles."

If convicted, they could both serve up to 30 days in prison.


Surveillance photo of the 18 Newbury Ave. location of the North Quincy brothel.

"We believe that both Wong and Quan kept a list of names and records of each client," spoke Officer Nico Haylen, who was mysteriously early arriving on the scene. "The trouble is, it seems that these records are kept in the glove compartments of their vehicles, which, as far as we've been able to tell, have absolutely no door handles. So, once somebody comes up with a way to get into a car with no door handles, we can go further. Until then, all we can do is wait."

Spending his morning observing the police crackdown, elderly neighbor Malt Whitman of 22 Newbury Ave. remarked that “the days of the free-range prostitute are over. The age of the brothel is here.”

Within police earshot, Whitman then ordered over 30 buckets of high-grade linoleum to feed an addiction which has crippled him since the late 1970s.

As of now, Mayor Koch has made no official comment on this matter.

Predator seeks exploratory committee for possible run in 2010 Massachusetts Gubernatorial Election

Article by Beak Wilder and Heather Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Just when you thought it was safe to talk politics in Massachusetts, a fucking alien assassin with infrared vision decides to run for governor.

Predator, who is perhaps best-known for his groundbreaking, eponymous action film, has long since been involved in behind-the-scenes politics, having privately endorsed George W. Bush in both elections, and most recently, donated the maximum amount allowed into John McCain's failed presidential campaign.

Predator, whose birth name is Fred Calloway, announced his interest in the upcoming election yesterday afternoon, during a last-minute press conference in the fire damaged section of the Quincy Center strip.

Interested and uninterested parties alike gathered amongst the charred remnants of Taso's Pizza to listen to the Predator's mind-numbing 90-minute speech, in which he declared that he would shamelessly ride the coattails of fellow co-stars-turned-politicians, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

But, if the Predator is elected, what would that mean for the Bay State?

Some say that the Predator would work tirelessly at repairing Legislative-Executive relations. Others say that he would simply destroy us all.

"This is just absurd," remarked Wolf Sheppard, an out-of-work news anchor who occasionally moonlights as a waiter at Grumpy White's. "There's no way around it, the Predator is making a run for governor because he has already seen two idiots from his first film move on to become political figures. But what are his qualifications? Do we really want a governor who's going to be running around this state with a plasma weapon and a mouth that looks like a mix between an eagle talon and a grizzly bear's vagina? I'm not sure about you, but that just seems unnecessary. The guy never even went to high school, for Christ's sake, nevermind college. If you ask me, the Predator is unfit to lead."

Sheppard's body was then tossed an amazing thirty-seven feet into the glass face of the Good Health Natural Food store, where a massive chest wound the size of a beach ball then appeared in the area that used to be his chest.

"Want some candy?" asked a strange, distorted voice from the rooftops.

Both incidents were deemed to be "unrelated" by an Officer Nico Haylen, who, after sneaking several nips of Jameson, urinated himself in a nearby alley.

As of now, Predator has yet to officially declare his candidacy in the upcoming gubernatorial race, although expert analysts predict that he will do so before the end of the month, as it is a well-known fact that all extraterrestrial life forms prefer to make things official before month-end closing.

Illegal aliens celebrate passing of health care reform with record-breaking Corona sales

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Illegal aliens throughout the city are celebrating the passing of President Obama's health care reform, which will provide universal health insurance for all of America, regardless of race, sex, religion, or legal status.

This new bill will provide health insurance to even illegal immigrants, thus rendering the term "illegal" fairly meaningless.

All throughout the South Shore, the strange celebratory traditions of Mexicans can be seen, from extravagant pig roasts, to mariachi music ensembles, to parades of El Caminos with 13-inch, gold plated, wire spoke wheels.

"This is a proud day for my people," spoke Hernando Jiménez, an illegal immigrant who works part-time salting corn cobs at Murphy's Twin Shamrocks. "If I hurt myself while working under-the-table, I am covered. If I pull a muscle while masturbating to a Salma Hayek movie, I am covered. Even if I just don't feel like working one day and decide go to the emergency room and just sit there, I am covered. And the bill is up to you. It is the taxpayer who will suffer, and I who shall reap the benefits."

