Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web
Authorities are reporting they have found the partial remains of Hyman Siegheil, the Quincy accountant who went missing three months ago today.
Siegheil's remains were found earlier this morning by a group of miserable looking homeless men behind the Bearde's Mobil Station on Route 3A.
No further details on the state of his remains have been released.
Siegheil, an unfortunately named Jew from Quincy's Upper West Side, was a lover of Reuben sandwiches, often spending many of his weekends with friends and family at Barry's Deli in Wollaston Center.
A popular accountant and avid chess player, Siegheil was considered a pillar of the community, earning the nickname "Jew Velvet" for his soft and noble demeanor.
"Hyman was the kind of guy that would do anything for a friend," remembered Sol Greene, Siegheil's business partner. "He'd even help you launder money."
While authorities would not confirm if Siegheil's death was mob related, they did confirm that there was absolutely no way that it wasn't.
Services for Hyman Siegheil will be provided this Friday afternoon by Sweeney Brothers Funeral Home in South Quincy.
Donations can be made later that evening in the form of beers at the Varsity Club.
"I always knew things would end bad for Hyman," Greene added, as he peered through the blinds with the defeated anticipation of a man who knows his days are numbered. "They'll be coming for me next, you just watch. Any minute now, someone's gonna come walking through that door and put two in my head. I just hope I never see it coming. If I'm lucky, it'll happen in my sleep."
Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web
A wild scene unfolded yesterday morning when art thieves carrying high-powered automatic weapons robbed the Frantic Framers art supply store.
The daring robbers struck the 94 Franklin Street location at approximately 9:00AM, according to a cut alarm clock, which was hidden strategically in an abandoned Toyota Corolla across the street.
Witnesses described pandemonium as the precision theft erupted whilst daily commuters made their way to work.
It remains unclear as to what was taken in the robbery, but it is assumed to be a frame. Most likely, one that would nicely suit an enlarged picture of a sunset, or, I don't know. . .maybe a beautiful elephant, or something.
An insanely detailed police sketch of the daring art thieves in action.
“It was crazy,” gasped Johanne Suave Jr., a smooth character from the neighborhood. “I just couldn't believe it could happen here. Maybe on Hancock Street, but not here on Franklin.”
Officers responding to the scene were ill-prepared for the ruthless tactics the thieves employed. Two men guarded the entrance to the art supply store and held off the police, while two other accomplices somehow maneuvered past the legendary Frantic Framers security system. Possibly by using freestyle walking techniques or some form of improvised dancing.
Up until now, no one has ever successfully stolen anything from Frantic Framers. This is either because of the high-grade, stainless steel padlock used to secure their front door, or because heroin addicts and high school kids prefer to rob more interesting places.
Head security guard at the store, Alf Nelson, was murdered almost immediately with several point blank punches to the thorax. His shattered corpse was then carelessly tossed into a dumpster nearby, where it is still presumed to be.
In a strange turn of events, Hannibal LeMarsupial, Quincy's leading collector of wooden picture frames, called up a local radio station to announce that he would not rest until the culprits were brought to justice.
LeMarsupial, live on Quincy's WJDA Radio, talking some straight-up shit.
The frame that was allegedly taken is a rare 1994 wooden frame, which is believed by many to be the only one of it's kind in the South Shore area.
Article by Beak Wilder and Heather Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web
A mysterious detective team was enlisted by City Hall to help solve a local ghost story involving the abandoned Tide Mill on Southern Artery the other day, which led to the arrest of an evil real estate developer.
The detective agency, known on the street as "The South Shore Gang," has been in operation since late-2006, and has been said to have solved dozens of mysteries in the Quincy area since their inception.
First in the gang is Beak Wilder, a socially prominent know-how with a knack for noticing details, and an appreciation for divide-and-conquer clue searching tactics. Shouting, "Let's split up, gang" in his signature loud and abrasive voice, Beak's capacity for keen detective work is surpassed by very few.
