Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web
An unfortunate error in a city document has resulted in eighty jars of the deadly AIDS virus to be shipped to the ravaged island of Haiti.
Joe Schlopp, former assistant to the mayor’s assistant, and now former editor of the city of Quincy’s Volunteer Pamphlet, has issued an apology for the mistake, which he blames on a complete lack of doing his job.
“Got a little sidetracked there, didn’t I?” responded Schlopp. “I was just kickin’ it at my office, getting into some serious Gmail chat conversations, when I realized that the Volunteer Pamphlet was due. I know, I’m supposed to proofread that thing, but, let’s face it, it’s fucking boring as shit.”
Schlopp then leaned back further in his 1997 pleather desk chair and added, “It’s all politics these days, isn’t it?”
AIDS, which was made popular after Freddie Mercury's predictable death in 1991, has long since been a fan favorite among the more talked-about diseases.
"This is a monumental mistake," remarked Catherine Butterspoon, a concerned citizen, who just so happens to own 51% of Tropical Airways, Haiti's cleanest and most trustworthy airline. "Even for a city like Quincy, this looks bad. There's no way to pawn this one off on someone else. If there was, Schlopp and the rest of those City Hall hacks would have already tried. A lot of innocent people are going down because of this. I really hope people learn their lesson this time."To make up for the mistake, businesses from all over the city have banded together.
After carefully studying a flyer pleading for “More Help for Haiti," Gerald Ultraround, owner of The Smoke Shop in Wollaston, decided to donate two cartoons of Camel Light cigarettes and seven packages of Red Man® chewing tobacco.
Due to popular demand, the Cathay Pacific restaurant recalled it’s shipment of subpar crab rangoons and pork fried rice.
Andre, owner of Andre’s Market in Wollaston, opened his heart and donated five scratch tickets with a possible value of over ten million dollars.
“What can I say?” marveled Andre at his own generosity. "I immediately wrote it off for taxes. That’s right, that's ten million in taxes that I’m getting back. Plus, those tickets are only refundable in Massachusetts, so, even if someone wins, they have to come up here to cash it in. I know that I was responsible for donating 79 of the 80 jars of AIDS, but I’ve got plenty to go around. I’ve had that shit for years, no biggie.”
Finally, a ragtag bunch of Quincy residents have banded together at local tycoon Hannibal LeMarsupial’s home recording studio to sing a benefit song with all proceeds going to a Best Buy gift card for Haiti.
Hannibal LeMarsupial, talking shit to a fellow business partner during a quick recording break.
Dubbing themselves “AC/QUINCY," the supergroup, consisting of homeless derelicts, 21-year-old rapists, crooked cops, drug-addicted thieves, and soccer moms, spent the better part of last night rewriting lyrics for AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long” and dedicating it to the earthquake victims.
Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web
Chipley "Redline" Spaulding, 37, of West Quincy, has locked himself inside his studio apartment on Centre Street, threatening to take his own life if Wendy's does not release a spicier chicken nugget by noon tomorrow.
Spaulding, who has a long history of threatening suicide, was unavailable for comment, however, allowed photographers to take numerous photos of him.
"The Spicy Chicken Nuggets at Wendy's aren't even spicy," Spaulding said on his blog. "And while they are very tasty, especially when accompanied by the Heartland Ranch dipping sauce, the level of spiciness you get from them is significantly less than one would initially expect."
Spaulding was last featured in the media after chaining himself to the front of an MBTA bus in an attempt to bring BoKu fruit juice back on the market.
"This isn't the first time this Spaulding character has tried something like this," claimed Officer John Steele, a tough-as-nails rookie with something to prove. "As soon as we get the okay from the chief, we're knocking that door down and I'm gonna make it a special point to take that guy's kneecaps out. I honestly can't think of anything that would be more satisfying. It's people like him that waste the time of law enforcement, causing those who need it to suffer. People like Chipley Spaulding make me sick."
Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i870 cell phoneLocal public activist and bumbling billionaire, Dino Bland, has made it his personal mission to unmask those responsible for the recent vandalism on the Hunt Street side of Kim Market in North Quincy.
As reported by Quincy Police, the words "Stay Free" had been spray painted on the brick side of the building at some point over the weekend.
