Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Self-employed dishwasher nets $20 on winning scratch ticket

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Don Von Bonco, a 61-year-old self-employed restaurant dishwasher from Merrymount, netted a cool $20 from local business Andre’s Market last night upon scratching a winning lottery ticket.

Von Bonco, who has carried a static expression of neither joy nor mind-numbing depression for his entire life, eased his winnings into his worn leather wallet and stepped out into the hot, summer sun, while store owner and AIDS-infested immigrant Andre clapped loudly.

“He won!” belched Andre, whose last name was withheld due to it not existing. “I asked him if he cared to risk it all for the chance to win bigger prizes, but he didn’t respond. I then gave him the twenty dollar bill and let that caged bird fly free.”

Attempts to interview Von Bonco were met with silence as he roamed carelessly back towards the general vicinity of his home.

Neighbors of Von Bonco seemed to be delighted to hear the news.

“I am delighted to hear this news,” remarked Ron Bocash, who has lived in Von Bonco’s backyard since March of 2009, due to a court order.

“Couldn’t give less of a shit about that guy,” added Jap Pandajap. “He’ll probably spend it all on buttered cheese sandwiches. That’s all I've ever seen him eat.”

It was later revealed that Von Bonco used the money to purchase an extremely used DVD copy of Blade II. It is unknown at this point whether he plans to disclose this information on his 2011 tax records.


Anonymous said...


Beak Wilder said...

No, but I think he's related to Donna Smith Bocash, who works at the Bank of America in America.

Anonymous said...

If capitolism ever failed, the only good thing would be to see that bitch go down in flames

Beak Wilder said...

As long as you keep going to work, capitalism will never fail.

Anonymous said...

Viva capitalism!!!

Anonymous said...

By capitalism I meant Bank of America

Anonymous said...

Is Beakey on vacation?

Anonymous said...

Rumor has It he's been taken in for questioning on the great one killer case

Jen said...

Is that picture of Mr. Garufi?

Anonymous said...

And how does he DO??

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