Quincy residents prepare for the worst as 4th of July holiday draws near

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

As the 4th of July holiday approaches, Quincy residents prepare for the worst, as thousands of ridiculous booze hounds are expected to aimlessly roam the streets, each of them in search of filling a void that cannot be filled.

"This town goes absolutely crazy on the 4th," remarked Reid Donovan, the Montclair resident who became an overnight sensation when it was revealed to the public that he eats slices of pizza upside down. "I remember last year's parade like it was less than four hundred days ago. I woke up in the trunk of somebody's Buick Riviera, covered in somebody else's blood. And that was one of the more mild parades, now that I think about it. Not this one though. This one is gonna be fucking insane! There's gonna be some serious faces getting fucked tomorrow, no doubt about that. My brain is gonna be absolutely destroyed after this thing. I can't fucking wait."

To make matters even uglier, the mayor's office has received confirmation of Uncle Sam Rounseville's intentions of surprising the city with even more of his trademark in-your-face, overly-patriotic bullshit, which usually entails him dancing around like a dickhead with a small child while everybody's attention naturally migrates to the three smokin' hot bitches he keeps behind him.

"That dude is such a maggot," commented Kyle "Slim Dog" Nealy, a restaurant entrepreneur from the better half of Hospital Hill. "Kid, if I ever saw that dude at a bar, I would fuckin' blast that dude, kid."

But on the brighter side of events, Jacia Hearn, the unofficially appointed "Mayor of Squantum," will be playing live music on a float shaped like Squaw Rock during tomorrow's Squantum parade. This live set will be backed by the soothing bass sounds of "Gorgeous" George Camaro, and is rumored to be a well-blended mix of hardcore death metal and smooth jazz. All those who attend the parade have been asked by Hearn and Camaro to "dance around like a girl who just realized her boyfriend forgot to pull out."

"This parade is gonna be the best one yet," promised Jimmy Flynn, a former Quincy resident who will most likely not attend the parade. "People are gonna be getting wasted at this thing. Those fucking cops are gonna have no idea what hit 'em. All the cops in this town worry about is arresting people who are breaking the law, it's fucking annoying. Tomorrow is the perfect day to strike back."

The Squantum parade begins tomorrow at 10:00AM and is expected to continue on until sometime late Monday afternoon. The inevitable court arraignments have already been scheduled for the morning of Tuesday, July 7th, and are expected to be some of the most intolerable foolishness Quincy has seen since the last time Mayor Koch performed Technotronic's "Move This" on karaoke night.