Jiménez then dropped his pants and began relieving himself in a nearby mailbox, wiping his dick and balls off with the American flag.

"I love this country," Jiménez added, as he disappeared in a cloud of rice and beans.

But as the dust settles and those who are most effected by this change begin to voice their opinions, it appears that opposition is far from absent.

"There's no such thing as free health care," barked Roger Snapcase, a self-proclaimed "hardworking man" from South Quincy. "At some point, somebody has to pay. And you know who it's going to be? It's gonna be the hardworking American who's been busting his ass and paying taxes his entire life with nothing to show for it. And for what, so some lazy piece of shit who doesn't even belong here can get the same benefits as me? Fuck that shit. We didn't win the war at Alamo so this shit could happen. Free health care is a bunch of bullshit. What's Obama gonna try to pull off next, world peace? Go ahead and try it, brother man. But if there's one thing I'm completely sure of, it's that world peace can't be done. It just can't exist."

It was later revealed that the Battle of the Alamo was not actually a war.

Recent scientific study shows mayor still fat

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A recent study conducted by experts shows the excess baggage wrapped around Mayor Thomas Koch's body is going nowhere fast.

The study, which entailed a dozen scientists looking directly at the mayor's face for as long as they could, took approximately thirty-five seconds, and ended with all twelve participants resigning from any future dealings with the city.

As for what these recent findings mean for our city, no one can be sure.

"There was nothing scientific about this study," complained Dr. Juan "Bleeding Gums" Fernando. "All I did was look at some dude and confirm that he was fat. It really wasn't that hard. And the fact that his dress shirt was custom-made from an old Papa Gino's tablecloth didn't help. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that the blazer he was wearing was made out of potato skins from Grumpy White's, but, I would hope that's not true. That would just be too bizarre."

Dr. Fernando later confirmed that the word "too" should, in fact, be italicized.

"Look, I'm not trying to tell the people of Quincy how to vote," Dr. Fernando added. "But maybe a guy whose cologne is just watered-down marinara sauce spliced with a dash of catsup isn't the right man to be running an entire city. Especially one with a $226 million dollar budget. I mean, just look at the guy. He's about as tall as my 6-year-old daughter, he's built like a Chevy Astro van, and, to be quite frank, he looks like he has the sexual integrity of Ed Gein."

While several residents spoke in favor of the mayor, most others did not, some of the more pathetic ones going as far as to make fun of him on their blogs.

"Mayor Koch is a disgrace to this beautiful city," remarked Dino Bland, a wealthy investor from an undisclosed section of Quincy. "Men hate him because he nags like a woman. And women hate him because they are repulsed by his small shoe size. No matter how hard he tries, the man just can't seem to catch a break, yet still he leads. Like the plump, little boy-king he is, he looks down upon us, sitting in his snake-skin high-chair, judging us like the politicians of old. Empty your pockets, Quincy. The boy-king is hungry. Oh yes, he is very hungry, indeed."

To learn more about Dr. Juan Fernando, please visit the World Wide Web.

Unfortunate typo causes Quincy volunteers to send AIDS to Haiti

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

An unfortunate error in a city document has resulted in eighty jars of the deadly AIDS virus to be shipped to the ravaged island of Haiti.

Joe Schlopp, former assistant to the mayor’s assistant, and now former editor of the city of Quincy’s Volunteer Pamphlet, has issued an apology for the mistake, which he blames on a complete lack of doing his job.

“Got a little sidetracked there, didn’t I?” responded Schlopp. “I was just kickin’ it at my office, getting into some serious Gmail chat conversations, when I realized that the Volunteer Pamphlet was due. I know, I’m supposed to proofread that thing, but, let’s face it, it’s fucking boring as shit.”

Schlopp then leaned back further in his 1997 pleather desk chair and added, “It’s all politics these days, isn’t it?”

AIDS, which was made popular after Freddie Mercury's predictable death in 1991, has long since been a fan favorite among the more talked-about diseases.

"This is a monumental mistake," remarked Catherine Butterspoon, a concerned citizen, who just so happens to own 51% of Tropical Airways, Haiti's cleanest and most trustworthy airline. "Even for a city like Quincy, this looks bad. There's no way to pawn this one off on someone else. If there was, Schlopp and the rest of those City Hall hacks would have already tried. A lot of innocent people are going down because of this. I really hope people learn their lesson this time."

