$100 vacuum cleaner salvaged by raving lunatic

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A vacuum cleaner believed to have been discarded by a tenant of an apartment building on Hancock Street in Quincy Center was rescued by a deranged sociopath just days before it was to be taken away by local garbage men.

The vacuum cleaner is believed to be valued at $100, or, perhaps, up to $500, according to its new owner.

Rufus Sweathdirt, a man in his mid-thirties, who bears an uncanny resemblance to every piece of shit creep that wanders the streets after eleven o’clock on a weeknight, was lurking around the aforementioned area when he spotted the discarded cleaning apparatus.

Mr. Sweathdirt then sprung into action, moving from a slow, deliberate crawl to a full-fledged sprint, knocking over three other pedestrians in his path and diving face-first into a pile of garbage.


Rufus Sweathdirt, just seconds after spotting the abandoned vacuum cleaner.

“I knew I had a big score on my hands,” exclaimed Sweathdirt. “I think a landlord must have been kicking someone out of their apartment. How else would these things end up in the trash?”

Carms McGarnickle, a waste management supervisor, was called into action almost immediately to decide ownership of what was then revealed to be a 1995 Dirt Devil PowerPlus vacuum cleaner.


Carms McGarnickle, taking less than two seconds to tell people how it’s going to be.

“This item belongs in a museum,” declared McGarnickle, after seconds of deliberation.

“So do you!” responded Sweathdirt, who then surprised onlookers with an explosive 50-karate-chop attack that missed McGarnickle by only three feet. Sweathdirt then collapsed dead on the sidewalk, either due to exhaustion or from the numerous heroin needles dangling delightfully from his arms, neck, legs and ass.