Quincy liberals hold breath as Mass prepares for first Republican senator since 1979

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy residents prepare for the first Republican senator Massachusetts has seen since 1979, causing many welfare recipients to panic, each of them wondering if they'll actually have to get off their worthless asses and get a fucking job.

"I don't wanna have to work for a living," barked Sean "The Couchman" Peppersworth, as he crushed an 80mg OxyContin with his state-issued EBT card. "America is supposed to be the birthplace of freedom, not some country that makes me get out of bed before noon. I swear to fucking God, if Scott Brown wins this election, I'm moving to Canada. And unlike Alec Baldwin, I fucking mean it. And I'm taking my collection of Flaming Lips singles with me, too. Have fun finding a copy of The Southern Oklahoma Cosmic Trigger Contest once I'm gone!"

Peppersworth then hastily kicked the kickstand of his Schwinn bicycle back into the upright position and proceeded to pedal north, presumably to go purchase a veggie dog somewhere in Cambridge, or possibly Allston.

While political analysts and polling experts are still unsure as to how Brown is maintaining such a noticable lead, others say that it is simply because Coakley is the most disgusting whore they have ever seen.

"Martha Coakley looks like my nutsack after three hours in a pool," said Dino Bland, a man who is in no way one of the leading tattoo artists in Bridgewater. "She seems like a pretty cool gal, though. Aside from allowing Somerville police officers to sexually abuse 23-month-old girls, that is. But maybe that's just me. Other than that, I'd love to see another Democrat in the senate seat. This state doesn't need change at all. Not one bit. People in this state love finding out that their Registry of Motor Vehicles has been shut down due to budget cuts, but that illegal immigrants can still go to state college for free. I don't mind paying for illegal immigrants to go school. That is, after all, why I bust my ass everyday, right? You gotta take care of the little guy, y'know?"

Bland then stared directly into his interviewer's eyes, calmly pulled out a .45 caliber handgun, and blew his brains out, spilling them out onto the street.

"I just find it funny that Scott Brown would look better in a bikini than Coakley," remarked Catherine Fennelcakes, a known whore from the Germantown area of Quincy. "With the creeps I usually got up inside me, it'd be an honor to fuck Brown."


Scott Brown in a 1982 issue of Cosmopolitan, living the "rock out with your cock out" dream.

As to who will win the upcoming special election, only time will tell. Whether Massachusetts will chose more of the same, or finally put a little diversity in the senate, we will have to wait and see. It is the opinion of this reporter that, no matter who you are voting for, you at least get out and vote, because it is one of the few rights we are given that can actually make somewhat of a difference. And, at the very least, it gives you an excuse to leave the office for an hour.