Local priest wins staring contest, respect of peers

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Reverend Jack Jessup of St. Mary's Parish in West Quincy took home the gold yesterday evening in Quincy's semi-annual Easter Staring Contest.

Jessup, a self-proclaimed "holy man-about-town," was last in the news after several misunderstandings between him and the Johnson Publishing Company, of Chicago, Illinois, left him with a three-year subscription to JET magazine.

The contest, which was held at Adams Field, was judged by a panel of experts that were flown in from the Monponsett section of Hanson.

Making his way into the championship round, Jessup faced six-time winner, John Mustard, who lost on a technicality after it was revealed that he was blind.

As the crowd gathered in for the final round, Jessup faced current champion, Jared Spoonman, who, after over two hours of maintaining a cold, dead stare, blew a blood vessel in his right eye, causing him to lose his title, as well as his eye.

"I'm going to King's Castle Land," Jessup remarked, after being asked his feelings on winning one of Quincy's most prestigious Easter awards.

Unaware that King's Castle Land has been closed since the mid-nineties, Jessup then headed up Route 18, blasting Kings of Leon's "Use Somebody" at a bowel-wrenching volume through his 1993 Toyota Corolla's Bose speaker system.

Arriving home approximately three hours later with a brand new King's Castle Land shirt on, Jessup's neighbors began to wonder if an Easter miracle was upon them.

Some say it was just God playing favorites, others weren't quite so sure.

Gays allowed in Quincy churches? Wait, really?

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Quincy Center

In a shocking turn of events, it appears that gays are not only allowed to walk past churches these days, but are also allowed to go inside them.

Gays, who are known for the hit songs, "Y.M.C.A." and "We are the Champions," have long since been the subject of public misunderstanding, yet critically acclaimed by fancy New York big shots for their ability to outdo almost anyone when it comes to making a giant fucking spectacle of themselves.

This recent discovery has both supporters and detractors of homosexuality voicing their opinions, but none more than those of the Catholic Church, who, historically speaking, have been known to get worked up over pretty much anything.

Reverend Sherman Beaudoin of the St. John the Baptist Parish in Quincy Point expressed disapproval at the discovery, blaming gays for almost everything.

"The Bible condemns homosexuality," Beaudoin said. "For a church to condone it is a most disgraceful act, but to embrace it is even worse. If these churches had any idea what gays were capable of, maybe they would reconsider their position on this. By constantly falling for fake links on the World Wide Web, I have seen far more than I have bargained for, although I have no intentions of describing what it is I have seen. But take my word for it, it was utterly abominable."

Unable to cope with the thought of what actually goes on behind the closed doors of gay men, Beaudoin then casually tossed himself in front of a speeding 221 bus, causing his body to explode like a watermelon after a thirty story fall.

But not all residents agree with Beaudoin, some even speaking out in favor of gays.

"Who cares if gays go to church?" remarked Mark "The Big Deal" Harmonico, a Montclair resident who owns a small dog and season tickets to the Red Sox. "Let those little bastards come if they want. What are people afraid of, that they're gonna dress better than us, teach us some sweet dance moves, and befriend our wives?"

Harmonico then performed a series of hand gestures and shoulder shrugs, each further confirming that he couldn't care less about gays in churches.

"It don't matter to me," Harmonico added. "Gays are just like regular people."

Harmonico then walked off into the general direction of the mythical East Quincy, secretly wondering what man he would go down on if he absolutely had to. After approximately thirty seconds of deliberation, he settled on Orlando Bloom and went about his day, somewhat less confident that he, too, was not gay.