The Quincy Scallion: Controversy brews over another possible election miscount due to dimpled fucking chads

Friday, May 8, 2009

Controversy brews over another possible election miscount due to dimpled fucking chads

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Another voting fiasco is in the midst as a Quincy elementary school prepares for what may be a long night of recounting votes for its latest election. The most recent elections, which were held yesterday morning, would decide next year's class president, and have been plagued with controversy since the very beginning.

"It's because of these stupid dimpled chad things," claimed Scotty Funkman, 9, of Adams Shore. "Nobody can tell who voted for who, it's not fair." Scotty Funkman, who spent the entire year basing his campaign on the completely unfulfilled promise of "no homework forever," was thought by many to win by a landslide victory. After three counts, however, it appears that the dimpled chad voting system may not be without flaws. "There's no way Billy Phillipson could ever beat me," he added. "Nobody even likes that kid. That kid is such a giant stupid face."

This is just another strike against the dimpled chad voting system, which is remembered mostly for it's involvement in the controversial 2000 U.S. Presidential election. Although the two elementary students did not seem to recall the prior faults of the chads, they did express sympathy with former Vice President Al Gore regarding his hard-fought campaign ending in disappointment.

“My mom stayed up all night baking cookies so I could get some votes,” declared Billy Phillipson, 9, of Germantown. “I didn’t even get to bed until almost midnight, mostly because I was stuck on the last level of Halo, but also because I was really excited to become ruler. I thought I’d wake up and this crap would be over with. This country is a joke.” The opposition agreed, with a visibly upset Funkman stating he would “sue the living shit out of whatever company makes those chad things.”

The elementary school election, a yearly tradition in both Quincy and normal cities, is facing it's toughest year in recent memory. As a high unemployment rate and rising taxes become a shocking reality for most, parents who would normally remain uninterested in their children’s activities are starting to take a more active involvement.

Joel Funkman, 31, of Adams Shore, vented his frustrations regarding his son's campaign to the Scallion. “This is utter bullshit. I mean, I thought I was pissed about the 2000 election when these stupid things didn’t work, but now this? This hits way too close to home for me. Normally, I wouldn’t give two shits about what Scotty was up to, but ever since I was layed off from Home Depot, I’ve just been milling around the house. So when he came home and told me that he might not be class president next year because of these chads, I hit the roof. There's no way in hell my son is gonna lose to Mike Phillipson's kid. No way, not that piece of Germantown trash.”

Though both sides of this argument have not yet reached an agreement, the school, which asked to remain anonymous throughout this article, has asked that a peaceful sit-down discussion take place later on this afternoon, with the ideal outcome being both sides agreeing to a "do over".

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by Mike McCuddy

Quincy Police were called to intervene regarding a domestic disturbance incident on Safford Street yesterday, stemming from a routine plumbing incident gone awry. Dumpling Wong, a local man-of-soy, known throughout the community for knocking over invalids and children on the Red Line, called 9-1-1 on Monday afternoon to report unruly behavior on behalf of Emerald Isle Plumbing and Sheetrocking, a plumbing outfit from the Vietnamese-smelling part of Savin Hill. The incident began after Wong clogged his toilet that morning with an unusually large defecation, resulting from a previous night’s order of fried Basset Hound, smothered in MSG, from Mr. Chan’s in Milton. Based on a recommendation from a drunken neighbor, Wong called Emerald Isle Plumbing, which promised same day service. Showing up three hours late, the plumbers ignored Wong’s request to remove their shoes at the door, instead dragging mud onto the carpet and dropping scone crumbs throughout the house. “This place smells like fucking shit,” announced supervisor Pabst McMurphy, a man who once set a 3-state record in 2006 for saying the word “cocksucker” an estimated 2,453 times during happy hour at Darcy’s Pub. After surveying the clogged toilet for less than five seconds, the plumbers mumbled about needing a “Johnson Rod” at the shop, but continued to loiter at the Wong residence. Apprentice Cork Sullivan, a Shepard’s pie with a green card made out of Irish Spring soap shavings, proceeded to fire up Nintendo Wii, and soon bottles of Tsing Tao beer began disappearing from Wong’s refrigerator. Wong finally called the police after a Mr. Sub delivery man arrived at the door while the crowd had erupted into singing. Police are expect to revoke the company’s Local 12 Plumbing charter, where they will then discover that none of the men are licensed to plumb, or even be in the United States.

Quincy Police have released a statement claiming they have shut down the Andre’s Market convenience store in Wollaston. This act will also be coupled by stripping sole proprietor, Andre Squanto, of his vendor’s license, for selling expired inventory. Andre, a 58-year-old homosexual Indian, who inexplicably wears cowboy hats, was known as a minor Quincy celebrity for his frequent disgusting sexual rendezvous behind the Village Auto School, as well as his memorable stint as Danny on the mid-nineties Nickelodeon program, Hey Dude. Police were notified of the suspicious inventory based on numerous customer complaints, including local chimney duster, Flem Borsiquot, who stated, “I walk in here every day to play the numbers and see some crazy shit. Massasoit behind the counter is selling Pub Fries from what looks like the Reagan Administration, and he’s sellin’ Heralds with Mo Vaughn on the cover. This fuck even has a BayBank ATM in the corner.” Other inventory, such as 25 cent juice boxes with no label on them, Crystal Clear Pepsi, and Mass Millions lottery tickets have been dismissed as “fucking ridiculous.” Longtime customer, Quack McTavish, claims, “I think most people were willing to ignore the dusty ice cream cooler that looked like a portal to Hell, and the leather jacket on the wall that may, or may not, have been for sale, as long as that Andre guy didn’t talk to, or even look at, one of our sons.” Police say the vacant property is expected to be sold to Mung Realty, where a nail salon, bottle/can depository, or shitty bakery is expected to crush the soul out of the neighboring community.

Dorchester Copperpot, a hickory smoked, fall-off-the-bone pork rib from Merrymount, was detained by Quincy Police on Monday and committed to the McLean Mental Health Facilities after inciting a riot during a monthly Quincy City Council meeting at City Hall. Copperpot, an 84-year-old homeless maniac, credited with being the first person to buy a compact disc at Quincy Records & Tapes in 1989, was rescued by police after being attacked by an unruly mob for a series of blasphemous comments. The Quincy City Council was called together for an emergency meeting on Monday to discuss suggestions for renovating the notoriously underfunded Quincy Center, which yielded solutions such as attracting more discount shoe stores, Greek pizza shops, and the construction of a methadone clinic inside the Quincy Center MBTA bus terminal. Council President Lo Hong Duck blurted out “fuck this shit," before excusing himself to murder his newborn daughter. The meeting began winding down around 8:15pm, when the front door flew open and Copperpot ambled in, wearing two different shoes and Army fatigues from the Korean War. Copperpot quickly seized the podium and began reciting a recipe for split pea soup before making a myriad of baseless, inflammatory accusations ranging from former Mayor James Sheets being a bullfighter in Spain, to a mysterious bridge on Nut Island being an elusive second road into Squantum. “Lets kick the shit out of this crazy fucker!” shouted City Comptroller Evan Marmaduke, who led an all-out assault on Copperpot until police were called to remove him from the premises. Police expect Copperpot to be sentenced to six months in McLean Hospital, wherein he is then expected to be released back into the dumpster behind Shamrock Variety on Beale Street.