Level 3 sex offender found in Marshalls clearance aisle, sent to Linden House in Whitman

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Level 3 sex offender was found roaming the clearance aisle of the Marshalls on Newport Avenue yesterday afternoon, authorities have reported.

Quincy Police detectives responded to the department store at approximately 3:30pm, where they apprehended convicted rapist Ricky Peppers, a 29-year-old waste of life from the undisputed rectum of Plymouth County.

According to the police report, Peppers was in violation of his parole.

As told by his case worker, Peppers is forbidden to go within a hundred feet of any clearance aisle, as he becomes "too aroused by the amazing bargains."

In accordance with Massachusetts state law, Peppers will be sent to the Linden House in Whitman, where he will have the chance to live rent-free until he decides to rape again. He is currently being held at an undisclosed location in Quincy while authorities can carry out the long and complicated extradition process required to transfer him across county lines.

Always available for comment was local black, Glenroyal Smoothshave.

"White people is crazy," remarked Smoothshave, in his signature blend of anger, spite and ethnicity. "Why do they always have to offend women sexually? A black man might offend a woman on a CD, or even in a movie, but never sexually."

It was later revealed that black people have offended women sexually on numerous occasions, often times ending with the birth of an unwanted mulatto child.


Glenroyal Smoothshave, telling it how it is to an overwhelmed cameraman.

"Why do white people always have to rape?" Smoothshave added. "Why don't they just go to Club 58 and pick up a stupid bitch with low self esteem? It ain't like it's hard. Just tell some chunky bitch she looks good on the dance floor, tell her you have some cocaine at your apartment, and let it all ride out from there. I ain't sayin' I done it, but what if I had? This shit ain't even about me, motherfucker!"

For more information on local rapists, check out the Mass Sex Offender Registry.

Local woman accuses maniac cat of sexual assault

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A local woman has accused area feline, Charles del Guapo, of sexual assault, claiming he made several unwanted advances on her at a fundraiser being held this past weekend at the Sons of Italy Hall on Quarry Street.

This is not the first time del Guapo has been accused of such an act.

In 2001, del Guapo was detained by airport security at TF Green, after a fellow passenger accused him of giving her a number of awkward glances.

In 2004, del Guapo was pulled over by Massachusetts State Police, where he was found with a group of underage girls and several open containers of beer.

And in 2006, del Guapo was fired without compensation from his part-time job at Hollywood Video in Whitman for repeatedly spraying Binaca in his mouth while maintaining a perpetual stare at all women who passed.

While del Guapo has declined to comment on these latest allegations, friends and family claim that he vehemently denies all charges against him.

"Charles is an innocent cat," claimed neighbor, Walter Lou Sunset.

Sunset then went on to explain numerous reasons why del Guapo could not commit such a crime, none of which would ever hold up in a court of law.

While authorities sift through the rubble of accusations set forth against the offbeat feline, detectives are asking anyone who knows the password to del Guapo's impenetrable Hotmail account to please come forward.

Hoping to find something to link del Guapo to these illegal and illicit acts, authorities have stated that they believe his password to be a series of letters, numbers, or a complicated mix of the two, most likely having some sort of personal meaning.

"As of now, it looks like he could walk," remarked Officer Nico Haylen. "It just seems like, no matter what you throw at him, nothing sticks. This cat is slippery smooth."

Local priest wins staring contest, respect of peers

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Reverend Jack Jessup of St. Mary's Parish in West Quincy took home the gold yesterday evening in Quincy's semi-annual Easter Staring Contest.

Jessup, a self-proclaimed "holy man-about-town," was last in the news after several misunderstandings between him and the Johnson Publishing Company, of Chicago, Illinois, left him with a three-year subscription to JET magazine.

The contest, which was held at Adams Field, was judged by a panel of experts that were flown in from the Monponsett section of Hanson.

Making his way into the championship round, Jessup faced six-time winner, John Mustard, who lost on a technicality after it was revealed that he was blind.