Bland, who is no stranger to embarking on crazy adventures, was last in the news after defeating a Bengal tiger at Boggle during a cystic fibrosis benefit that ended with three dead and over $30,000 in property damage.
Bland will assemble his own team of detectives, and has stated that he will finance the mission entirely with personal funds.
Alison "Alley Chick" O'Relly, Bland's personal assistant and head confidant, promised swift justice to any, and all, who may have been involved.
"Bland Capital and Investment Consulting and Corporate Demutualization Firm for Mergers and Acquisitions of Northeastern America will not rest until the culprits of this action have been brought to justice," O'Relly said. "The B.C.I.C.C.D.F.M.A.N.A. has stood around and watched the seedy underbelly of this city do as it pleases for far too long. And we are not going to take it any longer. We are going to stand up and unite against those who are set to destroy this beautiful city. For without unity, we are not united. But with unity, we are. But we must not lose hope. Hope is what will bind us together as one. I read somewhere that, without hope, man is but an animal. And I'm not sure if that's true, but it certainly seems to be."
There is no word yet on if O'Relly realizes that she was, in fact, quoting White Trash Rob lyrics, which, in turn, were actually quoting someone else.
As of now, there have been no reported developments in Bland's investigation, although he has stated that he will be offering a reward of "unknown riches beyond your wildest fucking dreams" to anyone who has information leading to the arrest of those responsible for the malicious defacement of Kim Market.
Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web
Heroin addiction was revealed to be significantly less glamorous than it has been made out to be in the hit songs of the Velvet Underground, a recent study shows.
The study, which was conducted by experts, shows that heroin addiction is, in fact, only half as glamorous as previously thought, making it only twice as glamorous as crack addiction, as opposed to four times as glamorous, as originally believed.
"This a groundbreaking moment in the field of useless science," said Dr. Wayne Jetski, who asked that his name not be mentioned in this article. "With everyday that passes, more useless information is gathered. Sometimes we do something with it, other times we don't. There is literally a whirlwind of information out there, just waiting to be used in studies, such as this. Through various acts of research, we have determined that there is almost nothing glamorous about being addicted to heroin, which, as many of you know, is considered by some to be the romance drug. For many years, bands such as the Velvet Underground and Depeche Mode have given their fans a false hope that, if only they did heroin, everything would be okay. This is actually nothing more than a half-truth. Everything will be okay---that much is most definitely true---but only at first. After a while, the stuff really ends up taking a toll on you. It's pretty ugly stuff, believe it or not. At least that's what I hear."
Dr. Jetski, the one-time recipient of the Merrymount Association's "Excellent Doctor" award.
Excusing himself for a moment to "take a shot of insulin," Dr. Jetski casually closed his office door, where, moments later, the Velvet Underground's "Venus in Furs" could be heard playing through his brand new Bose iPod docking station.
In a strange turn of events, Dr. Jetski was found dead only minutes later by what his fellow colleagues described as "natural causes."
Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web
A local piece of shit was arrested at his home on Water Street this Monday on charges that he raped two women over the weekend after a night of heavy drinking at one of Quincy's more questionable bars.
Patrick "PJ" Banks, 21, will face charges on five counts of rape and two counts of indecent assault and battery on a person over 14.
Both women, ages 23 and 24, are alleging that Banks raped them after meeting him at the Commonwealth in Quincy Center. Both women also believe that they were drugged beforehand, which, judging by the face of the accused, is most likely true.
As reported, Banks is already disliked by almost everyone in the city.
"I don't think there's anything more disgusting than a rapist," remarked Matty Northside, the self-proclaimed "Matty Southside of North Quincy," last in the news after losing his finger while trying to save a buck and hop over an MBTA fence for a free ride on the Red Line. "There's only one thing you can do with somebody like that; hang 'em. Hang 'em high. You watch those fucking bastards die."
Gary Delorean, a self-declared victim of Ocean State Job Lot’s everyday low prices and frequent patron of the Commonwealth, expressed little surprise at the charges.
“Look at that kid’s face," commented Delorean. "There’s no way he was pulling two girls out of there with a mug like that. The odds were 25-to-1 that a girl would even go near that dude. 25-to-1! He obviously drugged them. He probably used those Ruffies that I sold him in the bathroom earlier that night.”
