Man with obvious mental issues redefines waistline, unveils all-new summer fashion

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Quincy Center

A local man was spotted roaming the city streets today, wearing a pair of denim jeans that took up no less than 85% of his already insane looking body.

While some believe this man has simply mistaken the definition of what a waistline is, others believe he may be unveiling a brand new summer fashion. As to where others may obtain clothes of this fashion, no one is exactly sure.

The man, whose name was not made available to the media, due to the fact he is mentally disabled, is said to reside in an inpatient treatment center on Fenno Street.

His name was later revealed by friends and family to be Chipton Smoothly.

Smoothly, who has never made headlines before today, was unable to be reached for comment on this article, as his drastically illogical sense of reality caused his brain to shut down at the simple thought of being interviewed.

Jealous residents and medical staff at his assisted living home then locked Smoothly in a piping hot broom closet, where he was found dead hours later.

Smoothly is survived by two younger brothers and six adjacent neighbors.

Quincy enlists help of mysterious detective agency to solve local ghost story scam

Article by Beak Wilder and Heather Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A mysterious detective team was enlisted by City Hall to help solve a local ghost story involving the abandoned Tide Mill on Southern Artery the other day, which led to the arrest of an evil real estate developer.

The detective agency, known on the street as "The South Shore Gang," has been in operation since late-2006, and has been said to have solved dozens of mysteries in the Quincy area since their inception.

First in the gang is Beak Wilder, a socially prominent know-how with a knack for noticing details, and an appreciation for divide-and-conquer clue searching tactics. Shouting, "Let's split up, gang" in his signature loud and abrasive voice, Beak's capacity for keen detective work is surpassed by very few.

Next is Beak's wife, Heather Wilder, an equally socially prominent detective, known for her good looks, so-so detective skills, and her ability to get into the most dangerous situation possible, as quickly as possible. Heather once got into a confrontation at Hennessy's in Faneuil Hall that made The Bride fighting O-Ren Ishii and the Crazy 88 in Kill Bill: Vol. 1 look like an Atlantic Middle School fist fight.

Third on the roster is Audrey Baloney, Boston's eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst, who joined the team in an effort to solve mysteries no matter what elevation they occur at. Audrey is known for her sharp insight during investigations, especially while investigating any of the multiple forms of rooftop crime.

Fourth on the list is Shawnie Brando, a scruffy loner type who is known for performing his detective duties away from the majority of group. Shawnie reportedly took on the job as a way to impress what he referred to as the "reinvigorated Seattle grunge scene," although decided to stick with the group when it was determined that grunge rock was, in fact, a dead art.

Last on the team is Neal Diamondz, a part-time rap star who dresses like a Great Dane, allowing him to get in close and find clues while remaining unnoticed by those around him. Neal is a businessman at heart, who understands that "time is money up in this world." And it is with this thinking that compels Neal to solve each case as quickly, and as thoroughly, as possible.

It was this team that Mayor Koch called in to solve the "Mystery of the Tide Mill Ghost," which has plagued Quincy for years, causing real estate prices in the surrounding areas to drop significantly, triggering mayoral aide Joe Schlopp to think that "something may be amiss."


Barbara Cuetown, a former employee of the old Tide Mill, which is now abandoned.

Upon arriving at the mayor's office, The South Shore Gang were presented with several large meat lover's pizzas. These, as many Quincy residents know, are a favorite of the mayor's, and were mostly consumed by him, while The South Shore Gang received the necessary instructions and back-story needed to solve the case.

As legend states, the Mystery of the Tide Mill Ghost began in 2005, when local old-timer, Alf Nelson, attempted to spend the night there after what he described as "the most insane domestic dispute Quincy has ever seen."

Three hours into his stay, Alf Nelson reportedly began hearing strange noises from inside the mill, as well as seeing moving shadows in the rooms across from him.

Immediately reporting these sightings to authorities using his Nextel i870 cell phone, Mr. Nelson then collapsed from a ghost-induced heart attack, or possibly old age.

Since then, multiple accounts of ghost sightings have been reported, each of them causing residents of the area to begin moving from their homes, all of them claiming to be "all fucking set" with dealing with "any type of ghost shit."


The South Shore Gang, hard at work in their top secret headquarters on Beale Street.
Left to right: Audrey Baloney, Heather Wilder, and Beak Wilder.

After taking the case and agreeing on a reported $100-per-hour, plus expenses, The South Shore Gang wasted no time getting to the bottom of The Mystery of the Tide Mill. Right off the bat, Beak Wilder sensed that something wasn't right about these ghost stories, although Shawnie Brando remained unsurprisingly nervous.

"Let's split up, gang," shouted Beak Wilder, as he took to the second floor with both Heather and Audrey at his side.

Sticking to the lower level of the mill, Brando and Diamondz began searching for clues, each of them secretly fearing the fact that they may stumble upon a sign that these legendary Quincy ghost stories were real.