Next is Beak's wife, Heather Wilder, an equally socially prominent detective, known for her good looks, so-so detective skills, and her ability to get into the most dangerous situation possible, as quickly as possible. Heather once got into a confrontation at Hennessy's in Faneuil Hall that made The Bride fighting O-Ren Ishii and the Crazy 88 in Kill Bill: Vol. 1 look like an Atlantic Middle School fist fight.
Third on the roster is Audrey Baloney, Boston's eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst, who joined the team in an effort to solve mysteries no matter what elevation they occur at. Audrey is known for her sharp insight during investigations, especially while investigating any of the multiple forms of rooftop crime.
Fourth on the list is Shawnie Brando, a scruffy loner type who is known for performing his detective duties away from the majority of group. Shawnie reportedly took on the job as a way to impress what he referred to as the "reinvigorated Seattle grunge scene," although decided to stick with the group when it was determined that grunge rock was, in fact, a dead art.
Last on the team is Neal Diamondz, a part-time rap star who dresses like a Great Dane, allowing him to get in close and find clues while remaining unnoticed by those around him. Neal is a businessman at heart, who understands that "time is money up in this world." And it is with this thinking that compels Neal to solve each case as quickly, and as thoroughly, as possible.
It was this team that Mayor Koch called in to solve the "Mystery of the Tide Mill Ghost," which has plagued Quincy for years, causing real estate prices in the surrounding areas to drop significantly, triggering mayoral aide Joe Schlopp to think that "something may be amiss."
Barbara Cuetown, a former employee of the old Tide Mill, which is now abandoned.
Upon arriving at the mayor's office, The South Shore Gang were presented with several large meat lover's pizzas. These, as many Quincy residents know, are a favorite of the mayor's, and were mostly consumed by him, while The South Shore Gang received the necessary instructions and back-story needed to solve the case.
As legend states, the Mystery of the Tide Mill Ghost began in 2005, when local old-timer, Alf Nelson, attempted to spend the night there after what he described as "the most insane domestic dispute Quincy has ever seen."
Three hours into his stay, Alf Nelson reportedly began hearing strange noises from inside the mill, as well as seeing moving shadows in the rooms across from him.
Immediately reporting these sightings to authorities using his Nextel i870 cell phone, Mr. Nelson then collapsed from a ghost-induced heart attack, or possibly old age.
Since then, multiple accounts of ghost sightings have been reported, each of them causing residents of the area to begin moving from their homes, all of them claiming to be "all fucking set" with dealing with "any type of ghost shit."
The South Shore Gang, hard at work in their top secret headquarters on Beale Street.
Left to right: Audrey Baloney, Heather Wilder, and Beak Wilder.
After taking the case and agreeing on a reported $100-per-hour, plus expenses, The South Shore Gang wasted no time getting to the bottom of The Mystery of the Tide Mill. Right off the bat, Beak Wilder sensed that something wasn't right about these ghost stories, although Shawnie Brando remained unsurprisingly nervous.
"Let's split up, gang," shouted Beak Wilder, as he took to the second floor with both Heather and Audrey at his side.
Sticking to the lower level of the mill, Brando and Diamondz began searching for clues, each of them secretly fearing the fact that they may stumble upon a sign that these legendary Quincy ghost stories were real.
Falling into a trap door, Brando and Diamondz then found themselves traveling down an old coal chute into a secret underground mineshaft, where they were then chased through a maze of tunnels by what appeared to be an undead spectre.
Realizing they had lost track of the rest of the gang, Baloney and the Wilders took to the Mystery Beater, a 1994 Lexus ES 300, which is filled with gadgets, detective equipment, and beer cans, to call on reinforcements.
The Mystery Beater, parked awkwardly on somebody else's lawn on Putnam Street.Calling upon their old friend, Mark "Scrappy-Dood" Doherty, Baloney and the Wilders went back into the Tide Mill to retrieve the remainder of their gang.
No matter what ghoulish noise or sight surrounded them, the gang continued on without fear, aside from Brando and Diamondz, that is, who basically just ran like little bitches and screamed.
