Shots fired from Direct TV van on Water Street, causing brief streetwide panic

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A man fired several shots into the air as he passed two local legends on Water Street early Saturday morning, causing many people on the street to have to stop partying earlier than expected.

Neal James, of Wollaston, and Moranzo Llamas, of Quincy Point, were sitting on the front stairs of 259 Water Street at approximately 3:40AM, discussing what party to go to next, when a man in the passenger seat fired multiple shots from a hangun into the air as the van headed slowly towards the west side of town.

Police claim that the two men did not know the men in the vehicle, and that the gun was not pointed at them, although who really knows what the real fucking story is.

"It looked like a Direct TV van," said Moranzo Llamas, as he smoked away at his high-test marijuana using one of his signature makeshift bongs. "I fucking hate Direct TV. Those fuckers have been driving around in this area for a while now, I've been seeing them more and more. I don't even live here, we just needed to take a break from walking around for a bit. Unlike the rest of this fucking city, Neal and I don't snort coke, so we actually get tired sometimes. I know that's basically blasphemy in these parts, but it's just the way it is. Give me a half ounce of the good shit and a smooth Belgian ale, and I'm happy. There's a little somethin' for you to know about me, right there. It's just, like, I dunno, I just feel like you never really get to know somebody, because there's always that part of them that they hide from the rest of the world. There's other things, like, all tons of shit. I don't even go in the ocean water anymore. I dunno, dude, sharks scare me. So many teeth. They can just squash you up like a raspberry, without you even knowing that it's happening. I feel like you don't see raspberry in sodas as much as you did a few years back. Remember when you used to see raspberry in sodas a lot? It was especially with ginger ale, I remember that much. 1-800 I Feel OK, dude! Holy fucking shit, that just popped into my head. A little 'Memory Road' action. What were we even talking about? I'm so fucking stoned right now."

Police have not yet caught the two people driving the van, nor have they obtained any information as to the location of the van, leading some citizens to believe that they have no information at all.

"They were some of the ugliest motherfuckers I had ever seen," claimed Neal James, clad in a perfectly matched outfit of Skidz overalls and a vintage Motörhead shirt. "That lady driving looked like her mother ripped her out of the womb during the first trimester, stuck her in a blender for an hour, and then tossed her right back. 'All up in her womb,' as Neal Diamondz would say. She was fucking gross. Stevie Wonder on his blindest day wouldn't have fucked that bitch. Fuck Direct TV. They don't even have Fear Net On Demand. If those were Direct TV employees, that pretty much explains everything. With faces like that, you don't even need Fear Net."

Direct TV then sent down two of their finest looking floozies, armed with firm breasts, amazing smiles, and wicked, wicked, wicked short shorts.

A couple of whores Direct TV sent down to distract us.

"I'm gonna jump up and down," said the one with the white shirt. "Everybody take a look, I'm jumping up and down."

"Looks like somebody forgot to wear a bra," said the other one. "Oh well, looks like we're gonna have to party hard tonight. Set it off!"

No further information on this case has been made available, as all city officials instantly became too distracted to do anything beyond hanging out, chain-smoking butts, and drinking delicious, frosty beers.

So far, Direct TV has yet to make any official statement at this time, as no employees who actually wear respectable business attire were able to be reached.