Falling into a trap door, Brando and Diamondz then found themselves traveling down an old coal chute into a secret underground mineshaft, where they were then chased through a maze of tunnels by what appeared to be an undead spectre.

Realizing they had lost track of the rest of the gang, Baloney and the Wilders took to the Mystery Beater, a 1994 Lexus ES 300, which is filled with gadgets, detective equipment, and beer cans, to call on reinforcements.


The Mystery Beater, parked awkwardly on somebody else's lawn on Putnam Street.

Calling upon their old friend, Mark "Scrappy-Dood" Doherty, Baloney and the Wilders went back into the Tide Mill to retrieve the remainder of their gang.

No matter what ghoulish noise or sight surrounded them, the gang continued on without fear, aside from Brando and Diamondz, that is, who basically just ran like little bitches and screamed.

Arriving just in time, Scrappy-Dood Doherty entered the mineshaft, eager to assist his friends in need. Also dressed like a Great Dane, except significantly smaller than Diamondz, Scrappy-Dood was able to dive head-first into the leg of the so-called spectre, biting it's knee cap with the durable and accurately sized teeth of his impressively realistic costume.


An artist's depiction of Mark "Scrappy-Dood" Doherty when in costume.

Tackling the ghost to the ground, The South Shore Gang then began unleashing a most furious beat down upon it, all while Thin Lizzy's "The Boys are Back in Town" mysteriously played through the abandoned mill's Bose speaker system.

After a few vicious kicks to the teeth, the gang realized that what they were fighting was merely a human disguised as a ghost. Taking off it's mask and exposing corrupt real estate developer Partiana Tarter, the gang immediately alerted authorities, informing them of the hoax, and demanding payment for their services.

Partiana Tarter, who has been said to work for real estate mogul Sandy Pants, former beneficiary of the Maurice the Pants Man dynasty, was then taken in for questioning, where she was charged with multiple counts of faking ghost stories, implementing real estate scams, faulty business practices, fucking around inside abandoned mills, and stealing ideas from cartoons.

"I'm just glad that The South Shore Gang was here to stop this madness," remarked Neal Diamondz, as he casually sipped on a Presidente margarita at Acapulcos in Quincy Center. "Due to our diligent efforts, we were able to determine that Partiana Tarter had been creating a back-story about ghost hauntings in the Tide Mill, in an effort to lower property values in the area, and then buy out all the businesses and homes in that area. It's our understanding that she had the intentions of building Quincy's largest high-end condominium complex in this section of Quincy, reaping the benefits between her and Sandy Pants, and leaving those who used to live in that area to fend for themselves in the seedy underbelly of Quincy Point, or possibly even West Quincy. All I can say is, it's a damn good thing I was dressed like a dog for this. If I hadn't been, we may have never been able to get as close as we did."

Partiana Tarter's mugshot, taken by Officer Nico Haylen just after her arrest.

"I could have been the richest woman in Quincy," claimed an obviously defeated Tarter, even after being explained several times that she had the right to remain silent. "I was going to build the largest real estate development this city has ever seen, and the profits would have been all mine. I was going to have a plumber install a pinot grigio faucet in every room of my brand new mansion, and I would have hired a personal McDonald's Bacon Angus Third Pounder chef to work for me, so that I could have one any time I wanted. My plan was flawless and perfectly crafted. With the money I would have gotten from this, I could have purchased all of Squantum. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for those goddamn kids!"

Unmarked Netflix envelope causes mass violence on Old Colony Avenue, also murder

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Police were dispatched to an apartment complex on Old Colony Avenue in Wollaston Sunday morning, when an unidentifiable movie rental caused tenants of the building to resort to barbaric violence. Five people were severely injured and six others were placed under arrest following the carnage.

Occupants of the multi-family apartment building began violently confronting each other at approximately 9:30AM, after an unmarked Netflix envelope was spotted on top of the main lobby's mailbox.

Netflix, a popular online movie rental company, where users subscribe for a small fee in order to have DVDs directly shipped to their homes, refused to respond to phone calls from members of the press. As of this moment, it is believed that all copies of Val Kilmer's Mindhunters are still available.


Mindhunters: The movie where nothing is what it seems, and everything is what it should be.

Upon arriving at 136 Old Colony Avenue, Quincy Police officers Chirp Spizzukie and Steven Pants were greeted by every single person residing in the building battling each other on the front lawn.

"The first arrest was obvious," commented Pants, while he carelessly burned a bag of human hair on the hood of his cruiser. "We grabbed this guy who was fuckin' busting his wife's jaw loose with a hardcover edition of Infinite Jest. Now, that's a long book, her jaw just didn't stand a chance against that thing. Nope, even if it was the paperback edition, we'd still be hauling him in for attempted murder."

