Local piece of shit faces charges on alleged double-rape after night of heavy drinking

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A local piece of shit was arrested at his home on Water Street this Monday on charges that he raped two women over the weekend after a night of heavy drinking at one of Quincy's more questionable bars.

Patrick "PJ" Banks, 21, will face charges on five counts of rape and two counts of indecent assault and battery on a person over 14.

Both women, ages 23 and 24, are alleging that Banks raped them after meeting him at the Commonwealth in Quincy Center. Both women also believe that they were drugged beforehand, which, judging by the face of the accused, is most likely true.

As reported, Banks is already disliked by almost everyone in the city.

"I don't think there's anything more disgusting than a rapist," remarked Matty Northside, the self-proclaimed "Matty Southside of North Quincy," last in the news after losing his finger while trying to save a buck and hop over an MBTA fence for a free ride on the Red Line. "There's only one thing you can do with somebody like that; hang 'em. Hang 'em high. You watch those fucking bastards die."

Gary Delorean, a self-declared victim of Ocean State Job Lot’s everyday low prices and frequent patron of the Commonwealth, expressed little surprise at the charges.

“Look at that kid’s face," commented Delorean. "There’s no way he was pulling two girls out of there with a mug like that. The odds were 25-to-1 that a girl would even go near that dude. 25-to-1! He obviously drugged them. He probably used those Ruffies that I sold him in the bathroom earlier that night.”

Delorean, realizing what he had just said, proceeded to sweat uncomfortably for a few minutes while staring directly at his drink and half-eaten bowl of popcorn.

Bartender Roy Beers told reporters that the alleged incident was not common to his establishment and that Banks had been asked to leave earlier in the night.

“I told him if he didn’t take himself and his scrappy goatee outside, I’d give him a punch on the nose,” Beers said. "Girls are creeped out enough around here, they don’t need that maggot lurking around in the shadows to add to their unease."

Banks will be tried at Quincy District Court, where it is expected he will plead not guilty to all charges, even though it is wicked obvious that he is.

"I hope some big, nasty, pimple-faced, sloppy motherfucker sends it home on this kid's ass everyday while he's in jail," Northside added, as he casually reenacted the ridiculously cool walking scene from Reservoir Dogs, while the George Baker Selection's "Little Green Bag" played loudly through North Quincy's brand new Bose speaker system. "I hope he has to suck every single dick in that place, to be honest. If there's five things in this world that I'll just never fucking understand, it's Milton kids, Braintree kids, Weymouth kids, Dorchester kids, and rapists."