Delorean, realizing what he had just said, proceeded to sweat uncomfortably for a few minutes while staring directly at his drink and half-eaten bowl of popcorn.
Bartender Roy Beers told reporters that the alleged incident was not common to his establishment and that Banks had been asked to leave earlier in the night.
“I told him if he didn’t take himself and his scrappy goatee outside, I’d give him a punch on the nose,” Beers said. "Girls are creeped out enough around here, they don’t need that maggot lurking around in the shadows to add to their unease."
Banks will be tried at Quincy District Court, where it is expected he will plead not guilty to all charges, even though it is wicked obvious that he is.
"I hope some big, nasty, pimple-faced, sloppy motherfucker sends it home on this kid's ass everyday while he's in jail," Northside added, as he casually reenacted the ridiculously cool walking scene from Reservoir Dogs, while the George Baker Selection's "Little Green Bag" played loudly through North Quincy's brand new Bose speaker system. "I hope he has to suck every single dick in that place, to be honest. If there's five things in this world that I'll just never fucking understand, it's Milton kids, Braintree kids, Weymouth kids, Dorchester kids, and rapists."
Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web A vacuum cleaner believed to have been discarded by a tenant of an apartment building on Hancock Street in Quincy Center was rescued by a deranged sociopath just days before it was to be taken away by local garbage men.
The vacuum cleaner is believed to be valued at $100, or, perhaps, up to $500, according to its new owner.
Rufus Sweathdirt, a man in his mid-thirties, who bears an uncanny resemblance to every piece of shit creep that wanders the streets after eleven o’clock on a weeknight, was lurking around the aforementioned area when he spotted the discarded cleaning apparatus.
Mr. Sweathdirt then sprung into action, moving from a slow, deliberate crawl to a full-fledged sprint, knocking over three other pedestrians in his path and diving face-first into a pile of garbage.
Rufus Sweathdirt, just seconds after spotting the abandoned vacuum cleaner.
“I knew I had a big score on my hands,” exclaimed Sweathdirt. “I think a landlord must have been kicking someone out of their apartment. How else would these things end up in the trash?”
Carms McGarnickle, a waste management supervisor, was called into action almost immediately to decide ownership of what was then revealed to be a 1995 Dirt Devil PowerPlus vacuum cleaner.
Carms McGarnickle, taking less than two seconds to tell people how it’s going to be.
“This item belongs in a museum,” declared McGarnickle, after seconds of deliberation.
“So do you!” responded Sweathdirt, who then surprised onlookers with an explosive 50-karate-chop attack that missed McGarnickle by only three feet. Sweathdirt then collapsed dead on the sidewalk, either due to exhaustion or from the numerous heroin needles dangling delightfully from his arms, neck, legs and ass.
Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web
Mayor Koch has shit-canned the city's first municipal finance director and named former school committee member, Nicholas Puleo, to replace him.
Puleo, 26, will replace Warren G. Sproul in the $100,000-a-year position starting February 8th, and is expected to fall for almost every rookie prank thrown his way throughout his first day on the job.
"It is time for us to regulate City Hall," Koch said, as he sank his teeth into an overstuffed meatball sub. "But you can't be any geek off the street. You gotta be handy with the steel, if you know what I mean. You gotta earn your keep!"
Koch hired Warren G back in November of 2008, having created the municipal finance department shortly after taking office, most likely as a way to distract people from his "personal finances," such as luxurious carpeting, Bose stereo systems, hi-definition flat-screen televisions, and countless trips to Papa Gino's.
Designed to centralize the city's financial operations, which were previously spread out among several departments, the municipal finance department has so far been extremely successful. Aside from the fact that its director has already been asked to leave, that is. But, other than that, everything has been pretty smooth.
As reported, Quincy has an annual budget of about $226 million.
Nicholas Puleo, who most likely didn't finger too many chicks in high school.
Before taking the finance director job, Warren G worked as chief financial officer for the city of Salem, which most likely entailed using calculators and burning witches.
Puleo's new position is a mayoral appointment, which is up for renewal every three years, however, does not have a contract or require approval from the city council.
Puleo, who resides in Wollaston, started his career in government in 2005, just after graduating Northeastern University. Since then, he has maintained multiple jobs regarding budget analysis and restructuring, as well as serving as chief of staff to state Senator Stanley Rosenberg, who is rumored to be Jewish.