Mitch E. Obryenne, 32, was charged with assault with a deadly weapon. Obryenne was last in the news after being arrested for breaking into cars in the North Quincy MBTA parking lot using an original King James version of the Bible to smash open passenger side windows. He later fought those charges on the grounds that he was given the idea from the film, The Friends of Eddie Coyle, although this argument was later found to be flimsy, at best.

Officer Pants, twice awarded the "City of Quincy Police Bravery Award" for finishing all The Legend of Zelda games in a row, without responding to a single 911 call, made the next arrest.

"It was clear what was going on," Pants said. "They were all trying to lay claim to this mysterious Netflix delivery." Pausing briefly to unintentionally quote Madball into his walkie-talkie, Pants continued. "Each of the tenants felt they were the rightful owner. It's a great feeling getting something in the mail, especially a long-awaited movie, but what are the odds that everyone in the building had a Netflix DVD due at their apartment that day?"

"I maced the first two people I saw and then calmly got into my cruiser and headed right to Old Colony Ave.," Pants continued. "Using standard issue police handcuffs, I managed to subdue and arrest Mr. Abscondalido and place him in the back of the police car. It was pretty easy, considering he was already unconscious. Someone shattered a full bottle of Dan Aykroyd's Crystal Head Vodka in his face."


Dan Aykroyd, raising his third consecutive crystal skull full of pure vodka.

Mazhir Abscondalido was charged with 4th degree bullshit, being ridiculous, and destruction of a vodka bottle without consuming it's contents first. He was arrested and taken to the Hancock Animal Hospital for stitches.

Next to be placed under police custody was Brendan "Stremi" Strem, 25. Mr. Strem is believed to be responsible for the rash of false trivia information found under 1-out-of-10 Snapple bottle caps. He was charged with gratuitously launching Lay-Z-Boy recliners off of his third-story porch onto the battle royale below.

Val Vickson, 31, Henry Hill, 50, and Murph Swiggens, 44, were all charged with beating elderly Wollaston resident, Alf Nelson, 98, to death, using a giant sack filled to the brim with alligator meat.

Using megaphones and promises of free pizza, officers eventually managed to calm the fighting down. Seizing the Netflix delivery and taking more than twenty seconds to investigate it, the envelope was, in fact, discovered to be only a Netflix junk mail advertisement postcard. Clevely designed to look like an actual DVD envelope, it caused much mischief amongst the dwellers of the apartment complex. When it was later revealed that none of the occupants had ever actually signed up for Netflix, Officer Nico Haylen was then ordered to execute them all by way of firing squad behind the Dunkin' Donuts on East Squantum Street. A law that was just passed last month, as part of Mayor Koch's all-new "Sucker Free Quincy" act.

Mayor questioned after hot air balloon mishap turns out to be complete bullshit

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mayor Thomas Koch found himself in the hot seat today after a hot air balloon mishap, which became the City of Presidents' top story of the afternoon, turned out to be complete and utter bullshit.

News outlets throughout the city learned a darker side of the carpet-loving mayor, as what was at one point thought to be Mayor Koch stuck inside of a hot air balloon, which was hovering over an unused patch at Quarry Hills, turned out to be nothing more than a distasteful hoax.

The hot air balloon, which the city had been working on since last fall, was designed to monitor electronic waves generated by Dunkin' Donuts Great Ones, so that, if there ever was a sudden shortage, they could locate them before the city broke out into a full-scale, balls-to-the-wall riot.

Why the mayor would be in the balloon in the first place, no one questioned.

The hot air balloon project, reportedly coined "Project Crazy Falcon," was set to begin in early November, and is rumored to be the most monumentally fucking ridiculous and expensive idea Quincy has ever had since they demolished the abandoned pharmacy in Brewer's Corner on Cinco de Mayo, 2005.

There is still no word as to why the city had made no plans of using this hot air balloon, which is said to have been able to monitor a single Great One within a thirteen mile radius, in any attempt at locating the elusive Great One Killer. It is speculated that this idea simply just never came about at the last breakfast meeting, partially because authorities have been distracted by homeless people whipping their cocks out on the library lawn, but mainly because this city is run by an idiot.

As to why the mayor would pull such a hoax, no one can be sure. But recent photographs of the mayor performing Madball's Set it Off, in it's entirety, at a backyard karaoke party have surfaced, causing some to believe it was merely a distraction, designed to keep Quincy occupied while he got shitfaced and butchered a whole bunch of otherwise enjoyable New York hardcore songs.

Mayor Koch, performing "Across Your Face" with a couple of friends.

