The Quincy Scallion: The Ink Spot gets alcohol license approved

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Ink Spot gets alcohol license approved

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Ink Spot, a major player in the city of Quincy’s cutthroat world of stationary suppliers, had its alcohol license fully approved by a unanimous vote last night.

The Council of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms & Wing Dings, which needs a majority vote to approve any city business’ right to serve alcohol, tobacco, firearms or chicken "wing ding" dinners, voted in favor of the Ink Spot’s proposal to serve highly intoxicating drinks to the public.

This was the first attempt by the Ink Spot to obtain such a license and was met by intense celebrations at the Wollaston-based warehouse headquarters, which included launching empty beer bottles at the passing MBTA Red Line trains, as well as burning 25-foot-tall effigies of sports legend Bo Jackson.

Head CEO Peter “Paper” Kutz was so pleased with the board’s decision, he responded by executing an impressive reenactment of the "van surf" scene from the popular Teen Wolf movie. Unfortunately, he was instantly injured and diagnosed as "paralyzed for life" while performing his third backflip when the driverless van crashed into the nearby St. Ann’s Catholic School.

Not all were pleased with the city's decision, though. Rival companies Kopy Kop and Turner McWeirdo's House of Pencils & Shit® had both previously applied for the same license, but were promptly denied. This has led some to accuse the Ink Spot’s upper management of illegal campaign donations and gift-giving to members of the Council. An accusation the Ink Spot firmly denies.

A satisfied Ink Spot customer, inspecting his new business card.

Competition between the three businesses has risen over time to a level which was recently described by an industry insider as “absolute madness.” With each coming year, the companies’ Machiavellian tactics and risky, untested strategies bring them all closer to outright war. In 2007 alone, there were thirty thousand business complaints filed in City Hall, by and against each of the businesses. Lesser supply chains that attempted to dabble in the realm of paper were quickly snuffed out by “The Big Three,” using miles of legal red tape, vicious libel attacks in the local news, and at least one confirmed case of a crucifixion.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...: Brunk, You, Write, Good!; September 2, 2009 at 9:03 PM
Baloney No. 8 said...: Oh Anonymous! You're up to your old grammatical tricks again, aren't you?

Due to the ever-increasing insane level of ignorance of the reading public, I think I will retire from the position of 'rage against grammatical insolence'.

With the Great One Killer on the loose, I need to focus mostly all of my attention on the rooftops. And then of course the remainder of focus will be on the advice column.

Speaking of the advice column, a new one will be posted soon! I've gotten some interesting debacles posed to me by several Quincy residents. How I love them so.

Stay tuned, Scallies!

From the rooftops,
No. 8; September 3, 2009 at 10:25 AM

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by Mike McCuddy

Quincy Police were called to intervene regarding a domestic disturbance incident on Safford Street yesterday, stemming from a routine plumbing incident gone awry. Dumpling Wong, a local man-of-soy, known throughout the community for knocking over invalids and children on the Red Line, called 9-1-1 on Monday afternoon to report unruly behavior on behalf of Emerald Isle Plumbing and Sheetrocking, a plumbing outfit from the Vietnamese-smelling part of Savin Hill. The incident began after Wong clogged his toilet that morning with an unusually large defecation, resulting from a previous night’s order of fried Basset Hound, smothered in MSG, from Mr. Chan’s in Milton. Based on a recommendation from a drunken neighbor, Wong called Emerald Isle Plumbing, which promised same day service. Showing up three hours late, the plumbers ignored Wong’s request to remove their shoes at the door, instead dragging mud onto the carpet and dropping scone crumbs throughout the house. “This place smells like fucking shit,” announced supervisor Pabst McMurphy, a man who once set a 3-state record in 2006 for saying the word “cocksucker” an estimated 2,453 times during happy hour at Darcy’s Pub. After surveying the clogged toilet for less than five seconds, the plumbers mumbled about needing a “Johnson Rod” at the shop, but continued to loiter at the Wong residence. Apprentice Cork Sullivan, a Shepard’s pie with a green card made out of Irish Spring soap shavings, proceeded to fire up Nintendo Wii, and soon bottles of Tsing Tao beer began disappearing from Wong’s refrigerator. Wong finally called the police after a Mr. Sub delivery man arrived at the door while the crowd had erupted into singing. Police are expect to revoke the company’s Local 12 Plumbing charter, where they will then discover that none of the men are licensed to plumb, or even be in the United States.

Quincy Police have released a statement claiming they have shut down the Andre’s Market convenience store in Wollaston. This act will also be coupled by stripping sole proprietor, Andre Squanto, of his vendor’s license, for selling expired inventory. Andre, a 58-year-old homosexual Indian, who inexplicably wears cowboy hats, was known as a minor Quincy celebrity for his frequent disgusting sexual rendezvous behind the Village Auto School, as well as his memorable stint as Danny on the mid-nineties Nickelodeon program, Hey Dude. Police were notified of the suspicious inventory based on numerous customer complaints, including local chimney duster, Flem Borsiquot, who stated, “I walk in here every day to play the numbers and see some crazy shit. Massasoit behind the counter is selling Pub Fries from what looks like the Reagan Administration, and he’s sellin’ Heralds with Mo Vaughn on the cover. This fuck even has a BayBank ATM in the corner.” Other inventory, such as 25 cent juice boxes with no label on them, Crystal Clear Pepsi, and Mass Millions lottery tickets have been dismissed as “fucking ridiculous.” Longtime customer, Quack McTavish, claims, “I think most people were willing to ignore the dusty ice cream cooler that looked like a portal to Hell, and the leather jacket on the wall that may, or may not, have been for sale, as long as that Andre guy didn’t talk to, or even look at, one of our sons.” Police say the vacant property is expected to be sold to Mung Realty, where a nail salon, bottle/can depository, or shitty bakery is expected to crush the soul out of the neighboring community.

Dorchester Copperpot, a hickory smoked, fall-off-the-bone pork rib from Merrymount, was detained by Quincy Police on Monday and committed to the McLean Mental Health Facilities after inciting a riot during a monthly Quincy City Council meeting at City Hall. Copperpot, an 84-year-old homeless maniac, credited with being the first person to buy a compact disc at Quincy Records & Tapes in 1989, was rescued by police after being attacked by an unruly mob for a series of blasphemous comments. The Quincy City Council was called together for an emergency meeting on Monday to discuss suggestions for renovating the notoriously underfunded Quincy Center, which yielded solutions such as attracting more discount shoe stores, Greek pizza shops, and the construction of a methadone clinic inside the Quincy Center MBTA bus terminal. Council President Lo Hong Duck blurted out “fuck this shit," before excusing himself to murder his newborn daughter. The meeting began winding down around 8:15pm, when the front door flew open and Copperpot ambled in, wearing two different shoes and Army fatigues from the Korean War. Copperpot quickly seized the podium and began reciting a recipe for split pea soup before making a myriad of baseless, inflammatory accusations ranging from former Mayor James Sheets being a bullfighter in Spain, to a mysterious bridge on Nut Island being an elusive second road into Squantum. “Lets kick the shit out of this crazy fucker!” shouted City Comptroller Evan Marmaduke, who led an all-out assault on Copperpot until police were called to remove him from the premises. Police expect Copperpot to be sentenced to six months in McLean Hospital, wherein he is then expected to be released back into the dumpster behind Shamrock Variety on Beale Street.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

The Ink Spot gets alcohol license approved

2 comments:

Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards

by Mike McCuddy

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