South Quincy declares war on Squantum, demands "SQ" abbreviation back

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Violence has broken out in the streets of Quincy as residents of the South Quincy area have declared war on Squantum, with both sides of the dispute claiming rights over using "SQ" as the official abbreviation of their respective areas.

Fighting between the two factions began this morning, just after daybreak, as morning commuters witnessed Joe "The Rock" McLash, a lifelong Squantum resident, shot down in front of the Beechwood on the Bay child care center on East Squantum Street, or "The Causeway," as it has come to be known by locals.

The shooting was the culmination of at least forty minutes of heightened tension between the two sections of Quincy and was reported to police in the early hours of the day. Officers first on the scene could only reveal that the shooter was a white male, possibly human, and driving a four-wheeled automobile of some kind that was blaring Boston’s “More Than a Feeling” as it sped off.

While this has been the sole murder between the two, it is already being called the worst case of Quincy infighting since a Dunkin’ Donuts dispute led to widescale warfare between the Wollaston and Montclair sections of the city, which has recently settled into a state of trench fighting. Casualties in the Wollaston-Montclair war were last accounted for as being in the thousands.

Authorities were quick to point out that this recent attack in Squantum does not guarantee the same horrific results.

McLash's murder represents the first case of violent dispute between the two subsections since Jacia Hearn and his Squantum lackeys raided the home of Matty Southside, a socially prominent South Quincy kid, resulting in one of the most confusing fist fights ever, as all participants of the rumble were wearing "SQ" shirts at the time.

"This violence has got to stop," said DJ Silent Partner, a Squantum resident who has been mentally torn over the recent carnage, as he frequently performs gigs at the Southside Tavern. "We're pretty much talking about the absolute extreme ends of Quincy, I don't even see why it matters. If everybody just stayed in their own area, the 'SQ' abbreviation wouldn't even be a problem. But all the young punks in this town just won't let it be. Those South Quincy kids just showed up and took Joe McLash out with an outdated tommy gun, it was so fucking brutal. Everywhere you looked, it was just a bunch of white kids going crazy. It was a white riot, that's what it was. If it keeps on going like this, there'll be more casualties than the English Civil War. If I had the remote control from that Sandler movie Click, I'd use it to get the hell out of this country. I'm so bored with the USA, it's not even funny."

“All they got is a band that had two good albums thirty years ago,” rebutted Phil Tang, a South Quincy resident and frequent Hollywood Video customer. “They live on a friggin’ peninsula, for Christ’s sake. Plus, they wear their hats cocked to one side. That’s our thing! That’s the thing that we do!”

While peace talks between the two factions are being hastily assembled to avert further catastrophe, discussions on a firmly neutral location are becoming another hurdle altogether. Papa Gino’s in Wollaston was deemed “too controversial,” as an "SQ" tag was found carved in a table and neither side could remember who had done it. Meanwhile, two unassociated Merrymount teenagers were sent to Quincy Medical Center with brutal concussions after unfortunately walking into the pizza parlor and being the only ones in there without an “SQ” symbol on their jackets.

Until a truce has been reached, authorities have asked that all Quincy residents refrain from wearing any territorial townie shit, as it has become increasingly clear that no two sections of Quincy can ever get along. Authorities have also warned the public about the upcoming 4th of July weekend, and have promised that all those who decide to "act the fool" will be found and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. In other words, stay the fuck off Quincy Shore Drive.