To make up for the mistake, businesses from all over the city have banded together.

After carefully studying a flyer pleading for “More Help for Haiti," Gerald Ultraround, owner of The Smoke Shop in Wollaston, decided to donate two cartoons of Camel Light cigarettes and seven packages of Red Man® chewing tobacco.

Due to popular demand, the Cathay Pacific restaurant recalled it’s shipment of subpar crab rangoons and pork fried rice.

Andre, owner of Andre’s Market in Wollaston, opened his heart and donated five scratch tickets with a possible value of over ten million dollars.

“What can I say?” marveled Andre at his own generosity. "I immediately wrote it off for taxes. That’s right, that's ten million in taxes that I’m getting back. Plus, those tickets are only refundable in Massachusetts, so, even if someone wins, they have to come up here to cash it in. I know that I was responsible for donating 79 of the 80 jars of AIDS, but I’ve got plenty to go around. I’ve had that shit for years, no biggie.”

Finally, a ragtag bunch of Quincy residents have banded together at local tycoon Hannibal LeMarsupial’s home recording studio to sing a benefit song with all proceeds going to a Best Buy gift card for Haiti.


Hannibal LeMarsupial, talking shit to a fellow business partner during a quick recording break.

Dubbing themselves “AC/QUINCY," the supergroup, consisting of homeless derelicts, 21-year-old rapists, crooked cops, drug-addicted thieves, and soccer moms, spent the better part of last night rewriting lyrics for AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” and dedicating it to the earthquake victims.

Mayor Koch to replace Warren G as municipal finance director, vows to regulate City Hall

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mayor Koch has shit-canned the city's first municipal finance director and named former school committee member, Nicholas Puleo, to replace him.

Puleo, 26, will replace Warren G. Sproul in the $100,000-a-year position starting February 8th, and is expected to fall for almost every rookie prank thrown his way throughout his first day on the job.

"It is time for us to regulate City Hall," Koch said, as he sank his teeth into an overstuffed meatball sub. "But you can't be any geek off the street. You gotta be handy with the steel, if you know what I mean. You gotta earn your keep!"

Koch hired Warren G back in November of 2008, having created the municipal finance department shortly after taking office, most likely as a way to distract people from his "personal finances," such as luxurious carpeting, Bose stereo systems, hi-definition flat-screen televisions, and countless trips to Papa Gino's.

Designed to centralize the city's financial operations, which were previously spread out among several departments, the municipal finance department has so far been extremely successful. Aside from the fact that its director has already been asked to leave, that is. But, other than that, everything has been pretty smooth.

As reported, Quincy has an annual budget of about $226 million.


Nicholas Puleo, who most likely didn't finger too many chicks in high school.

Before taking the finance director job, Warren G worked as chief financial officer for the city of Salem, which most likely entailed using calculators and burning witches.

Puleo's new position is a mayoral appointment, which is up for renewal every three years, however, does not have a contract or require approval from the city council.

Puleo, who resides in Wollaston, started his career in government in 2005, just after graduating Northeastern University. Since then, he has maintained multiple jobs regarding budget analysis and restructuring, as well as serving as chief of staff to state Senator Stanley Rosenberg, who is rumored to be Jewish.

The infamous Warren G, back when he still had a job with the city.

"This is a fucking joke," declared Warren G, as he purposely finished his fountain drink as loudly as possible. "This Puleo kid is too young and inexperienced."

Puleo, however, disagrees with Warren G's assessment of him, stating that he plans to improve the city's budget by adding "clearer explanations" and "more graphs," which, according to local graph experts, may be exactly what this city needs.

As for the remark about his age, Puleo chose not to comment, although this reporter finds it funny to think of the fact that this city's new 26-year-old municipal finance director has most likely taken Ecstasy no less than six times.

"I say let the mayor give the little guy a shot," remarked Victor Parcheesi, a known supporter of change. "It can't be any worse than that guy he brought in from New York to go over the books after he first took office. What was his name again, Bill the Butcher? That guy was fucking brutal. I don't even think he ever once looked at the books. All that guy did is run around throwing knives at people."

Bill "The Butcher" Cutting, posing in front of City Hall upon his arrival in January 2008.