The infamous Warren G, back when he still had a job with the city.
"This is a fucking joke," declared Warren G, as he purposely finished his fountain drink as loudly as possible. "This Puleo kid is too young and inexperienced."
Puleo, however, disagrees with Warren G's assessment of him, stating that he plans to improve the city's budget by adding "clearer explanations" and "more graphs," which, according to local graph experts, may be exactly what this city needs.
As for the remark about his age, Puleo chose not to comment, although this reporter finds it funny to think of the fact that this city's new 26-year-old municipal finance director has most likely taken Ecstasy no less than six times.
"I say let the mayor give the little guy a shot," remarked Victor Parcheesi, a known supporter of change. "It can't be any worse than that guy he brought in from New York to go over the books after he first took office. What was his name again, Bill the Butcher? That guy was fucking brutal. I don't even think he ever once looked at the books. All that guy did is run around throwing knives at people."
Bill "The Butcher" Cutting, posing in front of City Hall upon his arrival in January 2008.
"Bill the Butcher was a mistake," Koch admitted, as he did everything in his power to hide the giant marinara stain on his TJ Maxx tie. "He was from the old school and his methods were outdated. I won't even try to deny that. A lot of innocent people got hurt during his stay here, and, for that, I sincerely apologize. Better luck next time, right? You win some, you lose some. Know what I'm sayin'?"
Puleo will start his new position at City Hall in just under two weeks, and is expected to sit on his ass and watch Comcast's FEARnet On Demand until then.
There is no word yet on how Puleo plans on hiding the mayor's reported $300-a-day meatlover's pizza habit, although it is assumed that he will merely pin the wasted funds on the city's controversial East Quincy Zoning Board department.
Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web
In an interesting turn of events, water fell from the sky yesterday afternoon, causing many residents of the area to have absolutely nothing to talk about but the weather.
From Squantum to West Quincy, conversation starters, such as, "How about this weather?" and "Boy, it's really coming down out there, isn't it?" filled the streets.
"It seems like people will never get used to the rain," an expert said.
The more it rained, the more craziness ensued. From car accidents, to explosions, to murder, a wild wave of insanity ran rampant throughout the city, stirring up madness like a heroin junky fresh out of rehab with two hundred dollars in his hand.
"It was unlike anything I had ever seen before," claimed Janie Pandabaworth, a stereotypical female type from Hough's Neck. "It was like condensation had built up in the clouds above, and then, from out of nowhere, as if by some crazy force of nature, fell to the ground. I don't even know how to explain it. But it was weird and it was wet. And I'll probably still be talking about it until the day I fucking die."
Pandabaworth's dead body was found later that evening in a ditch near Brill Field. She was brought to Quincy Medical Center, where she was immediately pronounced "dead beyond repair" by a Dr. Desmond Shaw.As with other murders in recent past, her body had been beaten and brutalized, and a Dunkin' Donuts Great One cup had been found within her general vicinity, this time, twenty feet below the ocean surface, just off the coast of Rock Island.
Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web
A series of old and familiar pranks took place over the weekend, causing many Quincy residents to be forced to look back and realize that not much has changed.
Most notable is what happened at the infamous Kim Market, where the words "Stay Free" were crudely spray painted on the brick wall of the building's left side.
As many inhabitants of the area may remember, these exact words had been spray painted on that wall some decades ago, where they remained for many years.
"This is a disgraceful act," claimed Officer Nico Haylen. "But it's also kind of amusing. I'm not condoning vandalism, but, if you absolutely have to do it, you might as well do everything you can to make it funny. And I don't care what anybody says, this is pretty funny. Kim Market must think that they got stuck in some sort of crazy time warp. Chinese people almost never know what's going on, it's hilarious."
Kim Market, whose general disregard for proper grammar is no secret at all.
Next on the list took place at an abandoned storefront on Newport Avenue, between Beale Street and Brook Street, in the area of Village Driving School.
This storefront, which has been abandoned and unattended to for as long as most Quincy residents can remember, was once the home to a Clash's London Calling poster, which, according to a 1991 edition of the Black's Creek newsletter, was visible through a cloudy window of the former establishment.
