Squantum kid and Wollaston kid to duke it out in epic boxing match this Saturday in Quincy Center

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Squantum resident Michael Pacreno and Wollaston resident Patrick Dolgrizzly are scheduled to duke it out in an epic boxing match tomorrow at an undisclosed training gym at 1452 Hancock Street in Quincy Center.

Pacreno was last in the news just yesterday, after being dismissed from a criminal trial at Hingham District Court, in which he was accused of playing several rounds of golf with a piece-of-shit Milton resident's face.

Dolgrizzly, however, has not been in the news recently, although is presumed to be a big fan of baseball, football, basketball, and possibly hockey.

As to what started the feud between the two, no one is entirely sure.

"I honestly have no idea how this started," claimed Pacreno, as he jogged the Squantum Causeway with no shirt, stopping briefly to drunkenly chase a car full of girls. "Someone told me that it was because I liked Snickers, and he preferred 3 Musketeers, but that can't be true. Nobody likes 3 Musketeers better than Snickers and actually admits it. But, either way, if he wants to fight, I'll be ready. That kid doesn't stand a fucking chance. I've been training for days!"

Michael Pacreno, showing off his newfound bicep in front of a model of the Grease Pot.

"There's no way that fuckin' Squantum kid is gonna take me down," barked Dolgrizzly. "I might take a beating from a West Quincy kid. Or maybe even a Quincy Point kid. And on a bad day, if I wasn't really trying that hard, I might even take a beating from a Germantown kid. But I will never take a beating from a Squantum kid. Nope. No fucking way. Not happening. Not in this lifetime."

Stopping momentarily to smash a completely full Coors Light party ball off his face, Dolgrizzly continued. "I'm not sure how this whole boxing match thing started, but, if this is what Pacreno wants, this is what he's gonna get. I'm gonna beat that kid's face in until he looks like Joe Russio's twin."

It was later revealed that Dolgrizzly is, in fact, originally from Squantum.


Patrick Dolgrizzly, watching a hilarious scene from Kindergarten Cop.

Pacreno and Dolgrizzly's boxing match has been scheduled for tomorrow at 3:00PM, and is rumored to be one of the most hilarious events of the weekend.

If anyone in Quincy has any clue as to how the dispute between these two young men actually started, we urge you to please come forward and disclose the information you know, as even those participating in the fight have no fucking idea.