Mayor enforces gender discrimination classes for all city departments, hires mysterious outsider

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mayor Thomas Koch has made it mandatory for all city departments to attend a comprehensive 3-hour gender discrimination seminar, City Hall has reported.

The seminars will be held by Clyde Crisp, founder of Listen to Her, Inc.

Crisp, whose business operates out of the Monponsett section of Hanson, will be flown in by helicopter next week to present a total of twelve seminars, which will reportedly cost the city an excess of $26,000 in taxpayer money.

As of now, the only city department that is exempt from participating in the seminars is the Department of Weights and Measures.

"It's important to treat each gender the same," remarked Crisp. "It's not just men that keep a city afloat. Women have many roles within city government."

Crisp, who earned his associate's degree online through the University of Phoenix, was the former manager of the Bickford's on Mayor Thomas McGrath Highway in Quincy, where he learned the intricate details of a multi-gender workplace.

"It's a natural reaction for a man to laugh in a woman's face after she has asked him a question," Crisp added. "But this is a grave mistake. Women want to be treated as if they were equals with men, not just some cooking-and-cleaning machine who opens and closes their legs whenever we see fit."

Crisp then casually walked across the street and sat awkwardly close to a female on a bench, pressing his face against hers as hard as he could.

"I want you inside me," Crisp whispered, as he maintained solid eye contact.

Those who witnessed the uncomfortable scene all agreed that Crisp held his face even closer than Senator John Kerry had on the infamous day of the 2004 "Toddler Fiasco," when a heated argument between him and a Parker Elementary School student nearly devastated his career.


The infamous "Toddler Fiasco," which cost Kerry the 2004 presidential campaign.

"Politics are politics," Crisp explained. "It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. Men and women, we're all the same. We're all just doing our part in the daily grind, keeping our eyes on the same old prize. It ain't no thing."

Mayor Thomas Koch was unavailable for comment on this article, as all city departments were closed today to observe the Cinco de Mayo holiday.

Hollywood icon Michael Mann to film "gripping Quincy crime epic" in Quincy

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Hollywood auteur Michael Mann, director of such movies as Heat and Public Enemies, and well-known for his ability to bring larger-than-life criminals to the big screen, has finished pre-production on an as-yet-untitled film to take place in Quincy.

The movie, based on Mann’s exhaustive research into the late-1990’s rash of killings and robberies perpetrated by a man in a 9-foot rabbit costume, will begin filming this spring in the City of Presidents, and is expected to bring hundreds of dollars into local businesses like D’Angelo and New England Comics.

The events in which the movie will be based on began in 1998, on a cold spring morning in West Quincy, when an unidentified man wearing a rabbit costume entered the Brewer’s Corner Pharmacy, killing the pharmacy’s only employee and making off with an entire box of IcyHot topical heat rub.

The Brewer’s Corner Pharmacy closed it’s doors shortly after this horrific crime, never to open again, although remained there in an abandoned state until it was knocked down on Cinco de Mayo, 2005.


The Brewer's Corner Pharmacy, which was left abandoned after the brutal murder.

This sudden increase in violent crime continued on throughout the late-nineties, spreading wildly through Quincy like warts on a dick, most likely due to the criminal’s furious inability to accept the lackluster music scene that had plagued the latter half of the decade.

“The movie is expected to have a 3 ½ hour running time,” boasted Woburn-based pyrotechnician James Gravy, who has absolutely nothing to do with the film. Sitting comfortably in an 8x10 jail cell for his part in the now infamous Quincy Christmas play, Gravy added, “I would have loved to have worked on it. I’m a big fan of Mann’s and an even bigger fan of cold-blooded murders, so it would have been perfect.”

Gravy is facing a 13-year sentence for his unnecessary explosives during the Let’s Do This theatre group’s holiday presentation of Robot Cop, which left eight people mortally injured and thousands only slightly entertained.

While Mann himself has yet to travel to Quincy, his second unit camera crew has been scouting locations throughout the city for the last week. A pivotal scene in which “The Rabbit” forges an unlikely friendship with Al Capone is rumored to be filmed on the platform of Quincy Adams train station.


1999 Surveillance footage of "The Rabbit," who was never caught by police.

Capone, who is famous for being the mild-mannered, completely by-the-book owner of Al Capone’s Pizza on Summer Street in Boston, will be played by a dilapidated Ernest Borgnine.

The four minutes of dialogue, consisting mostly of “Hey, what’s up?” and “How you doing?” will be filmed using state of the art cameras designed by NASA scientists in a scheme to upstage director James Cameron’s latest film, Avatar. A roto-scoping, 4-dimensional IMAX lens with holographic thingamajigs is being flown in from the Moon. It is likely to soak up the lion’s share of the films $900 million dollar budget and use at least 30 USB cables.