As the crowd gathered in for the final round, Jessup faced current champion, Jared Spoonman, who, after over two hours of maintaining a cold, dead stare, blew a blood vessel in his right eye, causing him to lose his title, as well as his eye.

"I'm going to King's Castle Land," Jessup remarked, after being asked his feelings on winning one of Quincy's most prestigious Easter awards.

Unaware that King's Castle Land has been closed since the mid-nineties, Jessup then headed up Route 18, blasting Kings of Leon's "Use Somebody" at a bowel-wrenching volume through his 1993 Toyota Corolla's Bose speaker system.

Arriving home approximately three hours later with a brand new King's Castle Land shirt on, Jessup's neighbors began to wonder if an Easter miracle was upon them.

Some say it was just God playing favorites, others weren't quite so sure.

Local man goes on frantic search for Internet

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Whitman resident known only as No-Internet Andy has just put in for his two-week vacation, claiming that he will not rest until he has found the Internet.

Holding a "members only" press conference in the Monponsett section of Hanson, No-Internet Andy vowed to reporters that he would soon find the Internet and harness all of it's uncanny power.

Claiming to have never once actually come into contact with the Internet, No-Internet Andy spoke quite fondly of the global system of networks, claiming the desire to overcome his no-Internet status has given him a new purpose in life.

The search was preempted by a stop at a local corner store to buy $15 worth of protein bars and twelve cartons of Muscle Milk, which No-Internet Andy believed would help him immensely in his quest.

Loading a sleeping bag, three hundred yards of highly resilient nylon rope, and a flashlight into the back of his truck, No-Internet Andy performed a final check on the air pressure of his tires before waving goodbye to no one in particular.

"Farewell," he said, as he peeled off at the smooth crawl of a wounded mongoose. "I shall find the Internet and bring it back to my hometown of Whitman. And when I return, we shall all be instant millionaires. From the hungry locals at Venus Cafe, to the lonely Keno players at the Office, we shall all embrace the Internet, making each and every website we visit our own."

Having made it only six feet from his original starting point, all four tires of his 1976 Jeep Cherokee then exploded due to massive over-inflation, causing him to spin wildly out of control, colliding with a newlywed couple on a tandem bicycle.

"Don't wait for me," No-Internet Andy could be heard saying, as the Whitman Police carelessly tossed him into backseat of a cruiser.

No-Internet Andy will be charged with two counts of driving to endanger.

In accordance with new South Shore law, he will be arraigned tomorrow morning at Quincy District Court, where it is expected he will then be introduced to the Internet via the Norfolk County Correctional Center in Dedham.

Mayor Koch to approve torpedo attack on Weymouth, destruction of Fore River Bridge

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

In what is being called the boldest move of his career, Mayor Thomas Koch is expected to approve a torpedo attack on Weymouth, destroying the Fore River Bridge, thus making it virtually impossible to travel between the two cities.

Weymouth, which is known for it's inability to entertain mankind for more than twelve seconds, as well as being a giant obstacle for Whitman and Abington kids traveling north, has long since been the shame of the South Shore.

Liza Stufart, a domestic engineer and mother of one from Whitman, who is so insanely stubborn that she has actually convinced her sick, demented mind that Weymouth isn't even part of the South Shore, agrees with Mayor Koch's decision, stating that the destruction of the Fore River Bridge will not only make Quincy better, but may bring new businesses to the area, as well.

"There is no legitimate reason why anyone from Weymouth should ever cross the Quincy border," Stufart commented, as she casually reenacted the final act of Brian De Palma's Scarface. "Once Quincy takes out the Fore River Bridge, the only thing they'll need is a porn store. After that, it's all gravy."

Stufart then proceeded to throw a series of wild, yet well-placed spin kicks and haymakers at anyone who she declared as having a "Weymouth face," which, according to experts, is a face that looks so much like Weymouth, that there is absolutely no way of mistaking where the owner of said face hails from.

