City gamblers rejoice as game of chance is introduced to already risky convenience store

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In a bold and daring business move, the Quincy Center Station convenience store has finally agreed to dabble in the world of Keno, the lovable, but sometimes devastatingly bank-breaking, Mass Lottery game, in which there is no possible way of losing, unless, of course, you do not choose the correct numbers.

Red line commuters will now be able to risk it all with a thrilling game of Keno before and after their boring, urine-scented train rides, leaving some locals so excited that they can barely contain it.

“I’m gonna win hundreds playing this game,” claimed Freddy Dunka, a Merrymount legend known for constantly making people smell his fingers after Germantown parties. “Maybe even thousands. I'm gonna take one of those little pencils and bet on every fucking number there is. Easy as cake!”

Risk takers from all walks of life, more often than not, the lowest of the low, can now try their luck at the store in the hopes of achieving the American dream: to win insane amounts of unearned money in a split second. But the lure of easy money may prove to be too much for some, as evidenced by the blood-curdling screams of Tito “The Fake Indian” McGarnigle, a legendary Quincy Center Station character who lost his entire life savings of forty-three dollars in the blink of an eye.

The store, located directly across from the ill-reputed, now defunct, Donut & Donuts coffee shop, has threatened commuters with a good time since the game of Keno was invented, but never actually followed through with having the gambling game available in the store until now.


The hilariously incorrect "Play Keno On Here" sign / Photo courtesy of Moranzo Llamas

”I don’t really understand what’s going on here,” commented Charlene “Labia Face” Tucker, an unfortunate looking woman from the bowels of Quincy Point. “I'm glad that they're trying to keep up with the times, but, from the looks of those signs they have hanging up, it appears that the Keno section is located on the roof. It’s like Quincy Center is starting some sort of rooftop gambling racket. It's very confusing.”

This is not the first time a sign in the store has led customers astray. Two summers ago, a monumental error in grammar offered consumers “Free Cigarette Puppies.” This was only remedied after staff thwarted repeated attempts by high school kids to add copious amounts of Camel Lights to their frozen fountain drinks.

"This is a classic example of utilizing the rooftop loophole," remarked Audrey Baloney, Boston's eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst. "You see, a lot of people don't realize this, but local police have no jurisdiction on rooftops. That's why people always act the fool when they're on one. If this convenience store is actually trying to start a Keno gambling ring on the roof of Quincy Center Station, there's really nothing anybody can do about it. All I can do is analyze the crime, I can't stop it. I'm a 9-to-5 girl, I'm not getting all involved in that. What do you want from me, it's not like I'm Bruce Willis, or anyone like that. Write a complaint letter if you want, I've already got plenty. I'll put it right in the bottom of the pile. It don't matter to me."

So far, the seemingly unnamed convenience store has denied all allegations of attempting to start a rooftop criminal gambling enterprise, nor do they appear to even realize the horrid solecism that has occurred.