"I'll tell you what this shit is," remarked Marty "The One Man Party" Renewal. "This is some bullshit, that's what it is. That guy had everybody in the city glued to QATV, wondering if the he was gonna be okay. He was about thirty feet high, too. If that thing dropped, he probably would have exploded. I was at Tully's Cafe, drinking with my friends, Glen and Roy, and their attorney, Allen. Every one of us totally believed that he was stuck in that balloon. And then, hours later, the news starts showing pictures and video footage of him covering Madball songs, and starting mosh pits, and basically just acting like a tremendous douche. I think this whole city should find some sort of class action man and file a huge lawsuit on his ass. Fuck that mayor!"

How anyone can be sure that these photographs and videos of the mayor's backyard antics actually took place during the hot air balloon incident is still up for speculation. Rumors of the mayor screaming, "Today is October 19th, 2009" have flooded the streets, however, have yet to be confirmed by famed problem solver Matty Hammers.

"The mayor clearly stated the date in the video footage I was given," Hammers later confirmed. "And he clearly stated the time. Over and over and over again, actually. And there's little doubt in my mind that anyone who once knew how to successfully tamper with VHS cassette tapes is already long dead by now. I may not be a doctor. And I may not be Bruce Dickinson. But what I am is a scientist. And I deem the photographs and footage that were provided to me legitimate and not tampered with."

Matty Hammers, who earned the moniker "the human equivalent of a great white shark," after beating the living shit out of News Radio's Maura Tierney, then went on to add how he believes this incident will only help Phelan's campaign.

Bill Phelan, obviously ecstatic upon hearing of Koch's latest antics.

"Look, I would never go as far as to actually go against the mayor," said Phelan spokesman Willy Meade. "But that was sort of a dick move, you know? If the mayor keeps pulling shit like this, Bill's gonna be sitting in that office again, and the chubby boy will be back in North Quincy, sitting on his fat ass and eating chips. Not that that's any different than his life now, but he won't be lounging on luxury carpet anymore, that's for sure. The time has come for change, and that change is Bill Phelan. On November 3rd, if you're sick and tired of your tax dollars going towards buying the mayor extravagant goodies, vote for the ginger. If not, we will find you. And you don't wanna see my bad side. Trust me."

Maurice awarded "Official Pants Man of Quincy"

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In what became one of the most epic nights in Quincy's past, Maurice "The Pants Man," former owner of The Maurice Corporation, was awarded the prestigious "Official Pants Man of Quincy" award at a quiet, yet ridiculously out of control, award ceremony, held at Veterans Memorial Stadium in Wollaston.

The award ceremony, which was privately held on an "invite only" basis to protect the identity and mystique of the much-loved pants man, was attended by highly regarded and renowned guests, such as mayoral candidates Tom Turkolio and Jeff Brophy, Andre of Andre's Market, and Barack Obama.

Desmond Shaw, a dominant force in almost all walks of life from the Hospital Hill section of Quincy, remarked on his great pleasure in witnessing the event. "This was long overdue," claimed Shaw. "For a while there, before Maurice came along, I was beginning to get used to being let down by pants men. But when Maurice came crashing into the pants scene with the force of a thousand alligators, it was all uphill from there---until he filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, that is. In my opinion, Maurice is the only pants man for me. I see a pants man who's doing a good job, I stick with him. It's like going to the barber. You ever try on a pair of Levi's 501 jeans in front of a total stranger? It's an awkward experience. But with Maurice, I was always comfortable. He always picked out the perfect pair of pants for me. That man knew my curves, that's for sure."

But not all customers of Maurice’s pantsery were pleased by the decision, some of them expressing disappointment. Teddy Padalack, a New York native spending his summer vacation in Quincy, vented his frustration at the business. “A man couldn't even buy a goddamn umbrella in that shithole. Look, don’t get me wrong, that son of a bitch could sell a pair of pants to a fuckin’ legless snake, but when the working man is stuck out in the rain, like I usually find myself, what’s gonna keep him dry? A perfect fitting pair of pants? Fuck no---an umbrella is! And don’t even get me started on that ‘twirling pants’ sales technique. That was my gimmick.”

Some in attendance even claimed that it was they who were entitled to the distinguished award, causing an awkward stir of mutiny within the crowd. This became mildly worse when Kevin Pantopolous, a self-proclaimed pants man from West Quincy, attempted to start an uprising against the event, only to be placed under citizen's arrest just moments later by Tom Turkolio.

Pantopolous was then taken by local police and brought behind Central Middle School, where he was shocked with a cattle prod for over two hours. Pantopolous will be charged with several counts of inciting a riot, as well as one charge of impersonating a pants man. He will be arraigned on Friday morning at the Quincy District Court where he will plead "not guilty" to all charges.

The award ceremony was then brought to a close with an hour-long speech from Barack Obama himself, in which he enthusiastically lifted the crowd's spirits without actually saying anything even remotely meaningful. When asked as to why he took such an exuberant approach to event, Obama merely shrugged and smiled, causing many to believe that it was simply because he assumed Maurice is black.