Koch-heads and Phelanites battle it out in the streets, also in schools and churches

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Koch-heads and Phelanites took it to the streets today in an epic rematch battle for Quincy's throne.

As far as the eye could see, the flashing colors of blue and green filled the horizon, causing a touch of madness to rush through the entire city, paving its way into an eerie calm, which can only be described as the sensation one feels when in the dusk of an insane mental rampage, brought on by a poorly-blended mix of sinus medication and psychedelic shrooms.

Team Green stands for change, as they no longer wish to stand by as some barely educated midget spends every dollar he can get on flat screen televisions, luxury carpets, Bose stereo systems, and countless slices of "meat lover's" pizza.

Team Blue also stands for change. But these people are going for the change in your pocket. And they're not gonna stop until they take every hard-earned cent you have, because they are bloodthirsty, and they are about as greedy as a sex-deprived Mexican on cocaine.

Among other candidates include Jeff Brophy, the Wollaston native who "may, or may not have, forgotten to fill out all the necessary papers to officially run." Next up is Tom Turkolio, the Abington ironworker, known mainly for showing up in Quincy and telling everybody what's what. Third on the list is Sgt. Paul Turowski, a seasoned veteran of the Quincy Police Department. Last on the list is Joseph O'Malley, a postal worker who once came in third place in a chicken wing eating contest in Pembroke.

"There's a lot of energy out there," said Reid Donovan, a Montclair resident known for eating his slices of pizza upside down. "There's so much chaos, it's insane. Everybody and their mother is out today. It's like the Sidewalk Sale came back, but it ain't even the summer. People are never gonna believe me about this. See, people, they don't understand. And girlfriends, they can't understand. Your grandsons, they won't understand. And me, I ain't ever gonna understand."

It is still unclear on whether, or not, Mr. Donovan realizes he was directly quoting a Strokes song, however, it is assumed that he does, as it is also assumed that Mr. Donovan makes absolutely no mistakes.

As of now, we can just sit back and hope for the best. It doesn't matter who you voted for, just as long as you did. Deep down inside, no matter how unqualified, careless, corrupt, and grotesque Mayor Koch may be, it's everybody's right to vote for him. And as disgusting to me the thought of someone voting for him is, I would also fight for their right to do so, because that's what this country is about. And just because they started letting gays and lesbians vote when Obama took office, doesn't mean we have anything to worry about. Gays are just like the rest of us, and some of them are actually really nice people.

My name is Beak Wilder, and I voted for Bill Phelan, because I love this fucking city, and I know that he loves it, too.