Arriving just in time, Scrappy-Dood Doherty entered the mineshaft, eager to assist his friends in need. Also dressed like a Great Dane, except significantly smaller than Diamondz, Scrappy-Dood was able to dive head-first into the leg of the so-called spectre, biting it's knee cap with the durable and accurately sized teeth of his impressively realistic costume.
An artist's depiction of Mark "Scrappy-Dood" Doherty when in costume.
Tackling the ghost to the ground, The South Shore Gang then began unleashing a most furious beat down upon it, all while Thin Lizzy's "The Boys are Back in Town" mysteriously played through the abandoned mill's Bose speaker system.
After a few vicious kicks to the teeth, the gang realized that what they were fighting was merely a human disguised as a ghost. Taking off it's mask and exposing corrupt real estate developer Partiana Tarter, the gang immediately alerted authorities, informing them of the hoax, and demanding payment for their services.
Partiana Tarter, who has been said to work for real estate mogul Sandy Pants, former beneficiary of the Maurice the Pants Man dynasty, was then taken in for questioning, where she was charged with multiple counts of faking ghost stories, implementing real estate scams, faulty business practices, fucking around inside abandoned mills, and stealing ideas from cartoons.
"I'm just glad that The South Shore Gang was here to stop this madness," remarked Neal Diamondz, as he casually sipped on a Presidente margarita at Acapulcos in Quincy Center. "Due to our diligent efforts, we were able to determine that Partiana Tarter had been creating a back-story about ghost hauntings in the Tide Mill, in an effort to lower property values in the area, and then buy out all the businesses and homes in that area. It's our understanding that she had the intentions of building Quincy's largest high-end condominium complex in this section of Quincy, reaping the benefits between her and Sandy Pants, and leaving those who used to live in that area to fend for themselves in the seedy underbelly of Quincy Point, or possibly even West Quincy. All I can say is, it's a damn good thing I was dressed like a dog for this. If I hadn't been, we may have never been able to get as close as we did."
Partiana Tarter's mugshot, taken by Officer Nico Haylen just after her arrest.
"I could have been the richest woman in Quincy," claimed an obviously defeated Tarter, even after being explained several times that she had the right to remain silent. "I was going to build the largest real estate development this city has ever seen, and the profits would have been all mine. I was going to have a plumber install a pinot grigio faucet in every room of my brand new mansion, and I would have hired a personal McDonald's Bacon Angus Third Pounder chef to work for me, so that I could have one any time I wanted. My plan was flawless and perfectly crafted. With the money I would have gotten from this, I could have purchased all of Squantum. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for those goddamn kids!"
Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web
A war between a biker gang and skinheads has erupted in the streets of Quincy, causing many residents to become increasingly annoyed by the overbearing sound of loud motorcycle engines and vague threats of separate economic and cultural development for whites.
As reported by authorities, the war began when a group of white separatists, known as the League of Extraordinarily Anglo Dudes, (or "L.E.A.D." for short), arrived in the city, and began setting up a new cigar shop in North Quincy.
This, of course, did not go over well with the Sons of Granite, the Quincy-based motorcycle gang responsible for nearly a dozen traffic violations and misdemeanors over the past twelve years.
The initial fighting, as police reports say, began after Jackson Telmax, Vice President of the Sons of Granite, allegedly walked past the North Quincy cigar shop and was taunted by the League of Extraordinarily Anglo Dude's head henchman, Renny Hollrins, for having such pristine white sneakers.
It was at this point that Telmax struck a hauntingly attractive pose and engaged in what was reported as "the longest staring contest Quincy has ever seen since the first time Officer Nico Haylen met eyes with local rap artist, Neal Diamondz."
"It's a war zone out there," remarked Jemma Hanshee, a resident of North Quincy, and author of Pregnant Women are Disgusting: Seriously, Why So Fat? "I was at the Chantey last week and a fight almost broke out. Can you believe that? It was a pretty intense scene. All the skinheads were just flipping the bikers off and calling them names. They kept calling Jackson Telmax 'pretty boy' and 'adorable,' and stuff like that. I felt really bad for him. He couldn't even finish his Michelob Ultra. He was that fucking hurt by what they were saying. My heart really goes out to him. He's a great guy. And for someone who's such a pretty boy, he really is adorable."