Stufart was detained shortly after, however, as her nonsensical ramblings and maniacal movements were decided to be "just a little overboard," as the mayor pulled up in his city-issued Hummer H1 to present a framed declaration of war to Weymouth spokeswoman, Carla McFang. Stufart was brought to the Quincy Police Department, where she was frisked extensively and beaten within an inch of her life.


Mayor Koch with Carla McFang, who mistakenly thought she was accepting an award.

Mistaking the mayor's declaration of war for an award, McFang then posed with the framed statement for what she took to be a chance photo op. This, of course, did very little to ease the shame that all Weymouth residents must deal with, causing many in the inferior city to begin rethinking McFang's role as spokeswoman.

"McFang is a fucking whorebag," remarked Neal Diamondz, a man who has lived on both sides of the bridge, no matter how fucked up that may seem. "Anyone that gets one-upped by Mayor Koch is a fucking idiot. I've done a lot of shameful things in my life---believe me---but living in Weymouth is the worst of them, by far."

Parading the giant torpedo through the Fore River Shipyard, dozens of spectators were able to stare at the great weapon, each with the dazed and puzzled stare of a girl who has just been told that she had a load dumped inside her.

"He who dares!" the mayor exclaimed, as his signature hairdo majestically whipped and tousled under the massive gust of an out-of-view industrial strength fan. "Tomorrow, our great city shall attack Weymouth by means of a single torpedo. We will do so by destroying the Fore River Bridge, making it so the only way for Weymouth to penetrate the Quincy barrier will be Route 53, which is notoriously slow-moving, as well as frustrating on the soul. On the last day of 2009, I shall launch my torpedo into the heart of that bridge, and I shall watch as it crumbles before me. I offer Weymouth no more notice than that, and ask that all residents refrain from attempting to stay in our city, as we most definitely will find you. No single Weymouth resident has ever successfully been able to pull off blending in with a crowd of Quincy people. Maybe it's the hypodermic needles hanging out of their neck, or maybe it's the Nightstick t-shirt that they're wearing, but, either way, we can always tell. I honestly don't give a fuck if you can't get to Boston without that bridge. If you need to go shopping, go to the Independence Mall. And if you have a problem with that, you can suck the meatlover's pizza out of my swollen, red ass."

The torpedo, made by Bluefin Robotics, on display at the Fore River Shipyard earlier this morning.

"He who dares!" the mayor repeated, before disappearing into a cloud of smoke and glitter, as the Gap Band's "You Dropped a Bomb on Me" blasted through the shipyard's Bose speaker system at an ear-shattering volume.

It is still unclear as to what time, exactly, the mayor is expected to destroy the Fore River Bridge, although bomb specialists and bridge disaster analysts all agree that an attack at exactly "high noon" would be most likely, as the mayor's love for classic westerns is no secret at all.

Sparks fly on eve of Election Day as heated mayoral race nears close

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Tensions flared this evening as one of the most heated mayoral races this city has ever seen drew to a close at a last-minute debate, which was held at an undisclosed VFW on Broad Street.

Among those in attendance were Mayor Thomas Koch, former mayor Bill Phelan, and approximately two hundred drunken residents, each with something to say.

Incumbent Mayor Thomas Koch, recently sponsored by Papa Gino's, was said to have lost the debate after flying into a fit of rage after realizing that his pizza crust had not been cooked to the golden brown perfection he was used to, resulting in one of the largest, most chaotic riots Quincy has witnessed since Halloween weekend.

"That muthafucka went crazy up in this world," claimed Neal Diamondz, a wicked good kid from the Hospital Hill section of Quincy. "Once he bit into that crust, you could almost feel the air in the room get thicker. Nobody could breathe. It was like an episode of the fuckin' Twilight Zone in there. Shit got weird for a minute. That fat mayor started screaming Madball lyrics and whipping chairs across the room. And then, that red-headed dude who used to be mayor had to hold the fat one back until the cops came. That redhead knew what was up, too. To quote the three hundred and eighty-seventh best rapper of all time, he got all up in his face and was like, 'Fat boy on a diet. Don't try it. I'll check ya ass like a looter in a riot.' It was pretty much the funniest thing I had ever seen. That redhead just grabbed the fat one and started ringing his neck like he was fuckin' Ike Turner."