As reported by authorities during a Sunday morning press conference on the rooftop of Fratelli's Bakery, the Clash poster has since returned, although, this time, is glued to the outside of the window.
The infamous Clash poster, back in action on the deteriorating Beale Street strip.
"I have no idea what's going on in that fucking town," claimed Silent Mike K., a Charlestown resident who declined to comment any further.
While authorities are baffled by these recent pranks, no arrests have been made.
Quincy District Attorney and early Beastie Boys enthusiast, Calvin Shoreshott, however, promised swift vindication to all those involved.
"People in this city have been doing what they please for far too long," said Shoreshott. "People are making a joke out of our law enforcement and traditional values, acting like life is a big commercial."
Stopping briefly to grab two girlies and a beer that's cold, Shoreshott continued. "We believe that we are looking for a young man, or possibly a group of young men. From my experience, Quincy girls are unable to perform even the most meaningless task without getting their disgusting period blood all over the place. Anyone who has been to either of these two locations since Saturday night can clearly see that there is no more blood there than usual. Plus, given the fact that every woman in the history of mankind has the exact same handwriting, we can clearly see that this is the act of a man. We will find who is responsible for these actions, and we will prosecute them to the fullest capacity. These motherfuckers are going down hard."
Until further information is known, no further information will be made available.
As usual, Kim Market will be offering illegal sex acts in the basement level of their establishment, which is said to include their world famous "Hi-Definition Handjob," a mind-blowing combination of old school techniques and new school technology.
Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web
Squantum resident Michael Pacreno and Wollaston resident Patrick Dolgrizzly are scheduled to duke it out in an epic boxing match tomorrow at an undisclosed training gym at 1452 Hancock Street in Quincy Center.
Pacreno was last in the news just yesterday, after being dismissed from a criminal trial at Hingham District Court, in which he was accused of playing several rounds of golf with a piece-of-shit Milton resident's face.
Dolgrizzly, however, has not been in the news recently, although is presumed to be a big fan of baseball, football, basketball, and possibly hockey.
As to what started the feud between the two, no one is entirely sure.
"I honestly have no idea how this started," claimed Pacreno, as he jogged the Squantum Causeway with no shirt, stopping briefly to drunkenly chase a car full of girls. "Someone told me that it was because I liked Snickers, and he preferred 3 Musketeers, but that can't be true. Nobody likes 3 Musketeers better than Snickers and actually admits it. But, either way, if he wants to fight, I'll be ready. That kid doesn't stand a fucking chance. I've been training for days!"
Michael Pacreno, showing off his newfound bicep in front of a model of the Grease Pot.
"There's no way that fuckin' Squantum kid is gonna take me down," barked Dolgrizzly. "I might take a beating from a West Quincy kid. Or maybe even a Quincy Point kid. And on a bad day, if I wasn't really trying that hard, I might even take a beating from a Germantown kid. But I will never take a beating from a Squantum kid. Nope. No fucking way. Not happening. Not in this lifetime."
Stopping momentarily to smash a completely full Coors Light party ball off his face, Dolgrizzly continued. "I'm not sure how this whole boxing match thing started, but, if this is what Pacreno wants, this is what he's gonna get. I'm gonna beat that kid's face in until he looks like Joe Russio's twin."
It was later revealed that Dolgrizzly is, in fact, originally from Squantum.
Patrick Dolgrizzly, watching a hilarious scene from Kindergarten Cop.
Pacreno and Dolgrizzly's boxing match has been scheduled for tomorrow at 3:00PM, and is rumored to be one of the most hilarious events of the weekend.
If anyone in Quincy has any clue as to how the dispute between these two young men actually started, we urge you to please come forward and disclose the information you know, as even those participating in the fight have no fucking idea.
Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i870 cell phone
In a shocking turn of events, a group of unknown Quincy residents have been actually taking time out of their fun-filled lives to cover old "Phelan for Mayor" stickers with extremely lackluster "Your Guy Lost, Get Over It!" stickers.
While authorities have no idea who is behind the anti-Phelan stickers, some residents have already begun to form their own theories.
