Fat Cat threatens to close its doors after recent surge in Bertolli ready-made dinner sales

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Fat Cat has threatened to close its doors in the wake of a recent study, which shows that many Quincy residents have been substituting going out for meals with purchasing Bertolli ready-made dinners.

Bertolli, which is known for its ready-to-go, Italian and Mediterranean frozen pasta dishes, which are available at almost any food store---excluding Lester's Variety Store in Germantown---was brought into the public eye after allegations of abusing the use of ridiculously handsome European men in their commercials.

Charges had been filed against the company and their aggressive marketing campaign, although they have since been dropped, as no judge involved was able to to deny the aesthetically pleasing men's God-given right to sway the minds of lazy housewives who were looking to cut corners.

The study, which was conducted by Quincy's own community college billboard model, Gabriel Parsona, took place earlier this month, and was rumored to be one of the most number-crunchingly chaotic events Quincy has seen since the time a drunken Jeff Brophy tried to challenge all of City Hall to a high stakes game of blindfolded bowling.


Fat Cat owner Kyle Nealy and head chef Tommy Mancole, before Bertolli "ruined it all."

"This study was surprising for everyone involved," said Gabriel Parsons, who was last in the news after being charged on allegations of his Quincy College advertisements being "even more erotically appealing than a Bertolli commercial," only to be let out the following morning after police finally learned you actually can't charge someone with that. "The Fat Cat is the most amazing restaurant in the city. Their macaroni and cheese is better than watching Nazis get beat down with baseball bats. And their host is probably one of the coolest dudes ever. That guy is right on top of shit. And he likes his haircut like I like my women---high and tight. Bertolli is just some quick shit to throw on the stove. It's quick shit. It's nothing special. Just because you could take Amy Winehouse home for the night without actually even trying that hard, doesn't necessarily mean she's good in bed. It's the same thing with Bertolli. If you want the best there is, you go see a pro. The fact that people are buying those shitty things over going out for a great dinner is just fucking ridiculous. I'm just sayin'."

Parsona was later arrested on charges of "loudly soliciting a prostitute" on Quincy Shore Drive. He will be arraigned tomorrow morning at Quincy District Court, where it is expected he will not remember a thing.


A smooth operator, putting the moves on a well-dressed Fat Cat coed at the bar.

There is no confirmation yet as to why, exactly, Bertolli has been taking business away from local restaurants, but it is assumed to be because people in Quincy are notoriously cheap. Others, however, have theorized that most residents of the area just aren't "in the know."

"Bertolli can suck it," remarked Moranzo Llamas, of Quincy Point. "The Fat Cat is the greatest thing that's happened to Quincy Center since the time Don's Joke Shop moved three stores down onto Hancock Street. Their steaks are always cooked medium-perfect, they have the finest broccolini in town, and they serve Golden Monkey ales. Those things could rip the face off a military-trained rhinoceros. My boy Dino drank three of those things and ended up sleeping through an entire Gash Station set at the Granite Rail. And he was in the front row."

Bertolli owner, Joe Bertolli, refused to comment on this article.


Bertoli owner, Joe Bertolli, "pulling a Silent Mike K," and refusing to comment.

Author's Note: It is the opinion of the Quincy Scallion that The Fat Cat is the undebatable champion of Quincy restaurants. They offer amazing food at a price almost anyone---excluding those who live further down Palmer Street than Lester's Variety Store in Germantown--can afford. If you have not tried it yet, do yourself the favor and don't waste anymore time. It's not like they're actually going anywhere, but you're still gonna feel like a wicked dick for going so long without trying it. Once that macaroni and cheese hits yours lips, you'll be owned.

RIP PATRICK SWAYZE 1952-2009
You were a hero to many, but a heartthrob to all. You will be missed.