Great white sharks terrorize swimmers at Black's Creek, leaving one injured, two dead

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A group of great white sharks terrorized swimmers at Black's Creek this weekend, leaving one girl injured, and two dead.

The sharks, which scientists believe swam here along the Atlantic coast by way of Chatham, are rumored to be approximately 21-feet-long and are reportedly even bigger dickheads than the aquatic antagonist from Jaws 2.

"It was absolute mayhem," remarked Steve Shlomi, an out-of-work vacuum salesman who takes photographs during his insane amount of free time. "I witnessed two of the most vicious deaths you could ever imagine. It was horrible. Those two girls were just swimming, having a great time in the creek, and then, all of the sudden, the great beast appeared. It was massive. I could see it's fin break through the water, and I knew it was only a matter of seconds before it reached them. I grabbed my camera and just started snapping pictures of it. I didn't know what else to do. Part of me wanted to yell out to them---or maybe even help them---but an even bigger part of me was hoping that Slim from the Quincy Daily Photo blog would recognize my talents as a photographer. Anyway, those two girls didn't stand a chance. There was so much blood, so much screaming. It was so fucking intense."

Black's Creek was discovered in 1798, when John Adams snuck off to take a piss during a raging party in what is now Mount Wollaston Cemetery. It was later used to wash slaves in, eventually becoming known as "Black's Creek," until the Emancipation Proclamation in 1862.

Since then, Black's Creek has been known for being the hangout spot for several large swans, some of which are hated by locals, as they are often inclined to fly right by your face while you're walking, and seemingly have no care in the world for how you feel about it.

It wasn't until June 29th of this year that shark sightings began occurring in the creek, causing many residents of the area to begin locking their doors at night, nervous about the possibility of what may come.

Sheila Crotch-Lipp, a girl whose unfortunate last name was only further enhanced when she married Peter S. Lipp, was the first to be attacked. Occurring on Friday afternoon as she went for her daily swim, she recalls feeling a "great deal of pain," as well as an "inability to control the situation."

"All I remember is feeling a great deal of pain, which was complemented by my inability to control the situation," Crotch-Lipp said, as she lifted up her shirt to excite the entire beach with her signature blend of hot-and-wounded. "Luckily, Tom Turkolio was there, and he was able to reason with it, finally convincing it to go away. I probably would have died if it wasn't for him. I hate sharks."


Sheila Crotch-Lipp, the smokin' hot babe who doctors say "sewed up just like new."

"That shark knew how to drive a hard bargain," stated Tom Turkolio, the Abington ironworker who once popped a completely inflated basketball with his left hand. "I had to finally give it a couple of 'love taps' for it to go away. I was just glad it didn't take me under. I can only breathe for fifteen minutes underwater, as hard as that is to admit. It's a good thing I'm used to situations like this. I once had to climb down twenty-three stories just because some stupid sub place put mayonnaise on my Italian. Who the fuck puts mayonnaise on an Italian? That's insane!"

Early on Sunday, a second attack occurred, which took the lives of Diana Brubaker, 16, and Kelli Ryan, 14, both of Merrymount. Divers were then sent down to attempt to retrieve the bodies. It was believed at this time that the great white had gone off to another area of Quincy, hopefully Germantown.

"We were convinced the shark had left the creek," said Joe Schlopp, a political fall guy from City Hall, last in the news for getting absolutely out of control at an erotic gas station. "As soon as those six divers went into the water, we realized we were wrong. Well, not wrong, but---sort of wrong. It turned out there was more than one shark. A lot more of them, to be exact. It was a miscalculation on our part. Either way, we didn't retrieve any bodies. The only thing we got was one of the diver's cameras, which floated to the surface a few minutes after they submerged. There was some pretty scary things on that camera. Pretty scary, indeed."

The last photograph taken on the diver's camera, causing all involved to be presumed dead.

Mayor Koch was unavailable for comment on this situation, as he was "in line at Papa Gino's," and didn't "want to be rude." No comment was made, however, in regards to the fact that it was his fifth time back in line, resulting in approximately thirteen slices of pizza and three large cokes.

Authorities have asked all residents to refrain from ever using Black's Creek again, and have taken steps to make sure that the family members of the deceased don't try to "pull any Captain Quint shit" over the coming days.