"This heinous act has Father Bill's Place written all over it," claimed Hal Doopis, an "I wear Hawaiian shirts all summer long" type of guy from Merrymount, last in the news after invoking his right to party at Quincy District Court in the middle of disputing a traffic violation. "Everyone knows that the mayor eats an insane amount of Papa Gino's meatlover's pizza. If you live in this city, it's no secret. The dude can take a few slices down, to say the least. But, if you're really fresh on your recent facts---which I just so happen to be---you may also know that he never eats the crust. My theory is this; the homeless in this city are staunch Koch supporters, but not for any political reason. It's because they know that, with him in office, the City Hall dumpster will always be filled to the brim with endless boxes of pizza crust."
Stopping briefly to finish a game of croquet, Doopis continued. "Phelan is a redhead. And, if anyone knows anything about redheads, it's that they always eat their crust. I don't think anybody is gonna attempt to dispute that one. No fucking way."
Doopis then quickly crossed the street and proceeded to beat an entire group of high school kids with a croquet stick. And the croquet stick he used was bright pink.
As to who is responsible for the anti-Phelan stickers, no one can be sure.
Authorities have stated that they have exhausted all available resources at this time, which are said to entail three ready-to-retire beat cops, six kiss-ass North Quincy High School ROTC kids, and one chain-smoking female police dispatcher.
Knowing this information, many city residents have stated that it has become increasingly clear that this mystery may never be solved.
As to how the homeless people of Father Bill's Place could actually afford to have these stickers made, as they clearly spend all of their "assets" on boxed wine and prescription painkillers, remains the biggest mystery of all.
Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web
A Milton man invoked his Fifth Amendment right yesterday at the Hingham District Court, refusing to testify against two alleged assailants for attacking him with a golf club almost one year ago today.
This decision led to the immediate dismissal of cases involving Michael Pacreno, 28, and Walsh Johnson, 26, both of Squantum.
Pacreno and Johnson had been scheduled to go to trial for the beating of Anthony Gaul, 39, of Milton. The incident occurred on January 25th, 2009, outside a bar in Rock Vegas, where Gaul works as a daytime table dancer.
As reported by CNN and Fox News, the attack was said to be in retaliation for Gaul breaking the jaw of Johnson's sister a day earlier.
Hingham District Court Judge Ricky Rambunctious dismissed charges against the two Squantum youths without prejudice, however, prosecutors could re-file charges against them if new evidence should resurface.
This, of course, is not expected to happen, as no one gives a flying fuck about some Milton dude who got his head kicked in one night, especially if he laid his grubby mitts on a Quincy resident.
Without Gaul's cooperation, prosecutors found themselves unable to proceed against Pacreno and Johnson, stating that he had become noticeably less accommodating after realizing that "stop snitching" had been written on every stop sign between his work and home.
One of the sixty-seven "stop snitching" signs that can be found throughout Gaul's commute.
"I have absolutely nothing to say in regards to this story," said Silent Mike K., a Charlestown resident who once saw The Sixth Sense in the theatre and then refused to tell anybody his opinion on the surprise ending.
Both men were initially charged with attempted murder, assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, and malicious damage to a Milton dude's face.
Gaul was previously facing a charge of aggravated assault and battery for the incident with Johnson's sister, however, these charges were also dismissed due to lack of witness cooperation.
"I'll tell you exactly what this is," remarked Johnny "The Guns of Brixton" Greasepot, a Squantum resident, known for constantly telling people exactly what things are. "This is Squantum street justice at it's finest moment. Let this send a message to those who think that they can fuck the island."
It was revealed shortly after that Squantum is, in fact, actually a peninsula.
Johnny Greasepot, making a giant fucking spectacle out of not having his face shown.
"I'll tell you what else this is," Greasepot continued. "This is a bad day for Milton kids. Whoever told that town that it was okay to fuck with us should be beaten within an inch of their life. We might take our fair share of shit in this city, but we will not take shit from Milton. And that goes for Braintree, Weymouth, Dighton, and East fucking Sandwich. You step into this town, you play by our rules. And we don't settle our shit in court. We settle our shit in the streets."
Greasepot then stepped back and was immediately joined by a dozen hot-as-fuck girls, each of them dressed in traditional "Squantum casual" attire. Fireworks and exploding nitrous balloons filled the air, and the Clash's "London Calling" began to blare out at an ear-splitting volume through the Causeway's brand new Bose speaker system, all while Greasepot and the Squantum Dancers performed a surprisingly well-choreographed dance number.
