Quincy boroughs clash over right to claim city's most common resource

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Fifteen more people have been injured in the most recent violence between the Wollaston and Montclair sections of Quincy over the right to call the city’s newest Dunkin’ Donuts their own. A car bomb was detonated in a nearby Stop & Shop parking lot yesterday afternoon, causing multiple injuries and tens of dollars worth of damage to grocery carts. The unidentified car was rumored to be a black 1995 Crown Victoria with a Tree bumper sticker, making it impossible to judge which neighborhood it originated from.

This is just the latest in a series of tit-for-tat attacks that began after the announcement of a brand new Dunkin’ Donuts, the city's 19th to date. Following Mayor Thomas Koch’s groundbreaking ceremony earlier this year, the construction site, which is located on what many believe to be the dividing line between the two rivals, has been plagued with spouts of intense dispute and childish name calling.

Kenneth “Carmo” Carmillen, 23, of Wollaston, claims that the residents of Montclair initiated the hostility. “They are flat out wrong," he said. "And they always were, dude. Those fucks have been sayin’ the new Dunkies is theirs. You serious? It’s not even in Montclair.” Mr. Carmillen went on to cite several zoning laws that were drawn up by him and his friends in the 4th grade, by which the "friggin' telephone pole on the corner of Newport Ave. and Hobart Street" is the spot where Wollaston ends and Montclair begins

The Dunkin' Donuts in question is located in the Newport Center mini-mall on Newport Ave., and opened for business last week, replacing the since defunct LG Liquor Store. Almost immediately after opening, an altercation between the two sections broke out in broad daylight, causing police to be called to the scene, resulting in three arrests. Joe "Chupa" Chupowski, 24, of Montclair, was arrested for assault with a "large regular" and indecent exposure. "Everybody knows that anything north of the Wendy's is considered Montclair," he said. "These Wolly boys are trying to claim a Dunkies that's not theirs."

The war between Montclair and Wollaston only got worse from there, when an unidentified male threw a Molotov cocktail into the living room of a socially prominent Wollaston kid's home. "I know it was a Montclair kid who did this," stated Kevin McNaughton, 21, of Wollaston. "That thing was made out of a very specific emptied out forty-ounce, which, as far as I know, can only be purchased at Mullaney's Variety in Montclair. Nobody except Montclair kids ever shop at Mullaney's. That place sucks. I didn't ask for this. I was just sitting in my room, making a Dropkicks mix for my friend, Fitzy, and all of the sudden, my living room curtains are on fire. Those kids are idiots. Montclair starts on the street where Marshalls and Ocean State Job Lot are. Always has, always will."

Another incident thought to be linked to the Montclair-Wollaston turf war happened this weekend, when two Montclair kids were found duct taped to the counter of the Dunkin' Donuts inside the Stop & Shop on Newport Avenue. "We responded to what we thought was a robbery call," explained Officer Ken McLeary. "We found the front door of the Stop & Shop smashed open from the outside, but it didn't appear that anything was stolen. We thought somebody might have smashed the window and then gotten scared off somehow, but then we heard the screaming. We found two young men taped up to the counter, with a hand-written sign above them saying, 'STAY AT YOUR OWN DUNKIES,' written in what appeared to be jelly doughnut filling. I'll never forget those screams, those blood-curdling screams. Not for as long as I live. Some things on this job just stick with you."

Authorities, working in conjunction with Dunkin' Donuts, have asked all Quincy residents to stop the bloodshed now, before it gets any worse. "This Dunkin' Donuts is for anybody nearby who wishes to use it," stated Mayor Thomas Koch. "There is absolutely no need to continue on the path that this has been heading. This city has nineteen Dunkin' Donuts locations, all of which are happy to serve all of Quincy, no matter what neighborhood, ward, or subsection you may reside in."

The mayor declined to comment any further on the situation, and has been advised by some of the city's top officials to remain silent on whether he thinks the new Dunkin' Donuts lies in Wollaston or Montclair.

UPDATE 05/11/2009: It's fucking Wollaston!