Mayor Koch holds "2009 State of the City Address”

SUCK IT, BITCHES: 100th FUCKING ARTICLE!

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

At 8:00AM on Saturday morning, Mayor Thomas Koch held the first annual “State of the City Address” from Quincy City Hall.

The mayor’s speech was aimed at a growing concern over crime, civil unrest, political corruption, budget overspending, anonymous blogging, and renegade law enforcement officials, amongst other concerns.

The hour-long address was followed by a press conference and public forum that was commissioned by City Hall to allow greater dialogue between municipal workers and the citizens of Quincy.

”Fear not, my citizens,” exclaimed Mayor Koch, as he carelessly spread a heaping portion of Miracle Whip onto an abnormally large hoagie. “One thing my high school education taught me is that, if you pay attention to things, you can actually learn some really valuable lessons. One lesson I have learned as your mayor is that the residents of Quincy are a demanding and robust breed, full of life and energy, and anxious for change. I am that change. Last night, I arrived home late from a long and hard day’s work. I kissed my wife and children, and then I went to bed. And do you know what happened next? I’ll tell you right now what happened; I had a dream!”

At this moment, a mint condition, extremely clean, white sneaker was thrown at the mayor, causing him to tumble backwards, spilling the contents of his hoagie onto the floor.

“Yo, this is bullshit,” screamed Neal Diamondz, a one-hit wonder of the underground hip-hop scene. “The people of Quincy want answers, and they want them now!"

A scuffle then broke out between the mayor’s bodyguards, transit police, and members of the crowd. Jeff Archaic, 29, a freelance alcohol tester from the Norfolk Downs area, was arrested and charged with manslaughter after his wild flailing arms and hysterical screaming caused local old timer, Alf Nelson, to collapse dead of a heart attack.

Funeral arrangements for Mr. Nelson will be held at Lydon Funeral Home on Monday morning, although it is expected that absolutely no one will attend.

Neal Diamondz, however, was unable to be charged, as his starfish-like ability to regenerate mint condition, extremely clean, white sneakers made it impossible for police to pin the rebellious act on him

"Smell ya later," shouted Diamondz, as he dove into the crowd with the carefree and youthful energy of an early nineties grunge rocker.

While the unruly participants of the crowd were subdued, the mayor returned to the podium sporting slicked back hair and what appeared to be a Dracula-esque cape.

“My sandwich is gone, but my hunger for serving the people of this fine city is not at all diminished,” bellowed Koch to scattered applause and coughs from the audience. “We are all here today to bring this city up to the gold standard that it deserves. My leadership and my trusted team of employees, with the notable exception of those currently facing class action lawsuits and criminal probes, will guide this city into the inevitable Blade Runner style future on our horizon.”

Koch then stared directly at the sun for approximately eight minutes before yelling “Yes we can!” into the microphone.

A brief parade then commenced, which featured the finest of the city’s automobiles, some of which included vintage Corvettes, mint condition Cadillacs, and the mayor’s own Jeep Grand Cherokee with a “QUINCY” license plate.


Mayor Koch's Jeep Grand Cherokee, sporting the infamous "QUINCY" license plate.

”You don’t deserve that plate,” shouted “Gorgeous” George Camaro, a roots rock enthusiast from Wollaston. “All you do is spend our money on ridiculous things, like shag carpeting, office restorations, Bose stereo systems, and most recently, a hundred pounds of shredded beef.”

Camaro then hopped the fence and attempted to attack the mayor, where he was shot on sight by the diabetic Officer Nico Haylen.

Camaro was then brought to Quincy Medical Center where he was given a complimentary haircut, as the bullet merely skimmed his signature coiffure, making it the first, and so far only, time Officer Haylen has ever fired a single shot at someone without literally taking their face off.

”I dunno,” commented an obviously disappointed Haylen. “I guess it just wasn’t my day. That kid was just too slippery for me. If you wanna take someone like that out, you must have just the right bullets. Oh well, there’s always next time.”

There is no word yet on whether, or not, Haylen’s comments intentionally paraphrased a lyric from Tom Waits. There was word, however, that Camaro’s hospital-issued haircut was deemed “fantastic” by all those who saw it.

Officer Haylen’s blood sugar level then suffered a devastating blow when his afternoon tea was spiked with the banned Ephedrine-laced energy drink, Speed Stack. This was apparently in retaliation from Val “Swerve Dog” Vickson, a former gambling con-man who owned Quincy Tickets on Hancock Street for roughly seventeen hours before becoming involved in a bitter feud with a waitress at the Hancock Tavern next door.

Vickson was apprehended blocks away from the parade at New England Comics with two empty Speed Stack containers and an illegal amount of Clubman® brand aftershave doused on his person.

An announcement from Joe Schlopp, former assistant to the mayor’s assistant, followed the shooting, in which he maintained that this was still the least controversial public address by the mayor and urged those in the crowd to “chill the fuck out for once in your miserable lives.”

Schlopp then went on to refer to Koch as an “Obama-like superstar” with impeccable one-liners and a keen eye for loose women. “With diligent, mayoral servants in control, City Hall will take care of this," he added. "That’s right, DMS is running the show.”

It remains unclear if Schlopp was aware that he was paraphrasing Madball lyrics, although it seems the entire city is filled with fans of the notorious, yet lovable, New York hardcore band.