Mayor questioned after hot air balloon mishap turns out to be complete bullshit

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mayor Thomas Koch found himself in the hot seat today after a hot air balloon mishap, which became the City of Presidents' top story of the afternoon, turned out to be complete and utter bullshit.

News outlets throughout the city learned a darker side of the carpet-loving mayor, as what was at one point thought to be Mayor Koch stuck inside of a hot air balloon, which was hovering over an unused patch at Quarry Hills, turned out to be nothing more than a distasteful hoax.

The hot air balloon, which the city had been working on since last fall, was designed to monitor electronic waves generated by Dunkin' Donuts Great Ones, so that, if there ever was a sudden shortage, they could locate them before the city broke out into a full-scale, balls-to-the-wall riot.

Why the mayor would be in the balloon in the first place, no one questioned.

The hot air balloon project, reportedly coined "Project Crazy Falcon," was set to begin in early November, and is rumored to be the most monumentally fucking ridiculous and expensive idea Quincy has ever had since they demolished the abandoned pharmacy in Brewer's Corner on Cinco de Mayo, 2005.

There is still no word as to why the city had made no plans of using this hot air balloon, which is said to have been able to monitor a single Great One within a thirteen mile radius, in any attempt at locating the elusive Great One Killer. It is speculated that this idea simply just never came about at the last breakfast meeting, partially because authorities have been distracted by homeless people whipping their cocks out on the library lawn, but mainly because this city is run by an idiot.

As to why the mayor would pull such a hoax, no one can be sure. But recent photographs of the mayor performing Madball's Set it Off, in it's entirety, at a backyard karaoke party have surfaced, causing some to believe it was merely a distraction, designed to keep Quincy occupied while he got shitfaced and butchered a whole bunch of otherwise enjoyable New York hardcore songs.

Mayor Koch, performing "Across Your Face" with a couple of friends.

"I'll tell you what this shit is," remarked Marty "The One Man Party" Renewal. "This is some bullshit, that's what it is. That guy had everybody in the city glued to QATV, wondering if the he was gonna be okay. He was about thirty feet high, too. If that thing dropped, he probably would have exploded. I was at Tully's Cafe, drinking with my friends, Glen and Roy, and their attorney, Allen. Every one of us totally believed that he was stuck in that balloon. And then, hours later, the news starts showing pictures and video footage of him covering Madball songs, and starting mosh pits, and basically just acting like a tremendous douche. I think this whole city should find some sort of class action man and file a huge lawsuit on his ass. Fuck that mayor!"

How anyone can be sure that these photographs and videos of the mayor's backyard antics actually took place during the hot air balloon incident is still up for speculation. Rumors of the mayor screaming, "Today is October 19th, 2009" have flooded the streets, however, have yet to be confirmed by famed problem solver Matty Hammers.

"The mayor clearly stated the date in the video footage I was given," Hammers later confirmed. "And he clearly stated the time. Over and over and over again, actually. And there's little doubt in my mind that anyone who once knew how to successfully tamper with VHS cassette tapes is already long dead by now. I may not be a doctor. And I may not be Bruce Dickinson. But what I am is a scientist. And I deem the photographs and footage that were provided to me legitimate and not tampered with."

Matty Hammers, who earned the moniker "the human equivalent of a great white shark," after beating the living shit out of News Radio's Maura Tierney, then went on to add how he believes this incident will only help Phelan's campaign.

Bill Phelan, obviously ecstatic upon hearing of Koch's latest antics.

"Look, I would never go as far as to actually go against the mayor," said Phelan spokesman Willy Meade. "But that was sort of a dick move, you know? If the mayor keeps pulling shit like this, Bill's gonna be sitting in that office again, and the chubby boy will be back in North Quincy, sitting on his fat ass and eating chips. Not that that's any different than his life now, but he won't be lounging on luxury carpet anymore, that's for sure. The time has come for change, and that change is Bill Phelan. On November 3rd, if you're sick and tired of your tax dollars going towards buying the mayor extravagant goodies, vote for the ginger. If not, we will find you. And you don't wanna see my bad side. Trust me."

Cops called record nine hundred times in one night due to insane party

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Authorities responded to an overwhelming nine hundred disturbance calls last night when a party in West Quincy took a turn for the worse. The party, which was reportedly still going on since Cinco de Mayo, was raided by a team of seven cops and a handful of recently sleep-deprived neighbors, although backup officers were called to the scene almost immediately after, as it became increasingly clear that they were no match for the horrors found inside.

"We received more calls about this party than the we did the time some disgruntled Zoots employee started launching his own feces at people with a makeshift catapult," said Officer John Steele. "Apparently, the party has been going steady since Cinco de Mayo, which, according to freetranslation.com, was almost two weeks ago to the day. We arrived on the scene at approximately 8:30PM and found what appeared to be two elderly ladies, one of which was violently puking, along with one of the sketchiest dudes I had ever seen in my entire fucking life."