"Bill the Butcher was a mistake," Koch admitted, as he did everything in his power to hide the giant marinara stain on his TJ Maxx tie. "He was from the old school and his methods were outdated. I won't even try to deny that. A lot of innocent people got hurt during his stay here, and, for that, I sincerely apologize. Better luck next time, right? You win some, you lose some. Know what I'm sayin'?"

Puleo will start his new position at City Hall in just under two weeks, and is expected to sit on his ass and watch Comcast's FEARnet On Demand until then.

There is no word yet on how Puleo plans on hiding the mayor's reported $300-a-day meatlover's pizza habit, although it is assumed that he will merely pin the wasted funds on the city's controversial East Quincy Zoning Board department.

Extremely bored Quincy residents actually take time to cover old "Phelan for Mayor" stickers

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i870 cell phone

In a shocking turn of events, a group of unknown Quincy residents have been actually taking time out of their fun-filled lives to cover old "Phelan for Mayor" stickers with extremely lackluster "Your Guy Lost, Get Over It!" stickers.

While authorities have no idea who is behind the anti-Phelan stickers, some residents have already begun to form their own theories.

"This heinous act has Father Bill's Place written all over it," claimed Hal Doopis, an "I wear Hawaiian shirts all summer long" type of guy from Merrymount, last in the news after invoking his right to party at Quincy District Court in the middle of disputing a traffic violation. "Everyone knows that the mayor eats an insane amount of Papa Gino's meatlover's pizza. If you live in this city, it's no secret. The dude can take a few slices down, to say the least. But, if you're really fresh on your recent facts---which I just so happen to be---you may also know that he never eats the crust. My theory is this; the homeless in this city are staunch Koch supporters, but not for any political reason. It's because they know that, with him in office, the City Hall dumpster will always be filled to the brim with endless boxes of pizza crust."

Stopping briefly to finish a game of croquet, Doopis continued. "Phelan is a redhead. And, if anyone knows anything about redheads, it's that they always eat their crust. I don't think anybody is gonna attempt to dispute that one. No fucking way."

Doopis then quickly crossed the street and proceeded to beat an entire group of high school kids with a croquet stick. And the croquet stick he used was bright pink.

As to who is responsible for the anti-Phelan stickers, no one can be sure.

Authorities have stated that they have exhausted all available resources at this time, which are said to entail three ready-to-retire beat cops, six kiss-ass North Quincy High School ROTC kids, and one chain-smoking female police dispatcher.

Knowing this information, many city residents have stated that it has become increasingly clear that this mystery may never be solved.

As to how the homeless people of Father Bill's Place could actually afford to have these stickers made, as they clearly spend all of their "assets" on boxed wine and prescription painkillers, remains the biggest mystery of all.

Last-minute mix-up triggers premature celebration by Coakley campaign on night of defeat

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Coakley campaign celebrated a bit too early yesterday afternoon at their headquarters in the basement level of the former Quincy Records & Tapes, where the previously-thought-to-be shoe-in for the senate seat and her followers danced around and cheered, prematurely claiming victory over underdog Scott Brown.

The issue which is said to have caused the misunderstanding leading to the untimely festivities was when local City Hall employee, Joe Schlopp, who performed copying and scanning duties for the campaign, overheard a rumor that Scott Brown had previously beaten the shit out of R&B artist Rihanna.

Upon hearing this false information, Schlopp immediately took Martha Coakley aside and informed her of the news, which ended up resulting in one of the craziest and most intense parties the Democrats have seen in a long time.

It wasn't quite as crazy as a Teddy party---with all the cheap beer, hard liquor, cocaine, and dead chicks---but it was a good time to be had for all.

It wasn't until Quincy mayor and R&B aficionado, Tom Koch, barged in with news of the misunderstanding that Democrats began to realize their fatal error, some of them even resorting to taking their cocaine and leaving.

"I guess there was an incident with this Rihanna girl a while back," claimed Sol Shrewdman, an obviously Jewish attorney who has been representing the Coakley campaign for the past two months. "Somebody beat the bag outta the girl last year, and everybody got all up in arms about it. The mix-up is that, as it turns out, it wasn't actually Scott Brown who abused her. It was some guy named Chris Brown, who, from my understanding, is some sort of entertainment guru. Either way, the names are so close that this is a mistake even top officials in law enforcement could have made. These are both quick, two-syllable names, that, when said quickly, basically sound the same. Ninety-six percent of death row inmates are innocent men and women, who are only where they are because their name happened to sound like somebody else's. This kind of thing happens all the time."