It was as unexpected as it was marvelous, and it ended up being one of the better parties Squantum has seen in years.
Most likely, it was the best party the tightly-knit peninsula community has seen since the time Jacia Hearn ate an entire sheet of acid and spent over three hours trying to properly sync The Wizard of Oz and Dark Side of the Moon.
Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web
Larry F. Whipple, a 57-year-old unemployed LaserDisc repairman, has used his private home garden on Standish Avenue to grow row after row of prize-winning turnips, which he uses to torment local stand-up comedians.
Whipple, a recovering alcoholic who spends most of his days completely shithouse drunk at any number of Quincy dive bars, can often be seen carrying a large brown sack of turnips. Turnips, of course, in addition to being absolutely revolting and inedible, are a devastating way to cut short any comedian's dreams of a career in barroom stand-up comedy.
“I can fire these bastards pretty hard,” said Whipple, who then launched a series of turnips off of a passing Red Line train, shattering it’s windows and causing it to jerk to an immediate halt.
Yelling over the screams of injured MBTA passengers, Whipple added, “Just imagine if that train was trying to tell some stupid jokes. I would have completed wrecked it.”
Whipple's turnip farm on Standish Ave., which is one of the largest backyards in the city.
Investing heavily into the then-up-and-coming LaserDisc business, Whipple nearly lost everything when, from out of nowhere, people began realizing that they wanted their video discs to be smaller than the size of a vinyl record.
After a short, ten-year stint in prison, Whipple was released, unaware of how to cope in a world that he no longer felt at home in.
"I had no idea what to do," Whipple stated, as he casually attempted to hide several questionable stains on the right leg of his pants. "I had no direction. I was living in a world I didn't understand, and there was no hope for me. That's when I decided to just start growing turnips and fucking tossing 'em at people. There's not much more to the story. I wish there was, but there's not."
Immediately adding more to the story, Whipple revealed the source of his hatred for comedians. “I had a cellmate named Bats McManus. He used to crack jokes all day. I never liked him. There’s nothing funny about jokes, I tell you.”
Harry Cheesedoodle, a bartender at Cagney’s, fondly recalled a time when Whipple’s bleak, depression-filled antics amused his patrons. "Some moron was on stage talking about the difference between cats and dogs, or somethin’. I don't know. Then, Larry walks in and rifles a softball-sized turnip right off the guy’s teeth. Boom, baby! Right off the son-of-a-bitch's teeth. The crowd went nuts.”
Whipple, riding on the crowd’s energy, managed to feel good about himself for a few hours. But a class action lawsuit filed against him by eleven assaulted comedians turned his confidence to dust. His lawyer’s defense was brave, but futile. Using books available at a local dentist office’s waiting area, Whipple was able to conclude that turnips were once used by the pilgrims as a substitute for rocks. This fact would prove useless as it was presented to the judge days after the trial had ended and mere minutes before he would swing from a crudely erected gallow.
Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web
The Coakley campaign celebrated a bit too early yesterday afternoon at their headquarters in the basement level of the former Quincy Records & Tapes, where the previously-thought-to-be shoe-in for the senate seat and her followers danced around and cheered, prematurely claiming victory over underdog Scott Brown.
The issue which is said to have caused the misunderstanding leading to the untimely festivities was when local City Hall employee, Joe Schlopp, who performed copying and scanning duties for the campaign, overheard a rumor that Scott Brown had previously beaten the shit out of R&B artist Rihanna.
Upon hearing this false information, Schlopp immediately took Martha Coakley aside and informed her of the news, which ended up resulting in one of the craziest and most intense parties the Democrats have seen in a long time.
It wasn't quite as crazy as a Teddy party---with all the cheap beer, hard liquor, cocaine, and dead chicks---but it was a good time to be had for all.
It wasn't until Quincy mayor and R&B aficionado, Tom Koch, barged in with news of the misunderstanding that Democrats began to realize their fatal error, some of them even resorting to taking their cocaine and leaving.
