Austen's Dead awarded keys to the city, voted "Official Band of Quincy"

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In a black tie event being held earlier this afternoon at the Marriott Hotel in Quincy, Austen's Dead was awarded the keys to the city, just after receiving the "Official Band of Quincy" award, which was decided upon by a unanimous decision. The band, who were known for their misogynistic and generally spiteful lyrics, has been a fan favorite for Quincy locals since the early nineties.

"The mayor is a big fan of Austen's Dead," said Trim Whitman, a former City Hall filing clerk who was recently promoted as one of the mayor's chief advisors. "I think everybody knows how much the mayor hates nannies, so, with that being said, they've always been one of his favorite bands. When he heard that song with them poking fun at the Swedish nanny whose torso was found all hacked up, he couldn't stop laughing. He's a good guy, and just about as close to a perfect mayor as one could ask for, but he's got a sick fucking sense of humor."

Others who were at the ceremony admittedly did not see eye-to-eye with the mayor, some of them openly calling for an immediate impeachment. Most residents who were in attendance took to picketing the event, stating that the award should be given to a more wholesome band, such as 4 Heads Deep, Jetavana Grove, Full House Crew, or at the very least, Just Add Water.

Those who agreed with the decision, however, teamed up against the protesters, forcefully removing them from the festivities. "Why these bitches frontin'?" said Brian "Hardball" Jones, a longtime fan of the band. "We're talking about a band who used to put actual slaughtered pig heads on top of their amplifiers while they played. If that's not enough to qualify a band for this award, I don't know what is."

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