Stopping for a brief photo op with notorious Quincy gangster, Desmond Brianalli, Diamondz continued. "That debate was the best party I had ever been to. I endorse Bill Phelan. He knows how to man-up and handle a situation."


Brianalli and Diamondz, mugging it up for the camera on a sultry afternoon.

Authorities were dispatched to the undisclosed VFW almost immediately, where they were faced with fierce rioting and the horrible intentions of it's inhabitants. Tear gas was released into the function hall, although this had little, to no, effect on the crowd, as most of those in attendance were already immune.

A special tactical team was then sent in, however, they quickly surrendered to the ensuing madness, as all offensive fighting techniques were immediately mistaken as "sick-as-fuck dance moves," which eventually led up to what was later referred to as "one of the better dance-offs of 2009."

"There was nothing left to do," claimed Officer Nico Haylen, as he attempted to explain why the police department was unable to perform the task at hand. "Our strategy to go after these rioters was very simple. First, we were gonna cut them off, then we were gonna kill them. But it didn't go that way. They were too powerful. That's when I knew we had no other choice. So, I turned to Chuck, and I said, 'Send 'em on their way.' And in went the Whitman girls."


The Whitman girls, still dressed in their Halloween costumes, fucking some dude up.

Armed with nothing but consumed vodka and inherent rage, the Whitman girls were unleashed on the crowd by authorities, where they proceeded to beat the living shit out of anything that even moved. Making their next move, authorities then began pumping Nightstick through the windows at top volume. All through Broad Street, the droning, hypnotic sounds of Weymouth's finest filled the air, causing authorities and criminals alike to drop to their knees in utter fear and confusion.

"That fuckin' music is weird," remarked Heather LeWetone, an aspiring Dunkin' Donuts shift supervisor and director of the direct-to-DVD smash hit, Green Street Hooligans III: Bad Times in Bingtown. "Fuckin' Weymouth, dude. What a bunch of weird people. I don't understand Weymouth. Nobody does. And they never will."

As the festivities then came to a close, a familiar face arrived, causing many in the audience to begin instantly vomiting.

Cheryl "Ruthless Toothless" McShirelle, posing for a most unfortunate camera.

"Everything was fine until Ruthless Toothless showed up," said Ham Dangleton, an all-around wacky guy from the wrong side of the MBTA tracks. "Nobody likes that girl. You can't even get a fucking blowjob from her because of all the partial teeth she has in her head. There ain't a single full tooth in that head, but there's a little bit of each one. It's like no one tooth is willing to die. There's always a little bit of one that sticks around. It's fucking gross."

There is no word yet on the expected outcome of tomorrow's election, nor has there been any word on how long exactly Ruthless Toothless plans on staying in town. The answer to these questions may never be known, although it is expected that the answer to the first question will more than likely be known at some point tomorrow.

Faneuil Hall closes its doors in wake of recent invasion of South Shore girls

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Faneuil Hall has announced that it will be closing its doors for an unspecified amount of time in the wake of a recent invasion of Whitman girls, which led to no less than four people covered in beer, two humiliated whores, at least one broken pint glass, and an extremely disappointed bouncer.

The incident took place on Friday evening at Hennessy's, at an otherwise peaceful rock concert, where South Shore band, HeadSpace, was performing a handful of Blackbelt and Brawl Park covers to an anxious and loving crowd.

As reported, the show's first set was a great success, although quickly turned sour during the second set, when Dino Bland, a mid-ranking member of Quincy’s nightlife, accidentally spilled a single drop of beer on Diana Hoarface, an out-of-work film star from Revere, as she was discussing where in the bar would be safe to do cocaine.