The mayor’s Bose surround sound system, paid for entirely with funds from a tax on triple-deckers at Wendy’s, was then used to supply uplifting background music. After mere seconds of deliberation, Koch settled on Basil Poledouris’ “Anvil of Crom” from the “Conan the Barbarian” soundtrack.

But the calming uplift did not last for long, as Cletus “Clubweather” Johnson, a local black, was arrested for disorderly conduct, causing Barack Obama to immediately ridicule the Quincy Police Department until all charges were dropped.

The arresting officer, Patrolman John Steele, a seasoned rookie of the force, was then publicly crucified by almost every active media source but the Quincy Scallion and Fox News, being accused of racism, excessive force, and ridiculous decision making.

”I don’t really see how Officer John Steele is a racist,” commented Audrey Baloney, Boston’s eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst. “He was the second guy to give Reggie Lewis mouth-to-mouth, right after Sergeant James Crowley of the Boston Police Department. Not many people realize that, but it’s true. I saw it---from a rooftop---while I was analyzing a crime. That’s what I do. I don’t know, though, I guess I just don’t see how a man putting his white lips directly onto another man’s black lips can be racist. If anything, it’s a little gay, but it’s certainly not racist.”

Hollywood staple Laurence Fishburne, seen bowling at Olindy’s Lanes & Games during the altercation, expressed doubt that the situation would resolve peacefully. “I doubt that this situation will resolve peacefully,” said Fishburne.

Others, however, remained optimistic. “No comment,” optimistically replied "Silent" Mike K, a Charlestown native with a knack for “seein’ nuthin’” and “not snitchin.'"

As round after round of Dunkin’ Donuts “Box O’ Joes” were purchased by the city in order to placate the uneasy crowd, tensions yet again flared as Victor C., a notorious “Yelper” with no known address, flipped his shit over the lack of plain, yellow mustard.

“Give me a goddamn break, will you? I mean, this event is set up flawlessly, and I’d give the fresh coffee a 5-out-of-5, but the lack of yellow mustard, for which, I’ll admit this much, I have absolutely no need for right now, is driving me insane!”

But as more and more people drank the undebatably delicious fresh brewed Dunkin’ Donuts coffee, frustrations seemed to diminish as the soothing effects liquid codeine began to kick in, turning the overall scene into something reminiscent of the Freedom Rally, Boston’s beloved festival, in which residents of the city are given one day with no fucking rules.

“I don’t know who spiked that shit with codeine, but I’d like to thank them very much,” said Paul McGranite, a wealthy investor, and star of the straight-to-DVD flop, Thirtysomething Wolf. “I feel like I could sleep for days. Sometimes, when I feel this way, I like to run my fingers through my flawless pompadour and just let loose for a while. Now, the only thing I need is a big set of titties to stare at. After that, I’m golden.”

As the “State of the City Address” came to its conclusion, spectators began making their way through the crowd, each of them anxiously looking for Sweden, the mysterious poster from the Quincy Scallion’s comments section.

”I don’t even know what to look for,” remarked Phil Turkolio, a known facefucker from Germantown, who is in no way related to mayoral candidate, Tom Turkolio. “From what I hear, they have that chick narrowed down to living in Montclair, and being slightly older than Beak Wilder, but that’s all I know. Although, I must admit, I’ve noticed that she absolutely never comments on any of Brunk Edwards’ solo articles. I’m not sure how that’s gonna help me find her, but I figured it was worth mentioning.”

But before the festivities were able to conclude, a final showdown between Mayor Koch and mankind occurred, happening just after a black Volkswagen and Cambridge-esque scooter pulled up, driven by the one and only Dink Lightning, a Braintree resident who would give almost anything to be from Quincy, even her spleen.

”Fuck you, Mayor Koch,” screamed Dink Lightning, as she sped off into the street, immediately colliding with a giant piece of iron carried by Tom Turkolio and exploding into a fiery blaze.


Dink Lightning, just before fucking the deal and almost, sort of dying in a crazy inferno.

The public address was then brought to a sudden standstill as Dink Lightning was brought to Quincy Medical Center with third degree burns over her entire body, and Tom Turkolio was in need of what appeared to be a single band-aid.

There is no word yet on whether Dink Lightning will survive, nor is there any word on exactly how much Tom Turkolio can lift over his head, although it is estimated to be somewhere in the thousands.

Jeff Brophy was unavailable for comment on this situation, as his advisor, Wavy Davey, claims he was “campaigning heavily,” though eyewitnesses clearly place the both of them drinking on Wollaston Beach, wearing nothing but diapers and tinfoil hats.

Mayor Koch then closed the festivities with one of his most amazing speeches to date, followed by hours and hours of non-stop dancing and gyrating.

"We are entering a new millennium of politics," the mayor stated. "A millennium of change. And I can tell you without a doubt in my mind that I am doing a magnificent job. It may appear that I am not---to the untrained eye, that is---but I am doing spectacular. You must believe me. One small step for man, one giant step for my career. I urge you, voters of this fine city, to please vote for me in this upcoming election. If I am not elected for next term, I will immediately go on unemployment, and I will milk you fuckers for everything it's worth. I promise you that. And that is one promise that I'm willing to keep."

Mayor Koch was then picked up by a stretched limousine driven by fledgling rap artist, Joey A, who casually flipped off the audience and drove away at a speed comparable to a mentally retarded turtle, causing spectators to shrug it off and go home. All in all, it was a pretty uneventful day, however, when compared to the surrounding towns, somewhat rich and enjoyable. Thank you for reading. Until next time.