Wollaston Beach confirmed to be absolutely filthy, everyday activities predicted to remain the same

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A recent study has shown that bacteria levels on Wollaston Beach are at an all-time high, with bacteria counts hitting as high as 10,500 in certain sections.

The study, which was performed on a state-owned section of the notoriously disgusting beach, has city and state health officials up in arms, with each side pointing the finger at whoever they can.

Subpar excuses, ranging from excessive rainfall, ocean dumpage, carelessly flicked cigarette butts, increasingly popular beachfront masturbation practices, and George W. Bush, have been the subject of many long and meaningless meetings, causing many taxpayers to wonder if they will ever get to swim at the beach again.

"We're gonna handle this problem as smoothly and efficiently as possible," promised Joe Schlopp, former assistant to the mayor's assistant, recently appointed by the city to be the fall guy for the debacle. "We have a lot of people looking into this, and I can safely say that people will one day be able to swim in these beautiful waters again. We have a lot of great ideas right now, and we're just kinda running through them until one of them works. It's a tactical process called the 'law of averages,' and it's a little difficult to explain to those who aren't in the field."

Stopping momentarily to break wind, Schlopp continued his explanation of the city's plans. "Here's just one example of how we're using everybody's money to attempt to solve this. We are currently rewatching The Day After Tomorrow, which is a fine film, if you ask me. What we're hoping for is that we can actually pinpoint exactly what Dennis Quaid's job title is in the film. I think we could probably use a guy like that, to be honest. He was smart, he was handsome, and he was an excellent father. And let's face it, Dennis Quaid is an amazing actor. Imagine having to grow up with Randy Quaid as your older brother? I can't even imagine the hilarious situations those two used to get themselves in. Who knows, if the city funds allow it, we could even hire the actual Dennis Quaid to cut the ribbon on opening day. You know, after that problem is solved---which it will be. Maybe we could even have a volleyball tournament, or possibly a clam bake, although I'm not sure how relevant that is to the situation at hand, at least not at this time. But what is relevant, when it comes down to it? What does 'relevant' actually mean? Is an unanswered question not actually an answer? Either way, we're all over this problem like a West Quincy kid on a passed out girl. We have a dedicated team of intellectuals that are currently figuring out a way to fix this. We're gonna find the source of the bacteria, we're gonna smack, we're gonna flip it, and then we're gonna rub it down. That's a promise."

There is no confirmation yet on if Dennis Quaid will actually play a part in the debacterization process at Wollaston Beach, nor has any confirmation been made as to whether this clam bake will ever actually happen.