Disturbance calls were still coming into the Quincy Police switchboard at the time of this story. While officers on the scene declined to comment on the nature of the alleged charges being brought against the partygoers, they did inform the Scallion that all retired Quincy Police officers were being asked to come to the location as additional help is sorely needed.

Vice Detective Bill Schwoops, a twenty-year veteran of the force, announced loudly his shock at the event. “This shit is ridiculous! Look at that guy in there!” The unidentified male, who, according to local legend, is rumored to be 180 years old, was repeatedly seen by onlookers doing his signature pose of staring creepily out the main front window. “I swear, I’m quitting this gig tomorrow,” declared Schwoops. “I do not get paid enough to put up with this insanity.”

The three-person party, raging strong after a fortnight, had not only received complaints from neighbors, but from local businesses, as well. Many store owners simply closed down their shops as customers stayed home to avoid any possible contact with the area. Tipsy Bilboburowski, owner of an industrial waste plant two streets over, was overheard to mention that he would shut down his plant for good as it is not clear when, if ever, this outrageous shindig would end.

"This area just isn't what it used to be," remarked Glenn Glynn, an exotic masseuse who has worked at the Finland Steam Baths for the past seven years. "I don't mind watching kids eating acid and smashing OxyContins on the street corner---never have, never will. That just comes with having a business in West Quincy. But when I can't even walk down the street without getting stared down by some absolute creep in a 1970's silk shirt and a can of beer so cheap they don't even sell it at the Brewer's Corner packy, that's when I call it quits. Those cops aren't gonna be able to do shit about that party---it's just been going on too long---it's become too strong. I've seen at least twenty cops go into that place and not a single one of them have come out. The only thing that happens is the party just keeps getting louder. It's like those three are just absorbing the power of anyone who enters."

More on this breaking story as it unfolds. Until then, the Scallion recommends that all passersby avoid going anywhere near West Quincy, and, at the very least, stay the fuck out of that godforsaken house.

City workers yet again take paid day off to celebrate bullshit holiday

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy city employees have yet again been given a paid day off to celebrate a bullshit holiday, this time being Cinco de Mayo, a holiday observing the Mexicans' defeat of French forces during the Battle of Puebla on May 5th, 1862.

Quincy began observing the Cinco de Mayo holiday to its fullest capacity three years ago, when it's officials decided to shut down all departments, regardless of their importance to the community. Departments such as City Hall, Norfolk County Trial Court, Public Works, Conservation and Recreation, Cemetery Department, Quincy Elder Services, Quincy Housing Authority, as well as all branches of fire safety and law enforcement, all began closing down for a 24-hour period to join in on the private festivities, which are not open to the general public.

Mayor Thomas Koch claims that the city has taken all necessary precautions to keep citizens safe during this day of celebration. A sign on the front of the Quincy Police Department can be seen stating, "PLEASE INFORM US OF ANY CRIMES YOU MAY HAVE COMMITTED DURING OUR PAID HOLIDAY SO THAT JUSTICE MAY LATER BE SERVED," and pamphlets promoting fire safety are made available outside most fire stations. Further precautions include a fancy, flash-based website designed to distract people and keep them inside, as well as a mechanically engineered robot, which will patrol known trouble areas, such as Grafton Street and Brewers Corner. Some Quincy residents, however, believe that this is not enough.

"It's ridiculous," claimed Moranzo Llamas, a mustache historian from Quincy Point. "I went to City Hall on Cinco de Mayo last year and the place was closed. I took a look inside and everybody was photocopying their asses and doing body shots off each other. I had to come back and get a copy of my birth certificate the next day, but I really could have used it on the 5th. It was a bunch of bureaucratic bullshit, but what the hell could I do about it? I guess it's good to know where my taxes go, at least."

"I think some citizens overreact to these things," claimed one city employee. "It's not like we're doing this 365 days a year. This is a day of celebration, and what we're doing is merely observing the day the way it was supposed to observed. It's good to get a break once in a while, and there's really nothing like drinking an ice cold Corona with lime. I love Mexican shit. Everybody acts like all Mexicans are lazy and just sit around drinking tequila all day. Go ahead and try to steal four hubcaps off a car without anybody noticing while you're under the effects of tequila shots. It just can't be done. They're smart people, very crafty. When those little guys put their mind to something, they can do almost anything. Hell, they defeated the French, who had more soldiers than they did, and who were far better equipped than them. And that's what today's about. It's about having a good time with your friends."

Most Quincy residents did not see eye-to-eye with the city's approach to the holiday. "I disagree with it," said Neal Diamondz, a rising rap star from the Hospital Hill section of Quincy. "If I had a paid day off for every time I defeated the French at something, I'd never have to work. This is just another one of those hack holidays."