Another Squantum yard sale fails to impress, enrages locals to brink of madness

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Another Squantum yard sale failed to impress Quincy residents today, as it was declared "too boring" by the surrounding neighborhood, some who attended even resorting to claim it was "nothing to write home about."

John "Cannonball" Smithers, a known DUI offender from Pratt Rd., began advertising for his yard sale this past Tuesday, promising an "excellent variety of items," along with being "flexible about trades." This, however, was not exactly true, leaving many regretful attendees feeling "cheated" and "lied to," claiming the yard sale was nothing more than an "excuse for him to get ridiculously drunk and hit on everybody's wife."

"Cannonball is exactly the kind of guy you would expect if you knew his nickname before meeting him," said Elizabeth Longfur, a slippery little devil from the backbone of the peninsula. "We just kinda let him do his own thing here. But today was different. People were really excited about this yard sale. They really expected some great bargains. I think people came here with the idea that they were going to be offered interesting products at a fair price, and maybe even with a smile. Who knows, really? All I know is this: those people really beat the shit out of that guy. Cannonball took one of the biggest beatings I've ever seen, and I've seen Casino. I don't know why everybody got so out of control this time, though---he does this same yard sale every summer. It's probably because this was the first year he used colored signs to advertise it. Those things were pretty bedazzled up, too. Either way, I hope he's okay. I always liked that dude. He tried hooking up with me every time I saw him, but he was still funny. Fuckin' solid dude, y'know?"

"Cannonball" Smithers, immediately after being charley horsed by the entire neighborhood.

Against the advice of authorities and non-Squantum residents, Smithers was not admitted to Quincy Medical Center, as, much like everything else, a group of Squantum kids declared that they would "handle it."

It is assumed that, at this time, Smithers is in a great deal of pain, as he is most likely internally bleeding at the speed of an upside down two-liter of Pepsi. No charges have been brought forth at this time, and are not expected to be, as the sole police officer in Squantum also promised that he, too, would "handle it."

"I'm gonna miss that little guy," Longfur continued. "If he was here right now, he'd be reeking like wine, trying to run his fingers through my hair, and most likely pissing his fucking pants. This is Squantum-justice at it's best. And most of this wouldn't have happened if he had just tried selling something other than his Clash vinyl. Who in Squantum doesn't already have the Black Market Clash 10"? Seriously. This city is ready to fucking explode. Any day now------kaboom!!!"