Unidentified sea creature spotted off coast of Wollaston Beach

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A strange, unidentified sea creature was spotted yesterday afternoon just off the coast of Wollaston Beach, by the area of the Squantum Yacht Club. The creature, which was estimated to be approximately seven-feet-tall, showed no signs of aggression, but did appear to take an immediate interest in a pile of colorful tampon applicators which had washed up on shore.

Most beachgoers remained at a safe distance from the oddity. With the exception of two groups of high school students yelling over to the sea creature to buy them alcohol, no human contact was established. Police were dispatched to the scene and arrived only minutes after it was first discovered.

Officer Nico Haylen was the first to respond. "I've been a cop for about three days now," he explained. "And I thought I had seen it all, but I've never seen anything like this. This is clearly a breed of sea creature that we are not familiar with yet."

“What was that thing?" gasped Brandi Orthanc, a 3-out-of-10 from South Quincy. “I come to this beach for the false sense of nature, and to get away from my abusive parole officer, not to get scared by sea creatures. If I wanted to see monsters, I’d hang out at the North Quincy McDonald's.”

Others on the beach were less shocked by the creature than others. "I've been walking this beach for many years," said Michael Crockhurst, a local liquor store clerk. "I'm pretty sure I've seen the thing a few other times, but it never seems to bother anyone. I think it's just curious. It was pretty much minding it's own business until that crazy cop showed up and started firing rounds at it."

Officer Haylen denies all claims of firing his weapon at the creature, but was unable to explain the lingering smell of gun powder, the empty bullet shells in the sand, or the multiple eyewitness accounts, all stating that at least twenty shots were fired.

As to where the mysterious sea creature comes from, scientists are still unsure. Some believe it is a creature long-since-thought to be extinct, although those who take local folklore more seriously claim it is, in fact, Danny McGrier, the Squantum youth who was banished to the sea in the summer of 1994, after publicly stating that the Clash was only his second favorite band. "Is it possible that a human could evolve into something like what we have seen here?" asked Dr. Raymond Rupolio. "Of course it is. It's not very likely, but it's possible. Science is an ever-changing mystery, and more often than not, we find some extremely fucked up shit. There's a lot of really fascinating things out there, just waiting to be discovered.."