Shrewdman's death row statistics were immediately proven to be drastically incorrect by a passing Easter Nazarene College student, who then dismissed the shamed attorney with a fierce headbutt and several well-placed shots to the ribs.

Shrewdman was later brought to Quincy Medical Center, where he condescended doctors and nurses repeatedly by constantly mentioning his status as a lawyer during conversations that had nothing to do with law, and was eventually told to wait in a nearby utility closet, where he still remains at this time.


The photograph of a beaten Rihanna, courtesy of TMZ, a website for whores.

"I'm glad Martha Coakley lost," remarked Kip Van Chutney, a man who hasn't voted for a Republican since he was charmed by the cool and confident demeanor of Ronald Reagan. "That old bag of bones didn't stand a chance. It's funny that she thought she had it for a little while, though. I would have liked to have seen her face when she realized she didn't. From what I hear, it was the first time her face showed any sign of human emotion. To be honest, I'm surprised the thing didn't shatter the second she frowned. What a fucking worthless piece of shit."

Quincy liberals hold breath as Mass prepares for first Republican senator since 1979

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy residents prepare for the first Republican senator Massachusetts has seen since 1979, causing many welfare recipients to panic, each of them wondering if they'll actually have to get off their worthless asses and get a fucking job.

"I don't wanna have to work for a living," barked Sean "The Couchman" Peppersworth, as he crushed an 80mg OxyContin with his state-issued EBT card. "America is supposed to be the birthplace of freedom, not some country that makes me get out of bed before noon. I swear to fucking God, if Scott Brown wins this election, I'm moving to Canada. And unlike Alec Baldwin, I fucking mean it. And I'm taking my collection of Flaming Lips singles with me, too. Have fun finding a copy of The Southern Oklahoma Cosmic Trigger Contest once I'm gone!"

Peppersworth then hastily kicked the kickstand of his Schwinn bicycle back into the upright position and proceeded to pedal north, presumably to go purchase a veggie dog somewhere in Cambridge, or possibly Allston.

While political analysts and polling experts are still unsure as to how Brown is maintaining such a noticable lead, others say that it is simply because Coakley is the most disgusting whore they have ever seen.

"Martha Coakley looks like my nutsack after three hours in a pool," said Dino Bland, a man who is in no way one of the leading tattoo artists in Bridgewater. "She seems like a pretty cool gal, though. Aside from allowing Somerville police officers to sexually abuse 23-month-old girls, that is. But maybe that's just me. Other than that, I'd love to see another Democrat in the senate seat. This state doesn't need change at all. Not one bit. People in this state love finding out that their Registry of Motor Vehicles has been shut down due to budget cuts, but that illegal immigrants can still go to state college for free. I don't mind paying for illegal immigrants to go school. That is, after all, why I bust my ass everyday, right? You gotta take care of the little guy, y'know?"

Bland then stared directly into his interviewer's eyes, calmly pulled out a .45 caliber handgun, and blew his brains out, spilling them out onto the street.

"I just find it funny that Scott Brown would look better in a bikini than Coakley," remarked Catherine Fennelcakes, a known whore from the Germantown area of Quincy. "With the creeps I usually got up inside me, it'd be an honor to fuck Brown."


Scott Brown in a 1982 issue of Cosmopolitan, living the "rock out with your cock out" dream.

As to who will win the upcoming special election, only time will tell. Whether Massachusetts will chose more of the same, or finally put a little diversity in the senate, we will have to wait and see. It is the opinion of this reporter that, no matter who you are voting for, you at least get out and vote, because it is one of the few rights we are given that can actually make somewhat of a difference. And, at the very least, it gives you an excuse to leave the office for an hour.

Mayor Koch vows to start buying pizza from local businesses throughout second term

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of The Patriot Ledger

Mayor Thomas Koch was put in the spotlight yesterday evening at North Quincy High School, as he was asked by high ranking officials of the Quincy-based Tomato and Cheese Union to begin purchasing pizzas from local businesses, as opposed to repeatedly ordering from Papa Gino's, the restaurant chain based in Dedham.

