Israeli-Palestinian peace talks at Ups N’ Downs interrupted by Quincy-Dorchester feud

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Peace talks between Israel and Palestine were interrupted yesterday morning at the Ups N’ Downs bar on the “Quinchester” line, as fighting broke out between residents of Quincy and Dorchester after representatives from both crews were discovered to be wearing the same Dropkick Murphys shirt, resulting in one of the largest scale blowouts this area has seen in days.

Those who were present at the meeting included Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin "Bibi" Netanyahu, Egyptian President Muhammad Hosni Mubarak, and Louis Farrakhan, last in the news for prevented a major feud between local rap artists, Neal Diamondz and Dirty Dez the Chef.

The peace talks were arranged by the United Nations and overseen by the U.S. government with direct involvement from President Barack Obama. While both sides of the conflict were prepared for a long day of stressful negotiations, none expected the absolute hatred and bloodshed that would erupt from some of history’s most bitter rivals: Quincy and Dorchester.

While the talks were originally to take place in a closed meeting hall in Washington, D.C., there was a last minute change of location, which was explained by Matt Duffman, a former Quincy resident and Level 3 sex offender with absolutely no involvement in the world of politics.

“Looks like this was supposed to go down in D.C.,” mused Duffman, a sly individual with a penchant for being in the right place at the right time, and a voracious appetite for clean pairs of Adidas sneakers. “I found an envelope on the T today with all this top secret info about these peace talks, shit looks nuts. Apparently, Mayor Koch convinced Obama to move it to Ups N’ Downs. The envelope was addressed to someone named “Joe Schlopp." Man, that dude is gonna be the most fired come Monday morning. That dude's all fuckin' done. There’s all this shit in there about how Quincy has 40% tax breaks on peace talks, they offer $50 coupons towards bar tabs for international politicians, and how Koch successfully brokered a peace deal between Germantown and Wollaston kids back in 1996, which he calls the “Good Friday Agreement – of Quincy.” Now, I’m no Anderson Cooper, I couldn’t give a shit about the Middle East. As long as I get a good deal on Adidas sneakers made by some little fuckers in Asia, I’m as happy as a motherfucker.”

Ups N’ Downs, known to some as “The Pony Room,” and to others as “the absolute last place on Earth I’m drinking at,” has a spotty record, at best, for being able to maintain what they refer to as "non-violence." While a sign on the staircase leading to the upstairs dance floor proudly proclaims that: “There has been absolutely no religious, political, or townie violence for 99 days,” there was little else to calm the tension in the air that fateful day.

“I opened the bar at about 7:45AM for the special occasion,” stated owner Jacky “Wing Nut” McGregor. “I even personally swept up the puke and broken glass from the night before, tossed out the coke bag wrappers that were all over the floor, and hung up some welcome banners for these crazy fucks. Although I couldn’t find anything in CVS that said ‘Welcome Israeli-Palestinian Peace Coalition,’ so I just went with ‘Happy Birthday’ signs and mixed in a few ‘Congratulations!’ ones. It’s all good.”

According to McGregor, all seemed to fare well for the peace talks until Danny “Jabba” Jabenski, a known OxyContin dealer from Montclair, walked into the bar and ordered the official beverage of Quincy, a Bud Light, or “BL Smooth,” as it has come to be known in some circles. It was at that point that Steve “Man So Ruthless” O’Hare, a vicious motherfucker from the hard end of Dorchester, noticed that he and Jabenski were wearing the same attire.

“I’m not gonna lie to you,” commented Patrick Crenshaw, the Ups N’ Downs’ house drummer. “I was pretty fucking scared. Those two kids just started going at it, and the whole bar erupted into a full blown riot. All the Dorchester and Quincy kids in there just started getting all up in each others’ faces, it was fucking crazy. And Farrakhan must have thought it was some type of rap beef, because he stood right up and tried squashing it, but they just took that little motherfucker and tossed him right down the stairs. I don’t care how important to the Nation of Islam that guy is, he still makes the same sounds as anybody else when he’s tumbling down a set of steps, that’s for sure.”

Slim Tim McJim, an ironically named chubby bastard from Minot Street in Dorchester, arrived at the bar minutes after it opened, and was present during much of the trouble. “I was cruisin’ back over the Neponset Bridge from a hard night’s drinking in Quincy," he said. "That's when I saw that the Pony Room was opening up early. I almost drove my Cadillac right off the bridge, kid. I was pumped. Usually, when I’m driving back that way, I just 'mean-mug' Sozio Furniture. I mean, what the fuck is up with that place? Have you ever seen anyone in there, ever? In all my twenty-nine years on this planet, I have never seen a single fucking soul in that place---man, woman, or beast. It’s sheer madness, dude. What the fuck is going on there? But, yo, I digress, this time I lucked out and got an early start at 'The Ups.' Straight pounding Stellas at 8:30AM. All day, son. All day.”

Brendan Strem, a 23-year-old from Wilmington Street in Quincy, was front and center during the ruckus. “People were wailing the shit out of each other," he stated. "I put a lit cigar out on somebody’s neck. I saw a dude with a black Kangol scally cap, a gold chain, and a Dropkick Murphys shirt suckerpunch a dude wearing the exact same outfit on the dance floor. People were so coked out and drunk that it just wouldn’t end. Two dudes had one guy on the ground and were jumping on his head like a trampoline to the beat of some Big Daddy Kane song that was blaring in the background. It was like a friggin’ circus in there. That Netanyahu fool kept screaming, ‘I’m going back to the Middle East, this is too crazy!’ I think someone eventually just gunned a fuckin' pool ball off his face to shut him up. I hope so, at least. Man, that dude has an obnoxious voice.”

Netanyahu was visibly shaken during the feud and was later seen being held in a comforting manner by Muhammad Hosni Mubarak outside the bar after the initial fighting broke out. “This was a terrible idea. Why? Why were they so violent and unreasonable? Who is this Doctor Murphy (sic) that is causing such attacks? Your Mayor Koch has deceived us. This is a bad place and not the ‘beautiful riverside resort’ that he claimed it was. I don't understand how two groups of people, both of which appear to be quite the same, at least from an outsider's prospective, can't just settle their differences and get along. It seems so foolish to me.”

Netanyahu and Mubarak were then escorted quickly into a waiting SUV as a full set of turntables was launched out of the window at them. According to authorities on both sides, the turntables were assumed to belong to DJ Silent Partner, a Squantum native who had no business being there in the first place.


Left to right: Netanyahu, Mubarak, Farrakhan / Bottom: Townie Douchebags

McGregor was spotted illegally dumping a trash bag that appeared to contain a female leg into the Neponset River just moments later.

There is no word yet on if the peace talks will resume in a more appropriate setting, whether the mayor’s office will issue any official statements, who won the fight, or if anyone has ever been inside the Sozio Furniture building.