City workers yet again take paid day off to celebrate bullshit holiday

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy city employees have yet again been given a paid day off to celebrate a bullshit holiday, this time being Cinco de Mayo, a holiday observing the Mexicans' defeat of French forces during the Battle of Puebla on May 5th, 1862.

Quincy began observing the Cinco de Mayo holiday to its fullest capacity three years ago, when it's officials decided to shut down all departments, regardless of their importance to the community. Departments such as City Hall, Norfolk County Trial Court, Public Works, Conservation and Recreation, Cemetery Department, Quincy Elder Services, Quincy Housing Authority, as well as all branches of fire safety and law enforcement, all began closing down for a 24-hour period to join in on the private festivities, which are not open to the general public.

Mayor Thomas Koch claims that the city has taken all necessary precautions to keep citizens safe during this day of celebration. A sign on the front of the Quincy Police Department can be seen stating, "PLEASE INFORM US OF ANY CRIMES YOU MAY HAVE COMMITTED DURING OUR PAID HOLIDAY SO THAT JUSTICE MAY LATER BE SERVED," and pamphlets promoting fire safety are made available outside most fire stations. Further precautions include a fancy, flash-based website designed to distract people and keep them inside, as well as a mechanically engineered robot, which will patrol known trouble areas, such as Grafton Street and Brewers Corner. Some Quincy residents, however, believe that this is not enough.

"It's ridiculous," claimed Moranzo Llamas, a mustache historian from Quincy Point. "I went to City Hall on Cinco de Mayo last year and the place was closed. I took a look inside and everybody was photocopying their asses and doing body shots off each other. I had to come back and get a copy of my birth certificate the next day, but I really could have used it on the 5th. It was a bunch of bureaucratic bullshit, but what the hell could I do about it? I guess it's good to know where my taxes go, at least."

"I think some citizens overreact to these things," claimed one city employee. "It's not like we're doing this 365 days a year. This is a day of celebration, and what we're doing is merely observing the day the way it was supposed to observed. It's good to get a break once in a while, and there's really nothing like drinking an ice cold Corona with lime. I love Mexican shit. Everybody acts like all Mexicans are lazy and just sit around drinking tequila all day. Go ahead and try to steal four hubcaps off a car without anybody noticing while you're under the effects of tequila shots. It just can't be done. They're smart people, very crafty. When those little guys put their mind to something, they can do almost anything. Hell, they defeated the French, who had more soldiers than they did, and who were far better equipped than them. And that's what today's about. It's about having a good time with your friends."

Most Quincy residents did not see eye-to-eye with the city's approach to the holiday. "I disagree with it," said Neal Diamondz, a rising rap star from the Hospital Hill section of Quincy. "If I had a paid day off for every time I defeated the French at something, I'd never have to work. This is just another one of those hack holidays."