Renny Hollrins, totally unwilling to put up with any form of shit from anyone.
The fighting only worsened days later when Jackson Telmax found a complete bottle of his Aussie Aussome Volume Hair Spray Gel Fusion emptied out in his bathroom sink, causing him to fly into a rampage that left him with eight bloody knuckles, three broken toothbrushes, and a completely devastated toilet basin.
Immediately filing a report against the League of Extraordinarily Anglo Dudes with the Norfolk County Sheriff's Office, Telmax then took it to the streets to commence in a battle to define all battles.
Stopping briefly to fix his untreated hair, Telmax then met eyes with several members of the skinhead organization, causing him to hop back onto his Harley Davidson and head back to the center of town as fast as he could, where he, yet again, enlisted the help of local law enforcement, as opposed to just fucking handling it.
Jackson Telmax, pleading with the sheriff's office to help him get his hair product back.
"He was really out of sorts," said Deputy Sheriff Johnny Doright. "I've never seen Jackson that upset before. Personally, I thought his hair looked great. If you ask me, it was perfect. And his sneakers were immaculate. How that man is able to constantly travel through the long-forgotten dusty highway trails of Quincy all day long and keep his sneakers so white and pure, I'll never understand. But I'm not here to figure out life's mysteries. I'm here to protect and serve, and that's exactly what I do best. So, I hopped in my cruiser and I interrogated the League about his hair product, but they didn't seem to know anything about it. I asked them straight up and they said they had no idea what I was talking about, so there really wasn't anything I could about it. I don't really know what purpose they'd have with such an industrial strength spray gel, anyway. I mean, we are talking about skinheads, right?"
Authorities have asked that all residents please stay clear of any bikers and skinheads for the time being, and that all those who may be involved to keep their "colors" at home.
"What kind of a city would tell colored people to stay home?" barked Craig Jefferson, an African American resident of Merrymount, who has a knack for misinterpreting things. "This is complete bullshit."
No further information on this ongoing war is known, although it is expected that it will merely continue on in the passive-aggressive manner in which it started, as all Quincy beefs do.
As of the time of this article, Jackson Telmax has not been reimbursed for his spray gel, nor has anyone come forward with information as to who was responsible for the most vicious and inhumane act that has divided the city in two.
Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web
With the passing of one-time New England Mafia underboss, Gennaro "Jerry" Angiulo, many gangs within the South Shore organized crime world have set forth in a race to take control of his criminal activities in Quincy, each of them claiming rightful occupancy to an empire that has been plagued with constant calamity and blundering mishaps since the early 1950s.
Angiulo died this past Saturday at Massachusetts General Hospital of renal failure due to a kidney disease. He was 90-years-old.
Part of the Providence-based Patriarca crime family, sometimes referred to as "The Office," the Boston faction of La Cosa Nostra has been overwhelmed with untimely deaths and lengthy prison sentences since the 1960s. Most notably, this is due to the fact that James "Whitey" Bulger, head of Boston’s Winter Hill Gang, had been a longtime FBI informant, using this power to manipulate scenarios in his favor, shifting the balance of power to the Irish gangs.
"You never rat to the feds---never---no matter what," said Silent Mike K., a man who once allegedly witnessed a Charlestown native beat another man over the head with a lead pipe for a record-breaking thirty-seven hours and refused to comment about it. "No further comments."
Silent Mike K. was later seen at Jenny’s Pizza in Charlestown, refusing to comment any further when asked if he would "like mayonnaise on his Italian sub."
An unhappy law enforcement official, holding up a shirt he confiscated from Silent Mike K.
One of the most prominent gangs in the area that has declared control of the South Shore’s underworld is the Spicy Boys, a gang of miscreants, led by Patrick "The Metronome" Crenshaw.
