The Quincy Scallion: Quincy legend gets mind-fuckingly stoned, grabs microphone at peaceful meat raffle

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Quincy legend gets mind-fuckingly stoned, grabs microphone at peaceful meat raffle

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A meat raffle was forced to come to an abrupt conclusion last night when Moranzo Llamas, 26, a well-known day laborer from West Quincy, forcefully took over the microphone during, what was otherwise, an enjoyable night for everyone.

"I had no idea what he was doing," claimed Radek Foozbowski, who has managed the weekly event for the past three years. "He was so fucking stoned. You could see it in his eyes. I've never seen anybody that stoned before. If he ran right up to me and started eating my face, I wouldn't have been surprised. He was that fucking stoned. It was kind of a lizard move, but whatever."

Others who were present were just as shocked and appalled. "The kid was out of his mind," stated Richard Bockingclam, treasurer of the Knights of Columbus in North Quincy. "He just grabbed the microphone and started screaming. 'I have seen the mythical East Quincy,' he said. 'I have chosen the path of righteousness, and I have stared into the eye of the forest.' It was insane. Then he's like, 'Peace out, shitheads, I'm outta here.' and leaves. We tried to go on with the meat raffle, you know, because the shit will go bad if it's not raffled out, but we could all hear him out in the parking lot screaming. He kept on yelling, 'Whatever it takes! Whatever it takes!' and we just finally packed it up and went home. Everybody got a piece of meat that night. Some more than others, I guess, but we tried to be fair about it."

"This isn't regular Quincy Center T-Station shit," explained Officer John Steele, a rigid-jawed rookie with a trigger finger as itchy as hives. "This is the good weed. This is that shit that'll blow your mind apart, right to little, teeny pieces until you have no idea who the fuck you are and why you're at a meat raffle. First kid I see under the effects of this shit is getting four in the chest, you can count on that much."

It is unknown at this time why Moranzo Llamas was in attendance last night, but some have theorized that it was his love of meat, combined with the fact that he was so extremely stoned. Others claim that he mistook the weekly meat raffle for a "metal raffle", which, if that were a real thing, would probably involve raffling off heavy metal albums, concert tickets, and really depressing poetry, written by girls that most likely cut themselves.

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by Mike McCuddy

Quincy Police were called to intervene regarding a domestic disturbance incident on Safford Street yesterday, stemming from a routine plumbing incident gone awry. Dumpling Wong, a local man-of-soy, known throughout the community for knocking over invalids and children on the Red Line, called 9-1-1 on Monday afternoon to report unruly behavior on behalf of Emerald Isle Plumbing and Sheetrocking, a plumbing outfit from the Vietnamese-smelling part of Savin Hill. The incident began after Wong clogged his toilet that morning with an unusually large defecation, resulting from a previous night’s order of fried Basset Hound, smothered in MSG, from Mr. Chan’s in Milton. Based on a recommendation from a drunken neighbor, Wong called Emerald Isle Plumbing, which promised same day service. Showing up three hours late, the plumbers ignored Wong’s request to remove their shoes at the door, instead dragging mud onto the carpet and dropping scone crumbs throughout the house. “This place smells like fucking shit,” announced supervisor Pabst McMurphy, a man who once set a 3-state record in 2006 for saying the word “cocksucker” an estimated 2,453 times during happy hour at Darcy’s Pub. After surveying the clogged toilet for less than five seconds, the plumbers mumbled about needing a “Johnson Rod” at the shop, but continued to loiter at the Wong residence. Apprentice Cork Sullivan, a Shepard’s pie with a green card made out of Irish Spring soap shavings, proceeded to fire up Nintendo Wii, and soon bottles of Tsing Tao beer began disappearing from Wong’s refrigerator. Wong finally called the police after a Mr. Sub delivery man arrived at the door while the crowd had erupted into singing. Police are expect to revoke the company’s Local 12 Plumbing charter, where they will then discover that none of the men are licensed to plumb, or even be in the United States.

Quincy Police have released a statement claiming they have shut down the Andre’s Market convenience store in Wollaston. This act will also be coupled by stripping sole proprietor, Andre Squanto, of his vendor’s license, for selling expired inventory. Andre, a 58-year-old homosexual Indian, who inexplicably wears cowboy hats, was known as a minor Quincy celebrity for his frequent disgusting sexual rendezvous behind the Village Auto School, as well as his memorable stint as Danny on the mid-nineties Nickelodeon program, Hey Dude. Police were notified of the suspicious inventory based on numerous customer complaints, including local chimney duster, Flem Borsiquot, who stated, “I walk in here every day to play the numbers and see some crazy shit. Massasoit behind the counter is selling Pub Fries from what looks like the Reagan Administration, and he’s sellin’ Heralds with Mo Vaughn on the cover. This fuck even has a BayBank ATM in the corner.” Other inventory, such as 25 cent juice boxes with no label on them, Crystal Clear Pepsi, and Mass Millions lottery tickets have been dismissed as “fucking ridiculous.” Longtime customer, Quack McTavish, claims, “I think most people were willing to ignore the dusty ice cream cooler that looked like a portal to Hell, and the leather jacket on the wall that may, or may not, have been for sale, as long as that Andre guy didn’t talk to, or even look at, one of our sons.” Police say the vacant property is expected to be sold to Mung Realty, where a nail salon, bottle/can depository, or shitty bakery is expected to crush the soul out of the neighboring community.

Dorchester Copperpot, a hickory smoked, fall-off-the-bone pork rib from Merrymount, was detained by Quincy Police on Monday and committed to the McLean Mental Health Facilities after inciting a riot during a monthly Quincy City Council meeting at City Hall. Copperpot, an 84-year-old homeless maniac, credited with being the first person to buy a compact disc at Quincy Records & Tapes in 1989, was rescued by police after being attacked by an unruly mob for a series of blasphemous comments. The Quincy City Council was called together for an emergency meeting on Monday to discuss suggestions for renovating the notoriously underfunded Quincy Center, which yielded solutions such as attracting more discount shoe stores, Greek pizza shops, and the construction of a methadone clinic inside the Quincy Center MBTA bus terminal. Council President Lo Hong Duck blurted out “fuck this shit," before excusing himself to murder his newborn daughter. The meeting began winding down around 8:15pm, when the front door flew open and Copperpot ambled in, wearing two different shoes and Army fatigues from the Korean War. Copperpot quickly seized the podium and began reciting a recipe for split pea soup before making a myriad of baseless, inflammatory accusations ranging from former Mayor James Sheets being a bullfighter in Spain, to a mysterious bridge on Nut Island being an elusive second road into Squantum. “Lets kick the shit out of this crazy fucker!” shouted City Comptroller Evan Marmaduke, who led an all-out assault on Copperpot until police were called to remove him from the premises. Police expect Copperpot to be sentenced to six months in McLean Hospital, wherein he is then expected to be released back into the dumpster behind Shamrock Variety on Beale Street.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Quincy legend gets mind-fuckingly stoned, grabs microphone at peaceful meat raffle

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Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards

by Mike McCuddy

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