Maurice awarded "Official Pants Man of Quincy"

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In what became one of the most epic nights in Quincy's past, Maurice "The Pants Man," former owner of The Maurice Corporation, was awarded the prestigious "Official Pants Man of Quincy" award at a quiet, yet ridiculously out of control, award ceremony, held at Veterans Memorial Stadium in Wollaston.

The award ceremony, which was privately held on an "invite only" basis to protect the identity and mystique of the much-loved pants man, was attended by highly regarded and renowned guests, such as mayoral candidates Tom Turkolio and Jeff Brophy, Andre of Andre's Market, and Barack Obama.

Desmond Shaw, a dominant force in almost all walks of life from the Hospital Hill section of Quincy, remarked on his great pleasure in witnessing the event. "This was long overdue," claimed Shaw. "For a while there, before Maurice came along, I was beginning to get used to being let down by pants men. But when Maurice came crashing into the pants scene with the force of a thousand alligators, it was all uphill from there---until he filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, that is. In my opinion, Maurice is the only pants man for me. I see a pants man who's doing a good job, I stick with him. It's like going to the barber. You ever try on a pair of Levi's 501 jeans in front of a total stranger? It's an awkward experience. But with Maurice, I was always comfortable. He always picked out the perfect pair of pants for me. That man knew my curves, that's for sure."

But not all customers of Maurice’s pantsery were pleased by the decision, some of them expressing disappointment. Teddy Padalack, a New York native spending his summer vacation in Quincy, vented his frustration at the business. “A man couldn't even buy a goddamn umbrella in that shithole. Look, don’t get me wrong, that son of a bitch could sell a pair of pants to a fuckin’ legless snake, but when the working man is stuck out in the rain, like I usually find myself, what’s gonna keep him dry? A perfect fitting pair of pants? Fuck no---an umbrella is! And don’t even get me started on that ‘twirling pants’ sales technique. That was my gimmick.”

Some in attendance even claimed that it was they who were entitled to the distinguished award, causing an awkward stir of mutiny within the crowd. This became mildly worse when Kevin Pantopolous, a self-proclaimed pants man from West Quincy, attempted to start an uprising against the event, only to be placed under citizen's arrest just moments later by Tom Turkolio.

Pantopolous was then taken by local police and brought behind Central Middle School, where he was shocked with a cattle prod for over two hours. Pantopolous will be charged with several counts of inciting a riot, as well as one charge of impersonating a pants man. He will be arraigned on Friday morning at the Quincy District Court where he will plead "not guilty" to all charges.

The award ceremony was then brought to a close with an hour-long speech from Barack Obama himself, in which he enthusiastically lifted the crowd's spirits without actually saying anything even remotely meaningful. When asked as to why he took such an exuberant approach to event, Obama merely shrugged and smiled, causing many to believe that it was simply because he assumed Maurice is black.