Hoarface, as seen in a clip from her most recent adult film, All Dogs Go to Revere.

Upon seeing this spill, Hoarface then attempted to slap the drink out of Bland’s hand, unknowing at the time that an army of angry Whitman girls lurked just behind him.

It was at this point that Heather Velangie, a horse whisperer from Whitman, who was reportedly dressed in nothing but a t-shirt and a pair of tights, allegedly took her entire beer and doused Hoarface in front of everyone. This, of course, was followed by Velangie whipping her then-empty pint glass at one of Hoarface’s ridiculous, whore-faced friends, missing her by only inches.

Liza Stufart, an aspiring housewife from Whitman, was said to have then stepped into the scuffle, sneaking up on Hoarface’s side and blasting her in the face in an epic display that was described by onlookers as “the most impressive sneak attack since the Velociraptor took out the game warden in Steven Spielberg’s Jurassic Park.”

Bouncers and doormen throughout the establishment then attempted to stabilize the madness, but were taken by surprise as younger sister, Jeanne Stufart, began indiscriminately launching kickballs at the waitstaff and security. There is still no word on why over a hundred kickballs were in the bar at the time, although it is expected that the Sturage sisters had planned this event longer before it happened.

All patrons were then escorted to the Faneuil Hall border, where they were gassed and electrocuted until calm.

Velangie and both Stufart sisters were arrested later that evening. Velangie and Liza Stufart were charged with roughing, cross-checking, charging, overly asserting the fact that the South Shore is awesome, and the unauthorized dumping of Shock Top Belgian White ale. Jeanne Stufart was charged with inciting an unnecessary kickball game and multiple counts of unsportsmanlike conduct. They were scheduled to be arraigned this Monday morning, however, were let go almost immediately after, as the judge declared the entire situation “too hilarious” to try in court.


The Whitman girls, participating in a potato sack race while awaiting trial.

Hennessy’s was unavailable for comment on this matter, but did release a statement, which says that they will no longer be allowing residents from Quincy and/or Whitman into their establishment. They have also stated that this recent disregard for human behavior has caused them to consider no longer offering their famous "half off cheese fries" special, which runs every Tuesday afternoon.

“I don't know what happened,” said Johnny Augmentin, lead guitarist of HeadSpace and inventor of Augmentin, the combination antibiotic containing amoxicillin trihydrage, whose show was interrupted by the inciting chaos. "Some bummin' whore got a little beer spilled on her, and then, all of the sudden, it was a fucking fiesta in there. There was no hesitation. The second that Quincy kid got his beer slapped, those Whitman chicks went nuts. They were like Bridget Fonda in Point of No Return. It was fucking insane. It's safe to say that Boston got a nice, little taste of a Whitman's Sampler that night. I just feel bad for dudes that are married to chicks like that. Seriously, I couldn't even imagine that. That's gotta be tough.”

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Heather Velangie went on to form Friday Night Fight-Tights, a Whitman-based company, which manufactures compressive elastic leg tights designed to ensure limberness and agility while spin-kicking your way through the Boston club scene.

Liza Stufart eventually married neighborhood heartthrob, John Commenton, becoming the wacky housewife she had always dreamed of. Her wedding took place the very next day at Pizzano's Pizza in Whitman.

Jeanne Stufart went on to become the first Whitman resident to ever successfully pull off a triple lutz on dry pavement. She then lost this ability shortly after waking up the following day. She is currently being cared for at South Shore Hospital in Weymouth, where doctors say it "could definitely go either way."

Johnny Augmentin eventually lost all of his interests in the pharmaceutical industry in a heated game of Texas Hold 'Em, causing him to take his own life by swallowing nineteen bottles of Augmentin. He was later revived, however, as Governor Deval Patrick ordered the forceful removal of an unliked, but very healthy, West Quincy kid's organs. Augmentin's surgery went better than expected, and he was released this morning to the care of his barber, as he was in bad need of a shave.