The Spicy Boys were last in the news after a failed attempt to use their influence in the Teamsters union to keep Dee Dee’s Lounge in Wollaston open for business.
The Spicy Boys, getting ready for an insane brawl on a Wollaston rooftop.
Clad in red sneakers and red t-shirts, the Spicy Boys have long been considered one of the most prominent gangs of Wollaston Center, basing their operations at Tony’s Pizza on Hancock Street.
"Any criminal activities in the South Shore should rightfully go to the Spicy Boys," claimed Crenshaw, who plays drums in his spare time with various rock acts throughout the area. "Everything south of Boston and north of Braintree is ours. Anybody who thinks otherwise is gonna get a fucking blast-beat to the head. I haven’t been eating shitty slices from Tony’s Pizza for the past ten years just so I could be told I can’t get what’s mine."
Patrick Crenshaw, plotting his next move while waiting for a slice at Tony's Pizza.
Another splinter group of the South Shore crime syndicate is the Super Happy Fun Gang, led by James "Jimmy the Destroyer" Flynn, who was last in the public eye after being indicted for running bootlegged Slapshot demos through abandoned MBTA subway tunnels in Boston.
Wearing out-of-fashion clothing with the logos of since-defunct brand names and sports teams, the Wollaston Beach-based Super Happy Fun Gang has always had a reputation for their love of irony. This can best be explained by the time when chief enforcer, R. Dick Bowski, tortured rival gang member, Joseph "The Minuteman" Grapucci, for exactly one minute.
"Patrick Crenshaw doesn’t know what he’s talking about," said Flynn. "All of Gennaro Angiulo’s interests south of Boston should go to us. The Super Happy Fun Gang has ties to Providence that the Spicy Boys could never even hope to achieve. My band used to play the Living Room in Providence Center all the time. We’re the ones who put the South Shore back on the map, and we’re the ones who are going to reap the benefits of that. Take my word for it. It’s happening today. You people always wanna run your mouth like it won’t come back to haunt you. Well, I’ll tell you this much: you give us lip, we give you pain. End of story."
Jimmy Flynn, proving his love for the Boston area by posing in front of a WBCN banner.
Last, but not least, on the list in the race for power in South Shore’s criminal underworld are the Roots Rock All-Stars, a group of Americana-style musicians and street thugs, led by the infamous "Gorgeous" George Camaro, a social misfit with nothing to lose.
Dressed in the drab clothing of a group of traveling troubadours, Camaro and his gang have been able to evade the attention of authorities for quite some time, making little attempt to be known in the public eye, often being confused for being normal, everyday people.
"Jimmy Flynn is a fucking dipshit," Camaro said. "If there’s any gang out there that deserves the right to run the South Shore, it’s the Roots Rock All-Stars. All these other gangs are just acting like they’re hard, but they don’t know what it’s like to run a criminal enterprise. The harder they come, the harder they fall. And anybody who opposes us can learn that the hard way."
George Camaro (far right), rocking people's socks off with the cold, hard blues.
"This is gonna be one of the bloodiest battles ever," predicted Mike Triangle, an all-around nice guy from the Mount Wollaston section of Quincy. "I've already seen three people get slapped over this. Right in the fucking face, too. I haven't seen anything this brutal since the time White Trash Rob from Blood for Blood hosted Wheel of Fortune for a week while Pat Sajak was recuperating from a vasectomy. I don't care how much a vowel costs, the shit that dude was saying to Vanna White was fucking priceless!"
There is still no confirmation as to which South Shore gang will prevail in this battle for power, nor is there any word on whether, or not, either of the three realize that Gennaro Angiulo had not actually been in control of the Boston area’s organized crime world since the late-1980s, as he was convicted of racketeering charges and had been sent to federal prison for over twenty years.
But no matter what the outcome, one thing can be sure: in the coming days, there will be blood. And those who are left standing will have to come to terms with the fact that there is no open seat for the taking. More on this developing story will be made available as it unfolds.
visitors since August 27th, 2009. All articles written by Wilder-Edwards unless noted otherwise. ~ The Scally©