"I guess there was an incident with this Rihanna girl a while back," claimed Sol Shrewdman, an obviously Jewish attorney who has been representing the Coakley campaign for the past two months. "Somebody beat the bag outta the girl last year, and everybody got all up in arms about it. The mix-up is that, as it turns out, it wasn't actually Scott Brown who abused her. It was some guy named Chris Brown, who, from my understanding, is some sort of entertainment guru. Either way, the names are so close that this is a mistake even top officials in law enforcement could have made. These are both quick, two-syllable names, that, when said quickly, basically sound the same. Ninety-six percent of death row inmates are innocent men and women, who are only where they are because their name happened to sound like somebody else's. This kind of thing happens all the time."
Shrewdman's death row statistics were immediately proven to be drastically incorrect by a passing Easter Nazarene College student, who then dismissed the shamed attorney with a fierce headbutt and several well-placed shots to the ribs.
Shrewdman was later brought to Quincy Medical Center, where he condescended doctors and nurses repeatedly by constantly mentioning his status as a lawyer during conversations that had nothing to do with law, and was eventually told to wait in a nearby utility closet, where he still remains at this time.
The photograph of a beaten Rihanna, courtesy of TMZ, a website for whores."I'm glad Martha Coakley lost," remarked Kip Van Chutney, a man who hasn't voted for a Republican since he was charmed by the cool and confident demeanor of Ronald Reagan. "That old bag of bones didn't stand a chance. It's funny that she thought she had it for a little while, though. I would have liked to have seen her face when she realized she didn't. From what I hear, it was the first time her face showed any sign of human emotion. To be honest, I'm surprised the thing didn't shatter the second she frowned. What a fucking worthless piece of shit."
Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web
Quincy residents prepare for the first Republican senator Massachusetts has seen since 1979, causing many welfare recipients to panic, each of them wondering if they'll actually have to get off their worthless asses and get a fucking job.
"I don't wanna have to work for a living," barked Sean "The Couchman" Peppersworth, as he crushed an 80mg OxyContin with his state-issued EBT card. "America is supposed to be the birthplace of freedom, not some country that makes me get out of bed before noon. I swear to fucking God, if Scott Brown wins this election, I'm moving to Canada. And unlike Alec Baldwin, I fucking mean it. And I'm taking my collection of Flaming Lips singles with me, too. Have fun finding a copy of The Southern Oklahoma Cosmic Trigger Contest once I'm gone!"
Peppersworth then hastily kicked the kickstand of his Schwinn bicycle back into the upright position and proceeded to pedal north, presumably to go purchase a veggie dog somewhere in Cambridge, or possibly Allston.
While political analysts and polling experts are still unsure as to how Brown is maintaining such a noticable lead, others say that it is simply because Coakley is the most disgusting whore they have ever seen.
"Martha Coakley looks like my nutsack after three hours in a pool," said Dino Bland, a man who is in no way one of the leading tattoo artists in Bridgewater. "She seems like a pretty cool gal, though. Aside from allowing Somerville police officers to sexually abuse 23-month-old girls, that is. But maybe that's just me. Other than that, I'd love to see another Democrat in the senate seat. This state doesn't need change at all. Not one bit. People in this state love finding out that their Registry of Motor Vehicles has been shut down due to budget cuts, but that illegal immigrants can still go to state college for free. I don't mind paying for illegal immigrants to go school. That is, after all, why I bust my ass everyday, right? You gotta take care of the little guy, y'know?"
Bland then stared directly into his interviewer's eyes, calmly pulled out a .45 caliber handgun, and blew his brains out, spilling them out onto the street.
"I just find it funny that Scott Brown would look better in a bikini than Coakley," remarked Catherine Fennelcakes, a known whore from the Germantown area of Quincy. "With the creeps I usually got up inside me, it'd be an honor to fuck Brown."
Scott Brown in a 1982 issue of Cosmopolitan, living the "rock out with your cock out" dream.
As to who will win the upcoming special election, only time will tell. Whether Massachusetts will chose more of the same, or finally put a little diversity in the senate, we will have to wait and see. It is the opinion of this reporter that, no matter who you are voting for, you at least get out and vote, because it is one of the few rights we are given that can actually make somewhat of a difference. And, at the very least, it gives you an excuse to leave the office for an hour.
visitors since August 27th, 2009. All articles written by Wilder-Edwards unless noted otherwise. ~ The Scally©