Quincy's mayor demands to know why everyone was so wasted Saturday night

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Authorities have reported multiple disturbance calls made over the weekend, all taking place on Saturday in the Quincy Center area, between the hours of 5:00PM and 1:00AM. After further investigation, the Quincy Police Department has linked all of these disturbances to a pub crawl, which was being held in celebration for the 30th birthday of a girl known only as Julie Unruly.

"It was insane," commented one Quincy resident. "I've seen some ugly looking people in my time, but this was truly the bottom-of-the-barrel. They were running through the streets, basically just acting like idiots. They were all wearing these baby blue shirts that had a picture of some girl slugging a 40-ounce Private Stock on the front. Clearly, these people were known alcohol abusers."

The pub crawl allegedly started at the bar formerly known as Darby's Pub, and was followed by a slew of other bars in the Quincy Center area, finally ending at the date rape capital of the world, Club 58. But by the time the group reached Tully's, people were already showing intense signs of intoxication. "I had just finished dinner at the Four's," commented Patrick Crenshaw, a session musician from North Quincy. "I looked across the street and this girl just collapsed and started convulsing like crazy. I ran over to see if she needed help, but everybody kept telling me to leave her alone, and that she was just trying to have a good time. It didn't look that way to me, but I figured they knew her better than I did. How was I supposed to know she had just had thirteen White Russians and an entire case of Bud Light? I'm no doctor. I'm just a humble session musician from North Quincy."

The Quincy Police Department, as well as the mayor's office, are offering a blank "I Owe You" for anyone with information leading to the whereabouts of Julie Unruly, or any others that may have been involved. "It's people like this that make the residents of Quincy feel unsafe at night," said Mayor Koch. "And the fact that no one from our office was invited not only hurts, but makes us socially obligated to have a pub crawl of our own. And it's gonna be a big one, I promise."

"They're gonna need to offer more than that," commented Nico Haylen, a local diabetic. "I know the exact crew of kids they're talking about, and they're absolute maggots. I wouldn't rat them out for all the 'I Owe Yous' in the world."

The mayor has not yet announced the date of the city workers' pub crawl, however, did mention that each city employee will be issued a credit card which will immediately deduct the cost of each beer purchase from the upcoming paycheck of the Quincy resident of their choosing.