The Quincy Scallion: Local idiot to perform daring acts on rooftop

Friday, January 15, 2010

Local idiot to perform daring acts on rooftop

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Controversy is abound throughout Quincy Point today, as William Sardonowicz, a carpenter's assistant from Sumner Street, has announced his intentions of flying from the rooftop of the Quincy Point Fire Station to the Pizza Hut parking lot below.

Sardonowicz, who may, or may not, be mentally retarded, has never before completed such a bold and daring act, although expresses great hopes that he will succeed in his attempts, which will be taking place this Saturday.

While most residents of the area couldn't care less about Sardonowicz, others have expressed concern, some of them even claiming he has autism.

"William Sardonowicz is autistic," commented Dr. Stanley Rubberstein, who claims to have a professional relationship with Sardonowicz. "His friends and family have referred to him as 'Autistic Bill' ever since the first grade. Trust me, he is a patient of mine. In fact, he is my only patient. Taking care of William is a full-time job, which requires many assistants. Whether he is capable of making a decision on his own is not up for debate. Don't let him do this."

Autistic Bill, posing for a Quincy Police mugshot after a January 2008 arrest for lewdness.

An amateur stuntman at best, having never actually performed any previous stunts whatsoever, Sardonowicz hopes to clear a distance of approximately 25-feet before landing, using nothing but a makeshift flying device, which consists of rope, duct tape, two mismatched ceiling fans, and an old bedroom door.

"I think he's gonna make it," remarked Jerry McPlough, a spicy little pickle from Curtis Avenue, last in the news after getting slapped a record nineteen times in one night by girls at Cagney's. "Autistic Bill can do anything he puts his mind to. He's one of the bravest people Quincy has ever seen. If I had to guess, I'd say that Autistic Bill just keeps on going, even past Pizza Hut, maybe even as far as Lube Lab. It will be an honor to watch that little guy soaring through the air, free as bird, with nothing between him and the ground but an autistic head full of dreams."

Autistic Bill is expected to perform his daring act tomorrow at noon, on the rooftop of the Quincy Point Fire Station, where he will reportedly attempt to fly all the way to the Pizza Hut parking lot, stopping in after for a hot slice of cheese.

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by Mike McCuddy

Quincy Police were called to intervene regarding a domestic disturbance incident on Safford Street yesterday, stemming from a routine plumbing incident gone awry. Dumpling Wong, a local man-of-soy, known throughout the community for knocking over invalids and children on the Red Line, called 9-1-1 on Monday afternoon to report unruly behavior on behalf of Emerald Isle Plumbing and Sheetrocking, a plumbing outfit from the Vietnamese-smelling part of Savin Hill. The incident began after Wong clogged his toilet that morning with an unusually large defecation, resulting from a previous night’s order of fried Basset Hound, smothered in MSG, from Mr. Chan’s in Milton. Based on a recommendation from a drunken neighbor, Wong called Emerald Isle Plumbing, which promised same day service. Showing up three hours late, the plumbers ignored Wong’s request to remove their shoes at the door, instead dragging mud onto the carpet and dropping scone crumbs throughout the house. “This place smells like fucking shit,” announced supervisor Pabst McMurphy, a man who once set a 3-state record in 2006 for saying the word “cocksucker” an estimated 2,453 times during happy hour at Darcy’s Pub. After surveying the clogged toilet for less than five seconds, the plumbers mumbled about needing a “Johnson Rod” at the shop, but continued to loiter at the Wong residence. Apprentice Cork Sullivan, a Shepard’s pie with a green card made out of Irish Spring soap shavings, proceeded to fire up Nintendo Wii, and soon bottles of Tsing Tao beer began disappearing from Wong’s refrigerator. Wong finally called the police after a Mr. Sub delivery man arrived at the door while the crowd had erupted into singing. Police are expect to revoke the company’s Local 12 Plumbing charter, where they will then discover that none of the men are licensed to plumb, or even be in the United States.

Quincy Police have released a statement claiming they have shut down the Andre’s Market convenience store in Wollaston. This act will also be coupled by stripping sole proprietor, Andre Squanto, of his vendor’s license, for selling expired inventory. Andre, a 58-year-old homosexual Indian, who inexplicably wears cowboy hats, was known as a minor Quincy celebrity for his frequent disgusting sexual rendezvous behind the Village Auto School, as well as his memorable stint as Danny on the mid-nineties Nickelodeon program, Hey Dude. Police were notified of the suspicious inventory based on numerous customer complaints, including local chimney duster, Flem Borsiquot, who stated, “I walk in here every day to play the numbers and see some crazy shit. Massasoit behind the counter is selling Pub Fries from what looks like the Reagan Administration, and he’s sellin’ Heralds with Mo Vaughn on the cover. This fuck even has a BayBank ATM in the corner.” Other inventory, such as 25 cent juice boxes with no label on them, Crystal Clear Pepsi, and Mass Millions lottery tickets have been dismissed as “fucking ridiculous.” Longtime customer, Quack McTavish, claims, “I think most people were willing to ignore the dusty ice cream cooler that looked like a portal to Hell, and the leather jacket on the wall that may, or may not, have been for sale, as long as that Andre guy didn’t talk to, or even look at, one of our sons.” Police say the vacant property is expected to be sold to Mung Realty, where a nail salon, bottle/can depository, or shitty bakery is expected to crush the soul out of the neighboring community.

Dorchester Copperpot, a hickory smoked, fall-off-the-bone pork rib from Merrymount, was detained by Quincy Police on Monday and committed to the McLean Mental Health Facilities after inciting a riot during a monthly Quincy City Council meeting at City Hall. Copperpot, an 84-year-old homeless maniac, credited with being the first person to buy a compact disc at Quincy Records & Tapes in 1989, was rescued by police after being attacked by an unruly mob for a series of blasphemous comments. The Quincy City Council was called together for an emergency meeting on Monday to discuss suggestions for renovating the notoriously underfunded Quincy Center, which yielded solutions such as attracting more discount shoe stores, Greek pizza shops, and the construction of a methadone clinic inside the Quincy Center MBTA bus terminal. Council President Lo Hong Duck blurted out “fuck this shit," before excusing himself to murder his newborn daughter. The meeting began winding down around 8:15pm, when the front door flew open and Copperpot ambled in, wearing two different shoes and Army fatigues from the Korean War. Copperpot quickly seized the podium and began reciting a recipe for split pea soup before making a myriad of baseless, inflammatory accusations ranging from former Mayor James Sheets being a bullfighter in Spain, to a mysterious bridge on Nut Island being an elusive second road into Squantum. “Lets kick the shit out of this crazy fucker!” shouted City Comptroller Evan Marmaduke, who led an all-out assault on Copperpot until police were called to remove him from the premises. Police expect Copperpot to be sentenced to six months in McLean Hospital, wherein he is then expected to be released back into the dumpster behind Shamrock Variety on Beale Street.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Local idiot to perform daring acts on rooftop

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Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards

by Mike McCuddy

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