Head of the Tomato and Cheese Union, Michael Thincrust, organized the event, where Mayor Koch swore under oath that he would no longer purchase from the non-union pizza delivery chain.

Since Mayor Koch's election in November of 2007, Papa Gino's has seen massive growth, opening up five new locations throughout New England, and reporting record gains in all eight quarters.

Mayor Koch, as well, reported massive growth and record gains, putting on no less than seventy-five pounds over his first term alone.

Excusing himself immediately after his sworn testimony, Mayor Koch then rushed to the bathroom, as the impending doom of explosive diarrhea began to wreak havoc on his already beaten down intestines.

Eyewitnesses in the bathroom all confirmed that the shriveled, pockmarked ass cheeks they bore witness to were as repulsive as Kim Cattrall, the aging, washed-up, Crypt Keeper-like whore from HBO's Sex and the City.

Mayor Koch, asking to be excused before explosive diarrhea farts nearly ended his career.

After a most unsavory trip to the men's room, Mayor Koch returned, hungry for Papa Gino's delicious blend of bread, meat, sauce, cheeses, and Italian spices.

"I stand before you a new man," the mayor spoke. "To rule a city is one thing, but to sacrifice everything you love for that city is another thing entirely. And that is what I have sworn to you today. I shall no longer fund the chain of Papa Gino's, who cares not of the well-being of Quincy. From this day forth, I shall only use local businesses, such as Tony's, Super Chef, Napoli's, Buccini's Mister Sub, Nick's, and the other Nick's that opened up a couple years ago on Route 3A, who apparently did not care that there was already a Nick's Pizza in Quincy. I would like to apologize to the Tomato and Cheese Union, and, more importantly, I would like to invite you all up to the stage in a moment, where we shall enjoy fresh, hot slices of Papa Gino's meatlover's pizza. It is a personal favorite of mine. And there's no way I can quit."

There is still no word on whether, or not, the mayor was serious about his last comment, as a maroon velvet curtain drew down before him immediately after his speech, blocking him from the view of all those in attendance.

Those in the audience who dared to attempt entry to the backroom of the stage found all doors to be locked, but all stated that the sounds of perpetual chewing were quite noticeable, even through the thick layers of polished oak.

All North Quincy High School students have been instructed to stay clear of the men's room closest to the auditorium. Repairs to this bathroom will be made courtesy of Chenette Plumbing and Heating, the Quincy Point plumbing powerhouse, who have provided quality service to this city since 1973.

Missing squirrel found murdered on Putman Street

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i870 cell phone

The body of a missing squirrel was found murdered on Putman Street this morning, causing citizens to lash out after City Hall's refusal to get involved.

John "Smoking Guns" Cunnif, the squirrel who had gone missing in the otherwise peaceful Merrymount neighborhood, was found dead just after daybreak from an apparent vicious bludgeoning.

While autopsy reports are still in progress, City Hall has so far refused to release any statement on this recent rise in squirrel murders, which has plagued the city of Quincy for the past three weeks.

Just last week, Kenneth P. Talbot, a fan favorite among squirrels and humans alike, known for his daily walks through the Montclair section of Quincy, was found with thirty-two BB gun pellets to chest. Talbot died later that same afternoon at Quincy Medical Center after three hours of intense cardiac surgery.

"We just couldn't save the poor guy," said Dr. Desmond Shaw, Quincy Medical Center's top squirrel surgeon. "It's just too much to take. Every single day, more and more squirrel violence occurs in this city. There's just no rhyme or reason to it."

Dr. Desmond Shaw has so far maintained a steady 0% success rate for saving squirrels, although promises to try harder in future attempts.

There is no word yet on why these recent murders have taken place, however, experts in this field all agree that some sort of human-squirrel war has been waged. If this stands true, it would appear that the years of constant, unspoken tension between the two breeds of vertebrate mammals has finally reached its boiling point.

Theories on who is responsible for the murders include, but are not limited to, Freddy Madball, the Great One Killer, and the infamous Cardoza drug cartel.

So far, no arrests have been made in any of these cases, as authorities have reported no current leads in the investigation.